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Author Topic: First Post : Does My Ex Sound Like She Has BPD? Should I Break NC & Apologize?  (Read 89 times)

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken up I guess
Posts: 10

« on: May 23, 2020, 10:18:21 AM »

Thank you for reading.

I don’t even know if she has BPD but definitely some kind of mental illness ( Besides PTSD, Autoimmune, etc). I really didn’t get much of an apology and I only acted the way I did and said what I said because she really frightened me. She threatened my life after refusing to talk to me for a week and after calling me two days in a row during two suicide attempts. I guess I’ll get into it below.

 I didn’t feel safe after she threatened my life and then she was hospitalized for a few days. I didn’t eat or sleep because she said when she got out of the psych ward they would inevitably put her in, she would find me and kill me and then herself. I even asked if she was serious when she said this and she said yes. Then proceeded to tell me that she didn’t mean to call me that day and that I was being blocked again. When I asked why she said “ I just don’t like you” This woman had told me she loved me. I knew she didn’t even know my favorite color, my family members names, my favorite flower etc. when I pointed this out to her , she got angry but in the end she still stood by what she said and told me it was ok if I didn’t feel the same yet. Later, Like recently towards the end, it felt like she did and didn’t. She said it one of the last nights before she flipped on the phone “I said I feel like no one loves me. She said, I do” Yet the week before that she was telling me how her last gf was the last girl she loved and her othere ex was the love of her life. I sat there quietly listening feeling like someone jabbed a knife in my heart.

This was before her telling me that SHE doesn’t feel safe and doesn’t even know me. All I did was send her a couple of emails and messages asking her not to block me and then asking why she was doing it. She saw it as harassment and again made false accusations and threatened to call the police ( Who she is scared of and hates)

Of course when she flipped and blocked me, I didn’t know what was happening at all. I sent emails asking her what was happening and why she was doing this and honestly, begging her not to. I sounded completely needy and pitiful just for that first few minutes shooting off “what did I do?” "Please don't do this to me" emails and messages she would never even see. But that was it. I then backed way off and did exactly what she asked for. I left her alone. I had no answers or no clue what had happened that I wanted to do what she wanted me to. but I was thrown for a loop to say the least. It was like she literally turned into a demon overnight with no care or regard for me (or my dog) at all. And in fact, hatred of some sort after being so loving with me the day before on the phone. Then, she started harassing me and threatening to burn my social security card and birth certificate she claims I “left” there in March when she kicked me out of her apartment and which left me homeless and sick. I believe she took them out of my purse I had left there but she said they fell out when I was packing and she found them mixed in with her stuff a month later. I still don’t know. Either way now she has my social security number and all my personal nfo and I have had no idea lately of what she is capable of with it. I know her financial situation is very bad and always needs money. When I suggested she was going to steal my identity and do something with my info, she acted surprised and like it had never occur to her. But she was also using my stuff to harass me and attempt to extort money from me during on particular icy day. The same day she said “ she didn’t like me or mean to call me and again” and “I’ll kill you and then myself” .

She has severe trauma from childhood from being put in a mental institution for a few weeks when she was a child by her parents. The hospital was eventually shut down and was found that they sexually, physically and verbally abused the children, restrained and drugged them and even murdered a few. My ex witnessed and experienced all of it including the drugging and death of a little boy and now has severe ptsd, disassociates , has flashbacks where she reverts to the time and place, blacks out and loses memory, etc.

So, she has intense fear of all hospitals, police, etc.

Now she’s being so cruel and cold to me. That’s it. I’m out of her life. She seems fine with it. She even rushed me off the phone last week the last time we spoke saying "I have to go". She has never done that before. She was scared of me and I made her “nervous” after I returned a threat as reassurance that she wasn’t actually going to kill me. I can't live with the shame of that. I knew I was dealing with someone who is very sick and scared. But after her threats and behavior, so was I. I was the only solid person in her life after losing all her good friends and family because of her chronic illness, mental illness and her complete change after having 4 surgeries. One that messed her hormones up severely. I did so much for her and fought so hard for her. And having my own severe health challenges, it wasn’t easy at all.

The threat was that if I ever called an ambulance on her during her suicide attempts ( She called me during every single one while we were dating. There was an overdose at least once every other week or sometimes even every week) But a couple of weeks ago, I know she was serious about making a final attempt on a particular day. The day before she called me and was harassing me saying she wanted more money from me ( I gave her a lot and a bulk of it was to do neurofeedback training with her as I am chronically ill too and she thought it would help me with my physical symptoms. She said it was life changing for her before with her mental illness) She said if I ever called them on her she would kill me then herself

I knew of her trauma and would tell her I wouldn’t call, all the while I knew I would have to if things got too far. But to me, a lot of times it was like she knew she was going to fail ( using the same method that always did, not taking enough, etc. it seemed like someone who wanted help more than someone who really wanted to die. I mean, if you’re really serious about doing it and you failed so many times before, why would you call someone during and let them know what you’re doing? Obviously, that person will try to stop you. Usually, I would race to her apartment and just make sure that things didn’t get too far. But she had NEVER threatened MY life before for any reason. She raged, blamed, kicked me out ( The last time it was because I was trying to comfort her after her raging at me that morning for not knowing how to comfort her yet when I would ask her what she needed because I was already doing everything I knew to do, listen, offer hugs, affection, etc, she couldn’t tell me what more she wanted me to do. So she had another blow out with her father, got upset and I just stood there and listened to her. That’s what I thought she needed. I tried to hug her and it seemed like she was going to accept the affection and she suddenly turned around with this cold look in her eye and said “ You’re a PLEASE READty person.’ OUT OF NOWHERE. Literally. It was like a demon jumped in her body that moment and the look in her eyes went from sad and vulnerable to just coldness and hatred towards me. I was being completely loving to her. So of course, that made me angry and hurt and that made her angry and suddenly it was GET OUT. 4th time in a week. During a deadly pandemic having no where to go. It was cold and pouring rain and I had just  moved all my stuff in the day before alone which physically is so hard for me with my physical limitations. And she just sat there and watched as I had to pack everything back up and carry everything out heavy boxes and all myself. I later found out she secretly recorded me getting angry while this is happening. During my rant I said “ You don’t even love yourself”  I am the most laid back and easy going person in the world. I tried so hard to help her and did so much for her never expecting or receiving anything in return. I loved her so I was ok with that and I saw someone who knew they were sick and in immense pain but she didn't seem to know exactly what it was. No one has ever brought me to this kind of anger and frustration before except a past NPD I was with for 3 years.

