is this a charm? I feel sick

[littlepixie]

I have written about my ex before, we ended in October last year, stopped seeing each in February and I went NC then. He blocked me on everything, but unblocked my Whatsapp to send a Valentines day text, which I ignored. I text him in March when lockdown was announced to make sure he was okay (lives alone and vulnerable) - he replied all fine.

It was literally just a "clear the conscience" type of thing - I will never not be an uncaring person, and despite everything he did if he really needed someone in his hour of need and/or he was admitted to the hospital, I would really want him to know that I didn't hate him (I know that's ridiculous), and that I was there for help him if no one else could.

Anyway. I didn't expect to engage in a conversation - just a statement I sent ending with "no need to reply, just thought you should know." He replied immediately basically saying he was surprised to have heard from me, he appreciates it bla bla bla. We did some back and forth short messages, and he didn't end up reading the last one I sent. Fair enough.

I ended up blocking him about a week after I sent the text because I just thought it was a good time to do it - I had effectively said what I needed to - I was a contact if he needed help (I didn't block phone calls), so the block was just to make sure we didn't reenter that talking phase (when we broke up in October we consistently text each other EVERY DAY with very long paragraphs and 5 hour phone calls, and it was draining and confusing.)

Anyway, I was fine going NC (I think it's been 72 days now or something like that after I blocked) apart from the last few weeks. I have been having horrible dreams and constantly thinking about it. I think I have come to realize that maybe I was a toxic force in the relationship too, as I have a lot of self-esteem issues. That obviously doesn't excuse his behaviour, but I perhaps understand why I triggered some of the behaviours.

I also saw that he was still following me on another instagram account, and all his friends were too. I ended up deleting my insta and basically all social media because I just feel so bored with it all.

Anyway, I got a new phone today. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that all blocked numbers stay blocked on it.

I obviously scroll down to check that my ex is still blocked - and he is, BUT - my last message from March this morning was read (two blue ticks) yesterday at 10am.

I don't know why but I threw my phone down kinda half in horror. I'm not sure why this has upset me so much.

I guess it's because I think he could have sent a message I'll never get (likely), or that he is browsing my messages because he misses me (unlikely), or he has accidentally clicked on it (likely).

But it's got my head thinking - why yesterday? why did he read it?

Part of me thinks he must know he's blocked right - your picture disappears from your contact when blocked?

I don't really know what my question it, I just feel overwhelmed like I have gone looking for a reason to think about it again?

It's just a _____ coincidence that the one time I check, he has read the damn message like 24 hours before.

charm or I am overreacting?

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[once removed]

hi littlepixie,

question: do you want him back?

[littlepixie]

hi littlepixie,

question: do you want him back?

Hello. I'm not sure anymore. I think a part of me will always want him back. Partly because I never understood why we broke up in the first place. I don't really know what I feel right now ... tired I guess?

I honestly couldn't say what I wanted. I don't have anything to say to him, and the reaction I've been having is more a deep anxiety/physical dread more than anything. I guess in the last few months of NC, it's easy because he hasn't been a "real" thing. It sounds stupid, but whenever I have cut off exes in the past, I have only been able to move on by pretending that I never knew them, that they are a stranger. Now I have seen him "do" something (sounds stupid to even write that) - I feel like he's become him again - does that make sense?

It's not that I want contact I just find myself constantly thinking of it now - "I wonder where he was when he read it?", "I wonder why he read it?", "I wonder if he was at the hospital when he read it?" - even things like "I wonder what he's doing now".

For me I have really tried NC as a proper NC - as in, not just waiting for them to contact/not a ploy to get him back, but really a purge of all the he put me through. And now I feel like I have failed because he's on my mind again. I feel like I am back to square one.

I hope he doesn't find a way because it feels like he is burrowing into my headspace. There's little ways he could contact, besides letter (which is unlikely)

I just feel very conflicted and sad

[once removed]

It sounds stupid, but whenever I have cut off exes in the past, I have only been able to move on by pretending that I never knew them, that they are a stranger.

do you mean avoiding grieving?

because you may have been doing that throughout this process.

it would explain the doubts, the questions, the lack of closure you are expressing.

those things are natural. confront them head on. thats the only way through it all.

but try to distinguish between whether that means strong emotions are stirred up, and whether you want to get back together.