new to this and want to feel like i'm not crazy

[slick707]

I guess I can just start and say my mother is not formally diagnosed but over the years several therapists have suggested my mother has borderline personality traits and my father (now passed) had Narcissistic traits compounded by substance abuse. As I now start my first job and have moved out, I feel like I still can't cut the cord with my mom. I see my friends have loving and supportive relationships with their moms, and I want that; to actually feel like I can share things with her without it evolving into either a "life lesson", "I told you so" moment, or be twisted later on in future conversations. My boundaries are not respected by most means, and I know the only thing that can change is me. I'm reaching out here to see what has worked for others, what is realistic, and how to really heal from the core abandonment issues I have. Thanks for taking the time to read and possibly respond.

[Harri]

Hi

Those are some pretty big questions you ask with no easy answers except to say that we are doing what you want to do:  healing from our core hurts.  We support each other as we navigate a way to get to a better place.  

At the risk of taking the easy way to answer your post, I want to direct you to the Survivor's Guide tacked to the top of the board.  If you click on each item, it expands.  The guide is a good tool to use to help you see where you are at and to look at some of the areas you may want to explore as you work on healing.

I found it hard when I moved out (I was in my mid thirties though) to function as an individual with my own space, like and dislikes and the ability to make choices without having someone trying to rule me.  It took a while to adjust, but I did.  I had to start with learning how to pick out my own dish patterns (I went with clear glass- haha, so much simpler) and stuff like that before I could really tackle the harder stuff... or so it seemed.  Learning to to the 'smaller' things helped me build up to doing the bigger work.  I am not sure where you are in the process though so I hope you share more with us.

 

[Choosinghope]

Hi slick707! 

Welcome to this forum! I'm so glad that you have found us. I will tell you very sincerely that no, you are not crazy. I know that you are not crazy, because I had felt the same way most of my life before finally hitting a wall with my mom and needing to find answers. Thankfully, I found a wonderful T and this forum, both of which I encourage you to take advantage of if possible.

As I now start my first job and have moved out, I feel like I still can't cut the cord with my mom

For context,  I am 27. I am a thriving professional, happily married, and generally doing well in my life. For all the seemingly good and strong aspects about my life, I spent years wondering why I just couldn't seem to separate from my mom. I knew from when I was about 19 that there was something wrong with our relationship, and I just got angrier and angrier over the years with myself because I assumed that I was the problem. I even moved across the world to South Korea, and remember thinking that this was the now or never time to finally separate. Even that didn't do it. It took until my mom started attacking my H for me to stand my ground and finally see a T. That's when I learned about BPD, and I have done in the last 8 months what I was unable to do in 8 years of adulthood--I have finally learned how to separate from my mom. It totally is possible!

I see my friends have loving and supportive relationships with their moms, and I want that; to actually feel like I can share things with her without it evolving into either a "life lesson", "I told you so" moment, or be twisted later on in future conversations.

To be fair, I used to have a great relationship with my mom. It's only been the last 10 or so years that her "peculiarities" have turned into something more alarming. I grew up telling my mom EVERYTHING and not really having any walls there. She complained to all her relatives and friends that her daughters were so secretive and wouldn't tell her anything, and then she would compare us (me and my sisters) to my cousins or her friends' children, who apparently didn't have secrets. I guess from pressure, I learned to be open with her. In adulthood, I kept that up and would talk to my mom every.single.day. Now that I have separated from her, I do miss that closeness and always having mom to turn to. But then I remember how much anxiety I had about what I said, how I said it, how much I had to lie or shift around facts to keep her calm. I don't miss hanging up and wondering what I've said wrong today, or today would be the day that she has decided that I'm the black child (even before I knew that term!). I don't miss her taking my words out of context, twisting them, and throwing them back in my face to fit her narrative. In general, I do miss what is familiar, but I am realizing that I can get the nurturing and care that I need from a mother-figure from other people in my life who are safer.