She then turned it around on me saying that I’m the abuser and she doesn't’t feel safe or trust me. WHAT? It was completely insane. I felt like I was going crazy. I would never physically harm anyone and never have ever in my life. In fact, one very disturbing thing that happened one day was that we were arguing again and I was trying to get close to her to hug her in a very loving and non threatening way.  Well, this resulted in her smashing her head into the wall as I watched. I was horrified! I never saw anyone do such a thing before. She gave herself a concussion and I had to come back later that night to take her to the emergency room. Her 3rd concussion in like 5 months. She said it was because she felt cornered and wanted to hurt herself not me

So this attempt was a week after completely raging at me over the phone and saying it was over and blocking me and going days without talking to me except to send an email to ask for my address so she could send my documents to me ( I still don’t have them yet and had to give her my friend's address since I'm still in an air bnb and honestly didn't feel safe giving her mine after her behavior towards me) she said she didn’t get a chance to mail because two days later she overdosed and then spent a week in the hospital. Now a week since she got out and she said she just wants to send them to me and start paying me back the money I gave her “so this can be done” I dont even remember what I said to cause the complete break up that week. She was so sick, she was dealing with her hormones, surgically caused early menopause, she also had COVID ( thats the reason why I hadn’t seen her in a month and a half prior to that phone call. She got sick and during the same week kicked me out of her apartment 4 times for seemingly no reason. To me. To her, I was this horrible person, abusive ( because I did get mad and raise my voice when she kicked me out and said some mean things. I admit that) I am chronically ill and had no where to go and she knew it and it would anger me that she was putting me in so much danger and causing me so much pain and grief.  But she never seemed to think about my feelings most of the time. Just hers. Always. Even now.. I ended up sleeping in my car in parking lots those nights while she continued to berate me over the phone all hours of the night. And dumped over $300 worth of my supplements that I NEED and couldn’t afford to replace, down the drain while I was driving around in the rain crying wondering where to go at 2am. She also told me she was putting my stuff I left there out in the pouring rain and she sat there on the phone listening as I was screaming begging for her not to do that. It was like she was enjoying it. She also accused me of stealing her credit card which is another thing I would never ever do. She was insisting. She later found it hours later and didn't apologize to me. I was so traumatized and scared and helpless. I didn’t know why she just wouldn’t stop. She then said she would replace some of my supplements if she could. She never did.

A few weeks ago during our quarantine living an hour apart from each other, I asked if she wanted to at least video chat to see and spend some time together. Nope. But I later found out she did so with her mom, her ex and a couple other friends for “game night” I got upset when I found this out. You can video chat with everyone else but not me who you claim to miss? It was the fact that one of those people was her ex that really upset me. I also suspect that she has twisted everything around like she does with me and told everyone that everything was my fault, that she was the victim, I was abusive, etc. After she took and took and took from me and gave me nothing. I can’t even believe that I’m typing this right now.

The last time she kicked me out was the day she realized she probably had covid. she had a high fever and the symptoms. I did get really scared because I am badly immuno compromised and had known about the virus for quite some time before everyone else here and what was going to happen. I knew someone who had family in china. We had only been dating a couple months but we decided to quarantine together.

That last day I was there, she was crying and upset ( This was almost every single day. She would call me crying or it would happen while there) her family is very dysfunctional and she relies financially on her parents for her to have her own apartment, etc since she is too sick to work. ( That might have to change regardless now and she probably blames that on me too since I’m the reason she ended up in the psych ward last week after saving her life calling 911) But they hold it over her and her father is a narcissistic psychopath who she has to bow down to just so she doesn’t end up starving and on the street. Many of her suicide attempts were after fights with them. Or her mom telling her she was done with her and even telling her to go ahead and kill herself because it would just be easier for her. I mean, majorly messed up stuff. Her sister won’t speak to her or allow her to see her children because of her suicide attempts, mental illness etc. All of this is causing her an immense amount of pain. She knows she needs help and tries. She has a therapist and was working on doing nuerofeedback again and has apparently started it now. But like she told me on the night of her “final” attempt a couple weeks ago, It isn’t working and it isn’t enough.

One thing that did happen right before her blocking me etc, was one night she called me and we were already kind of not talking as much as we used to but still everyday. I felt her start to pull away and ignore a little but we were an hour away from each other and our relationship status seemed murkey at best. The last time I saw her was about a month ago, she called me and told me she was running out of food and couldn’t go the the market. I’m in an air bnb but had still tried to stock up a bit. I put as much of my food as I could in a bag and drove over and hour to bring to her. Meanwhile she had some of my stuff I left there in march when she kicked me out.

We did a quick exhange outside wearing masks etc and then she sat in her window and I sat in my car with the window down and we talked for a bit. I told her I wanted to come in and hug her more than anything and she said she did too and was blowing me kisses from the window when I left. It was so so hard. Things had been so bad and I hadn’t seen her in so long and all I wanted to do was to hug her and spend some time with her. But even then I noticed some thing wasn’t right. She started not replying much to my text. Like telling me to text when I got home and it taking her a couple hours to respond when normally right away. and this kept happening until weeks later I asked why she was ignoring me. She dodged the question completely and pretended like she didn’t know what I was talking about. We weren’t together since she kicked me out but we still spoke like we were everyday, she still called me to talk and cry for hours and hours, we still expressed that we missed each each other and cared. During that time she also kept telling me that she felt soulless, lost herself, was sick and scared and not ok. She referred to herself as a monster because over two years everyone in her life turned their backs. That she knew I was right that no one wanted her in their life any more ( I said that one day out of anger and a couple of other things that she never let go of and that I AM DEEPLY shamed of. I have apologized many times but I still feel the need to do it again.

