Navigating Stormy Waters

[Reawakening]

Last night was rough. We were finally sitting down to a late dinner and uBPDh didn't like how D12 answered a question he asked her about what she wanted for breakfast the next day. His angry response was way out of proportion. He thought she was answering in a spoiled and snotty way. D12 and I were both caught off guard by his reaction. I tried to explain what I thought she meant and he flipped into rage at me and stormed off. He is afraid (and admits this) that as she gets older she will reject him and think of him as just the "step-dad" (meanwhile he is pushing her away with his behavior). Side note I don't know if you remember from my previous post but she does want me to leave this relationship and for us to live alone in a peaceful home. Anyway, he raged and stormed off. He says it's us against him and he's always on the outside looking in, and that since I always jump to defend her I am undermining him as a parent and pushing them apart. He says I have always done this for our whole marriage. In my mind, I'm thinking...yes I do defend her on the instance when your BPD rage/blaming/disproportionate anger is turned towards her instead of me. If she was being disrespectful to either of us I would call her on it, but in these instances I know where she is coming from - it's not disrespectful at all - and he is jumping to negative conclusions.

When he calmed down after a bit (he stayed in another room) I tried to sit and talk with him. I stayed calm, used some tools that I am re-learning from this site as well as Walking on Eggshells. He didn't like it and yelled that I was acting all creepy and doing some "Oprah bs" on him. Lol. Eventually he calmed down and had a somewhat more effective conversation. A couple of hours later he apologized to D12.

Things have gotten worse since we are home and I am torn on when/if to leave - I do want a different life for myself and my daughter. I feel the pull of obligation, Christian marriage, etc but I truly don't know if I want to try to get him into therapy again and do the work anymore. I'm tired. In the meantime I am getting my ducks in a row as I am able, so I am as ready as I can be when I make the decision.

The almost psychic quality of BPD is chilling. From the day I started re-reading Eggshells and started visiting these forums again after almost 2 years (I am very careful to cover my tracks) he started saying things like, "I know something is going on, you are acting different. I know you're going to leave me. I know you're planning it again. You are going to abandon me like my parents and brothers did. I know it". I hadn't even had any conversations and tried to use tools yet when he started saying it, but somehow he felt me pulling away? It's creepy and gives me actual chills. Has anyone else experienced that?

[Cat Familiar]

When you were here previously, you might have read about the Karpman triangle

This dynamic is bound to come up repeatedly as your daughter enters her teens.

My husband is a lawyer and very attentive to words. When I started using SET with him, sometimes he would beat me to the punch and verbalize the three part process, maybe without the exact details I was planning to say.

That let me know that I had to be very mindful of translating the tools into my own way of speaking. I liken it to playing music. You learn the structure and then you can improvise, like playing a jazz riff.

Yes, pwBPD are particularly sensitive when fearing abandonment and it sounds as if a difference in your behavior is triggering a bit of paranoia in him, and he is rightly concerned as it seems like you are becoming increasingly exhausted by dealing with his dysfunctional behaviors.