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Skills we were never taught
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on Ending Conflict
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Author Topic: I Think I Messed Up This Time...  (Read 431 times)
paperinkart
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« on: May 20, 2020, 11:46:42 PM »

Hi everyone!

My partner and I just got into a fight, over something stupid (well...not really stupid but something from a long time ago that got brought up again).

We’ve been doing soo well and, though we used to argue all the time, we’ve been having these amazing weeks in between now and it’s so wonderful.

But anyway, I’ll keep this short: I was just over at his place. The argument started. His BPD traits of stonewalling and shutting down started flaring up. I got mad because I just wanted to quickly finish our discussion so it was solved and we could forget about it.

He wasn’t willing to continue the conversation with me, and asked me to leave. He softened up a bit when I told him I didn’t want to fight. But then he said he was getting in the shower. I asked him if he wanted me to be gone when he got out and he just muttered “sure”.

I could feel myself getting so angry and so I just grabbed my keys and left.

I got home and sent him a message basically saying that I wasn’t going to speak to him until he learned to treat me with some respect and stop acting like I’m not an important person in his life. I told him that I was tired of hanging around and waiting for him to treat me with loving kindness, and sometimes getting the bare minimum.

Once I cooled off, I kind of think I messed up. I said some other things in the text too...it was a strong reaction on my part and I’m not proud of it. I KNOW I’m only making the problem worse and I’m scared I messed up any progress we’d been making.

But at the same time, I am really freaking sick and tired of always being the one who gets the short end of the stick because of his BPD. I’m the one he runs away from; I’m the one he stops talking to if things get too hard. He has more respect for his ex-wife because he’s scared of her than he does for me. She was awful to him while they were together and I always try to be so kind and forgiving and caring, and yet I’m the one getting thrown away. And I’m tired of not being treated fairly because he can’t handle his own emotions.

It’s just so frustrating to always have to dampen your own emotions or control your responses to be better suited for their needs. What about my needs?

How do I react in a way best suited for BPD while still maintaining my self-respect? I can’t keep backing down and stifling my own emotions all the time, while letting him get away with being so cold to me- it feels more unhealthy than arguing.

The last thing I’ll say...now that I’ve written all this out and cooled off, is that he shows me in many other ways that he loves and respects me. It’s just when we start arguing that it goes downhill. I am currently very frustrated and angry but ultimately would still like to work this out. I know my text was strong and I probably just did more harm than good, but it also felt good to just let it all out. Thanks for listening and if anyone can relate or help at all, I’d really appreciate it!

TL;DR: my BPD boyfriend and I got into a fight. He shut down and was very cold to me and asked me to leave. I couldn’t control my reaction and sent a loong super angry text when I got home and told him he was disrespecting me (among other things). I don’t regret expressing my feelings but did NOT do it in a healthy way and probably made the situation much worse.
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guitarguy09
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« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2020, 08:25:23 AM »

Get in a fight over something stupid? Sounds pretty familiar. My uBPD W can make a mountain out a molehill any day of the week. Especially if it's about my family. Sorry to hear about this.

It can be so hard in the moment but like you might read around this site, the only thing we can work on is our reactions. I frequently ask myself after a negative interaction if there was anything I could have done better to not escalate the situation. Sometimes leaving for a time is best to cool off. Did he sound like he wanted it to be over or just for you to get out temporarily?

I have gone back and forth arguing with my W when she's in a sour mood but I've found it's not fruitful at least for me. It's best just to listen to her and let her cool off on her own time. It also helps that we each have some alone time per day.
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guitarguy09
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« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2020, 08:52:02 AM »

I completely get the "getting the short end of the stick" argument. I feel like I've gotten that for years. She stays at home with the kids, and though they're not toddlers or infants anymore, she doesn't make an attempt to even get a part time job. She has a problem with our next door neighbor so she won't even go outside the vast majority of the time so I have to do all dog walking as well. I guess I should be glad she still cooks and cleans inside the house.
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paperinkart
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« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2020, 06:33:08 PM »

Get in a fight over something stupid? Sounds pretty familiar. My uBPD W can make a mountain out a molehill any day of the week. Especially if it's about my family. Sorry to hear about this.