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken up I guess
Posts: 10

« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2020, 10:41:25 AM »

She also lost all of her life long child hood friends because apparently, she said after her last surgery, she turned into a “monster”. I don’t know exactly what happened or what was said, but it was enough to drive 3 women who were her closest friends “sisters” to completely abandon her and now she spends everyday crying and talking about them and trying to figure out how to get them back in her life. But she said she doesnt even know who she is anymore.

I didn’t know her before. I met THIS version of her and yes, I did see red flags almost immediately. Within weeks of meeting her she already had screamed at me where I was staying and left with all her stuff. She raged and left and then had a black out while driving, lost her memory and I had to go find her because she was lost and didn’t know where she was or her new address etc. I was so angry and when she left, I said “This is the first time and last time you are raising your voice to me” I have been in very abusive relationships before. One was with one of the most skilled narcissists anyone had ever seen. I know the signs and patterns of this kind of behavior. And even though aftter ten years of completely being alone, isolated, too sick to date, etc, I still wasn’t going to put up with that again. The Narc ruined my life completely. But when she called me crying and she didn’t know where she was or how to get home etc, It broke my heart. I didn’t know why it was happening at that point because I didn’t know all her issues yet. But I felt for her and followed her home that night and helped her sit in a parking lot until she calmed down and started to remember her new address etc. Then made sure she got home safe. And suddenly, I was involved. Even though the red flags were everywhere.

I would look at her old pics with her friends and it looked like a completely different person. I guess I fell for that girl in the pictures and figured she was going to come back because she knew she needed help, when she wasn’t trying to end her life that is. I knew she wanted that girl to come back too. And I understood that so well. Better than anyone. Because chronic illness destroyed my life I had and some aspects of my personality. I would get glimpses of old me before I got sick and I have spent the last several years doing everything and anything I can to get her back all the way. I know that she’s been trying the same and I could see flashes of what must have been the old her, and she could see flashes of the real me too. We were two sick girls who just seemed to understand each other and fighting to get better. Even though out illnesses were so different.

So, about 6 days before the threat. She broke down. Was talking about how she feels her soul left her body. That shes been too sick and alone. She keeps saying that I left her. Even last week during one of our last conversations when she called me from the psych ward and she was cfrying and being seemingly nice to me because she was begging for my help to get her out. She has been saying this since she kicked me out in March. She says I left her because she got sick and I didn’t want to catch it. But that is not what happened. She literally told me to leave. Then , we did start talking again and it seemed like we were going to patch things up eventually but I thought it was mutually understood that it would be foolish for me to go there while she’s very sick and very contagious. This went on for like two months. In fact, they just tested her during her hospital stay and they said she was negative and I’m sure they wouldn't have released her if that wasn’t the case. But Even a couple weeks ago she was having symptoms from it.

She was saying that she needed some time to think because she was planning on killing herself. That was one day. The next day she said that I was making things worse for her and that she really wanted to live ( I had rarely ever heard her say that before ) and that dealing with me and having me in her life was driving her to want to kill herself and basically, everything was my fault even though she was suicidal when I met her and even astounded me one night when she said she had the number for assisted suicide and was going to do it in May. It had only been a few weeks into our dating and she mentioned this like it was nothing. No big deal. She’s like well you just met me, you shouldn’t care that much, you’ll be fine.

I know I’m going all over the place here because there’s just too much and honeslty, I’m so upset and depressed and confused and hurt that I literally can’t think clearly at all. Or be concise obviously. I’m sorry. I know no one has time to read a novel here.
but I had every intention of going back once she was feeling better even though being around her ( especially in a lock down situation) was EXTREMELY stressful and at times frightening due to her instability and never knowing if a phone call or something I said, etc was going to set her off at any given moment. And then you are in lock down with this person. The day she claims I left was the first day during that week we were trying to quarantine. I made one fatal mistake  that first day. Keep in mind that I had never heard of BPD back then and I still don’t know if she has it. I say this because this is the only time with her the fear of abandonment description fits with her to me. She would stay in bed a lot of the day and sleep  since she had insomnia at night. I’m the opposite. I generally don’t like sleeping all day and always feel like I have to be up relatively early and working on something. Finding docs for my conditions, making appts, running errands, etc. My goal is and has always been to get backl to work and to life. but that takes health of course. So we agreed we were on lock down. BUT, I told her the night before that I had some mail that I needed to go pick up at my prior address but that I wouldn’t be going into any public places. I would just be outside and in my car and then to the front door of this home to grab my mail with no contact with anyone. I thought that was perfectly ok especially since I mentioned it. Well, when she woke up the next day, I was gone. She freaked and called me. She flipped out yelling at me saying “ We are in lockdown and You WENT OUT???!!! I woke up and you were GONE!” I was like but I’m not gone, I just left for an hour to go get some air and pick up my mail. No contact with anyone, nothing and I was already wearing a mask before most. But it didn’t matter to her and I couldn’t understand it at the time and still not sure I do. But I think this was a big cause because it keeps coming up that i “left her” I didn’t but then I was forced to because she told me on the phone” you messed this up. Don’t bother coming back now” You left! I was completely shocked. And this went on and on for hours and hours while I sat in a parking lot trying to talk sense into her but when shes mad or upset there is nothing you can say. It got late and I was still in this parking lot thinking, this is insane. I mean at some point she has to calm down and say ok, it wasn’t like you left and went a million places and had contact with people. None. She later let me come back to sleep on her couch.

So, getting back to that next day after the threat a few weeks ago, I knew it was “The day” And I had talked her out of it many times before. I honest to God was her biggest supporter. She did have an ex that she had started talking to more and more it seemed when I was still in the picture. But she swore that there wasn’t anything there and this girl cheated on her and was an alcoholic etc so she would never go back even though this girl professed her feelings to her and she told me about it. I got upset because I KNEW this girl conveniently came back into her life after a break up to cry to my ex about it like she was the only one she could talk to or something. And this girl had no regard for the fact that I was there in the apartment that night to spend time with my then gf? I don’t know what else to call her. We had only been dating a few months. My ex asked if she could tlk to her if it was ok with me that night and honestly, I still got upset. I was there to spend time with her and she was going to spend time away to talk to her ex?? She realized on her own it was disrespectful and ended up telling her that her girl was over and could’t be there for her right then. But they continued to talk especially after I left My ex even wrote me a letter telling me I had nothing to worry about and explaining why they were still friends and that she wasn’t going to “meet up” with her as she had planned to one day . She even told me this girl offered to come and take care of her when she needed help after i “left”. But that didn’t end up happening as far as I know anyway. But now I’m wondering. Still, this girl even barely knew me in the beginning and I was the one she would call and cry to and I would spend hours and sometimes entire days and nights talking her off the ledge and just listening because I knew how much physical and emotional pain she was in. Me. Not her ex or anyone else. I mean, I am too but I never really got much of a chance to talk. It was always her talking about herself and her past life, her feelings, etc.

