There was no option for friend so I clicked on the relation to sibling

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I dont know where to start or what to say, as I have been feeling like I am struggling to understand my emotions lately even though I know it is okay to feel this way. My friend has BPD. I have known her for 10 years, and I found out about 2 years ago (before her as I went to see a psychologist and she hinted at it to me), my friend has known for 1 year. I used to be extremely close with my friend as we met at the start of High school, and were basically inseparable. Throughout High school I remember she would blow up at me over what seemed like nothing (I now understand why it was this way), but in short, it is fair to say I copped a lot of unfair treatment and I felt like I was a doormat, but accepted it as I never stood up for myself back then. When I say we were inseparable, I mean we would see each other every single day of the week: school 5 days and then Saturdays and Sundays. Straight after we graduated, I got into a relationship and it was extremely rough on me. I would still see her 2-3 days a week, juggling my partner, family, other friends, work, university and it seemed like she was constantly mad at me as she wanted all of my attention. She called my partner horrible things to my face and his, and as I got older I stood up for myself and we would go for weeks without talking at times due to the fights and then would be fine again. I would always feel guilty for not talking to her as she told me I was the only person she trusted, and her only friend (we had a big group of other friends, but she would only see them if I went) and I am not the type of person to end friendships so easily. I was seeing less and less of her: going from 2 times a week, to once. I would dread seeing her and after leaving our catch ups feel a breath of fresh air. I didn't know I felt like this though, I just thought I was overly anxious, so I decided to see a psychologist. After many sessions I realised my friend was the topic of each session and then my psychologist handed me the book 'stop walking on eggshells'. I didn't understand why, but I read it and everything became clear to me. I kept this information to myself as she wasn't diagnosed, and I did not want to tell my friend that she had been the topic of every psychologist session. But last year things took a very dark turn. She started drinking every single night to where she wouldn't remember anything. I cant remember how I figured it out, but last year was rough. She would manipulate me into thinking she wasn't going to do it again and to not telling her parents, but I eventually did when I realised she was lying. I told her parents (I don't know how they didn't realise as she was drinking almost 20 standard drinks every night), she hated me and let me know about it, but still wanted me there. I remember finding out she was going to a music festival, and I decided to talk to her parents about how it wasnt a good idea as I wasnt going to be there to watch out for her (something that wasn't my responsibility, but all of our friends and her parents kind of expected me to). She manipulated them by saying she would be fine and went, and my big group of friends realised what was going on, and I think understood what I usually was trying to deal with (this gave me some support, but honestly they wanted to palm her off to me) the amount of times i've heard them saying '''my name' will deal with her where is she?" is ridiculous and unfair. Anyway after a couple of months and multiple trips via ambulance, she still didn't want help. When she did get it, it wasn't rehab or anything intensive, but psychologist appointments. I would go to her psychologist apps with her and have to do the talking (she would barely say a word and would lie) and it was tough, especially when I found out what she was having daily (up to 5 valium and lots of vodka per day. I honestly do not know how she didn't die). I remember trying to do something fun with her instead of being a parent to her and take her to a museum and she was drunk. It was 8am and she smelt like vodka.  At the museum she would go into the bathroom stall to drink out of her flask (i could hear her and I did confront her on our way home from the museum). Anyway, I really suffered mentally, not as much as she did, but last year was difficult. She got a job, started a course and bought a dog for companionship. Although she is good, I am still really concerned as she is not seeing a psychologist and refuses to see one and I am worried she is going back to a dark place. She has been smoking magic mushrooms, weed and drinking alcohol (she tells me like she thinks I will laugh) and even though I tell her its dangerous, I know that wont stop her. Our friends group are no help either as they encourage it and think it's funny(even though they know what went on last year, but they just don't want to deal with it). I know Im young and I should let her be young and have fun, but they didn't go through what I did last year with her, and her touching all of that scares me and makes me feel anxious because I dont want last year to happen again. With everything said, I have come to find this support group, as I have been struggling mentally. I do see a psychologist, but I just feel I need another outlook on this situation with people who understands this. I feel like I have no energy anymore to be friends with her or be there for her mentally, as I feel like I was drained of it last year. When everything happened, my family and my partner were really supportive of me, but now that its been almost a year since this was going on, I feel like I don't know how to talk about it anymore. I feel like I struggle to break friendships, and I don't want to because I still care about her, but I have never felt so confused with my feelings. I don't enjoy seeing her anymore and I still dread it, even messaging her or speaking to her on the phone gives me so much dread and anxiety. With isolation we have done zooms as a whole group of friends and I have seen her on her bed completely out of it, drunk and high and it just impacts me so much. I feel so sad about the whole thing, and I have really struggled to let out my emotions since. But I just want to know what to do, how to feel etc. She messaged me today asking if I was upset with her, and I felt so bad because I don't know how to even say yes, but you can't fix it, and I don't wan't to hurt her by saying that. She cares about me a lot and has always been a good friend who will support me with everything, so I feel so conflicted with what to do. It has been good to not see her through isolation, and I didn't miss her at all which shows me I am done with the friendship, but I still want to support her and be here for when everything turns bad again (if it does). She doesn't deserve me to be distant with no explanation as to why, but I don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her the truth. Anyway, sorry for the long rant, if anyone can help me with this I would appreciate it more than anything, as right now I feel so confused with no one to ask what to do in this situation.

