Boundaries-Would Love Input

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi! I honestly didnt know where else to turn with this...Id love some input. We are dealing with a horrible situation with my husbands family. His Dad has been battling cancer for years now...I cant tell you how many times he has been through treatments. He has been in miserable pain and in a chair for a long time now. He has been put on hospice and is at the end. That alone has been horrible to experiance and I hurt so badly for my husbands family and especially his Dad. Of course its so much more insanely complicated because my husband and I both come from extremely dyfunctional families and childhoods. I went through years of therapy and a library of self help books to identify my familys issues because I felt like I had to do that to heal myself and break the cycle for my own family. My husband agreed but never felt the need to identify things with his family the way I felt I needed to. Anytime a problem would arrise with his family through the years he would want to just walk away and never call them again. So I ended up dealing with alot of his family issues as well as my own. My family was SO much worse that I felt like I had to do my best with his. Our relationship with his family has almost completely been about our kids. They live almost 2 hours away and we would drive our kids to them once a month for visits and dinners. I hosted all holidays at our house and invited them for all of them. We found that while my husband and I couldn't connect well with his parents they were really loving and good with our kids...they loved being grandparents. My kids loved them and they loved my kids. I suppose I developed a love for them because of that. Of course it wasnt perfect but with extreme boundaries..we had ok relationships with his parents(much better than with my bpd/narcissistic parents)

 To give you a little info about them..his parents are hoarders, his 2 sisters are middle aged and still both totally financially dependent on them. His one sister is VERY mean and has a VERY codependent relationship with her mom. She is 39 and still talks like a small child, she calls her mommy, throws temper tantrums, etc. She seems to hate her other 2 siblings(and me) because she wants all of her moms attention...even still as an adult. My husband said growing up he and his other sister KNEW she was the favorite. At one point my mother in law told me she was molested by her father growing up. While I do NOT believe she was EVER physical with my sister in law...it seems very much like she spoused her. At one point a few years ago my sister in law came to my husband and I and told us that their parents were struggling financially and needed help. We "loaned"(never got back) them $2500. The next time we saw his mom she cried and told us they were broke because they cant afford to keep paying for his adult sisters bills but WILL NOT kick them out. After we gave them them the money we put up even more boundaries and stopped trying to be any closer with them than just holidays and once a month visits. Then his Dad got cancer. Of course you want to be there for your family. My husbands boundaries through these past few years have slowly deteriorated. It started when his Dad got sick and told my husband that if he died from this cancer that HE(my husband) will need to take care of his mother and sisters! Now his Dad is at the end. His sister just called  and told him that their mom is basically addicted to anxiety pills at this point and will need to be taken care of full time once his Dad passes. She keeps guilting him about how bad things are financially. They keep guilting him about not being there all of the time. Another bit of distressing info is that they have bed bugs in thier house now. Before this my husband was driving there a few times a month after work to help take care of the house. When he stopped because of our boys wrestling season/schedule they stopped taking care of anything. They have tried to say that the bed bugs were gone but we KNEW with all of the hoarding there was no way! They will not throw things away to properly treat the house. Each time we have had to visit we have had to strip all clothing from everyone outside, shower and then treat our house and car with cedarside. The last 2 times my kids had bites from being in the house. We have paid hundreds of dollars to buy the fogger and treatments and also paid for the dermatologist and creams. All so we could still support them and his Dad since his Dad can no longer leave the house. We said goodbye to his Dad a few days ago and it was horrible. Then I get a phone call from his mom and sister asking us when we are coming back! I can't take my kids back there! I explained that if my husband wants to I fully understand and support him...but I have to put my kids first. It was scary and traumatic to see the house, pap pap dying, everyone crying, etc for my kids. They already said goodbye. I have tried to be as loving to his family as I can be, I even wrote his parents a letter and told them they are amazing grandparents and told them how much we love them. But I will NOT take care of his mom and adult sisters. I HAVE 3 children. My husband is SO stressed out it is sickening and every phone call or visit is agonizing for him and putting him deeper into a depression. He is also laid off because of covid-19 and was just told he lost the position he worked so hard for. He is struggling and when I tried to tell him that his sisters and mom need to handle things and make some decisions for themselves he argued with me that he has to do what his dad would want him to do! Im scared that he is being totally sucked into thier dysfunction and that finances and burdens are being laid at our feet. I personally have NO MORE energy for anyone or anything else! I am 32 and feel SO used up from my own dysfunctional childhood and early adult life and I refuse to take care of anyone other than myself and children. I understand that kids often need to take care of their parents when they become elderly but my mom is 55 and his mom is 59 years old and we are ALREADY being guilted to take care of them! I have 11, 7, and 6 year old KIDS, a house I take care of, an online business, a husband, mortgage, bills, etc. I cant handle ANY more on my plate! I have had alot of breakthroughs in my own healing these last few years. I feel like I am FINALLY taking care of MYSELF and finally able to see how much I have been used over the years by my own family! I have been a caretaker since I could talk...I have had enough! My husband is my best friend and its so hard to see him hurting and I cant stand to see him feel so guilted by his family! I dont know what to do... I want what is best for him. I dont want to be the bad guy saying no to helping his family but financially, mentally and emotionally we have nothing left! I see him going deeper into depression with each phone call and interaction. He is drinking more and has gained a significant anount of weight which has triggered his asthma. He keeps telling me how bad he feels. I told him after he talked to his mom today that he needs to put himself and his own health first and that boundaries ARE needed even during these traumatic horrible circumstances. I know firsthand how grief and guilt can suck you into dysfunctional roles in our families even when we previously escaped them. My mom used me as her "therapist," emotional caretaker, and punching bag for years after my brothers suicide. I feel like everytime I begin to gain control of my life we are sucked back in. I know there is a healthy way to "be there" for people. It just feels impossible with our families! Any input would be great... I know I can put boundaries in place for myself but what do you do for your spouse?

