I just recently learned my wife had an affair. Instead of feeling angry and kicking her out, I feel ashamed, humiliated, anxious, hurt, and confused.
My wife has apologized but I don't feel she feels remorseful. In fact she's more angry because she feels I never paid enough attention to her and she resents the attention and love I "shower" on our daughter.
My counselor recommended I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and when I got to the part about codependence I thought "My God that is me. " For our entire marriage I have put my wife's needs before my own, putting aside all of my needs and what I think is right in order to avoid fights and keep her calm.
I need to work on myself but how do I reverse nearly 20 years of damage I have done for the purpose of avoiding doing any damage?
As JuJu said, you've come to the right place.
The one thing I'd suggest is to do your best to not feel ashamed or humiliated. She's the one with the issues, and like that book says, her actions have nothing to do with you. I'm sure it hurts like crazy that she did that, but it really isn't a reflection on you at all. Plenty of people are in unfulfilling marriages, yet have the character to refrain from having an affair. That's completely on her.