[eeeccc1234]

I dont know where to start or what to say, as I have been feeling like I am struggling to understand my emotions lately even though I know it is okay to feel this way. My friend has BPD. I have known her for 10 years, and I found out about 2 years ago (before her as I went to see a psychologist and she hinted at it to me), my friend has known for 1 year. I used to be extremely close with my friend as we met at the start of High school, and were basically inseparable. Throughout High school I remember she would blow up at me over what seemed like nothing (I now understand why it was this way), but in short, it is fair to say I copped a lot of unfair treatment and I felt like I was a doormat, but accepted it as I never stood up for myself back then. When I say we were inseparable, I mean we would see each other every single day of the week: school 5 days and then Saturdays and Sundays. Straight after we graduated, I got into a relationship and it was extremely rough on me. I would still see her 2-3 days a week, juggling my partner, family, other friends, work, university and it seemed like she was constantly mad at me as she wanted all of my attention. She called my partner horrible things to my face and his, and as I got older I stood up for myself and we would go for weeks without talking at times due to the fights and then would be fine again. I would always feel guilty for not talking to her as she told me I was the only person she trusted, and her only friend (we had a big group of other friends, but she would only see them if I went) and I am not the type of person to end friendships so easily. I was seeing less and less of her: going from 2 times a week, to once. I would dread seeing her and after leaving our catch ups feel a breath of fresh air. I didn't know I felt like this though, I just thought I was overly anxious, so I decided to see a psychologist. After many sessions I realised my friend was the topic of each session and then my psychologist handed me the book 'stop walking on eggshells'. I didn't understand why, but I read it and everything became clear to me. I kept this information to myself as she wasn't diagnosed, and I did not want to tell my friend that she had been the topic of every psychologist session. But last year things took a very dark turn. She started drinking every single night to where she wouldn't remember anything. I cant remember how I figured it out, but last year was rough. She would manipulate me into thinking she wasn't going to do it again and to not telling her parents, but I eventually did when I realised she was lying. I told her parents (I don't know how they didn't realise as she was drinking almost 20 standard drinks every night), she hated me and let me know about it, but still wanted me there. I remember finding out she was going to a music festival, and I decided to talk to her parents about how it wasnt a good idea as I wasnt going to be there to watch out for her (something that wasn't my responsibility, but all of our friends and her parents kind of expected me to). She manipulated them by saying she would be fine and went, and my big group of friends realised what was going on, and I think understood what I usually was trying to deal with (this gave me some support, but honestly they wanted to palm her off to me) the amount of times i've heard them saying '''my name' will deal with her where is she?" is ridiculous and unfair. Anyway after a couple of months and multiple trips via ambulance, she still didn't want help. When she did get it, it wasn't rehab or anything intensive, but psychologist appointments. I would go to her psychologist apps with her and have to do the talking (she would barely say a word and would lie) and it was tough, especially when I found out what she was having daily (up to 5 valium and lots of vodka per day. I honestly do not know how she didn't die). I remember trying to do something fun with her instead of being a parent to her and take her to a museum and she was drunk. It was 8am and she smelt like vodka.  At the museum she would go into the bathroom stall to drink out of her flask (i could hear her and I did confront her on our way home from the museum). Anyway, I really suffered mentally, not as much as she did, but last year was difficult. She got a job, started a course and bought a dog for companionship. Although she is good, I am still really concerned as she is not seeing a psychologist and refuses to see one and I am worried she is going back to a dark place. She has been smoking magic mushrooms, weed and drinking alcohol (she tells me like she thinks I will laugh) and even though I tell her its dangerous, I know that wont stop her. Our friends group are no help either as they encourage it and think it's funny(even though they know what went on last year, but they just don't want to deal with it). I know Im young and I should let her be young and have fun, but they didn't go through what I did last year with her, and her touching all of that scares me and makes me feel anxious because I dont want last year to happen again. With everything said, I have come to find this support group, as I have been struggling mentally. I do see a psychologist, but I just feel I need another outlook on this situation with people who understands this. I feel like I have no energy anymore to be friends with her or be there for her mentally, as I feel like I was drained of it last year. When everything happened, my family and my partner were really supportive of me, but now that its been almost a year since this was going on, I feel like I don't know how to talk about it anymore. I feel like I struggle to break friendships, and I don't want to because I still care about her, but I have never felt so confused with my feelings. I don't enjoy seeing her anymore and I still dread it, even messaging her or speaking to her on the phone gives me so much dread and anxiety. With isolation we have done zooms as a whole group of friends and I have seen her on her bed completely out of it, drunk and high and it just impacts me so much. I feel so sad about the whole thing, and I have really struggled to let out my emotions since. But I just want to know what to do, how to feel etc. She messaged me today asking if I was upset with her, and I felt so bad because I don't know how to even say yes, but you can't fix it, and I don't wan't to hurt her by saying that. She cares about me a lot and has always been a good friend who will support me with everything, so I feel so conflicted with what to do. It has been good to not see her through isolation, and I didn't miss her at all which shows me I am done with the friendship, but I still want to support her and be here for when everything turns bad again (if it does). She doesn't deserve me to be distant with no explanation as to why, but I don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her the truth. Anyway, sorry for the long rant, if anyone can help me with this I would appreciate it more than anything, as right now I feel so confused with no one to ask what to do in this situation.

[Kwamina]

Hi eeeccc1234

Welcome to BPDFamily. The situation with your long-time friend sounds very difficult. It is clear that she has some serious issues, and the alcohol and drugs don't make it any better.

Your post unfortunately seems to have fallen between the cracks.

How are things now? How have you been holding up in the weeks following you making this post?

You mentioned your friend asking you if you were upset with her. Did you have a conversation with her about this?

How is your friend doing now?

Take care and again, welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot