my mom has bpd

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

My mother has bpd. I'm a social worker, and currently residing with her as I wfh during covid. Being in her home is a slap in the face of a reminder of her mental illness. I'm reminded of why I worked so hard to get my education, my work, and my money-- to get out of her home and away from the chaos.

In not living with her, I had the ability to practice different boundaries, which of course were still not respected/her mood swings resulting from feeling abandoned due to my boundaries were also work, but not like the work it takes to live with her. Every thing I try to discuss with her is a battle, always resulting in my being "bad" or her being "bad". Today, I asked if she got on the wifi fine on her laptop, and the anxiety/blame was immediate and intense: "This is the first I'm hearing of a wifi problem! I can get on fine!"

I told her I had a headache three days ago and it's been constant, so I've told her it's stayed every day. Every day, I tell her my head hurts, and today is the first day she even looked for Advil for me. The first day, she told me I should smoke less marijuana, and the second day, she asked how much marijuana I've been smoking compared to a few weeks ago when I didn't have headaches, and I told her-- the same. She is incapable of caring from a genuine perspective and needs to be right about my marijuana use being "bad."

Her friend did something really rude to her over the weekend and looked me in the eyes while he lied to her about it, knowing that I saw the truth and suspecting me to be "on his side." I was not, and I told my mom about the thing. I told her I was extremely uncomfortable that he put me in that position and it felt manipulative, and she didn't even care about that-- all she cared about was the rude thing he did that he lied about. She obsessed over it. Because it's related to her house, of course. And her house is what she must focus on every minute of the day to remain distracted from her feelings and being alone with herself.

Of course, as a child, I learned not to seek her assistance when not required. Sometimes, because I'm human, I seek my mother's validation- which is usually a big mistake. I try to keep our conversations as neutral and limited as possible-- mostly about the cat now.  I like to play word games (Bananagram) and can handle that with her because she is so distracted that she doesn't speak to me at all during the game (that bpd b&w) and I'm always able to validate & parent her at the end of the game.

Please, let me know if you have any tips for surviving quarantine/being back home with a bpd parent for the quarantine. I'm also seeking any tips in coping with my mother with bpd in general. There's a lot to untangle for me (thinking a lot recently about the whole "love is earned" thing) and my understanding of life due to the way I was raised by her, and I'm just getting started. This is a great place to start and I'm grateful for the platform.

Thank you all, stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay kind and stay you.

Sincerely,
OrangeFeathers

[orangefeathers]

Hi,

My mother has bpd. I'm a social worker, and currently residing with her as I wfh during covid. Being in her home is a slap in the face of a reminder of her mental illness. I'm reminded of why I worked so hard to get my education, my work, and my money-- to get out of her home and away from the chaos.

In not living with her, I had the ability to practice different boundaries, which of course were still not respected/her mood swings resulting from feeling abandoned due to my boundaries were also work, but not like the work it takes to live with her. Every thing I try to discuss with her is a battle, always resulting in my being "bad" or her being "bad". Today, I asked if she got on the wifi fine on her laptop, and the anxiety/blame was immediate and intense: "This is the first I'm hearing of a wifi problem! I can get on fine!"

I told her I had a headache three days ago and it's been constant, so I've told her it's stayed every day. Every day, I tell her my head hurts, and today is the first day she even looked for Advil for me. The first day, she told me I should smoke less marijuana, and the second day, she asked how much marijuana I've been smoking compared to a few weeks ago when I didn't have headaches, and I told her-- the same. She is incapable of caring from a genuine perspective and needs to be right about my marijuana use being "bad."

Her friend did something really rude to her over the weekend and looked me in the eyes while he lied to her about it, knowing that I saw the truth and suspecting me to be "on his side." I was not, and I told my mom about the thing. I told her I was extremely uncomfortable that he put me in that position and it felt manipulative, and she didn't even care about that-- all she cared about was the rude thing he did that he lied about. She obsessed over it. Because it's related to her house, of course. And her house is what she must focus on every minute of the day to remain distracted from her feelings and being alone with herself.

