Retriggered by dating

[teawoman5]

I'm wondering if anyone else has found themselves back at square one when they start trying to meet new people.

It's been four months since the final discard by my BPDex (and I was mourning the sudden shift in his behavior months before that.) I've worked to get to a calmer place the last several months. Now the breakup suddenly feels fresh again. I find myself aching for the good days when we were happy.

I'm 35 and I imagine settling down with a partner soon. Some days I wake up hopeful for the future. I'm even grateful that (as much as I love my ex) our relationship did not claim more of my life than it did. But opening myself up to meeting someone new has me missing him all over again. It's hard to imagine being with someone else.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey teawoman5, Four months is a relatively short period of time, so I suggest you cut yourself some slack.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace.  Maybe it's too soon for you to start dating again?  When you are "aching for the good days," don't forget to balance that out with memories of the negative aspects of a BPD r/s.  We tend to suppress the bad times and feel nostalgic for the good times.  The reality is, you can't have one without the other in a BPD r/s.  Maybe you are still grieving the loss of the r/s?  If so, it's OK to put dating on the back burner for now.

LuckyJim

[teawoman5]

Thanks for your response. You are right that I should allow myself the time I need to heal. It just feels like I've done so much grieving already! My ex began splitting and punitive behavior suddenly in November last year (things changed completely in a matter of days). So it's really been closer to seven months of this.

When you are "aching for the good days," don't forget to balance that out with memories of the negative aspects of a BPD r/s.  We tend to suppress the bad times and feel nostalgic for the good times.  The reality is, you can't have one without the other in a BPD r/s.

Well said. I needed to hear this. For months I've practiced balancing the good and bad memories. When I see "our" bench at the coffee shop where we spent so many good days, I remember that other other coffee shop where the awful, final discard happened (or at least where I tried to talk to him about what was happening).

But something about the prospect of dating someone new brings up a flood of the good memories that are hard to see objectively. It also makes me remember that I really thought my ex was "the one" and that I never imagined starting over, possibly with someone else in the future.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey tw5, You're welcome.  When you are ready to date, I predict you will know it.

But something about the prospect of dating someone new brings up a flood of the good memories that are hard to see objectively. It also makes me remember that I really thought my ex was "the one" and that I never imagined starting over, possibly with someone else in the future.

I suggest you allow and acknowledge the "flood of memories" as they arise.  Just observe, then let the feelings go.

The detaching process involves letting go of the dream, which is sad and hard, as you note.  On the other hand, going through the BPD wringer leads to greater happiness, in my view, which is what it's all about, right?  You know yourself better now, I'm guessing, which will help as you move forward.

LJ

[space_and_time]

Hi tw5,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Its only been two months for me but I already see a new future although my ex is still in my head a little bit too. But if it's any consolation, my therapist told me to wait a year before dating someone new. At first I scoffed, but now I can see where he's going with it. I need to look inside, learn and explore some new ideas and things about myself. I need to build a better me, so to speak. I think I see what Lucky Jim says, you'll know it when you're ready. Good luck!

[teawoman5]

Hey tw5, You're welcome.  When you are ready to date, I predict you will know it.

Thanks I certainly hope so. I agree that a lot of meaning comes out of learning and growing from difficult situations. And put through the wringer describes it very well! I'm very curious about how you see it as leading to greater happiness. Could you describe that a bit? Thanks.

[teawoman5]

Hi tw5,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Its only been two months for me but I already see a new future although my ex is still in my head a little bit too. But if it's any consolation, my therapist told me to wait a year before dating someone new. At first I scoffed, but now I can see where he's going with it. I need to look inside, learn and explore some new ideas and things about myself. I need to build a better me, so to speak. I think I see what Lucky Jim says, you'll know it when you're ready. Good luck!

Thanks. That's an interesting perspective. I definitely agree with the idea of not rushing in before one is ready. I think I'm starting to feel ready but not 100% there yet. If you feel comfortable sharing, what are some of the ideas you are exploring to help you heal and move forward?

[Lucky Jim]

I'm very curious about how you see it as leading to greater happiness. Could you describe that a bit? Thanks.

