Living with my unstable mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there,

I'm a twenty-one year old university student currently living at home with my mum and dad due to coronavirus. My mum has always been a very emotionally unpredictable person and frequently makes me feel like I am a horrible and worthless human being. When I moved to uni, I vowed that I would never spend more than a month living under the same roof as her... then coronavirus arrived and now I'm doing exactly that. It's been two months and I don't know how I'm going to survive much longer.

My mum has no formal diagonosis of BPD. However, I've done so much research into the disorder, that I'm fairly certain she has it. On one site, these questions (asked to family members of those with BPD) would be answered with a "yes" by me in every single case.

1) Do you feel like you have to tiptoe around your loved one, watching every little thing you say or do for fear of setting them off? Do you often hide what you think or feel in order to avoid fights and hurt feelings?

The minute I say or do something "wrong" in the eyes of my mum, such as using the wrong tone of voice or seeming ungrateful for something, she flips. She'll usually shut down completely, crying all the time and giving one-word replies to everything, or will fly off the handle and shout hurtful things at me like "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I SHOULD JUST LEAVE THIS HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK."

Every single time I open up to my mum, it comes back to bite me sooner or later. I'll always remember the time I opened up to her about feeling so worried about my life. She was infinitely supportive one moment, then the minute I revealed too much, she flipped and broke down crying, shouting "I can't deal with this any more!"

2)Does your loved one shift almost instantaneously between emotional extremes (e.g. calm one moment, raging the next, then suddenly despondent?) Are these rapid mood swings unpredictable and seemingly irrational?

Yes. Completely. She can be the loveliest, kindest and most easy-going person one day. Then, the next, she will give me the silent treatment for hours, or even days, cry constantly, and say short things like "I can't tell you" or "It doesn't matter what I want." The other day, she came out with "I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay in bed all day and never leave." (this was directed at my dad, after he kept turning down her request to go on a walk, then suggested one himself)

3) Does your loved one tend to view you as all good or bad, with no middle ground? For example, either you’re “perfect,” and the only one they can count on, or you’re “selfish” and “unfeeling” and never truly loved them.

Yes. Although she never thinks I'm "perfect", she'll tell me sometimes how much she loves me and cares about me... then another day, she'll mutter bitterly through tears that whatever she does is wrong (to me, apparently. which is not true at all) and that "It's not easy being a mother." (referring to me growing on and moving up) This might sound like she's being reasonable but she accompanies this with violent crying, saying it accusingly at me as if I've ruined her life since being in it.

4) Do you feel like you can’t win: that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you? Does it feel as if your loved one’s expectations are constantly changing, so you’re never sure how to keep the peace?


100 percent true all the time. Once, after a particularly awful outburst, I told her that what she said had really hurt my feelings. This came back to me later in another outburst when she sobbed "I CAN'T TELL YOU ANYTHING."
One minute, she'll tell me I need to relax and do what I want. Next minute, she'll be enraged that I don't help enough and expect her to do everything for me.

5) Is everything always your fault? Do you feel constantly criticized and blamed for things that don’t even make sense? Does the person accuse you of doing and saying things you never did? Do you feel misunderstood whenever you try to explain or reassure your partner?

Yes. Sometimes when she can't think of a word, she'll substitute it with "thingamybob" or "you know... that thing". I haven't a clue what she's on about, but then she gets so frustrated at me for not understanding.
It's impossible to talk to her when she's in one of her "moods" because she makes me feel that everything is my fault, and that I've ruined her life (she doesn't say those words, but the feeling is there).

6) Do you feel manipulated by fear, guilt, or outrageous behavior? Does your loved one make threats, fly into violent rages, make dramatic declarations, or do dangerous things when they think you’re unhappy or may leave?

She's never physically hurt me, but she can fly into emotional rages. I feel manipulated by guilt all the time. I constantly feel like a terrible daughter, sometimes that I have ruined her life entirely, and that whatever I do she'll never be happy for me.