When I could talk, I did talk a lot about my illness just because it completely changed my life and how I need to live it. And it’s not well known or understood, like her chronic condition. That is what we had in common. Two sick lonely girls who couldn’t have normal life because of their disabilities and who everyone they cared about gave up on because of it. We had no one to spend christmas with. We spent it together. It was our 2nd date. It later got thrown in my face that that is all I talk about and it was too stressful for her. She just didn’t seem interested in getting to know me other than that. She dominated literally every conversation we ever had. When we would watch something together it was always what she wanted to watch. One exception one night where I got to pick. Just one night.

She called me after she took the pills. I could not contact her that day because she had ignored me the entire week. immediately blocked me from her phone ( she did this several times before after big fights and then would forget to unblock me) deleted me from facebook, instagram, etc. I still don’t know why other than her flipping a couple days after telling me how much she missed me, how she wished I was there with her, in fact, literally the day before, she was crying with me on the phone because my dog got really sick and I had to rush him to the hospital. She knew how much he means to me. Her car broke down and shes an hour away from me at this point ( I had to come back to my home area and rent an air bnb since I had no where to go after she kicked me out the last time) She said she was going to rent a car the next day ( I knew she couldnt really afford it unless she was using the money she demanded from me the month before when we fought for the neurofeedback that now, I will never end up doing with her that I gave her the money for my half of it.) She DEMANDED it after we fought. It wasn’t the first time either. One of the times she kicked me out she came out to my car in her driveway. I was crying hysterically and couldn’t believe she was being so cruel to me. She said YOURE GOING TO GIVE ME MONEY because I spent so much of it on things for my apartment so you would be comfortable there.

But she didn’t really. She bought some house plants and paints that would be safe for me ( I’m sensitive to certain chemicals) and a few take out dinners but thats it. Meanwhile, I gave her money three seperate times to stock up on groceries for quarantine plus took her shoppng and bought more.These were not small amounts. I paid for take aways the majority of the time. I ran out late at night when she wanted snacks and I would buy her like $50 worth of junk. or her $50 boxes of nicotine gum she chews constantly. I paid for valentines day dinner, plus two dozen roses, AND I PAID FOR MY OWN VBIRTHDAY DINNER AT AN EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT THAT SHE LIKES. I knew she couldn't afford to pay or buy me much and I was ok with that. I just wanted to do something special with her for it since I rarely get to celebrate my birthday the last several years. But not even a card with something special written in it? That would have mean't the world to me more than anything or something that she made ( she's very crafty and creative) She knew after meeting me that my birthday was in two months so there was plenty of time. I couldn't believe it, really. This person saying how much she cares and even loves me and no gift, card, letter on my birthday. None.

I even bouight her favorite junk food in an attempt to show I care a couple weeks ago and was going to drive the hour to bring it to her while she was sick. I just sent a text of those things a photo saying “ I feel like such an idiot” because I was clearly being ignored that night by her for one of the first times. She played dumb and was like what do you mean? Are you and your dog ok? We weren’t. When she blocked me was the same day my dog had surgery and he almost died. I brought him back home a couple days later and he was in bad bad shape. I told her in one of the emails because this woman had just been crying on the phone with me two nights before telling me she wants to be here for me so bad and hold me and help me through his surgery and whatever was going to happen. was that fake? because it didn’t happen and when I told her I really needed that the next day she flipped on me and told me she couldn’t do that because she won’t expose me to the virus and treated me like I was stupid and had made up the whole thing. I rarely ever asked her to be there for me because I knew she had too much of her own stuff. But this one time when I thought I was going to lose my dog. She offered. It was one of the last times i ever heard anything like care and concern in her voice for me.  But the next day it was gone and I was ignored again and iced out. After she blocked me, I emailed her and said please don’t so this. I’m going to loose him and maybe have to put him down. The surgery mangled him. She said “ Well, if your dog is dying it seems to me you should be focusing your energy on him, now leave me alone" It was so COLD. A Complete 180. Cold and cruel. And repeated accusations of me lying about everything, she doesn’t know me, threats, etc

2 weeks ago, the night of her "final attempt" I called the ambulance on her  after she called me overdosing and saying goodbye and only after she asked for me to get her help as she felt herself dying. ( I knew she knew what that felt like because she had a successful attempt a year or two ago with her last ex where she was airlifted to a hospital and actually died in the helicopter. They brought her back. He ex had her committed yet she doesn't blame her or seems to have an evil feelings towards her about it like she does with me?) Before that, was just a simple text after days of cold silence saying “I’m so sorry for everything I said. I’m not going to be here anymore and I hope it brings you some comfort” I responded back that of course it wouldn’t and how much I care and this is the last thing I want her to do etc. But she didn’t receive them because I was still on block.

she TOLD me to call for help. I asked who specifically, remembering her threatening to kill me if I called 911 on her. And she said “Call Ambulance” I said are you sure? ( I mean I was going to call anyway even with the threat but I was SO scared. I even told her I was worried she would get “mad” at me and made her promise not to. She still said yes and promised. So I called. They made it just in time. She was barely breathing and they had to crack her chest apparently. This situation where she made me go against my promise scared me

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken up I guess
Posts: 10

« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2020, 11:10:57 AM »

Another sign that I think she might have BPD. EVERYTHING is distorted to her. And SHE blamed me for everything and even made false accusations against me of going to her home uninvited ( I NEVER would do such a thing in any of these cases) , sexually assaulting her while she is on medication. This one KILLED me. I would NEVER. I never even initiated intimacy not once during our relationship. I let her do that because I was so scared to hurt her due to her Endometriosis. I knew she took "bedtime" pills but she never said what they were and she would continue to stay up talking for hours after sometimes, completely present and coherent. Now she said they always effected her and I should have known that and I went ahead and took advantage while she was under the influence, even though she was initiating every single time. She basically accused me of rape, said all her other exes knew to ask first if she was ok to have sex except me and that I did this on purpose and she wasn't sure if she was going to go to the police or not. I can't even believe she has ever said this to me. It was when she appeared to have "flipped" Just one of the nasty accusations she threw at me that are so far from true but she is convinced I am this horrible person who did horrible things to her when all I ever did was love and try to help her. More than anyone else in her life from what i could see. It hurts so so bad.

