Hypocrisy and Inconsistency

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Within months I heard the following:

1) I don't want to touch anyone else, it disgusts me.

It's okay if we sleep with other people while on a break, we just won't tell each other.

2) I don't want anyone else but you, ever.

I don't think you're the man for me.

3) I would never cheat. I know it.

*Cheats a month later.

4) You were everything I wanted and needed. Don't think otherwise.

You just weren't there for me the way I wanted you to be.

5) You should have come out with me, because we are a couple and should do things today.

I am spending Boxing Day with my friend.

6) They (men she was hanging with) don't want to have sex with me, Jesus.

*Had cheated with one of them ten minutes earlier.

7) I just want to focus on work and getting better. I can't be in a relationship right now and have no idea how long I'll need.

In a relationship three weeks later.

8) My therapist said for me to get into a sleep routine and eat healthy. So I'm going to do that.

I have been drinking and smoking pot. I just need to be reckless to get myself out of my head.

9) Most days all I think about is you and coming back to you, and other days I feel nothing (so I can't come back).

^^ just odd, overall.

10) I want to grow and learn together. We can get through anything.

Runs away.

They really are crazy makers.

[grumpydonut]

Within months I heard the following:

1) I don't want to touch anyone else, it disgusts me.

It's okay if we sleep with other people while on a break, we just won't tell each other.

2) I don't want anyone else but you, ever.

I don't think you're the man for me.

3) I would never cheat. I know it.

*Cheats a month later.

4) You were everything I wanted and needed. Don't think otherwise.

You just weren't there for me the way I wanted you to be.

5) You should have come out with me, because we are a couple and should do things today.

I am spending Boxing Day with my friend.

6) They (men she was hanging with) don't want to have sex with me, Jesus.

*Had cheated with one of them ten minutes earlier.

7) I just want to focus on work and getting better. I can't be in a relationship right now and have no idea how long I'll need.

In a relationship three weeks later.

8) My therapist said for me to get into a sleep routine and eat healthy. So I'm going to do that.

I have been drinking and smoking pot. I just need to be reckless to get myself out of my head.

9) Most days all I think about is you and coming back to you, and other days I feel nothing (so I can't come back).

^^ just odd, overall.

10) I want to grow and learn together. We can get through anything.

Runs away.

They really are crazy makers.

[JNChell]

It’s a real roller coaster, isn’t it? My Son’s mother is the biggest hypocrite I’ve ever met. I mean, it’s astounding. Almost unbelievable at times.

Try not to take it personally. I wish that I could practice what I preach better. 

Your ex sounds unstable. Is it fair to say that her behaviors greatly upset your life? She doesn’t take responsibility for her actions and constantly blames others for her behavior?

I have a 5 year old son that does that. His mom sounds a lot like the person you’re describing.

So what happened between the two of you? The outline that you gave was helpful, but what really happened? How’d you meet? How did the relationship blossom and then break down? I’m sorry for your pain.

[grumpydonut]

She does blame others but not in ways I had ever seen before. When she cheated on me, I said "I never wanted you to go out with those guys" and she replied "you should have told me". Her reaction to the guy who she slept with was anger because "he didn't have to take advantage of me when I was confused and he did". She got so angry that she found his address and wanted to do something that would harm him. 9 months later she's dating him.

We met while I was playing sport semi-professionally in England. However, it wasn't until a year later that we hooked up. We agreed to have a friend's with benefits relationship that was exclusive. I organised the because, among other things, I was happily single for the first time in my life. I had yearned for a GF for a long time, but by this point in my life I just wanted fun. I was the most confident I had ever been (I had 'overcome' OCD that had plagued me since I was 16).

In terms of how it went, I outlined in a previous post called "Crazy BPD"

[JNChell]

I see what you mean in how she blames and doesn’t take responsibility. It’s almost creative. Not in a good way, but you get it. It kind of sounds like she blames you for her cheating. Man, don’t let this stuff twist up your head.