As I myself suffer with depression and anxiety, it is so hard to deal with her behaviour. I want to leave my home and live elsewhere, but that is not possible currently. I feel trapped, hopeless and that my own mental health is suffering terribly.
(Also, hope I haven't waffled on for too long! I had a lot I needed to get out of my system and really need some reassurance that, although I am an imperfect human being, I am not a constant failure as my mother makes me feel).

Thank you xx (if you've made it this far haha)

[Booksnbees]

Hi there,

I'm a twenty-one year old university student currently living at home with my mum and dad due to coronavirus. My mum has always been a very emotionally unpredictable person and frequently makes me feel like I am a horrible and worthless human being. When I moved to uni, I vowed that I would never spend more than a month living under the same roof as her... then coronavirus arrived and now I'm doing exactly that. It's been two months and I don't know how I'm going to survive much longer.

My mum has no formal diagonosis of BPD. However, I've done so much research into the disorder, that I'm fairly certain she has it. On one site, these questions (asked to family members of those with BPD) would be answered with a "yes" by me in every single case.

1) Do you feel like you have to tiptoe around your loved one, watching every little thing you say or do for fear of setting them off? Do you often hide what you think or feel in order to avoid fights and hurt feelings?

The minute I say or do something "wrong" in the eyes of my mum, such as using the wrong tone of voice or seeming ungrateful for something, she flips. She'll usually shut down completely, crying all the time and giving one-word replies to everything, or will fly off the handle and shout hurtful things at me like "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I SHOULD JUST LEAVE THIS HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK."

Every single time I open up to my mum, it comes back to bite me sooner or later. I'll always remember the time I opened up to her about feeling so worried about my life. She was infinitely supportive one moment, then the minute I revealed too much, she flipped and broke down crying, shouting "I can't deal with this any more!"

2)Does your loved one shift almost instantaneously between emotional extremes (e.g. calm one moment, raging the next, then suddenly despondent?) Are these rapid mood swings unpredictable and seemingly irrational?

Yes. Completely. She can be the loveliest, kindest and most easy-going person one day. Then, the next, she will give me the silent treatment for hours, or even days, cry constantly, and say short things like "I can't tell you" or "It doesn't matter what I want." The other day, she came out with "I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay in bed all day and never leave." (this was directed at my dad, after he kept turning down her request to go on a walk, then suggested one himself)

3) Does your loved one tend to view you as all good or bad, with no middle ground? For example, either you’re “perfect,” and the only one they can count on, or you’re “selfish” and “unfeeling” and never truly loved them.

Yes. Although she never thinks I'm "perfect", she'll tell me sometimes how much she loves me and cares about me... then another day, she'll mutter bitterly through tears that whatever she does is wrong (to me, apparently. which is not true at all) and that "It's not easy being a mother." (referring to me growing on and moving up) This might sound like she's being reasonable but she accompanies this with violent crying, saying it accusingly at me as if I've ruined her life since being in it.

4) Do you feel like you can’t win: that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you? Does it feel as if your loved one’s expectations are constantly changing, so you’re never sure how to keep the peace?


100 percent true all the time. Once, after a particularly awful outburst, I told her that what she said had really hurt my feelings. This came back to me later in another outburst when she sobbed "I CAN'T TELL YOU ANYTHING."
One minute, she'll tell me I need to relax and do what I want. Next minute, she'll be enraged that I don't help enough and expect her to do everything for me.

5) Is everything always your fault? Do you feel constantly criticized and blamed for things that don’t even make sense? Does the person accuse you of doing and saying things you never did? Do you feel misunderstood whenever you try to explain or reassure your partner?

Yes. Sometimes when she can't think of a word, she'll substitute it with "thingamybob" or "you know... that thing". I haven't a clue what she's on about, but then she gets so frustrated at me for not understanding.
It's impossible to talk to her when she's in one of her "moods" because she makes me feel that everything is my fault, and that I've ruined her life (she doesn't say those words, but the feeling is there).

6) Do you feel manipulated by fear, guilt, or outrageous behavior? Does your loved one make threats, fly into violent rages, make dramatic declarations, or do dangerous things when they think you’re unhappy or may leave?

