Hello I am new and have a difficult relationship with another adult I live with.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So a really quick backround... I have been living at a ranch of a good friend with my children after near homelessness from fleeing my children's father ... we are divorced due to domestic violence I have custody of my children and we left the sate ( legally) because I needed to feel safe after he was released from prison having been sentenced for the abuse he did to me.

I have been struggling greatly for 6 years... going on 7 but the last year or so has been better and given bit of relief predominantly through this living arrangement. I am just starting online university so I will be able to provide for the children that just started getting less than 100. for 5 children that are still minors. The two eldest stopped getting any support at dad's incarceration and aged out of the CS system by the time the process was finally done properly ( a big mess)

SO the current situation. In the middle of my recovery, I ended up making friends with this person that invited us to rent/ barter ranch chores for any money I can't pay towards expenses of being here. I pay about 400. in cash each month to cover use of electricity and I put in probably an average of 20 hours a week. I feel it is fair. This is my friend and I love them and they are one of the few people that has really helped us... but the things is I am still recovering and they have some of the same issues my ex had. Not ALL but some...

I am not in the position to just leave and move on and I am not really sure that is necessary. I could write volumes about what I was willing to lose during my lifetime to work towards healing. I feel I am supposed to be here learning more about how to handle difficult relationships. We are not in imminent dangers of any kind. But this is NOT a trigger free situation for my cPTSD either.

I need support to get through... I have a therapist that works with the children etc... I am studying psychology and trauma recovery I am healing... I don't feel hopeless but I get overwhelmed by some of the emotional pain I have to still deal with on a regular basis.

Here is today's scenario. Really good early early morning! Then...

Having a strong desire to work at getting some more routine in place for the WHOLE HOUSEHOLD...  I was hurt and I believe rightfully so when Rancher  barked at me to hurry up and let's get the morning chores done -The ones I do with him. This was after about 2 hours of my being patient with him to get started. We had been about to start chores with Rancher and a friend of his came by and interrupted our flow. They talked for an hour. In the meantime I had ___and ___ attention who were helping do some 15 min chores while we waited for Rancher to be done. I also went in the house several times to put some pressure on Two Young Gradeschoolers to do the things I discussed with them they were to be doing. I stopped and made plans for the day with each kid except for ____ and I was determined to keep everyone on track.
Anyway, he used the excuse that it was because it was gonna rain and it was clearly coming in. But I asserted that is not my fault that the timing got hairy so why was he talking to me that way. He can be very vindictive. So in return for me asserting myself I got some even harsher words from him. " Don't bother doing anything else for me again." As though I was throwing a fit and feeling put out. I did not feel those feelings. I just stood up for the fact that he need not try to motivate me by demanding tones. And that I was willingly on stand by for him for hours whether he acknowledged it or not. I was glad when his friend pulled up I even encouraged him to go talk to him because I knew they had not spoken for several weeks.

I think his personality changes when he has mental interpretations of me and my actions as though motivated or meaning something that his wife or somebody significant used to think or do to him... ( just like I try NOT to do to him)

Maybe just me going in and out of the house made him feel like I wasn't planning to follow through with the original offer to help?   Later he was more normal with me. And said he loved me/ us and he hoped I had a better day tomorrow. ( which part of me hopes wasn't that gaslighting thing happening where he acts like I have some terrible problem and he is no part of it)This sort of thing has happened several times and I AM feeling dissonance about the experiences. I just refuse to let my feelings of wanting to flee take the stability of this place away from us... I have some confusion holding on.

Hope this makes sense in explaining a pattern I hope to change my response to. Any advice is appreciated

[Amaz1ng]

So a really quick backround... I have been living at a ranch of a good friend with my children after near homelessness from fleeing my children's father ... we are divorced due to domestic violence I have custody of my children and we left the sate ( legally) because I needed to feel safe after he was released from prison having been sentenced for the abuse he did to me.

I have been struggling greatly for 6 years... going on 7 but the last year or so has been better and given bit of relief predominantly through this living arrangement. I am just starting online university so I will be able to provide for the children that just started getting less than 100. for 5 children that are still minors. The two eldest stopped getting any support at dad's incarceration and aged out of the CS system by the time the process was finally done properly ( a big mess)

SO the current situation. In the middle of my recovery, I ended up making friends with this person that invited us to rent/ barter ranch chores for any money I can't pay towards expenses of being here. I pay about 400. in cash each month to cover use of electricity and I put in probably an average of 20 hours a week. I feel it is fair. This is my friend and I love them and they are one of the few people that has really helped us... but the things is I am still recovering and they have some of the same issues my ex had. Not ALL but some...

I am not in the position to just leave and move on and I am not really sure that is necessary. I could write volumes about what I was willing to lose during my lifetime to work towards healing. I feel I am supposed to be here learning more about how to handle difficult relationships. We are not in imminent dangers of any kind. But this is NOT a trigger free situation for my cPTSD either.

I need support to get through... I have a therapist that works with the children etc... I am studying psychology and trauma recovery I am healing... I don't feel hopeless but I get overwhelmed by some of the emotional pain I have to still deal with on a regular basis.

Here is today's scenario. Really good early early morning! Then...

Having a strong desire to work at getting some more routine in place for the WHOLE HOUSEHOLD...  I was hurt and I believe rightfully so when Rancher  barked at me to hurry up and let's get the morning chores done -The ones I do with him. This was after about 2 hours of my being patient with him to get started. We had been about to start chores with Rancher and a friend of his came by and interrupted our flow. They talked for an hour. In the meantime I had ___and ___ attention who were helping do some 15 min chores while we waited for Rancher to be done. I also went in the house several times to put some pressure on Two Young Gradeschoolers to do the things I discussed with them they were to be doing. I stopped and made plans for the day with each kid except for ____ and I was determined to keep everyone on track.
Anyway, he used the excuse that it was because it was gonna rain and it was clearly coming in. But I asserted that is not my fault that the timing got hairy so why was he talking to me that way. He can be very vindictive. So in return for me asserting myself I got some even harsher words from him. " Don't bother doing anything else for me again." As though I was throwing a fit and feeling put out. I did not feel those feelings. I just stood up for the fact that he need not try to motivate me by demanding tones. And that I was willingly on stand by for him for hours whether he acknowledged it or not. I was glad when his friend pulled up I even encouraged him to go talk to him because I knew they had not spoken for several weeks.

I think his personality changes when he has mental interpretations of me and my actions as though motivated or meaning something that his wife or somebody significant used to think or do to him... ( just like I try NOT to do to him)

Maybe just me going in and out of the house made him feel like I wasn't planning to follow through with the original offer to help?   Later he was more normal with me. And said he loved me/ us and he hoped I had a better day tomorrow. ( which part of me hopes wasn't that gaslighting thing happening where he acts like I have some terrible problem and he is no part of it)This sort of thing has happened several times and I AM feeling dissonance about the experiences. I just refuse to let my feelings of wanting to flee take the stability of this place away from us... I have some confusion holding on.

Hope this makes sense in explaining a pattern I hope to change my response to. Any advice is appreciated

[Kwamina]

Hi Amaz1ng and welcome to BPDFamily

How are things now? A few days have passed since you made this post, any new developments on the ranch?

You have been through quite a lot before arriving at the ranch. Certain aspects of your friend's behavior concern and also trigger you. In your post you've given an example. Does your friend also exhibit other behaviors you find concerning and/or difficult to deal with?

You mention your cPTSD and a therapist that works with the children. Does this therapist also treat your cPTSD?

Take care and again, welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot