Support

[juju2]

Hi everyone
Looking for support around the situation that my separated s.o. shared with me.
We meet every week for 1-2 hours.  To just talk and be together.
He keeps saying he wants us to get to know one another again.
He is living w a lady roommate, since May two years ago, who started out as my replacement.
He says for a year now it's over and she has to go, there is nothing physical.
She ended up being evicted right before she moved in with him, he doesn't want to put her on the street.

The situation:  He says he will have to move her, pay for her to get a place initially(because of eviction).  She works and spends her money on herself.
money for him is off and on in his field.
He has been saying this about moving her as the only way, to finally have her leave.
He has asked her to leave and she says she can't wait to leave, have this be over!
then she doesn't leave...
Yesterday was the first time he spoke plainly, without being vague with me on this.

I realize some on here just want me to kick him to curb.  We have 10 years living together and I resolved a huge gambling addiction I had. (3 years in April.)
This last 6 months of meeting up shows me he is sincere and cautious also.
He also shared w me that his mentor has not supported him getting back w me.
Yesterday, he told me he is getting distance w that mentor and relying on a new mentor...
the reason I am concerned about him moving her is money is tight. 

I apologize this is so long.
thank you for reading this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Juju-

Congratulations on three years in your program.  Facing any addiction is extremely brave and difficult.

You and your so have been through a lot, and the fact that you’ve sustained your weekly meetings really says something about your connection.  Although it is clear from this, and reading your other posts that trust between the two of you does need to be rebuilt.  You’re doing that through these meetings.

And he’s saying that ... “he wants us to get to know one another again”.

I understand you generally don’t want to be asked questions, so perhaps these are just things for you to consider, and not necessarily answer here.

I recall from an earlier post that his roommate/ the lady intended to buy a house.  Now she needs financial help just to find a rental?  Seems a disconnect to me.  Kind of a large one. 

If he’s saying he needs to pay for her move, rental... is this a one and done?  Meaning he pays first, last and security and that’s it?  Or is he signing as a guarantor on her lease because she was evicted?  If she’s got a lengthy rental history and had only one eviction, then most landlords will accept extra security funds to make them “feel” better.

Is your SO maybe thinking that the minute she moves out your expectation is that he moves right back in with you?  Perhaps he’s not yet ready and is scared to share this fear with you?  He’s working TOWARD this day, but maybe that day is not here yet?  And are YOU even ready for this cohabitation?  Questions all around...

I don’t know Juju.  You know in these relationships the non HAS to take the lead... in a non-accusatory manner.  In a supportive manner. Putting your feelings aside.  Hard, I know.

He WANTS you but  is afraid of the pain he felt when you left him before.  He WANTS her gone but is afraid of being alone.  Wants and contradictions.

Finally, his money and the dangers of codependent behaviors.  In spite of “leading” the relationship, you’ve still got to use care not to step on his toes when it comes to “advising” and DIRECTING on money issues.  He’s not your partner yet.  So unless he specifically ASKS for advice, you cannot give it.  That will “de-man” him.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[juju2]

Hi gem

I do know that it won't be instant or anywhere close to instant ...us getting back together.  and cohabitating far down the road possibly.

He is caring, would never put anyone on the street.  this last visit could be described as sweet.  I felt our connection.
There was clarity, communication.  I mostly listened and didn't ask a lot of questions...

He just says he has to work on bringing in the money right now.  He didn't want to say why she has no money, no responsibility. 
We put up w that behaviour for one year from his dtr, adult, living w us to get a new start.  I am sure he is noticing the similarities...dtr was hiding drug addiction...he is the one who finally told me, he knows what is going on...it did take him a while to catch on tho.

I appreciate everything you said and I agree. 
The lady ---I think if she has an addiction, is just saying whatever...buy a home, move, can't wait to move; everything an active addict says is without integrity.  I say this, that is how I was...  Selfishness

I think now I just enjoy that we seemed to turn a corner in trust and communication.
For example, he shared his week's schedule and he wants us to reconnect this week, jobs permitting!
Am going slow.

Thank you for your sharing.

[alleyesonme]

Hi gem

I do know that it won't be instant or anywhere close to instant ...us getting back together.  and cohabitating far down the road possibly.

He is caring, would never put anyone on the street.  this last visit could be described as sweet.  I felt our connection.
There was clarity, communication.  I mostly listened and didn't ask a lot of questions...

He just says he has to work on bringing in the money right now.  He didn't want to say why she has no money, no responsibility. 
We put up w that behaviour for one year from his dtr, adult, living w us to get a new start.  I am sure he is noticing the similarities...dtr was hiding drug addiction...he is the one who finally told me, he knows what is going on...it did take him a while to catch on tho.

I appreciate everything you said and I agree. 
The lady ---I think if she has an addiction, is just saying whatever...buy a home, move, can't wait to move; everything an active addict says is without integrity.  I say this, that is how I was...  Selfishness

I think now I just enjoy that we seemed to turn a corner in trust and communication.
For example, he shared his week's schedule and he wants us to reconnect this week, jobs permitting!
Am going slow.

Thank you for your sharing.

As you said, I think going as slow as possible sounds like a good plan.

One piece of advice that I heard after I'd already gotten married, and wished I'd heard it before I got married, is to take a long road trip with that person and see how it goes. Anyone can act a certain way in scheduled weekly meetings, but when it's nothing but the two of you in a car for hours on end when minor inconveniences (traffic, weather, getting lost, etc.) are bound to come up, I think you'll get a good feel for whether or not you two are compatible.

Sounds like you aren't even ready for that yet, but I'm just throwing it out there now as a possible tool for you to use down the road if you two get that far. I wish I'd done that before getting married.

[juju2]

Thank you All!

Good advice.

Yes we have taken many road trips.  We are compatible. Especially since now I am not in active addiction.  I turned a major corner on that and thanks to my program and Higher Power and my support system in program, I am not addicted to gambling anymore.

Thank you so much

[alleyesonme]

Thank you All!

Good advice.

Yes we have taken many road trips.  We are compatible. Especially since now I am not in active addiction.  I turned a major corner on that and thanks to my program and Higher Power and my support system in program, I am not addicted to gambling anymore.

Thank you so much

Awesome to hear that, and you're very welcome! Please keep us posted on how this progresses.