Back to the night a couple weeks ago of the overdose: They rushed her to the hospital where she was unconscious a couple days and sedated because I suspect when she came to and realized where she was, had another trauma episode. I was a wreck. I was up that whole night. I drove an hour all the way to her apartment knowing they would all be gone by the time i got there but I was somehow worried that maybe they had to break a window or something or left a door open and her cat would escape. I felt too helpkess and worried and scared just to sit here. Then I realized once up there that I couldn’t even get into a hospital to see her even if I could find her.  So I came back here and started calling every hospital in her area to find her and finally did. She was alive and a patient there but I didn’t know her condition. The second day I called they asked if I wanted to phone her room and I said yes. No answer three times I called. I found out she had still been sleeping and basically unconscious a few days.

when she came to the next day, she called and said ‘ Did YOU call them???? I started shaking. For days before I knew she was going to wake up in her worst night mare, not remember what happened other than she was probably on the phone with me and that I was the one that called. Now, keep in mind this was after the same entire week where she was bullying me, completely blocked me, attempted to get more money from me, acted like she didn’t care about me at all, threatened to kill me if I did this very thing. Etc. I thought she was angry and maybe she was. It’s hard to say because she had psych nurses and people there watching her as they were going to throw her in the psych ward and she callled to find out what happened and to also beg me to help her get out.

i told her I would do everything I could. She said she only had her mom and me trying to get her out. she cried and cried and cried. We spoke for a while and she kept wanting reassurance that I would try to get them to avoid putting her in psych unit. I told her I would speak to anyone there I could. I’m in a bad sitaution and needed to look for a permanent place to live, was still dealing with my very sick dog, etc. Not once that day or the following day when she called me again from the hospital did she ask how I was doing. If I found a place to live. If my dog was alive and ok. Nothing,. It was all about her needing to get out of there and needing my help. Of course, I couldn’t get her out but they ended up putting her in one of the psych dorms and not the ward itself which made her feel safer.

during that first call though, the same person that wanted to block me and wanted me out of her life forever, told me she would do anything I wanted and give me anything I wanted if I could help her get out. I told her all I wanted was my social security and BC back and any other important documents there and if she could pay me back some of the money I gave her for the neurofeedback unit, I would appreciate that too. She said yes yes, anything you want anything. I said that’s all I want. And shes like “ That’s all you want from me?" As if I was leaving her and she was now disappointed. I was soconfused. This woman blocked me, accused me of horrible things, acted like she didn’t know me, threatened my life and now was making it sound like I didnt want her in my life??? I didn’t know what tol say. I told her of course I still wanted to talk to her. Of course, what I want is so much more with her but I didn’t show my cards. She again, said I left her. I again corrected her and told her she kicked me out. I can’t make sense of any of this.

Suddenly we were talking again after my being blocked and having a long time on the phone even though she was in a very stressful situation in the hospital. I reminded her that she threatened to kill me and that I was very very terrified the days prior not knowing if she meant it or not and then putting me in the very situation a day later where she warned me not to do what she was now asking me to do. And again, I knew she wouldn’t remember it after all the meds she took and I was right. She said, well I dont think I would ever tell you to call them but if you say thats what happened then I believe you. I even got on the phone with her mom that day trying to brain storm to get her out before they put her in psych. I called 3 mental health agencies trying to get her out. Hours of my day and so much stress I was literally sick. Then, I heard nothing until that night where she told me they didnt put her in the ward but in the much less scarier dorm instead. I told her i spent all day trying to get her out and why couldnt she just tell me they didnt evn end up putting her in there????She was like oh, I’m sorry. Thanks for doing that.

the next day she needed my help again. So she called again. This time I said, you know, it seems like you only call me when you need something from me now. And shes like of course I do, I need your help to get out of here and again withpromises of giving me whatever i want etc. Like a small child trying to get their way. I care about and love her. I can’t help it and I don’t know why. So I always cave. I know being locked in a psych hospital is traumatizing beyond comprehension to most people for her. And then I was made to feel it was my fault she was there.

But, I was still scared from her threat. I couldn’t forget it and I couldn’t sleep or eat. I admitted this to her and she got defensive saying she would NEVER hurt me and would hurt herself before ever hurting me or anyone else. I then asked why she would make such a threat and then 24 hours later tell me to go against it putting myself at risk. I mean, literally everyday I heard a car pull up here, I jumped and looked out the window. She doesnt know where I’m staying but you never know these days if someone can track you down somehow. I spent days not knowing what was going to happen when she got out of the hospital and being anxious beyond words. It was literally making me sick.

the more scared I told her I felt scared the more impatient she became. At first she claimed not remembering that she said that to me. The next day she admitted that she did remember. But insisted that is not something she could ever do. I mean, half of me feels thats true but the other half wasn’t sure. She said it. No one had ever threatened my life like that before,. Especially someone I cared so deeply for. I was looking for reassurance and protection. I knew that if I told her I was going to the police about the threat and my social security card that it was just going to escalate the situation and she wouldn’t be stopped or threatened by a piece of paper. I even asked people and it seemed like some felt a restraining order is useless if someone is threatening a murder suicide. I mean, she wouldn’t be here for the police to punish if that was what was going down.

I'm so ashamed of this next part and this is what I am conflicted about. I don't know if I should break NC to apologize for this. I feel compelled to but I'm scared it will just make things worse. I feel like I made things worse by doing this and I can't believe I handled the situation like this. But words can't even begin to express how frightened I was.