Your ex wanted to harm that guy. Now she’s in a relationship with him. There’s a popular book out there. “I Hate You-Don’t Leave Me”. It just seems to fit here.

You’re having bad feelings about everything. I’m sorry for that and I understand how you’re feeling. The thing is, you’re going to be okay.

I was happily single for the first time in my life. I had yearned for a GF for a long time, but by this point in my life I just wanted fun. I was the most confident I had ever been (I had 'overcome' OCD that had plagued me since I was 16).

This really hit home with me. I had put work into myself. A lot of repair. Nature calls and people go looking. It’s part of being human. There are so many variables involved with being human in that way. I bet, between the two of us, we could come up with 100 accountable variables that go into that in today’s society. Let’s save that for another day, though. 

Were you open with her about your OCD? Do you feel like she may have played on that a bit? No shame in it. I’m diagnosed with PTSD. My Son’s mom runs with it every chance she gets.

What sport? I played American Football. Semi-Pro? You have skills.

[grumpydonut]

I think she honestly felt the victim. Only at the end of the relationship did she fully blame me for everything!

No, I haven't ever gone in depth with anyone about my OCD. I know what causes it - a childhood event - but nothing seems to see it completely annihilated.

That's awesome re. American Football. Go the Seahawks ;)

And yes, I was handy, haha. But I am injured now and can't play, unfortunately.

I remember when I first started dating her that I said "this is the first time life has been near perfect for me" or something like that. I had a great job, my own place, a girl I loved. It was ideal. And now it has all come crashing down, haha.

[JNChell]

As a heterosexual male, yearning for the love of a woman is a very big deal. Man, I know what you mean by having that moment when you feel  like everything is aligned. Now all you have to do is to continue to be the  “hunter/gatherer” and everything will just work out. That cold glass of water and sigh of relief that everything is good.

I love to fish and haven’t been for a long time. After my Son’s mom became pregnant with him, I bought a lot of things, including a house situated on a piece of property with a beautiful pond with the best fishing that a person could ask for by simply walking out into my yard. I’m not going to go into detail here. This is your thread. You’re going to be okay. Breakups hurt regardless of BPD or things like that. It’s the end of something that we genuinely invested ourselves in. Unfortunately, when it comes to BPD, the end of the relationship can feel very traumatic. Do you think you feel a bit traumatized by what you’ve been through?

I’d also like to encourage you to open up to someone about that childhood event. A therapist, close friend maybe? This place is anonymous. I’ve dropped a lot on this community and have always been met with warmth and understanding. This place has helped me to accept that there is no shame in having feelings for things that have happened to me. I’m glad you’re here.

[grumpydonut]

Yes, I plan to see a therapist regarding the childhood event. I would love to be OCD free one day.

And yes, I feel severely traumatised. I can't believe that someone could treat someone this way and also that I could allow myself to continue to be emotionally abused by her.

It's all a bit much.

[JNChell]

It’s a lot to accept and take in. Emotional abuse is an animal that most people don’t understand. The bruises are invisible. No one can see. On top of that, it’s like no one can hear either. We’re here for you and hope that you will stay with us. We help each other here by sharing our stories. We’re all in different places with our situations. Seeing a therapist is a very good idea. For your OCD and your trauma. I imagine that the trauma along with your OCD has to be pretty uncomfortable. Are you okay?

[grumpydonut]

Yeah, I'm fine. OCD has been in my life for 15 years. I was basically free for 2 years. I know it's highly linked to self esteem (not sure why) and when I was emotionally abused and discarded, it came back hardcore.

And thank you. I appreciate your time and generous responses. This has been great.

[grumpydonut]

For any who may read, is true love even possible? My whole life has been like this. Women into me, then slowly I see them drift away and turn out to be completely different people. This one was different due to her disorder, but even my first love strung me along and immediately jumped to a new partner within a week of last sleeping with me.

Is this just how it is...?

[erick1991]

Within months I heard the following:

1) I don't want to touch anyone else, it disgusts me.

It's okay if we sleep with other people while on a break, we just won't tell each other.