Of course, as a child, I learned not to seek her assistance when not required. Sometimes, because I'm human, I seek my mother's validation- which is usually a big mistake. I try to keep our conversations as neutral and limited as possible-- mostly about the cat now.  I like to play word games (Bananagram) and can handle that with her because she is so distracted that she doesn't speak to me at all during the game (that bpd b&w) and I'm always able to validate & parent her at the end of the game.

Please, let me know if you have any tips for surviving quarantine/being back home with a bpd parent for the quarantine. I'm also seeking any tips in coping with my mother with bpd in general. There's a lot to untangle for me (thinking a lot recently about the whole "love is earned" thing) and my understanding of life due to the way I was raised by her, and I'm just getting started. This is a great place to start and I'm grateful for the platform.

Thank you all, stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay kind and stay you.

Sincerely,
OrangeFeathers

[Methuen]

Hi Orangefeathers

I think one of the many things I have learned to help me cope with my mom, is to simply not engage with her.

My mom ALWAYS throws out "barbs" at me.  These words or statements are designed to "snag" me into conflict, and if I respond to those barbs with any kind of defense, or explanation, or argue with facts, or try to justify myself, she "reels" me in and the whole thing escalates.  This is often when the "turn" happens, and she can go from being human, to "an emotionally charged attack".

I no longer JADE.  Today she threw out multiple barbs.  Some I ignored.  Some I responded to with a validating question.  One or two I responded to with SET.  

In the past, I would have taken her bait, and she would have reeled me in.   I have learned to recognize the barbs.  Now I avoid them.  To use Imatter's words on another thread "I have learned some things".

As a result, I was able to avoid a blowout today.  I recounted the whole thing to my husband afterwards, and I think I must have dodged at least 8 bullets.  She was itching for a fight, but I didn't give it to her.

Instead, I finished doing some nice things for her (even though she accused me of purposefully not doing them "right"), and I drove away intact.  

And there's the clincher.  I drove away.  

I could never live with my mom.  I think she would consume me.  I would lose myself.  So I give a lot of credit to anyone who even tries, because I can't do that.  I'm 58 and my mom is 84.  

Since you are wfh at your mom's place during Covid, do you think it is possible to disengage from her by just not engaging or "playing ball" when she is spoiling for some drama?  You probably already use SET, and validating questions.  My mom is ADHD so I can also change the subject.  Sometimes I just stay silent.  Sometimes I say "mmmm" if I'm afraid the silence will make her mad.  It sounds like you already have a few strategies up your sleeve (i.e. Bananagram).  Perhaps even finding a few more could make a difference?  

I suspect you already know that trying to please her won't work.  It doesn't matter how much we do or how well we do it, it will never be enough.  So don't burn yourself out trying.  Instead, just do what's reasonable, and look after yourself.

Since you are working from home, do you happen to have a private workspace?  Somewhere you can go to be by yourself, close the door, and not be with her?

Private walks outside?

"Space" is important, for both of you.  She probably needs her own space too, regardless of whether or not she recognizes that.

Another things I've learned is to "manage" my frustration with her after these interactions.  I used to ruminate.  For example, this sounds like it bothered you:
 

I told her I was extremely uncomfortable that he put me in that position and it felt manipulative, and she didn't even care about that-- all she cared about was the rude thing he did that he lied about. She obsessed over it. Because it's related to her house, of course. And her house is what she must focus on every minute of the day to remain distracted from her feelings and being alone with herself.

Yes.  You are right.  It is all about her.  She is not empathizing with you.  That is disease.  Not her.  She's not capable of empathy, so when you are able to let go of wanting that from her, it may not bother you as much that it's not there.  That's how it worked for me.  I just let go of my expectations of my mother.

Stay kind and stay you.

You too!