 I lied which is something I despise myself and never do. I told her that I spoke to “someone” and that if she killed me and then herself, that would not be the end of it. Her family would basically have to pay for what she did. There would be vengeance. None of this would happen of course if she wasn’t going to hurt me. This was only if I was killed then this “someone” would know who is responsible and if she was no longer here, someone she cares about would have to pay for it. ( I FEEL ASHAMED EVEN SHARING THIS) I am not a good liar and didn’t think she would believe me. I figured if she wasn’t planning on hurting me, then there would be no need to worry.

but right away she was jumping to conclusions. I didnt even have to go into detail about this lie because she was making her own assumptions that certain of her family members were now in danger and that I was talking about a “certain” organization. I’m half Italian but I told her before I knew no one like that either in my family or outside. Sure, I know where they hang out in my city but I would never get mixed up in anything like that for any reason. I just wanted to scare her in case she was going to hurt me. I took her threat very seriously and I have no one to protect me and felt like the police here wouldn't for sure.

 I screwed up. I was going to tell her I was making it up but it just got too far and I could hear the absolute fear in her voice. She was suddenly not wanting my help to get out anymore it seemed but then towards the end she said she would still have them call me the next day so I could tell them she would have my support when she got out and she even told me I could come and stay in her spare room until she could find a roomate next month. Her parents were cutting her off financially and now sick or not, they told her she had to get a job and roomate and take care of herself.

Then she said, I’ll call you later and never did. I knew I made a horrible mistake. It’s true that she shouldn’t have threatened me and scared me so badly that I really was just looking for a way to feel safe from this girl. It was all I could think of. But here she is fragile, sick and already very vulnerable and traumatized. I can’t even believe I did such a thing but I can’t take it back now and I think if she was going to come back to me, I ruined any chance of that happening forever.

She got out of the hospital the next day without my help. No one called me. Not even her to tell me. I called her later that night to see if she was out and ok or what. She answered the phone pretty quickly ( I guess she had unblocked me while in there but I don’t know about now) and we spoke. She sounded very nervous and shaky. She said she was out and ok. When I asked why she didnt let me know after

begging me for days to help her, she just said she got home and was tired and needed some time, almost died etc. But I know in the past nothing would stop her from sending at least a text letting me know she was ok.

she said “ I got nervous” I asked what she meant and she said you said you were going to have someone hurt my family and i am thinking of my sister and nephews etc.

I felt so horrible. I told her that I didn’t talk to anyone and there s no need to worry ( even though this makes me still fee a little scared because if she was going to hurt me, now she knows she has free reign) She sounded sad and defeated. She said she needs to take some time to figure out why she would say such horrible things to me. That she need space and time to heal now and just wants to give my stuff back and have this “be over and done” She said, "I know this is not what you want to hear but it's what I need" It hurt so bad. I believe d there was a chance. and here she was being the nicest to me (with her tone) that she had since she flipped on me before her overdose. Still, she never asked how I had been through all this.

Maybe she was just trying to get what she needed from me and when she couldn’t I was no use to her. Maybe my threat scared her so much that now she will never trust me again. She knows I have no where to go soon and never mentioned again me going to stay with her for a month nor having me go to her place to pick up my cards. Now I am the dangerous abuser enemy because I felt like I needed to protect myself from her. It was obvious she didn’t really want to stay on the phone with me long as we used to and kept saying she had to go. I hung up crying for hours. That was exactly a week ago. Our last convo.

I know shes mentally ill and was in the scariest situation she could ever imagine for herself. I made it worse by saying that dumb lie to her. I just felt so helpkess and out of control scared. I realize there must be other personality disorders with this person besides ptsd, trauma, anxiety, etc. I just don’t know what it is or if she is even aware of it. I didn’t know about BPD. I knew about Narcissism from my ex. I only found out about bpd recently trying to make some sense out of all of this and researching.

I know as part of her new therapy that she mentoned she had to “ work in her DBT workbook everyday” Is that only used for BPD?? Maybe she always knew she had it but didn’t tell me but I don't think so? She told me about the other stuff though so I’m not sure.

And regarding the neurofeedback. She told me last time she started it made all of these really had emotions come to the surface. and again, she is doing this while going through sudden menopause, estrogen patch withdrawal, covid 19 which did cause her high fevers and delirium at certain points, her already rapid mood swings and anger issues, etc.

I forgot to mention the day she started her NFB therapy she called me that night and things had been ok. We were talking around that time about how bad we wanted to see each other and how much we missed each other etc. All of a sudden, that night she called me and started yelling, insulting and berating me for no reason. Out of the blue. Cursing me out, calling me names, yelling at me for not being there for her when she needed me, etc. I didn’t argue back this time. I just sat there and let her do it because I knew something was up.

Later, she called back and apologized which she doesnt do very often. She said that she had started the home NFB that day and she was feeling angry and upset that I wasn’t there and she lost it. but then just a week or two later I would be forever cut off, blocked, threatened , harassed, abused, etc.

Someone please help me understand all of this.

Did she get worse because of these therapies and caused her to switch on me? Or maybe comiong off her hormones and doing the therapy , and also withdrawing from pain medicine ( on her own) made her look at me how she really sees me. And the hatred and dislike, etc is really how she felt all along but didn’t know because it was covered up by substances, etc.

Was I used all this time? Preyed on? I don’t want to believe that because at first she mostly seemed so loving and caring and compassionate. Until that first outburst and then the kicking me out, taking money, etc

I know she doesn’t want to hear from me and honesltly, I’m scared to reach out because I don’t know what kind of response I will get.


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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken up I guess
Posts: 10

« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2020, 11:23:02 AM »

I'm afraid she will tell me again to leave her alone and view any contact as harassment again like the week before her overdose. But I would like to apologize for my childish behavior and scaring her making her think the people she cared about would be hurt.

 In her mind, I am to blame for everything and now I am the bad guy no matter what I do or say or how much I have tried to help. I am the abuser, rapist, unstable one, etc. I am astounded by how she twists things around and distorts everything. I have tried to get her to see this but of course, she usually doesn’t and insists everyone else is wrong. How can this be??

Again, sorry for the length. I know it’s too much. But I;m lost and in so much pain, I don’t know what to do. And the longer time goes by with NC the more thouvhts are running through my head. Maybe she found someone else, maybe shes back with the ex, maybe i was going to have a chance to change things between us and I ruined it by scaring the crap out of an already very sick person.