It can be so hard in the moment but like you might read around this site, the only thing we can work on is our reactions. I frequently ask myself after a negative interaction if there was anything I could have done better to not escalate the situation. Sometimes leaving for a time is best to cool off. Did he sound like he wanted it to be over or just for you to get out temporarily?

I have gone back and forth arguing with my W when she's in a sour mood but I've found it's not fruitful at least for me. It's best just to listen to her and let her cool off on her own time. It also helps that we each have some alone time per day.

Thanks Guitar Guy!

I really appreciate the thoughtful reply!

To give some more context, we were both grumpy by the time I arrived there yesterday. He was mad about his car because he’s in the middle of fixing it and just found another problem that will cost even more money. I don’t even know why I was so grumpy.

We both calmed down. Played with his son, had a nice time. Right after his son went to bed, the argument started. His phone had buzzed a bunch while he was tucking his kiddo in, and I mentioned it after. He thought I was bringing it up because I was suspicious of who was texting him (not an outrageous claim because I’ve definitely been jealous before). He got defensive and I got frustrated. It reminded me of a time over a year ago when I DID have a reason to be jealous over his phone going off. And all that past hurt just kind of came rushing back.

Anyway, I told him that I really wasn’t trying to pry- I just thought he’d want to know in case it was important. It was. It was a message from the animal adoption agency. He had applied to adopt a dog earlier that day and they were reaching out to schedule a meet and greet.

Even though that was good and happy news, it sent him over the edge in terms of stress and that’s when he shut our conversation down. He just kept sighing and saying that he needed to go shower and he had a lot to think about and he’d really appreciate if I went home.

I don’t think he meant it as if he was “done with me”, but he definitely wanted space to clear his head. Anyway, that’s pretty much when I left. I know I could have reacted in a much healthier way but my own frustration and anger took over. I got home and sent him that long message.

So nothing got solved and I, of course, haven’t heard from him today and I don’t expect to anytime soon. Ugh.
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juju2
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« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2020, 07:24:25 AM »

Hi Paper

I think all it really is for me, is taking good care of me so I can BE in a good space, come what may.  I can be mentally at ease, cheerful, happy.  Taking my well being seriously shows myself and others how to treat me too.

and tomorrow is a new day.  be kind to me.!
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guitarguy09
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« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2020, 09:50:22 AM »

You're welcome! Car troubles... that is no fun. I know my W goes nuts whenever there is a big unexpected expense. It helps to have a little cushion in our savings for unexpected repairs but I know that can even that can be tough with kids and a house to pay for. We're going to have some minor repairs coming up.

A pet adoption can certainly be stressful too. Having to meet the people at the adoption agency, fill out paperwork, and pay for it can be overwhelming. I hope you can find ways to cope with his behavior. Is anything settled down yet? Or heard from him?
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paperinkart
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« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2020, 10:48:21 AM »

You're welcome! Car troubles... that is no fun. I know my W goes nuts whenever there is a big unexpected expense. It helps to have a little cushion in our savings for unexpected repairs but I know that can even that can be tough with kids and a house to pay for. We're going to have some minor repairs coming up.

A pet adoption can certainly be stressful too. Having to meet the people at the adoption agency, fill out paperwork, and pay for it can be overwhelming. I hope you can find ways to cope with his behavior. Is anything settled down yet? Or heard from him?


Definitely!

He’s fine in terms of money but I know he’s just annoyed it’s going to be more work than expected. In terms of the pet adoption...maybe that should have been a clue that something was about to happen.

He’s never ever ever expressed interest in getting a dog. Always said “no way, never, can’t do it!”. Then suddenly, on the day of the fight, we were on the phone and I mentioned seeing a cute puppy across the street and suddenly he was looking at adoption websites. He said it suddenly “felt so right” and that it felt like his heart was finally open to it. So he applied for one he loved and got the reply later that day.