2) I don't want anyone else but you, ever.

I don't think you're the man for me.

3) I would never cheat. I know it.

*Cheats a month later.

4) You were everything I wanted and needed. Don't think otherwise.

You just weren't there for me the way I wanted you to be.

5) You should have come out with me, because we are a couple and should do things today.

I am spending Boxing Day with my friend.

6) They (men she was hanging with) don't want to have sex with me, Jesus.

*Had cheated with one of them ten minutes earlier.

7) I just want to focus on work and getting better. I can't be in a relationship right now and have no idea how long I'll need.

In a relationship three weeks later.

8) My therapist said for me to get into a sleep routine and eat healthy. So I'm going to do that.

I have been drinking and smoking pot. I just need to be reckless to get myself out of my head.

9) Most days all I think about is you and coming back to you, and other days I feel nothing (so I can't come back).

^^ just odd, overall.

10) I want to grow and learn together. We can get through anything.

Runs away.

They really are crazy makers.

6) They (men she was hanging with) don't want to have sex with me, Jesus.

*Had cheated with one of them ten minutes earlier.

7) I just want to focus on work and getting better. I can't be in a relationship right now and have no idea how long I'll need.

In a relationship three weeks later.

Haha, these two are like straight out of some BPD playbook or something. Mine told me, literally identical things, and did the literal same and opposite things.

Catch them texting a guy who was clearly interested in them sexually? Mine reacted with everything from anger at me, denial of what the guys motives were, telling me well maybe I'm just stupid then, I'm not sexually attracted to him (while actually critiquing him), saying things like "its such bullPLEASE READ girls and guys can't be friends" and ultimately telling me "you objecting to this just makes me want to do it more." Everything except understanding how that'd make me feel, especially directly after her confessing she'd cheated "years before." Just a complete lack of ability to take accountability for how inappropriate entertaining and continuing that kind of communication is in a longterm relationship.

I got the same second line about not "being in a place to be in a relationship" as the excuse for why she was ending our 9 year relationship after running off for 5 weeks, unable to communicate at all about what was going on. What appears evident now was she spent that time period starting a relationship with the same above guy.

Since, I've been accused of doing things she actually did and had zero accountability from her, in fact the opposite, I've been blamed for "not validating her and as a result she liked attention from other guys."

The cognitive dissonance is insane though. It's like my brain barely registers the above, and just thinks about the good times, resulting in me being depressed and missing her and thinking "how can we fix it." What a terrible situation we all find ourselves in... I'm about 3 mo's out and its very up and down. Wish I had better advice.

[grumpydonut]

Yep, basically the same thing.

After she admitted she cheated, she told me that in the week before she was texting him sexual things and Snapchatting him (while laying next to me on the couch). She said that he then asked for naked ones and she said no. She said that she didn't think he wanted to have sex with her because "my self esteem is so low I don't think anyone wants to have sex with me". Turns out, the weekend before she pinned her against a wall and tried to kiss her. He sent sexual messages mid week...but yeah, she didn't know...

I will never be sure, but I think everything I was told about her motives / thoughts was what she said because she thought it would lead to sympathy and I wouldn't abandon her.

Truth is, I think she had a lot of internal anger over me not 100% fulfilling her every need and wish, and was using this to justify what she was doing at the time. But she would never tell me that, otherwise I would have left her. I see snippets of proof for this (aka telling me that during that period when I didn't do things for her the way she wanted, she would punish me by not doing them for me).

It's all too confusing. I'm sorry to hear yours was a 9-year relationship. That really sucks.

[JNChell]

Don’t beat yourself up. When you find the relationship that lasts, you’ll know. I’m starting think that true love is something that is mutually built, not found. We hear many stories about where people meet, instantly click and they spend the rest of their lives together. It happens. I don’t have sources or stats, but I imagine that most “true love” stories were built together with that special someone. As the work is put in, the bond strengthens. Tools, patience, values, virtues and knowing what you really want coincide with that.

