Why am I putting up with this?

[Diddle]

I am exhausted!
My undiagnosed husband, has been getting worse and worse over the last few years. The start of our relationship, was very loving, and nice, with a few flare ups that I just put down to being normal all this years ago. Now I see they have continued and just got worse.
In my opinion, he spent a lot of years blaming me for things I hadn't done, bossing me about like I was just there to do things for him. Would "grope" me at random times, nothing hugely wrong, just inappropriate at the time, and not in a loving way.

Which consequently has effected our marriage and physical relationship. He has always said we don't make enough love, its never often enough.  He would feel better about our relationship if I did this, then if I do that, its something else, Never enough, the goal posts are always moved. To the point where I feel very very insecure and protective of myself when it comes to the bedroom.

Whenever he is feeling stressed, it becomes the end of the marriage, every problem within it is hurled at me, he doesn't accept that he is part of the reason I am less loving and affectionate to him. Turns it around to be me.

So after 8 weeks of lockdown things had been semi smooth, then comes along a major trigger, his moms birthday. Since then 6 days ago, we have argued everyday, he has told me that its no wonder husbands go and top themselves with wives like me!
He's been over the top nice and sorry, and doesn't want to be here anymore, the whole of the next day, then Bam, because I don't want to be intimate with him that night, because I fear it will make things worse, and to be totally honest I don't exactly feel turned on by his horrible words to me, he has exploded again at me for the last 2 nights. Telling me I am blackmailing him, and using sex as a weapon, which I most certainly am not.

I don't think I can keep doing this, I can't seem to calm things down. Ignoring him works, but there's nowhere to escape to in lockdown.

I guess I just feel like I need some words of wisdom, as he is making me feel like I am the problem.

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[once removed]

hi Diddle, and

sex in a relationship. its the real hot button issue.

and years into a relationship, it can make or break it.

the first thing to know is that the two of you are likely seeing, and approaching this in very different ways.

very generally speaking, men need that sexual connection for the rest of the relationship to work. we tend to try lots of things when it doesnt...often, the wrong things. we can be passive aggressive. resentful. overly aggressive, in a sexual context. this can also be true for people with bpd traits in general, who can be really needy, and simultaneously very bad at communicating their needs, and not the greatest in the ways they try to get them met.

very generally speaking, women need the rest of the relationship to work to have that sexual connection. trust, intimacy, emotional connection, safety.

when none of these things exist, you have two very different styles fighting over needs, which, fundamentally, can be very different things, and the result is ultimately two people pushing each other away.

so, how can these different, and at odds needs be reconciled? not easily. the problems didnt start over night and wont be resolved over night.

how long have the two of you been married? how long in would you say this problem started?

[alleyesonme]

I am exhausted!
My undiagnosed husband, has been getting worse and worse over the last few years. The start of our relationship, was very loving, and nice, with a few flare ups that I just put down to being normal all this years ago. Now I see they have continued and just got worse.
In my opinion, he spent a lot of years blaming me for things I hadn't done, bossing me about like I was just there to do things for him. Would "grope" me at random times, nothing hugely wrong, just inappropriate at the time, and not in a loving way.

Which consequently has effected our marriage and physical relationship. He has always said we don't make enough love, its never often enough.  He would feel better about our relationship if I did this, then if I do that, its something else, Never enough, the goal posts are always moved. To the point where I feel very very insecure and protective of myself when it comes to the bedroom.

Whenever he is feeling stressed, it becomes the end of the marriage, every problem within it is hurled at me, he doesn't accept that he is part of the reason I am less loving and affectionate to him. Turns it around to be me.

So after 8 weeks of lockdown things had been semi smooth, then comes along a major trigger, his moms birthday. Since then 6 days ago, we have argued everyday, he has told me that its no wonder husbands go and top themselves with wives like me!
He's been over the top nice and sorry, and doesn't want to be here anymore, the whole of the next day, then Bam, because I don't want to be intimate with him that night, because I fear it will make things worse, and to be totally honest I don't exactly feel turned on by his horrible words to me, he has exploded again at me for the last 2 nights. Telling me I am blackmailing him, and using sex as a weapon, which I most certainly am not.

I don't think I can keep doing this, I can't seem to calm things down. Ignoring him works, but there's nowhere to escape to in lockdown.

I guess I just feel like I need some words of wisdom, as he is making me feel like I am the problem.

Welcome to this site! I just joined a few months back, and have learned so much here (including from once removed).

I'm a man, and my wife hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, but I've had three different therapists tell me there's a good chance she has it, and I'd bet any amount of money that she does.

We're going through a similar stage as you, with the roles being reversed. She's so mean to me that I've lost all attraction for her, so I wouldn't even consider doing anything with her physically at this point. This only makes her even angrier, and causes her to lash out at me, insult me and call me controlling without acknowledging how we got to this point.

The one piece of advice I'd share is to not do anything you don't want to do. Even if you're married, you're still not obligated to do that with him. As long as you're communicating to him why you aren't interested in being intimate and giving "action steps" (ie treat me how I treat you) that he can take, I think the ball is in his court.

[Diddle]

Thank you so much for your replies, i really need to come on here more often and learn more from you guys.
You’re full of wisdom the evades me in those heated moments.

Yes i agree men and women definitely approach the physical side of relationships differently, but it is so hard to see a solution to this when we disagree, and my husband isn’t even admitting the truth about the situation.
I am always the one in the wrong, for being annoyed, when he says something he knows will provoke my anger.

So we have the same “our marriage is over” argument every 3/4 weeks shout, cry, agree to move forward. Then the cycle starts again.
Sound familiar? Its exhausting. Relationships are hard at the best of times.
I always feel like we should talk it out, but its literally the same conversation every time and i’m made to feel like i’ve been an awful wife, when i know i haven’t. Nobodys perfect but i’ve always tried. What makes him even angrier is when i do stand up for myself. Hence feeling like to a degree in the bedroom i do need to do things that compromise how i’m feeling inside to keep the peace.
The more i type the more i realise how wrong that is.

There just feels like no end in sight because its impossible to resolve. Hard times

[once removed]

resolving conflict isnt about being right or winning.

its about getting on the same page...finding solutions that work for everyone.

its a mindset. youre going to have to adjust mindsets a bit, in order to focus on solutions.

So we have the same “our marriage is over” argument every 3/4 weeks shout, cry, agree to move forward. Then the cycle starts again.

these circumstances arent really conducive to a happy, healthy sex life, or intimacy in general.

whats likely going to need to happen before any of that, is breaking the cycle. learning new ways of resolving conflict rather than it becoming more protracted over time.