Please don’t tell me to just go out and find someone else. The circumstances with meeting her were like a 1 in a million situation. Again, I was alone for ten years because I’ve been too sick to date. And honestly, even if I wasn’t, my life is in shambles from it and needs rebuilding. I know it’s easy to say wait until your health and life circumstances improve, but I have no one else in my life. Since she stopped talking to me, I am vack to being completely alone except for my dog who has thankfully been hanging on for me. Although I’m not sure how much time he has left. I can’t just go out on dates right now and find someone new. And honestly after so many years, one thing this taight me is that I’m STILL deserving of love and affection. I never thought I would have that again with how poor my health was/is. It takes someone who has been through something similar to understand. Which she has. Other able bodied healthy people, just won’t. No one would want someone broken when they could have so much more.

If I do apologize, any tips. Should I just keep it short and sweet regarding my fake counter threat? Or add on apologizing once again for some really unkind things I said when we argued or when she kicked me ot, etc. These things are weighing on me. Esp the fake threat. I’ve never lied like that before. I terrified her. As she did with me. I know it’s not going to get me anywhere. Hell, by this point she is probably on to the next and probably why suddenly a few weeks ago her world stopped revolving around me everyday.

I asked her if there was someone else and she emphatically said no. That she needed time to herself to heal and she wasn’t capable right now. I don’t know if I buy that. Also, I had noticed she added a new photo to her online dating profile. I saw it last week and thats why I asked her if there was someone else but I didnt tell her I saw her updated profile. So, yeah, I’m having trouble believing shes not looking or talking to someone. Her ex or otherwise. I will say, she is extremely attractive so it’s only a matter of time.

Will she unblock me from social media eventually? Why has this happened? Why did she flip on me so suddenly? Does it sound like BPD? Will she ever miss me and come back or did I ruin that by scaring her? How should I apologize for that without her thinking I’m asking her to come back or making her angier? I don't want to push her away more if possible. This whole week, I kept thinking she would miss me and reach out. But I can see now that that's not going to happen probably because I scared her and just confirmed in her mind that she has every reason not to trust me. I'm kicking myself so hard for this. I hurt so badly and don't want much more time to pass by if it seems I should reach out and apologize. I hate thinking that she is out there seeing me as some horrible person that I'm not.

Please, I hate to sound desperate but this is torture.  I’m not dumb. I know how unhealthy and toxic this all sounds. I know. But this isn’t the regular run of the mill situation in any way shape or form. I miss her. Bad. Right now, I need to find a home since she kicked me out of her place and I can’t continue to live in air bnbs.

Anyway, I guess I’ve said WAY more than too much. I know this is too long and no one will take the time to rerad all of this. I just need gto get it out and hope and pray a few kind souls out there who knows about any of this will take the time to read and give me some good advice.

 To those kind souls, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. I'm not doing well with this at all. I left out even more that I feel is pertinent to the story and of course it's mostly the negative stuff. There was some good. However short lived it was and that is what I wish to get back with her more than anything.

Thank you and love, light and good health to you all.



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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken up I guess
Posts: 10

« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2020, 01:03:57 AM »


I was writing an apology and happened to check the dating site we met on. She told me last week she wasn't replacing me and need to work on herself and heal etc.

This was a lie. She added new pics to her profile. Has not spoken to me in over a week now.

I am gutted.

I want to send this apology. She doesn't miss me and apparently won't. Please, what do I do???
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« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2020, 02:03:26 PM »

Hi Mergirl, I hear you're going thru a lot of pain. That the person you love is not there for you now even though you were there for her.

My girlfriend just broke up with me and told me similar: that she needs space to work on herself. She does sound like she has a lot of work ahead of her.

I know you posted a lot of your story, thank you for sharing. It helps us not feel alone. I am the same, I posted a bunch. I also tend to think about every little detail: what did I do wrong, was this the right way to handle it? I'm always analyzing and trying to "fix" things. On the flip side, if I feel somebody needs "fixing", does that imply they are "broken"? I struggle with that, I prefer to think the relationship needs to get healthier. That's just my take and others may disagree.

I am in a similar situation with my gf in that I want to write her a note of apology and to let her know that I care for her. But I decided to keep it short and to the point: "You needed me to give you space and I didn't recognize it at the time, and I'm sorry for how I reacted. I care about you and hope you can find your way." I don't want to say this is what you SHOULD do and I don't want to say this is what you should NOT do. Everyone is different. I am leaning towards giving her this note because it's in line with my core values and how I want to treat people, and from what I know about my gf I feel it will be validating to her. You and your gf may be different.

I too felt totally devastated and in grief, almost as if my gf had died suddenly and was gone. I've been paralyzed for over a week, suffering physical pain from my anxiety and panic, and barely able to leave the bedroom to do anything. One of the reasons I'm here is to find support, but I also know another reason is to feel some connection to other people which is part of my self-care. I tend to withdraw during romantic breakup crisises, but I know from the past that I will feel better experiencing human connection even when I don't feel like being around or talking with other people. That's what works for me. Maybe think of what kind of things worked for you when you were experiencing turmoil with your gf or even when you were coping with your health struggles. You are suffering, how do you take care of yourself?

Nobody here can diagnose your gf as having BPD, only a professional seeing her can do that in person. However, everybody has conflicts in a relationship even when neither person has a personality disorder. Everybody wants to feel heard, even if their inner voice says to them, "I'm not worthy of love". When a person that is highly sensitive says that, imagine how THEY might feel if somebody then tells them "BUT... I love you". Are you setting them straight or are you telling them their feelings are wrong or...?

Did you read the articles under "tips" for relationships in or near breakup? There may be some answers for you there and possibly some comfort.

If you can keep posting, some others may be able to lend support. Many of us are suffering, and it does take energy to read and reply, so you might not get a response immediately. Sometimes even just posting can help get things out. Hugs to you.


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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken up I guess
Posts: 10

« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2020, 03:02:07 AM »

Hi Learning,

Thank you so much for your response and support..I truly appreciate it. Your comment was very kind.

