Dealing with breakup/ makeup cycle

[Dumbstruck]

I am at a loss to stop the breakup/makeup cycle with my uBPD girlfriend. We’ve been dating for a bit over three-and-half years, and at least once a month she’ll break up due to her inability to control her temper. She has to either win every argument or get her way, otherwise she won’t back down. It’s scary to watch her go off the emotional deep end over minor inconveniences. Once she calms down, she regrets what she’s done and then pleads for me to take her back, only to repeat the cycle again a few weeks later. She has the same problem getting along with her family, but not with any of her friends or work colleagues. I’ve talked to her about this, but she refuses to seek help. Instead, she insists I’m the one who’s creating the problem. I have firm boundaries in place with her, so I’m at a total loss at what she gains from continuing this push-pull behaviour or how to stop it. Looking for some incite into what drives this particular behaviour and how to deal with it? She is in denial and refuses to go for help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Dumbstruck.  . I love your screen name by the way! It's how I've been feeling myself.

For some insight into how a person with BPD thinks and interacts with others, read this article:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-symptoms-diagnostics

One way of quickly summing up some of the disordered thinking for many people with BPD is that to them "feelings are facts". This can be true for those without a personality disorder. For example, maybe your supervisor at work all of a sudden is giving you a lot of extra work and you feel like he doesn't like you and is punishing you, so you may interact with them in a unhealthy way. But it may be that your supervisor had somebody quit suddenly and feels you are the most gifted and best of his employees and that's why he's trusting you with the extra work!

When your supervisor explains this, perhaps you change your thoughts to reflect this new information. However when "feelings are facts" and you are highly sensitive then you may not be able to mentally process this new informationn because it is in such conflict with your inner feelings.

BPD tends to affect the relationships of the people closest to them. Maybe your gf isn't as close to her friends as she is to you and her family members?

[once removed]

hi Dumbstruck, i want to join Learning_curve74 and say

breakup threats tend to be something a person uses when they are highly stressed, either as a means of getting their way, or theyre overloaded and need to escape the situation.

i used them frequently, myself, with my ex 

its something you will want to nip in the bud; breakup threats erode trust over time.

im not sure id approach it from a boundaries context, at least if boundaries mean "holding her to" the breakup. if she feels that she needs to beg for you back each time, at a certain point, shes less and less likely to do so. in addition to what ill add below, you want to create a very soft landing for her.

the key is really in working together to get on the same page, if possible, on the fact that breakup threats hurt you, hurt the relationship, and to seek other (more constructive) ways...other ways, for her personally, to communicate her stress, other ways for the two of you to handle conflict, other ways to take a time out when things have gone overboard.

it will take some time and effort. it will be a conversation that needs to be revisited probably many times, and it will be something you need to approach in a benign and benevolent, and patient, way.

tell us how these things tend to go. whats the last thing she broke up with you over? what happened? what was said?