My first post to vent out my frustration

[castorpian]

This is my second marriage. My first marriage (without kids) ended 9 years ago and I've been married to my wife for the past 6+ years. We have a 4.5 yo son.

My wife has BPD traits. We both are academics in a top university and are under huge pressure to become successful in research and teaching. She is a high-performing type, mildly depressed most of the time. She also very probably has mild anxiety disorder.  She is easily irritated and offended. Triggered by very minor things, she starts shouting. I am also not blameless, as I cannot stand being shouted at and start shouting back. Things come to blows and I am deeply unhappy that my son is witnessing heated family arguments. She sometimes dissociates and revises memories to suit her case. Her mood shifts within the day: mildly happy for two hours then deeply sad, then normal. She says that she cannot understand why when I am
sad, it takes days for me to shake it off as she can shake it off in a couple of hours. Luckily, she is not violent or suicidal (at least wasn't for the duration we've been married).

I am in general deeply discontented with my life right now. There seem to be several ways that this can be resolved:
 
1. Divorce now: I've been there and done that. Not a joyful ordeal. If this happens, this will be catastrophic for my son as he will have to move in with one of us. Since my wife probably has BDP, if it happens that she is given custody it will also be doubly bad for our son.
2. Divorce later: After our son is 18 yo and is in a better position to understand the situation we get divorced. This would mean that he is partly saved from the emotional disregulation of his mother, but I lose a good part of my life: when our son is 18, I will be 56.
3. Bear it: Things continue as is. I lose out my years, sanity and self-respect for my son's happiness with the remote hope that she would get better in time. If things go well, I can make her take see a professional and take therapy (I don't know if DBT is available where I live).

In either case, she would have to be guided towards a mental health professional who can help, which I will need extra advice from this forum about.
 
I am sorry about the rather crappy first post that I am just putting here to vent out my frustration right now. Maybe I also need therapy. For now, the only help that I get is self-help via mindfulness meditation.

So, here I am. Hello everyone!

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