I know it’s a head trip to try to decipher what you’ve been through. You love/ed her. Maybe it will help you sort things out a tad bit more if you compare that relationship with the things that are listed above. Be creative with it. Maybe list out how you feel about yourself in terms of the tools, values and all of that. Then list out ways of how she did or didn’t fit into what is important to you.

[erick1991]

Yep, basically the same thing.

After she admitted she cheated, she told me that in the week before she was texting him sexual things and Snapchatting him (while laying next to me on the couch). She said that he then asked for naked ones and she said no. She said that she didn't think he wanted to have sex with her because "my self esteem is so low I don't think anyone wants to have sex with me". Turns out, the weekend before she pinned her against a wall and tried to kiss her. He sent sexual messages mid week...but yeah, she didn't know...

I will never be sure, but I think everything I was told about her motives / thoughts was what she said because she thought it would lead to sympathy and I wouldn't abandon her.

Truth is, I think she had a lot of internal anger over me not 100% fulfilling her every need and wish, and was using this to justify what she was doing at the time. But she would never tell me that, otherwise I would have left her. I see snippets of proof for this (aka telling me that during that period when I didn't do things for her the way she wanted, she would punish me by not doing them for me).

It's all too confusing. I'm sorry to hear yours was a 9-year relationship. That really sucks.

Sounds super similar, mine made likely a partial confession, I now believe she'd cheated the night before I found these texts in addition to years ago and probably times in between. Our sex life had gotten, as one would assume was normal over that long (?), less frequent - and many, many conversations I'd had with her about it went nowhere - "sex just isn't as important to me"

She told me at the end she felt like sex w/ me was just always the same and she wanted to change it up, so I'm just like what? She couldn't have told me that at any point in time over the 9 year relationship? as opposed to cheating? I think you're right, in those moments where they could have told us what they needed, they were scared telling us would lead to abandonment.

How oxymoronic, they respond by doing the one thing that has a high likelihood of leading to abandonment... I still don't know the why. I started a company very young (2 years into the relationship - the company that provided her and I with our lifestyle) travelled a lot for my business (and lots and lots of Vegas trips ) and she was always, externally, supportive of that. "you know I don't care what you do!" I wonder if thats where the resentments started and she felt, at the time, she couldn't tell me how it made her feel because she thought it'd lead to abandonment... What a mind F***.

And then at least in my case, I'm left trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my self esteem, self worth and value while she's seemingly moved onto a shiny new toy without a care in the world about me. When I can type it out, and recap the above and the likelihood that she'd actually cheated on me the night before and then just lied to my face, a part of me doesn't want her back. I know tomorrow, or later tonight though it'll be right back to remembering the littlest moments on one of our trips to the Bahamas or Hawaii or Europe and F me I'll miss that version of her so much I'll compose some draft email about trying to fix it.. You're right, it's too confusing.

[once removed]

Is this just how it is...?

yes and no.

what you describe is kinda the story of my life, too. women are super into me. seemingly, suddenly, they are not. in every romantic relationship ive been in, i was either cheated on, or overlapped (there was someone else and they became official shortly after). and id always be shocked. "she said i was the one!". "she wanted to have kids with me!". "she said she thought i was the best boyfriend she ever had!". that kinda thing.

i remember when i came here, after my relationship ended, and quite frankly it just scared the hell out of me. it seemed like trusting was a dangerous and terrifying prospect. i mean, it was never even a question with my ex. for most of my relationship, it felt like she was more into me than i was her. so not only was the prospect of trusting someone else scary, it was even more scary that i felt i couldnt trust myself.

ive learned a lot about how relationships evolve, break down, devolve, since i came here. one of the things that was kind of a painful lesson for me is that when a relationship is breaking down, when a couple is near a breakup, both parties are on very different pages, and dont have a very good idea of what the other is experiencing. the last time i saw my ex, one of the last things she told me was that she was falling in love with me all over again. it felt, to me, like we were at our best. i know now, that while she had some second thoughts, some flashes of how good our relationship could be, she had mostly grieved it, and started to move on, which was a very, very different place than i was in, but told me that yeah, things are better, and looking up for us.

its a long story  . its hard man, ive been there. but through my recovery, i actually read romantic partners, and frankly, the relationship itself and how its going, a lot better, and im more confident about romance than i ever was.

