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Author Topic: Cutting the cord  (Read 394 times)
DiscoDave

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 26


« on: May 27, 2020, 03:53:59 PM »

Hi everyone,

Some of you may remember I wrote a post some weeks ago seeking advice after my long-term relationship with my ex-wuBPD https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343894.msg13107339#new

(not sure if they link will work) Anyway, I'm imensely grateful for the help, advice and perspective that was given. Some updates since then;

I've been having psychotherapy, it's good to have someone listen and question my own thoughts and judgements about things. It's been quite a cathartic process and I've learnt that I tend to have unhealthy boundaries, bit of a 'people pleaser', essentially allowed her to walk all over me at times which I did. I harboured a tremendous amount of resentment as life got easier just to give in to demands rather than to stand my ground. I've been learning to say 'no' firmly, stick to my own values and to start setting some boundaries.

In terms of the living situation with my ex, I've decided not to move back in to the flat I am currently on the lease I share with her but instead to get my own place, it would be too awkward / emotionally charged. She wanted to bring new romantic interests over to the flat, which for me was a no-no whilst I'm still financially contributing to it. She has instead offered to pay the full share of rent and bills to allow her, this in her words 'freedom'...(buying her 'freedom from her slave master' was her rather childish way of expressing it). So I've agreed to that, she has her number 1 love interest coming up in June for a few days to stay (despite lockdown). They've been talking online for a few weeks and yet to meet in person. I try not to be judgemental now and let her get on with it since she's paying, though all the direct debit payments for rent and bills still come out my account she is transferring the money to me as the third party to pay those bills.

My question therefore is, I want to sever all ties, at least for now I don't need her in my life I need to walk away. Would it be reasonable to expect now that all bills and rent are handled by her and her alone now since she wants to use the flat we share as her love nest? She said to me today 'I don't want you to resent me for seeking my own happiness and don't screw me over seeking revenge'. I don't really want revenge as I know I love her and care for her still, but at the same time, if she wants full control of our apartment, I want her to take FULL responsibility. Is that vengeful? or reasonable?
I suspect she is going to blow up big time about these 'injustices'.

Some interesting observations from a recent visit to our shared apartment to collect some things;

-She offered to make me dinner and offered me wine on arrival which I thought was nice and civilised, however when we sat down to eat she proceeded to constantly text this guy the whole time which I found rude and off-putting. This then continued for HOURS all evening whilst I sat there awkwardly. I had to mention it the following morning as it irritated me to the point I had trouble sleeping and she blew up saying 'how responsive he was and that I wasn't responsive'. She love-bombed me the same way too at the beginning, though I found the incessant calls and texts annoying after a short-while. This guy must either be quite insecure in someway to happily play that game for days/weeks on end or after an easy lay.

-In the apartment on one of the shelves was all the birthday (from February) and Christmas cards my family had written out for her, all on display. I found this bizarre considering it was months ago and she would go on at great length telling me how much she HATED my family. Can anyone explain that one?

-Also on display are a lot more bottles of alcohol, for someone who would only drink 1 or 2 glasses of wine a month she's getting through a lot more these days. As well as now buying canabis.

-She's changed her look, gone really short on the hair, opened up all her old piercings from when she was a teenager, so she has quite a few ear studs now, is talking of getting another tatoo. First and only was aged 18, she's now 37. It's like she has physically and mentally regressed back into the moody rebellious teenager she told me about.

-She freaked out whilst I was up there saying she had Covid-19 symptoms and pretty much demanded I take her to a drive-thru testing centre some 25miles away so she could get tested, which I did. The whole journey she spent texting her new guy, I dropped her back home without much of a thank you and continued on my 150 mile journey back to where I'm temporarily living.

Thanks for letting me get some of that off my chest.
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« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2020, 01:53:51 AM »

hey DD!

it sounds like youre doing "the right stuff". how are you holding up?

My question therefore is, I want to sever all ties, at least for now I don't need her in my life I need to walk away. Would it be reasonable to expect now that all bills and rent are handled by her and her alone now since she wants to use the flat we share as her love nest?
...
if she wants full control of our apartment, I want her to take FULL responsibility. Is that vengeful? or reasonable?
I suspect she is going to blow up big time about these 'injustices'.

tough question.

reasonable? sure. vengeful? possibly.

is she going to blow up? possibly.

you dont want to walk on eggshells. at the same time, youre trying to detach, and this is for a finite period.

so lets say you do it, and she blows up. how might it affect your detaching process? was you paying for some of the bills part of any agreement?
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juju2
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« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2020, 04:25:54 AM »

Hi DD

Bravo to you.

You went thru a trial and made it thru all the spaces...
All of what you saw, experienced with her that one -two days is ego rattling.  I have seen the same types of things.

Believe it or not, you were being tested.
Subtle and not so subtle signs, direct and indirect...you made it through each mind game!
I think the love interest is a big disappointment on her part.
She put on the show for you...

I would just hang back, and wait and watch...  You passed all the tests.
Be strong.  Keep your messages short and concise.

I had to start writing a journal of every encounter.
He would wear a t shirt I gave him from 9 years ago...jewelry from when we first met...stuff like that...at our meet ups.
She has not forgotten about you.
She is going thru something.

I just have to be strong and pass the tests.
And live my life.

He is in this Disneyland existence and I am waiting outside the park to take him home when he is done.
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juju2
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« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2020, 05:17:51 AM »

Just remember Dave.  You are the leader.

You are stable.  You have the executive function.  You have to be the memories holder. 

You can do this.  How do I know.

You did this for 7 years.
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DiscoDave

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Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 26


« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2020, 04:02:02 PM »

Thanks for the contributions guys, much appreciated!