My boundaries are not respected by most means, and I know the only thing that can change is me.

You are completely right here. I spent years trying to change my mom, to help her become better. I thought if I just pushed and encouraged her enough she could lose weight, make friends, get a job, etc. Turns out, that was a terrible thing to do and she really resents me for it. Understanding that the only thing that I can control or change is me has been incredibly freeing. I've kind of turned that into a mantra that has helped to really internalize that truth. I suggest doing some reading and work on boundaries. It can take some time to really get your head around what they should look like in your life and how to realistically enforce them. This would be where a good T could really help.

I'm reaching out here to see what has worked for others, what is realistic

Like Harri said, this is pretty complex, and there are about as many answers as there are people on here because everyone's situation is unique. Could you give us some more information on what you are currently struggling with or working on?

[slick707]

Hi Choosinghope and Harri,

Thank you so much for the kind words.

A little bit more about me: I'm 26, unmarried, and about to start my career as a physician. I fear my lack of boundaries will only worsen my personal stress and spill over into not being able to care for patients properly; that I will only be plagued by this feeling of "never being good enough". My mother is the full time caregiver of my grandmother who realistically needs to be on hospice. Once my grandmother passes, I feel my mother will absolutely crumble and rely on me to fulfill her life in every aspect, moreso than she all ready does. I need to understand and begin to process now, while I have time and energy, to set myself up for success and thriving.

[slick707]

"I had to start with learning how to pick out my own dish patterns (I went with clear glass- haha, so much simpler)".

This was great to see because I had a moment of complete awe and anxiety about WHERE to place my glasses in my new place.

On a serious note, I will definitely check out the survivors's guide tab. The lessons articles and resources are something I hope to dedicate time to. I'm also currently working on the family guide to BPD/ stop walking on eggshells. I am fairly new in processing this because for the first time I've realized I can't say how I feel logically to my mother and have change in action/have her truly hear me (and being scientifically minded, this absolutely baffles me--if I say something and explain it, why isn't it understood?). However, the biggest issue I have is maintaining boundaries. "I will call at X pm", having a sufficiently acceptable "excuse" as to why I don't immediately respond or why I don't want to come home. So, if you have any phrases you like, or resources that helped, I would greatly appreciate it! :D

[slick707]

Hi Choosinghope,

Your post very very very much resonated with me. Especially in regards to trying to better your mother and calling her every. single. day. As I mentioned above, I'm pretty new to all of this and really need help about maintaining boundaries. I tend to repeat the same line or reinforce a boundary ("no I will not come home", "sorry I missed your call, i will call back at X") but when she escalates, I cave because she is my mother, I feel guilty about being an uncaring daughter, and ultimately she is "just trying to have a relationship". I get anxious trying to plan out activities that make me happy and when to communicate with/call her. Is there any line you like, or how you have coped with not engaging in emotionally escalating behaviors? Any other mantras you have about dissipating guilt or maybe a eureka moment in your healing? I truly appreciate your care and openness, as I feel less alone and less "crazy" !

[Choosinghope]

Since beginning this learning journey, I have ended up NC with my mom, so I don't know if I am the best person to help you with boundary enforcement. However, as I don't intend to stay NC forever, I have done a lot of work on my own boundaries and understanding how they should look in my life. I'll share a couple things that have been really helpful for me.
 
1) I was always a bit fuzzy on boundaries. They made sense to me in theory, but I didn't understand how I could make someone do something. Turns out, you can't. My biggest breakthrough with boundaries is that my boundaries dictate how I will act, not how someone else acts. I could tell my mom that I didn't want her prying into my spiritual life, but then she did, I got mad but ultimately let her, I got more angry, and the cycle continued. So you start from what values are really important to you, and then you set boundaries to protect those values.
Ex: Value = My husband and future children are my first priority and deserve protection.
Boundary = I will not accept, agree with, or tolerate accusations or negative words against my husband.
Enforcing boundary = I will gently end a conversation when this happens, not respond to a message when this happens, or take time away from the person when this happens.
Me stepping away isn't making the other person do what I want, but it is showing the cause and effect. If someone (e.g. my mom) decides to do something that violates my boundary, then I will do what I need to do to preserve my value. Something my T told me many times that helped is that boundaries need consistency and practice. In this area, it's completely ok to sound like a broken record. Consistency is key here.