It was all very nice and great and positive, but maybe too impulsive and should have tipped me off that his emotions were all over the place.

Anyway, I haven’t heard from him. I’m starting to get scared that maybe I’m not going to. About an hour after I sent the text, he had gone on my Instagram and “liked” a bunch of my photos. He tends to do that if he is missing me or wanting to show me attention without having to do anything Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

But seriously, I’m starting to get scared that I’m not going to hear from him- at least for awhile. I keep trying to remind myself that if he can’t act respectfully toward me and treat me well when he’s upset, then it’s better I don’t hear from him. But I also know I could have had that conversation with a different approach, and we probably wouldn’t even be having this fight right now. Oh well...I can’t go back in time so I’ll just keep waiting to see what happens.

Thanks again for your support!
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« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2020, 01:21:15 AM »

Excerpt
His BPD traits of stonewalling and shutting down started flaring up.

i dont know if id attribute this to BPD traits.

men, in general (both sexes, really), have points where we shut down.

it sounds like he felt this was going nowhere, or possibly felt backed into a corner, and you pushed. with anyone, any human being, this is the time to read them, and to let up, as hard as it can be.

Excerpt
I keep trying to remind myself that if he can’t act respectfully toward me and treat me well when he’s upset, then it’s better I don’t hear from him.

the fact is, paperinkart, you trigger hard in this relationship, and i think, on some level, you are expecting your partner to resolve these insecurities and triggers. when he doesnt, it may be comforting to say "well the hell with him" or cope with distancing by saying "its better that way", but none of this resolves anything, and ultimately widens the divide.

even if you hear from him tomorrow, this kind of conflict, and the way that the two of you handle it, is certain to happen again. what, fundamentally, do you want to look to change, to get things on a different trajectory?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
paperinkart
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« Reply #8 on: May 23, 2020, 02:13:32 AM »

i dont know if id attribute this to BPD traits.

men, in general (both sexes, really), have points where we shut down.

it sounds like he felt this was going nowhere, or possibly felt backed into a corner, and you pushed. with anyone, any human being, this is the time to read them, and to let up, as hard as it can be.

the fact is, paperinkart, you trigger hard in this relationship, and i think, on some level, you are expecting your partner to resolve these insecurities and triggers. when he doesnt, it may be comforting to say "well the hell with him" or cope with distancing by saying "its better that way", but none of this resolves anything, and ultimately widens the divide.

even if you hear from him tomorrow, this kind of conflict, and the way that the two of you handle it, is certain to happen again. what, fundamentally, do you want to look to change, to get things on a different trajectory?

Ouch.

I hear that and I agree, but that’s a pretty strong statement. I have ROCD (relationship obsessive compulsive disorder), which makes makes even the tiniest things a trigger for me. I am not an easy person to be with- trust me, I have to spend all day with myself haha. Any problem in our relationship is magnified times 10 from this. I’ve been working through it for a year now and have made significant progress, but still have a long way to go.

Logically I know he isn’t responsible for my own insecurities and feelings, but I guess some part of me is still craving that feeling of safety and security from him.

I know I can only change myself. And you’re right by saying that my reactions are not helpful to the situations. It’s also something I’m learning to understand and trying to fix (I obviously slipped up this time).

I guess I just have mixed feelings. I’m scared of being vulnerable and not standing up for myself and letting him get away with all this stuff. And on the other hand, I feel like I’m too overbearing sometimes. I’m certainly struggling still with all of this still.

If I want things to change, the only person I can expect to change is myself. I desperately want to break this cycle of ours, and I know it starts with controlling my own emotions/anger/jealousy.
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« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2020, 02:26:21 AM »

i didnt say those things to hurt, and im sorry if it did  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

the best part, for me, of this place as a support group, is that it helped me to examine myself, even long after i was out of the relationship. personally, i dont think i could have gotten myself together and saved it. you can (ideally). thats why youre here, on this board.

youre not the only one to bring a certain amount of baggage into this relationship. i brought more than my own share. its all documented in my post history.

the point isnt to beat you up. the point isnt to tell you youre a bad person. youre a human being, struggling in a difficult relationship, and we are here to support you...build you up.