I still don't know want to do regarding the apology. I started to write it in an email. In my case, it's clear she feels we are better off apart and doesn't appear to miss me. What's working against us too is that we weren't together very long at all. We only dated off and on for like 4 months. It just seemed like it was much longer than that but it wasn't good fr.the beginning. I have to face that..I just wish there hadn't have been so much stress and everything going on around us. Esp for her. She said she was already dealing with a lot when she met me and I made things worse. I really only wanted to help her and tried so hard. But I did react to her anger and rage in ways that I'm not proud of by saying things I'm.not proud of in response. She doesn't see how I was driven to it tho. She just thinks that I'm this horrible person she needs to stay away from.  I'm truly the opposite of that.

I remember one time when she kicked me out of her apartment (4 times in a week) she called me while I was driving around crying trying to figure out where to go. She had lost her credit card and accused me of stealing it. I was already so upset and couldn't believe she had just put me on the street and then to accuse me of something I would never even dream of doing. She was so cold and cruel and kept insisting I did it.

Well, I ended up literally screaming at her after this went on and on. I was literally screaming telling her I couldn't believe she was doing this and I would never take her card and she needed to look for it. I'm soooo mild mannered and laid back usually. I didn't even sound like myself. I had a screamed so much trying to convince her of my innocence that the next day my throat felt raw and my voice was horse. That only ever happened to me the day after a concert I would go to where I was really into the performer. .normally so quiet.

I turned into someone I didn't know and I I think she feels the same.

A few hours later she found her card buried in the coach and she said it so.matter of factly. Like she hated to admit when she was wrong. I don't even think she apologized.

But she doesn't seem to remember any of these things. She only remembers that bad things I've said to her.

Today is the 12th day since we last spoke and I know it was the last time. Her last words to me were "I have to go" after probably the shortest conversation ever in our history. It was all her saying she needed to work on herself and heal etc only to realize she was already shopping for a new supply.

I'm so so heartbroken and confused. It's not too hard for me not to reach out because I don't want to make things even worse and I guess I keep hoping that against all odds, she will miss me since we spoke everyday on the past. But no, she's top busy taking new selfies for her dating profile.

I've read some of the articles but working my way through more. I read something's that make me believe she really has this but other symptoms sometimes I don't know.

I'm.not sure why someone with such fear of abandonment would kick me out of her home over and over and then keep insisting that I left her. That's not how it happened. The whole Covid thing make things even more complicated.

I hope I do get more replies but I know I wrote quite the confusing novel up there jumping all over the place. But I hope I can get more replies too. I'm suffering worse everyday and don't know what to do.

If I apologize for trying to be so fake gangsta

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken up I guess
Posts: 10

« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2020, 03:20:42 AM »


I was writing an apology and happened to check the dating site we met on. She told me last week she wasn't replacing me and need to work on herself and heal etc.

This was a lie. She added new pics to her profile. Has not spoken to me in over a week now.

I am gutted.

I want to send this apology. She doesn't miss me and apparently won't. Please, what do I do???
« Last Edit: May 27, 2020, 03:28:04 AM by Mergirl » Logged

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken up I guess
Posts: 10

« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2020, 03:31:12 AM »

hi again Learning,

Sorry. I don't know why this keeps cutting me off when I try to post from my phone.

I was saying that if I apologize for being all fake gangsta (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))on her  in response to her threatening me, that's really all I want right now. Well, not all I want but I know what I want isn't realistic and won't happen. So it would just be an apology for that and saying hurtful things to get in the past in response to her behavior. Things were just so dark and serious with her from the beginning. There really aren't many good times either one of us can look back on and miss in our short time together. Very few.

Too much was happening around us and she was trying to deal with too much trauma when we met. She said I made that worse for her. But I was the one that always ran to her rescue when she was upset and through numerous suicide attempts and PTSD flashbacks etc.

I don't know how the new person in her life will deal with all of this. It's hard for me to see how I could have done any differently besides not saying some mean things to her in response to her behavior and anger.

But like I said, I'm so afraid to make things worse. The first time she completely blocked me from everything a couple weeks ago before her attempt, I got so hurt and upset that I send a couple emails asking why she was doing this. She then accused me of harrasing me and making it sound like she was scared of me and that I was going.to come to her apartment uninvited and threatening to call the police etc. I would never ever do such a thing and never have in my life.

Anyway, I'm up at 4 in the morning again with my heart and stomach aching trying to figure out how I'll make it through another day of this.

Everytime my phone goes off I keep thinking and hoping it might be her. But no. And I know it won't be. All because I maybe had a chance and scared her off again with my dumb counter threat.

How about you? How are things going? Have you sent that message?

I do hope I get more replies. If sending that apology is the right thing to do, I certainly don't want to wait much longer.

She hasn't sent my social.security card and birth certificate back yet. She said when we last spoke she just wanted to send me my stuff and for this to be done.

But her car broke down last month so she's not getting out much so I'm not going to read too much into that.

When she was in the hospital, she said she would do and give me anything of I were to help her get out. I said I just want those important docents back and some of the money I gave her.

She said "that's all you want from me"? Sounding all sad.

So maybe things would have been different..maybe not. I did try to get her out and spent that whole day trying to do just that. And then two days later she asked me again. But I was still scared from her threat. I honestly didn't know if she was going to come out of there and hurt me. I told her this and that's when I made that stupid threat to her. That really scared her a lot. I could hear it in her voice and our last convo she said she was nervous and stopped asking for my help and was worried for her family.

That's when I admitted that I made the whole thing up because I was scared. But I didn't get a chance to apologise.

Anyway, I screwed up
 Probably so bad that I can't fix it now and it's driving me nuts. I've never felt this bad and ashamed before in my life.

Anyway thanks again. Please if anyone else reads this I need as much advice as I can get right now.

I can't believe she's trying to date already..it's tearing me up.

Thanks so much for listening.
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« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2020, 06:24:51 AM »

hello Mergirl,

that was a painful story to even just read.   I can't imagine what its been like to live through it.    I am sorry you are going through that.

there has been a lot, a very lot, of highly intense harmful emotions going on for quite a while now.   on both sides.

what I would suggest is that you do nothing that adds to those highly intense emotions.     let things cool off.    work on your own emotions and coping with those.

are you eating at all?    getting outside at all?    what are you doing to try and lower your own stress levels?

do you have a therapist that you can reach out too?



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