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) once removed: If she does blow up, I guess it would make me feel bad, guilty even which I know I shouldn't, I should now be taking care of my own feelings. I don't really want her to 'hate' me anymore than she already says she does.

I'm no longer due contributions to any more of the bills. It took some negotiation but in the end I think she realised I wasn't budging on my principals here; in that if she wants to invite new love interests to stay over for sex I am not contributing a penny towards that. She did try to test me after saying 'You wouldn't even contribute 100 so I can buy some food at least?' This pleading of poverty is a nonsense anyway she's got over 30K in savings. I stuck to my guns as my T suggests, 'Full control of the apartment, full responsibility'. As I say, it's just frustrating that all the bills come through my account, I want to see if I can change that as I no longer want that link to her. It also relies on me having full trust that she does indeed pay me and hope that things don't blow up to the point she then chooses not to pay me.

@juju, thanks again for your thoughts / words. It's interesting that you see these things as a 'test' I kinda felt it was just her acting her true self, disappointing as it was. The behaviour is incredible really, such double standards because if I had acted that way she would have blown up big-time! She really doesn't seem to see the issue, but like I say she certainly would have picked up on it if the behaviour came from me.

Excerpt
He is in this Disneyland existence and I am waiting outside the park to take him home when he is done.

Haha! I absolutely love that quote. It is remarkable how people with BPD/traits do behave like Kidults. It beggars belief that she is not far off 40 but has the emotional maturity level of a stroppy teenager.
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juju2
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« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2020, 03:54:12 PM »

Hi DD

I think the lesson I am learning is he is trying to re-create the chaos of his formative years.  As an adult.  And so there is an amount of discord and drama to equal that safety net feeling of the discord, drama, growing up with two alcoholic parents creating daily chaos and wreckage.  That became his normal.  He got used to that, as kids do. 

Fast forward 50 years, he is still caught in some semblance of creating that comforting horrible-ness.  To a much lesser degree these days.  And it is still alive and well.  For me the disease is an alive beast that trolls looking for contempt and drama.

I am just trying thru my program to live a fulfilling, Happy life, keeping the focus on me.  I cannot change anyone else.

It's amazing how much i pray now, for His will, for people, and myself, and how much is revealed to me, to help me on my path.  It's comfort.  Peacefulness. 
It is comfort that is available to everyone from God, the God of my own understanding.  This has made the difference for me, gratefully.  Thankfully.
Today.  Just for today.
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DiscoDave

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Relationship status: Broken up
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« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2020, 05:16:52 PM »

This detaching phase is tough, feels like a two steps forward, 1 step back approach. Today definitely felt like a big step backwards, Today would have been our 7th year anniversary. I reached out to essentially say whilst the day had lost its significance I was thankful for having met her and having her as big part of my life. She responded saying that she too was thinking about the significance, threw in some platitudes. Said 'I'm sorry I concluded we weren't a good match', 'We argued too much' (You think!) She ended by saying;

'I hope we can make an effort to be mindful of each others feelings and remain on good terms' That stung a bit, I hardly ever recall her being 'mindful' of my feelings. My feelings were only ever really considered if I managed to get through the interrogation as to why they mattered and then it felt like they were being considered begrudgingly. I agree with her sentiment but I just fear it will be largely one-way traffic, the benefits of considering each others feelings will really serve to meet her own ends rather than any genuine feelings I hold.

It's been weeks now, I wish I could just snap out of this as the rather glib responses I seem to get from emotionally cold and stunted family members is 'oh just move on!'. I've never experienced a break-up quite like it, it's like an endless hangover after the most intoxicating cocktail of emotions.
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« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2020, 11:19:03 PM »

if the two of you are talking about the relationship, almost anything said is going to sting right now.

you each were, and are, on different pages. and each of your perspectives, each of your sets of feelings, are likely to feel invalidating to the other.
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BDR

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« Reply #8 on: July 05, 2020, 03:16:35 PM »

It seems to me that you are searching for something or not really cutting cord hoping for a glimpse of yesterday . What do you want from her? What would make everything better? In that thinking she is still in control . I know personally  I have and probably haven't completely climbed out of that hole yet.
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DiscoDave

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Relationship status: Broken up
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« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2020, 12:28:22 PM »

Hi BDR, thanks for your questions.

Sure I was (occasionally still do) pine for the better yesterdays. I've been no contact for about 1 month now, deleted her from social media, whatsapp etc. The only line of communication left open is email, which she uses from time to time mainly to sort out logistical things for a flat that we still technically rent together, although I have moved out to temporary accommodation.

Yes my heart still lingers for her, wants to reach out (though I've been pretty good at not doing this) but my head says no, let it go, it's bad news. Other peoples stories of similar situations help to reinforce the logic in that cutting the losses and moving on with my life is the best way forward.

I'm getting there slowly but surely I think, therapy helps. The difficulty comes when I could be at my desk working and suddenly memories of happier times come flooding back and hit me like a freight train. I am also considering leaving the city that we both moved to in order to build a life for 'us' and head back to my roots instead, that in itself is a painful reminder of the failure.
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BDR

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« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2020, 10:35:35 PM »

hey Dave I think you just hit the nail on the head - I stayed in way to long because I told myself I was doing the right thing - but I discovered it was really fear of Failure . fear of raising my daughter alone , Marriage was supposed to be 1 time and forever. This was her 3rd .I think the  first 2 lasted 6 months at best each she has a 5 tr old son when we met . Today he loves me and told me I was a better Father to him than his real dad. Somehow I stuck out 20 years through addictions and her emotional abandonment , She was never there in my times of greatest need or challenge.
In reality I learned to love and met Jesus along the Journey -for me that is a win!
Tell me some victories you can pull out of that season.
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