Hey tw5,  I mean that your next relationship will likely be healthier and more loving, without all the turmoil and drama.  I also mean that, apart from a warmer romantic life, in the aftermath of a BPD r/s you are likely to learn to love and accept yourself, which leads to better boundaries.  I also mean that you will likely get back to who you are at your core, with a return to authenticity. 

As Nietzsche said, "That which doesn't kill us make us stronger."  I happen to agree with him and find that quote particularly apt to one who has successfully detached from a BPD r/s.  I nearly destroyed myself in my marriage to a pwBPD, which may sound melodramatic, but is true.  Things got so bad that two kind friends and a family member actually conducted an intervention on me.  That's a story for another day, but suffice to say I hit bottom, which was not fun.

Now I'm back on My Path, which is a joyful journey even when the going gets rough.  Yes, I'm here to confirm that it leads to greater happiness.

LJ

[teawoman5]

Hey tw5,  I mean that your next relationship will likely be healthier and more loving, without all the turmoil and drama.  I also mean that, apart from a warmer romantic life, in the aftermath of a BPD r/s you are likely to learn to love and accept yourself, which leads to better boundaries.  I also mean that you will likely get back to who you are at your core, with a return to authenticity. 

Thanks for sharing your experience and positive outlook on the future. It sounds like you went through a lot but emerged stronger and more aware of yourself as an individual. That's a long journey from feeling nearly destroyed by your marriage and one to be proud of! I hope the same will be true for me. For now at least I know I will have stronger boundaries out of self-protection. I also feel confident that I would not end up in another BPD r/s because I would now recognize the behaviors.

I like the perspective of seeing our journeys as 'joyful even when the going gets rough.' Thanks again for sharing.

[Lucky Jim]

For now at least I know I will have stronger boundaries out of self-protection. I also feel confident that I would not end up in another BPD r/s because I would now recognize the behaviors.

Hey tw5, Sounds like you are already on your path towards greater happiness!

I predict that one day you will feel grateful to have moved on from your BPD r/s.

LJ

[once removed]

For now at least I know I will have stronger boundaries out of self-protection. I also feel confident that I would not end up in another BPD r/s because I would now recognize the behaviors.

heres the thing...

this wont stop you from getting into another dysfunctional relationship.

a lot of us here have, myself included, twice.

the key to dating is really doing so with confidence...out of a sense of what it is you know you want, rather than what you want to avoid. as another member here once said, you dont become a "good fruit picker" by "learning to spot bad fruit".

a lot of people...maybe most(?) are dating from a place of fear and avoidance. and so theyre saying the right things.

its been four months...that isnt a long time, relatively speaking, though youve determined its time to start feeling your way out there, and that just really depends on the person. for some, dating is part of "getting back to normal", and for others, it may be better to change what getting back to normal means.

you are grieving your loss. that doesnt have to mean its a bad idea to step into dating (it might). it should inform your process and what youre looking for, what your expectations are and arent.

[JNChell]

once removed has some very solid points. Also, I’d like to echo that it’s been a short amount of time. Don’t push yourself. I really like the fruit picking analogy. It makes sense. I was seeing a woman for around 7 months. I haven’t brought that here until now. We’ve been broken up for a few months now. I met her online. It was a LDR. She’s not a BPD or anything like that. In fact, we keep in touch as friends. There were issues, and that’s what attracted us. It wasn’t a situation that was built to last. She moved on very quickly after our breakup. It stung a bit, but it wasn’t like my other breakups. It’s just a bit weird to be told that you’re loved, only to know that that person is attaching to another so quickly. But, without great detail, I understand it.

Looking at it, it would’ve become dysfunctional. I have no doubt about that, and for once in my life I ended it when I saw it. She’s not a bad person at all. She is lovely. But there were things that were unfolding. Mostly, it was me. I have a lot of work to do. I’d like to eventually be able to look for the good fruit. Sounds nice. Until then, I suppose that I need to keep working on myself.

Something else that really stuck out to me is knowing what we want rather than what to avoid. It’s kind of like picking from two different piles. Something to think about.

[teawoman5]

I predict that one day you will feel grateful to have moved on from your BPD r/s.

Thank you I hope you're right. I already feel grateful in some ways.