[Lstrayed]

Hi! I honestly didnt know where else to turn with this...Id love some input. We are dealing with a horrible situation with my husbands family. His Dad has been battling cancer for years now...I cant tell you how many times he has been through treatments. He has been in miserable pain and in a chair for a long time now. He has been put on hospice and is at the end. That alone has been horrible to experiance and I hurt so badly for my husbands family and especially his Dad. Of course its so much more insanely complicated because my husband and I both come from extremely dyfunctional families and childhoods. I went through years of therapy and a library of self help books to identify my familys issues because I felt like I had to do that to heal myself and break the cycle for my own family. My husband agreed but never felt the need to identify things with his family the way I felt I needed to. Anytime a problem would arrise with his family through the years he would want to just walk away and never call them again. So I ended up dealing with alot of his family issues as well as my own. My family was SO much worse that I felt like I had to do my best with his. Our relationship with his family has almost completely been about our kids. They live almost 2 hours away and we would drive our kids to them once a month for visits and dinners. I hosted all holidays at our house and invited them for all of them. We found that while my husband and I couldn't connect well with his parents they were really loving and good with our kids...they loved being grandparents. My kids loved them and they loved my kids. I suppose I developed a love for them because of that. Of course it wasnt perfect but with extreme boundaries..we had ok relationships with his parents(much better than with my bpd/narcissistic parents)

