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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
What is your relationship status with them: Ex-bestfriend
Posts: 1

« on: May 19, 2020, 06:06:32 PM »

I couldn't find an appropriate category for friends, so I'm posting it in the relationship section.

I had a close friend who I've known for a few years.  After one of her breakup, I tried to reach out, and she became extremely attached to me in a matter of months because it seemed like she has never felt so much love and care from anyone before.

If you're familiar with myer-briggs, I'm an INFJ, who seems to struggle with martyr-dom complex.  I have never felt so needed and valued in a friendship before. 

Soon I start to feel suffocated though as the attachment became obsession and fixation.  I started to feel controlled and manipulated, and was guilt-tripped whenever I rejected her in anyway.  For example, one time I said no to her invitation to have coffee together because I was busy at work, and she was upset and ignored me for a whole week.  She would often call me at midnight and refuse to hang up, or insist on sleeping over (or asking me to stay overnight) and would not take no for an answer.  She would also feel extremely jealous whenever I was with other friends.  I'm usually a very independent and self-sufficient person, but it was a challenge for me to say no to her because of how persistent and how angry she would get.

Of course there were good times as well, and we bonded as she opened up to me and shared her traumatic experiences growing up that she never told anyone before.  I felt great compassion and responsible for her because of the trust she had in me.  She often broke down and cried when telling me of all her trauma and insecurities. 

Although I knew that it was a one-sided and unhealthy friendship, it was hard to set boundaries, and I thought that I could just suck it up at that time.

Strangely enough, things took a turn for the worst, when she started becoming friends of my friends, which I was okay with in the beginning.  She started hanging out with them without me, which I thought was healthy for her to branch out.  I had two really close guy friends at that time, one of whom have been pursuing me for a while by then.  I think she was aware that they were interested in me because she commented on it once.  We were both single at that time.  She started becoming really close to them and communicating with them privately.  One day she told me that she has developed a crush on the guy who had been pursuing me.  She also told me that he has been showing interest in her and shared the "evidence" with me.  I was pretty surprised, but I gave her my blessings since I wasn't interested in him at that time.  Since he was a close friend, I sent him a message wishing him the best with her, thinking he had moved on from me.  He was confused and called me right away, explaining frantically that I had misunderstood, and that the "evidence" was just him trying to be nice but meant nothing.  He then proceeded to profess his love for me in tears.  I felt really emotional and distraught in that moment, but I knew that this was getting messy and I couldn't let emotions get in the way.  I politely rejected him and encouraged him to move on.

Everything started becoming really messy at this point, as the next day he started pursuing her.  I was concerned that he was rebounding and that my friend would get hurt.  My friend eventually found out that he used to like me and was really upset about it.  I didn't want to be involved so I started distancing from them while they were figuring things out.  I was really distraught by all of this and I started losing weight rapidly.  I had hoped that our friendship would only be temporarily affected by this, but things got weirdly competitive between us and our friendship started becoming toxic.  She would act really mean towards me one day, and sweet and clingy the next day. 

Shortly after I started dating a guy I met.  I thought she would be happy for me, but she exploded in anger upon finding out.  I was really confused as it didn't make sense to me.  She didn't have an explanation for being so upset.  She also kept questioning if she was the first one to know and blamed being so upset on me for not telling her right away (I told her the next day).  She sulked in bed and cried after I told her... I was baffled why she was so upset.  Eventually it didn't work out and I broke up with that guy. After a few months I dated another guy, and again she exploded upon finding out.  Her reasons were because he wasn't good enough for me and that he wasn't serious about me.  Once again I was baffled because a week before this she was encouraging me to be with him and was really supportive.  I could not understand her reaction at all.  Eventually she calmed down and accepted it.

At the same time, her and the guy friend I mentioned in the beginning was on-and-off, and eventually broke up after trying to date for a year.  My guy friend told me that she was extremely jealous and controlling, and often threw anger fits at him, and he couldn't handle it anymore and that he didn't love her. 

After the break up she seemed pretty normal and was just like usual around me, but 2 months after suddenly she cut off ties with the whole group of friends, including me, him, and all our mutual friends.  No explanation, nothing.  Just disappeared and stopped talking to us.  I thought maybe she was just processing the break up and she will come around, since we didn't fight or anything and we had both been busy dating and didn't spend much time together. She didn't have a reason to be angry at me, and we were talking and laughing like usual just before this.

But it's been a year now, and she has been just getting increasingly colder to me.  Now whenever she sees me she ignores me or avoids me while talking to everyone else.  She didn't even tell me when she started dating another guy and am now engaged, even though I asked her to be one of my bridesmaid which she was extremely happy about.

I am baffled and hurt by this friendship.  I feel like I gave it my all and tried to make it work, even at the cost of my health.  It's been a rocky friendship, but I feel like I did my best to be a good friend.  Even when she lashed out in anger at me many times, I tried my best to remain calm and to not lash back.  So I am confused why she chose to cut me off along with the breakup.  I am unable to gain closure since she refused to communicate, and puts up a front whenever we talk.  I know that it's been over a year now, and I should just let go of this friendship.  I feel like I am being punished for her relationship not working out somehow.  In my mind she should be over the breakup by now, especially since we are both married/engaged.  But she still acts hateful towards me and is very cold whenever I message her.  I'm not sure why she is taking all this out on me.

I have been reading a lot about bpd and strongly feel that she checks off a lot of the criteria.  I would appreciate it if anyone could shed some light on this rocky friendship.

Sorry for the long post and thank you so much for reading this!!!

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 87

« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2020, 07:06:30 AM »

Hi and welcome Simplesilence. Thanks for telling your story. Mine was a broken friendship too, so I know how much it can hurt.

From what you’ve said, it sounds like there were some complex and emotionally charged interactions going on between you and your friend and the other person in the picture. To most people, what was happening might have seemed stressful but manageable. But a person with bpd traits is more highly sensitive than most and could be overwhelmed by this sort of thing. They might react by shutting down and shutting you out - not to punish you, but more just for self protection. A type of coping mechanism.

Do you think that might be what’s happening?
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
What is your relationship status with them: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 10781

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« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2020, 11:48:36 PM »

It sounds like she has issues with attachments, in addition to jealousy that goes beyond what might be "normal" issues given mutual fiends and dating partners.

But she still acts hateful towards me and is very cold whenever I message her.  I'm not sure why she is taking all this out on me.

You're still in contact.  How would you describe your relationship at this point?


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