Over the past year I've recently realized that I've been in a relationship with someone for about 10 years who has clear signs of BPD.
It's taken a huge toll on both of our lives: I've been struggling with alcoholism and depression, we've broken up a few times (never more than a month) and has led to a constant roller coaster that for the past 2 years seems to be right at the cusp of a breaking point.
She's always been a bit off-kilter - in the first 5 years I thought it was manic-depression, she could be laying in bed for 3 days straight saying her life was over to applying herself positively from 6 am - 1 am for a month straight. We live an isolated life, she's estranged from her family, and have developed (both admittedly) a habit of co-dependency. The episodes have gotten increasingly more destructive - I won't get into all of it or even near the worst of it, but an example:
2 years ago we went on a trip for a week then came back to visit two married high school friends of mine before the second leg of the trip - a work conference at a resort 8 hours from home. She felt slighted by my female high school friend (a trigger magnified by the previous week of daily drinking by both of us). She ran back to our house, but when she came back I could tell something was off and hours in after arguing she hopped out of the car at a gas station. She refused to get back in the car - yelling in broad daylight at me and saying she was going to hitch hike home (5.5 hours). Once we were back in the car we drove to the hotel, but when we got there she was still in the midst of an episode, and I had to pull over into a random parking lot to avoid her jumping out of a moving car. She punched her own car - almost breaking her wrist - and then demanded that I Baker-Act her. She ended up calming down 4 hours later and we finally checked into the hotel at 3:30 am. 2 days later - everything was pollyanna, like nothing had every happened.
I've moved out several times and started to see other people, ultimately getting back together with her (in retrospect in very unhealthy ways). I myself deal with alcoholism and depression and haven't dealt with this well - I've lied, cheated, drank daily for months straight - but there was a hope a year and a half ago that both of us would recommit to the relationship and work things out together.
We decided to move away, have a fresh start, and work on healthy habits. Needless to say this fell apart almost immediately - although we made steps by visiting a couples counselor etc. in December/January.
Her actions gotten way more severe over time and after failing her for years all of her pain and anger gets directed on to me. She lies constantly: any challenge to this is that it's actually my fault. She will go off on any moments notice and tell me that I "ruin everything" am "the worst person in the world" and that my family hates me, thinks I'm a liability etc. Of course this is met by the opposite - there are days where she raves about me being the kindest or most amazing person in the world, which makes this all the more difficult. She'll literally tear the house apart - pull down drapes, smash walls, etc. - only to tearfully put them back together when she's come back down.
She's seen therapists, but it's clear to me that all she discusses with them is my issues: that I'm an alcoholic or that she's still dealing with trust issues from infidelity. I've tried to be supportive, have printed out resentment exercises, but out of the blue she'll throw something in my face that happened 3 years ago as if it was yesterday. "Oh why did I not get anything for your birthday? Because you think I'm so terrible right? Maybe you should go
PLEASE READ!"
I don't know what to do at this point because she refuses to even admit to having problems. Years ago she would at least say "I'm awful, I'm messed up," etc. - and engage in self damaging talk, but now ANY problem is my fault. Anything happens = "you're a
PLEASE READing alcoholic!" "this is because you ruin things!" "I was doing great, but the day you try to help you ruined everything!"
Over the past year and a half I am absolutely struggling to deal with this. I've gotten books on dealing with loved ones with BPD, tried to get her to do workbooks on DBT etc., but I am struggling to try to have any healthy life of my own - it's impacting my career, family, etc. - and lately when I've lost patience I've been lashing out and challenging her by letting her know that I think she's emotionally abusive (which is likely worsening the problem). It's always been a challenge since we work from home - I've tried to work on boundaries and we've gotten better at it and she was even about to start a job once COVID ends. That being said, it's at the point where over the past 3 months we live and sleep on separate floors 80% of the time.
How can I get her to admit her BPD and get help? I know you can force them to confront their issues , but I'm at a loss. Every day is walking on eggshells. It seems my choice is either to eat and bury the constant pain I feel, because if I confront her: it's my fault, or it's "emotionally abusive to tell her that she's emotionally abusive," or if I wasn't here her life would be perfect.
I've tried to get us to split up twice now over the past year and both times she brought me back in saying how it would work out etc. She threatens to move out constantly, but never does it (think 60+ times over the past year).
I'm literally broken at this point. This is someone that I do love, even though in her current incarnation it's tough for me to even be around her. I know I've both been unsupportive and enabling at times.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to help her, and I'm worried that there isn't a way out.