we also, as a collective group, have either been where you are, or are where you are, and have struggled. we know the things weve done that havent helped, or made things worse, the things we have done that have helped or made things better. and we seek to bring that perspective, in order to lift you, and this relationship up.

its not out of spite that i bring these things up. its out of recognizing them in myself and others, and out of caring (if, not always, said in the most helpful way).

you had this incident. you recognize that your responses and reactions played some role. it happens. but now, the two of you arent speaking for some time. what comes next? how do we get this relationship on that healthier trajectory?
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paperinkart
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« Reply #10 on: May 25, 2020, 01:40:20 AM »

i didnt say those things to hurt, and im sorry if it did  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

the best part, for me, of this place as a support group, is that it helped me to examine myself, even long after i was out of the relationship. personally, i dont think i could have gotten myself together and saved it. you can (ideally). thats why youre here, on this board.

youre not the only one to bring a certain amount of baggage into this relationship. i brought more than my own share. its all documented in my post history.

the point isnt to beat you up. the point isnt to tell you youre a bad person. youre a human being, struggling in a difficult relationship, and we are here to support you...build you up.

we also, as a collective group, have either been where you are, or are where you are, and have struggled. we know the things weve done that havent helped, or made things worse, the things we have done that have helped or made things better. and we seek to bring that perspective, in order to lift you, and this relationship up.

its not out of spite that i bring these things up. its out of recognizing them in myself and others, and out of caring (if, not always, said in the most helpful way).

you had this incident. you recognize that your responses and reactions played some role. it happens. but now, the two of you arent speaking for some time. what comes next? how do we get this relationship on that healthier trajectory?

Thank you very much for clarifying! I really, really appreciate it!  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I did go over to his house yesterday evening, to drop off something I had borrowed. He didn’t know I was coming and showed up with an ice cream for him. I taped a little note to it that said “I’m sorry for being an ice cream...I mean, Ice Queen”   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

He smiled when he saw me and laughed at my joke. He told me he wasn’t ready to talk yet and I said that that was totally fine. I didn’t really want to talk- just wanted to break the silence/tension. We chatted for a few minutes about nothing in particular and then he gave me a hug and I left.

It was well-received and now at least the anger is dissolved. I’m giving him lots of time and space and won’t reach out again unless I hear from him.

I did learn a lot from this experience. Most importantly, it’s the first time I realized I can be both right and wrong at the same time. Right in my feelings, but wrong in my reactions and response. In the future, I’m going to stop letting my emotions get the better of me and take control. I’m promising to myself that if I want to yell, or storm out, or send angry messages, that first I need to calm down (either by journaling or sleeping on it) so that I don’t make these rash decisions anymore.

And I’m also going to work harder at respecting his need for space when he asks for it and by validating his feelings when he’s feeling attacked or defensive
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« Reply #11 on: May 26, 2020, 02:42:55 AM »

I did go over to his house yesterday evening, to drop off something I had borrowed. He didn’t know I was coming and showed up with an ice cream for him. I taped a little note to it that said “I’m sorry for being an ice cream...I mean, Ice Queen”   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

nice move. a light, cute apology, can be the best move when you want to break the silence and tension. psychologically, it kinda forces the ball into someone elses court, without pressuring them directly.

We chatted for a few minutes about nothing in particular and then he gave me a hug and I left.

this is promising. dont be surprised if he still takes a bit, but its promising.

I did learn a lot from this experience. Most importantly, it’s the first time I realized I can be both right and wrong at the same time. Right in my feelings, but wrong in my reactions and response. In the future, I’m going to stop letting my emotions get the better of me and take control. I’m promising to myself that if I want to yell, or storm out, or send angry messages, that first I need to calm down (either by journaling or sleeping on it) so that I don’t make these rash decisions anymore.

believe me when i say that probably more than half the battle in these relationships is recognizing and managing our own triggers, rather than anything to do with theirs. in any relationship, the most turbulent, the least turbulent, it is easiest to manage from a centered place.
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