[teawoman5]

heres the thing...

this wont stop you from getting into another dysfunctional relationship.

a lot of us here have, myself included, twice.

the key to dating is really doing so with confidence...out of a sense of what it is you know you want, rather than what you want to avoid. as another member here once said, you dont become a "good fruit picker" by "learning to spot bad fruit".

a lot of people...maybe most(?) are dating from a place of fear and avoidance. and so theyre saying the right things.

its been four months...that isnt a long time, relatively speaking, though youve determined its time to start feeling your way out there, and that just really depends on the person. for some, dating is part of "getting back to normal", and for others, it may be better to change what getting back to normal means.

you are grieving your loss. that doesnt have to mean its a bad idea to step into dating (it might). it should inform your process and what youre looking for, what your expectations are and arent.

I really appreciate this perspective. I think after a BPD r/s there is a tendency to be a bit afraid and on the defensive when thinking about dating again. But you're right that a difficult past experience won't necessarily prevent you from making mistakes in the future. After all there are so many different types of "red flags" out there aren't there? I will definitely keep checking in with the positive side of what I want in a partner and try to let that be the guide.

[teawoman5]

Looking at it, it would’ve become dysfunctional. I have no doubt about that, and for once in my life I ended it when I saw it.

That's a big deal, actually! It's often hard to end a relationship even when it is unhealthy in some way. It sounds like you have grown to a place where you are capable of acting on what you know is best for yourself. That's something to be proud of. I like the idea of picking from two piles. Will see how this whole new step forward goes...

[Whit Huntington]

Once Removed, I  know exactly what I want but it hasn't helped me...  I was 41, I knew what I wanted and then I met him, and he knew exactly how to treat  me.  He seemed to have what I was looking for, what I had defined as what I wanted for life (in all respects) and wouldn't settle for less...  when his impulsive anger flashes started, I would gracefully say "that kind of unpredictable anger is part of my past but it's not going to be in my future;" he would calm himself quickly - but after a while he always found new ways  of ruining things.   He just can't love and so I ended it.   I still feel betrayal but  I want to get to the  point of sending him positive vibes and having zero lingering heart investment.  I still have 10%, but will never  speak with him again.  But once removed, I feel so betrayed by life. Now I'm 43 and alone again, when I practice kindness and boundaries,  balance, self-awareness, all of it.  So I don't understand what you mean, that  knowing what we want will get us there, and I really, really want  to understand...

Teawoman5, I think COVID/quarantine must also  be  a factor in this, and you may want  to consider giving yourself some grace for that...?  I am very grateful I have a space to be  safe in.  But the current state of things, for me, hinders forward momentum.  Being prohibited from leaving your space, everyone's inability to be in close physical proximity with others, time stuck inside to ruminate, the economy being precarious... and people's stress levels are just skyrocketing.  Today  I went downtown for a doc appointment, I was looking forward to find a spot at a cafe sitting 6 ft away in the sun and  just read with a coffee  for a  few minutes.    I ran into people that were so unpleasant I can only  imagine it's due to the stress

[once removed]

Once Removed, I  know exactly what I want but it hasn't helped me...

sometimes, especially in the aftermath of a painful and dysfunctional relationship, we have to look at what we want, what we need, what weve been attracted to...and consider how it has served us in life, in the dating world, and consider moving toward a different model.

all of my exes, on some level (most even), were what i wanted. i wouldnt have been attracted to them otherwise.

and full disclosure, i still have, on some level, most of those old attractions...the same type. i dont really gravitate toward that direction anymore, though. deep down, i value different things.

i didnt get there over night. first i had to really, completely, grieve and let go of my old relationship, mourn it, say goodbye to those things. there is a tendency to be afraid and defensive, and thats natural, honor it...dont use dating as a means to solve it, or i promise you it will make things worse. there was trial and error after that...i, arguably, went backwards. it was kind of like quitting a drug, and replacing it with a more dangerous drug.

knowing what you want, alone, wont get you there. it really requires becoming a person who is both firmly in touch with it, actively living it, but also who can attract it. i wanted a more emotionally mature partner...i first had to become a more emotionally mature guy.

[Whit Huntington]

Once Removed, thank you so much