 To give you a little info about them..his parents are hoarders, his 2 sisters are middle aged and still both totally financially dependent on them. His one sister is VERY mean and has a VERY codependent relationship with her mom. She is 39 and still talks like a small child, she calls her mommy, throws temper tantrums, etc. She seems to hate her other 2 siblings(and me) because she wants all of her moms attention...even still as an adult. My husband said growing up he and his other sister KNEW she was the favorite. At one point my mother in law told me she was molested by her father growing up. While I do NOT believe she was EVER physical with my sister in law...it seems very much like she spoused her. At one point a few years ago my sister in law came to my husband and I and told us that their parents were struggling financially and needed help. We "loaned"(never got back) them $2500. The next time we saw his mom she cried and told us they were broke because they cant afford to keep paying for his adult sisters bills but WILL NOT kick them out. After we gave them them the money we put up even more boundaries and stopped trying to be any closer with them than just holidays and once a month visits. Then his Dad got cancer. Of course you want to be there for your family. My husbands boundaries through these past few years have slowly deteriorated. It started when his Dad got sick and told my husband that if he died from this cancer that HE(my husband) will need to take care of his mother and sisters! Now his Dad is at the end. His sister just called  and told him that their mom is basically addicted to anxiety pills at this point and will need to be taken care of full time once his Dad passes. She keeps guilting him about how bad things are financially. They keep guilting him about not being there all of the time. Another bit of distressing info is that they have bed bugs in thier house now. Before this my husband was driving there a few times a month after work to help take care of the house. When he stopped because of our boys wrestling season/schedule they stopped taking care of anything. They have tried to say that the bed bugs were gone but we KNEW with all of the hoarding there was no way! They will not throw things away to properly treat the house. Each time we have had to visit we have had to strip all clothing from everyone outside, shower and then treat our house and car with cedarside. The last 2 times my kids had bites from being in the house. We have paid hundreds of dollars to buy the fogger and treatments and also paid for the dermatologist and creams. All so we could still support them and his Dad since his Dad can no longer leave the house. We said goodbye to his Dad a few days ago and it was horrible. Then I get a phone call from his mom and sister asking us when we are coming back! I can't take my kids back there! I explained that if my husband wants to I fully understand and support him...but I have to put my kids first. It was scary and traumatic to see the house, pap pap dying, everyone crying, etc for my kids. They already said goodbye. I have tried to be as loving to his family as I can be, I even wrote his parents a letter and told them they are amazing grandparents and told them how much we love them. But I will NOT take care of his mom and adult sisters. I HAVE 3 children. My husband is SO stressed out it is sickening and every phone call or visit is agonizing for him and putting him deeper into a depression. He is also laid off because of covid-19 and was just told he lost the position he worked so hard for. He is struggling and when I tried to tell him that his sisters and mom need to handle things and make some decisions for themselves he argued with me that he has to do what his dad would want him to do! Im scared that he is being totally sucked into thier dysfunction and that finances and burdens are being laid at our feet. I personally have NO MORE energy for anyone or anything else! I am 32 and feel SO used up from my own dysfunctional childhood and early adult life and I refuse to take care of anyone other than myself and children. I understand that kids often need to take care of their parents when they become elderly but my mom is 55 and his mom is 59 years old and we are ALREADY being guilted to take care of them! I have 11, 7, and 6 year old KIDS, a house I take care of, an online business, a husband, mortgage, bills, etc. I cant handle ANY more on my plate! I have had alot of breakthroughs in my own healing these last few years. I feel like I am FINALLY taking care of MYSELF and finally able to see how much I have been used over the years by my own family! I have been a caretaker since I could talk...I have had enough! My husband is my best friend and its so hard to see him hurting and I cant stand to see him feel so guilted by his family! I dont know what to do... I want what is best for him. I dont want to be the bad guy saying no to helping his family but financially, mentally and emotionally we have nothing left! I see him going deeper into depression with each phone call and interaction. He is drinking more and has gained a significant anount of weight which has triggered his asthma. He keeps telling me how bad he feels. I told him after he talked to his mom today that he needs to put himself and his own health first and that boundaries ARE needed even during these traumatic horrible circumstances. I know firsthand how grief and guilt can suck you into dysfunctional roles in our families even when we previously escaped them. My mom used me as her "therapist," emotional caretaker, and punching bag for years after my brothers suicide. I feel like everytime I begin to gain control of my life we are sucked back in. I know there is a healthy way to "be there" for people. It just feels impossible with our families! Any input would be great... I know I can put boundaries in place for myself but what do you do for your spouse?

[Kwamina]

Hi Lstrayed

It seems your post slipped through the cracks.

How are things now? How is your husband coping?

Your father-in-law's health situation was quite bad as you described. Are there any new developments?

You indeed cannot control your husband's behavior, but I understand your concerns for the well-being of your family. As you put  boundaries in place with your own FOO, and your husband's FOO, it will probably also be helpful to think of setting boundaries with your husband, this to protect and preserve your own well-being (and that of your children). How do you feel about that?

The Board Parrot