Relationship over - crossroads ahead and all I want is back in the mix

[Clever_Username]

I don’t know where to turn now that I’ve I’ve alienated everyone in my life.
At this point after 25 years with my uBPD wife I find myself suddenly alone, isolated from friends and family, without an income and hiding from the world in a local hotel watching the money run out. My one child thinks it all my fault and still lives with mom and maybe that’s the hardest part. After years of living with my spouse I’ve learned to accept less, tried to please more but mostly make my world small – be a great dad and make that work and to worry about successfully launching my child forgoing personal happiness and trying to learn from sources like this as a way to manage the situation. Stupid.

I find myself looking at the numerous lonely and sad looking men wandering the streets in this part of town and so much fear and anxiety comes-up. Is that the future me? Nope, don't want that but I don’t know how to move forward and don’t even care to try today.
I’ve been so controlled for so long now I don’t even know how to make decisions. I feel shockingly weak. Never in my 51 years have I sounded so powerless to others and felt that so well internalized.

Thank you for everyone contributing to this community. The info here has been significant and the stories have been heartfelt and resonated with me. But this isn't necessarily a place to simply complain for me., rather I have a question for anyone who's gone through this - How did you keep going without people, money, identity, comfortable roles...hope?
Thanks.

[Gibson56]

Clever,

First of all, know that you are not alone.  So many others are going through the same thing.  I was with her for 22 years, married for 17.  I also alienated friends and family.  I'm living in an apartment now and at times I feel very much alone.  We are in the process of a divorce.  During the marriage I would get a hotel for a few nights when things were crazy.  You reminded me of those times.

I think hope is exactly what keeps me going right now.  I didn't have any hope left while in the relationship.  I wasn't excited about my future.  I was losing myself.  Now, even though it is very uncertain, there can be hope and a future for me.  I take it one day at a time.  I know there is a mountain ahead of me to climb to heal from all the emotional abuse.

I believe that I will get through this and I will be stronger than I was before I met her.  I believe I will get myself back.  I will get back the sweet, loving, empathetic energy that she took from me.  I pray and meditate.  I've been reaching out to friends and family for support.  Reaching out more than I have done in many years.  It's tough to be alone but as someone who was codependent this is what I need right now.  I can love myself more than anyone else, after all.  I can finally put myself first now.  I feel for you and hope that you are also finding some peace in this tough time. 

- Gibson56

[Clever_Username]

Thank you Gibson56.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CleverUser, Gibson56 makes some great points.

Let me use an analogy.  In Classical myth, Theseus find his way out of the Cave of the Minotaur by following the thread he unspooled on his way into the Labyrinth.  In some ways, you are in a similar cave.  Picking up the "thread" of your life, in this sense, is key in order for you to emerge from this cave.

How to find the "thread"?  Re-read Gibson56's thoughtful post for some suggestions, such as: pray, meditate, reach out to family and friends, practice self-love and put yourself first.  Make your life a journey towards authenticity.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  It's an uphill climb, as Gibson notes, but it's your Path now.

LuckyJim

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear CU-

I am so so sorry for what you’re going through.  There are many parts of this you have no control over.  Again, I’m sorry.

In my experience, I found it easier to take (really for me) when I acknowledged that yes, I loyally devoted and POURED myself into HIS world for a time... for a time.  I stopped saying how many years I did that for.  That just hurt me.  I had to stop doing things, and saying things to myself that hurt me.  To stop myself from further spiraling down.

And then try to compartmentalize parts of the day.  Mourning in the morning... okay, a time for tears.  Cry, fall apart... but limit myself.  Shower, wash my hair.  Eat.  Take a walk with music on my head.  One foot in front of the other.  Talk to SOMEBODY on the phone... an old friend, a family member.  Make myself reach out.  I was so USED to being the one people came to... so used to NEVER asking for anything.  I found that when I asked, people showed up.  I didn’t tell details... just said I needed some support.  They supported.

Because I “fled”, I lost my job.  My work had been a large part of my ability to deny what was happening and how awful he had been.  My H provided NO validation of me as a human being, my work did.  That part was gone.  You are now without work.  I am again looking for work and have found that zip recruiter is filled with remote jobs (with tags that state “hiring during Covid”).  Work and income can give you purpose, routine.  When we’re “lost”, routine of some sort can be good for us... can get us on a path and elevate us.

Little steps, my friend, little steps... in time, you’ll find yourself.  You’ll find reasons to feel better, to even feel good.

And when you begin to feel stronger, better, you’ll be on firmer footing to contact your daughter.  She’s still your child.

Your thoughts? 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Clever_Username]

Thank you Gemsforeyes. You're right, little steps, small victories. I'll try compartmentalizing when I start thinking again. My mind feels so sluggish and unable to focus on anything but like everything it'll get better with time.

Looking for work and finding routine with the added benefit of finding friends again sounds like the way to go. I'll need to follow in your footsteps and figure that out. I haven't worked for someone else in so many years it'll be challenging but I'm sure rewarding in the end but I doubt my computer science degree will impress anymore since I've been out of the field for so long and I just don't want to start over again. But I will and my daughter will talk to me again and I will move forward.

Thank you for your words of support. Right now this forum is the only support source responding to me and it means a lot.

-Jim