[grumpydonut]

I think you're right, in those moments where they could have told us what they needed, they were scared telling us would lead to abandonment.
 

100% this. They know they are unreasonable, and that some of the things they demand - if they told you - would see you leave them, so they hide it. At the end of the relationship mine kept telling me that she can't tell me things because she is fearful of how I'd react.  How I interpret this is "if I tell you I'm fearful that you'll abandon me, but I still blame you for not being able to tell you".

she had mostly grieved it, and started to move on, which was a very, very different place than i was in, but told me that yeah, things are better, and looking up for us.

This is the problem with BPD. They move on, but they don't tell you until they're absolutely ready (aka have a replacement). They push / pull to make sure they aren't abandoned, even know they're fully away they are planning to abandon you. If I did what my ex did you me, I can guarantee she would have killed herself, but she can do it without any empathy or even care. Insane.

[erick1991]

100% this. They know they are unreasonable, and that some of the things they demand - if they told you - would see you leave them, so they hide it. At the end of the relationship mine kept telling me that she can't tell me things because she is fearful of how I'd react.  How I interpret this is "if I tell you I'm fearful that you'll abandon me, but I still blame you for not being able to tell you".


This is the problem with BPD. They move on, but they don't tell you until they're absolutely ready (aka have a replacement). They push / pull to make sure they aren't abandoned, even know they're fully away they are planning to abandon you. If I did what my ex did you me, I can guarantee she would have killed herself, but she can do it without any empathy or even care. Insane.

100% this. They know they are unreasonable, and that some of the things they demand - if they told you - would see you leave them, so they hide it. At the end of the relationship mine kept telling me that she can't tell me things because she is fearful of how I'd react.  How I interpret this is "if I tell you I'm fearful that you'll abandon me, but I still blame you for not being able to tell you".

Same. She'd tell me she felt like she couldn't tell me things (lots of very ironic honesty in a lot of their statements - probably felt like she couldn't tell me she'd (likely) been serially cheating on me on and off for years) and couldn't "do things for herself." Could never quantify what she couldn't "do for herself." That black and white thinking.

I'm feeling better today, it does help a lot hearing other people who've had identical experiences to mine. In the one couples therapy we made it to, , after the cheating the woman told us that in a longterm relationship, once the honeymoon phase wears off, it's a series of choices by each partner that will make the relationship work. I don't believe a BPD is capable of that? It was easy for me, I just loved her.

[Thebiglimp]

Within months I heard the following:

1) I don't want to touch anyone else, it disgusts me.

It's okay if we sleep with other people while on a break, we just won't tell each other.

2) I don't want anyone else but you, ever.

I don't think you're the man for me.

3) I would never cheat. I know it.

*Cheats a month later.

4) You were everything I wanted and needed. Don't think otherwise.

You just weren't there for me the way I wanted you to be.

5) You should have come out with me, because we are a couple and should do things today.

I am spending Boxing Day with my friend.

6) They (men she was hanging with) don't want to have sex with me, Jesus.

*Had cheated with one of them ten minutes earlier.

7) I just want to focus on work and getting better. I can't be in a relationship right now and have no idea how long I'll need.

In a relationship three weeks later.

8) My therapist said for me to get into a sleep routine and eat healthy. So I'm going to do that.

I have been drinking and smoking pot. I just need to be reckless to get myself out of my head.

9) Most days all I think about is you and coming back to you, and other days I feel nothing (so I can't come back).

^^ just odd, overall.

10) I want to grow and learn together. We can get through anything.

Runs away.

They really are crazy makers.

Thanks man i had a good laugh.

Mine was i love you so much my heart aches. (Dumps me the next day)

[Thebiglimp]

Heres another one-

Im cheating and thats ok because you dont trust me because you suspect that im cheating.