She's never physically hurt me, but she can fly into emotional rages. I feel manipulated by guilt all the time. I constantly feel like a terrible daughter, sometimes that I have ruined her life entirely, and that whatever I do she'll never be happy for me.

As I myself suffer with depression and anxiety, it is so hard to deal with her behaviour. I want to leave my home and live elsewhere, but that is not possible currently. I feel trapped, hopeless and that my own mental health is suffering terribly.
(Also, hope I haven't waffled on for too long! I had a lot I needed to get out of my system and really need some reassurance that, although I am an imperfect human being, I am not a constant failure as my mother makes me feel).

Thank you xx (if you've made it this far haha)

[Violet00]

Hi Booksnbees! Welcome and I’m glad that you were able to reach out and write  out your thoughts/ feelings here it’s a necessary first step.
Can you please share is your dad present when your mom is having these moods/episodes? Are you able to share with him? What is your relationship like with him?
I know it feels like it will never end and
I can relate to where you have been as I was a student coming back home during summer break and experiencing the moods, angry rants and raves for hours on end. Are you able to setup a routine for yourself? Do you have time do things for your mental health such as go on a walk(if possible), workout, listen to music , read something? I would suggest reading about the following topics here in the skills and workshops section: S.E.T, JADE, FOG.
They address the basics of communication and dynamics with someone with Bpd. What has been helpful to me is not listening to anything pwBPD say when they are disregulated specifally insults, rage and blame. I know it is difficult because you are able to have conversations and relationship when it’s not like that. But Usually people with bpd can  take something that was said between you or anything that has a grain of truth to them and flip it or use it in a hurtful way. It might feel like truth to them in the moment but we have to protect ourself and not take listen to it At least that has been my experience. So when someone is in that emotional place conversation usually doesn’t work they need to cool off.
If you have support system such as friends I would suggest reaching out to them as well. It can be difficult to ground yourself in the facts when you are in FOG( fear, obligation, guilt) so that is why It is important to not get attached to bpd view of you as well as have routine/ tools to keep yourself busy and be able to preserve your mental health.

[Turkish]

Numbers 2 and 3, she's being a Waif, seeking emotional rescue from you.  You're not responsible for her feelings about herself.

Regarding #3, as an only child, I was both the scapegoat and the golden child, depending upon her moods. As such, I never knew what to make of myself.  Was I the a-hole others didn't see like she did, or was I the great kid others told her I was and she took pride in that confirming she was a great mother? She had no problem showing up for the awards ceremonies though by high school I realized that was all me not her.  And I resented her for it.

Lockdowns should hopefully end soon. What are your plans? 

[Booksnbees]

Thank you so much for your reply - it means so much (I couldn't figure out how to reply to your reply, hence this late message!)
My dad is usually present when my mum has these episodes, but he doesn't know how to deal with them himself and usually just tries to talk to her as if everything is normal. I have shared how I feel with my dad, especially times when I've been unable to sleep at night and have come down to him for comfort, but he's not the most "emotional" person himself and needs things saying very explicitly to understand how to respond (I do believe he's autistic).
I've tried to set myself out a schedule for the day now, including time talking to my friends and boyfriend every day, and getting out for walks, which seems to be helping a bit so far. Just constantly waiting for the next "episode"!
I will take a look at those topics, thank you!

[Confused40]

Sorry I'm no expert and not much help at all but the "thingymybob" is just so relatable.  My dad would mumble and give half instructions with plenty of thingymybobs and then be outraged you didnt know what he wanted. Actually we were expected to be complete mindreaders he would lose the plot with us for not doing things he hadn't even asked us to do.

Dont take it to heart, hard to do. I am trying to learn more and more about this and reach out for others help. I am really identifying with the projection, that a person w/ bpd is actually projecting their insecurities by calling you names they actual feel about themselves. That's the way I treat everything they say any more.
If I were you i would try visualising who you are when you are away with friends list your good qualities to yourself. If you have friends and boyfriend they obviously see lots of good in you  and remember that's who you not the names your mother might call you.

You are not responsible for her mental health or your own. I have gone non contact as there was no level of boundaries my parents would accept.