2) The biggest thing I have struggled with in regards to my mom has been the guilt. The fear and obligation were definitely present, but she knows exactly what to say to play on my guilt. Since everything blew up with her, she has not really held any punches. I have felt like the lowest, most terrible person from listening to her, and she has really made me question my morals, my value, and even my deserving to live at times. Her most powerful weapon is, "If you were really a Christian, then you would treat me better." And then comes the guilt.
My eureka moment that helped me move on a bit? I told her I loved her on Mother's Day, and she sent back one of her most spiteful messages yet. That's when it clicked that it's not about me. This was never about me. All of the years being anxious about making her mad, it was never about me. How she reacts has absolutely no bearing on my value or who I am. Who I am has to be grounded on ME, not on HER. That was a big moment for me and that is what it took for me to finally separate. It is sad and I am grieving the relationship still, but there is a beautiful peace in being able to completely cut away from holding the emotional responsibility for someone else and being able to stand confidently in who you are.

3) Have you ever heard of radical acceptance? That was a new concept for me when I started therapy, and it has been powerful. In short, it is the ability to look at the situation (your mom, your anxiety, etc.) and accept that it is--not wishing it were different, not trying to excuse it, not angry, not sad--just acceptance. Feel the emotions, accept that they are there, and then you move on. A big part of why I and so many others struggle so much with our pwBPD is the continuous effort/fight it takes to stay in the relationship and assume responsibility for the problems. There is the underlying urge to try to fix it, make the person feel better, etc. However, if you can simply accept the situation, regardless of how seemingly unacceptable, it is a huge first step in being able to step back, focus on yourself, and then hopefully reduce your emotional load in the future. I don't know if that made sense at all. It might help to look up that term and do some reading on your own. But honestly, the first step really is acceptance. And from experience, it is the hardest step so far, but worth it.

I still have so far to go in my healing journey, and like I said, I am NC at the moment. These are just some big things that have helped me over the last 8 months. I know that this is hard, but I also know that healing is possible. I encourage you to keep reading, learning, engaging with this community, and taking care of yourself. You are stronger than you think 

[Choosinghope]

I realized I forgot my favorite part!  The mantra that has helped me the most with my mom has been, "Just because you're mad/sad doesn't mean that I'm bad." Hope it helps!

[Panda39]

Hey Slick,

I thought one of our tools SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) might help you.  Using SET is about acknowledging the feelings of the BPD person in our lives but still telling our truth.  So much of BPD is the inability of the person with it to control their emotions.

Next time your mom asks when you are coming home try SET.  It's not about validating behaviors but it is about validating her feelings. 

You could respond with something like...I want to be there for you mom, it sounds like you're feeling lonely, but unfortunately tonight I have to work.

You're still telling her that you won't be home but you are also validating her feelings so she feels heard.

More on SET... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Hope this helps,
Panda39

[slick707]

I realized I forgot my favorite part!  The mantra that has helped me the most with my mom has been, "Just because you're mad/sad doesn't mean that I'm bad." Hope it helps!

I love it [the mantra] and your openness. Thank you so much for the validation and virtual hug

[slick707]

Next time your mom asks when you are coming home try SET.  It's not about validating behaviors but it is about validating her feelings. 

You could respond with something like...I want to be there for you mom, it sounds like you're feeling lonely, but unfortunately tonight I have to work.

You're still telling her that you won't be home but you are also validating her feelings so she feels heard.

Hi Panda39,

I'll definitely look into this, and thanks for the example, too!