Exploring all my options before I make a decision to leave

[alkalineanything]

I believe my boyfriend of several years has BPD, and I'm reaching a breaking point (again). I say "I believe" because we have been to multiple therapists, then finally saw a psychiatrist together, and that doctor is the one who mentioned BPD, but never as a clinical diagnosis (it turns out he was only into neurotransmitter testing/selling all-natural products by NeuroScience...which, to be honest, I don't think were bad, but also not the solution). I knew nothing about BPD at that time, but the more research I do, it's spot on.

He is incredibly loving, attentive, and was my best friend even before we began dating. Most of the time, this is who he is, both to me and our two children (one each from previous marriages). But, I have used the term "walking on eggshells" for a long time now to where it was just normal, but I realize it's not at all normal. Things have been good for a while now, but in the most recent situation, he had a very intense episode in front of a group of some of our closest friends (and children) in which something small set him off (he had already been irritated and was very tired) and he became irrationally explosive. He screamed horrible things at me, friends, kids, told me to leave... and, of course now (a few days later), he is crying, apologetic, and desperate for me not to leave.

Looking in from the outside, if I witnessed this happen to one of my friends, I would want her to leave. It seems so simple, but it's so far from it. He is amazing in so many ways. He is the closest thing to a father that my daughter knows, and she loves him. She loves his daughter. They've grown up together. He treats me so well, provides for our family, everyone who knows him loves him. I don't understand the episodes. One minute everything is find, the next he's lashing out and "breaking up" with me. He thinks I'm going to find someone better and cheat on him. If I'm having an off day, while still being gentle and kind with him, he gets mad and defensive and thinks he did something wrong.

The thing is, I know that who he is, is actually a good person. Not in a "he treats me like PLEASE READ but I love him" naive way. Like, he actually is a kind and caring person. The episodes are extreme, to the point that it feels like it's not even him, and I actually feel bad for him. I'm just not sure where to go or what to do anymore. Of course, he says he's willing to go to a doctor, take meds, do anything...but not because he thinks he has a genuine problem. More because he's just "willing" to do whatever it takes to keep me. 

This was a very long rant, I've never posted in anything like this in my life. I just thought maybe someone could relate, and could give me a different, unbiased perspective.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Welcome

You are in the right place.

Sorry you are having a hard time now.

I truly understand.  I am separated, we lived together over 10 years, he helps people that no one want to even say hello to, he helps them change their lives.  So I know what you mean when you say loving, kind.  It's still no way easy!  The disease is there.  Understanding that sometimes does not help me. 

You can learn tools here that help, see similar stories, gain support.  Gain daily reprieve.  Be of good cheer.  People here are doing this.  Sometimes with success, sometimes not, and still with love and perserverance.  I hope you will gain a measure of comfort here and peacefulness.

Sincerely
j

[TRB]

HI alkalineanything,

I just want to let you know I have been there--nearly 25 years in a relationship with a partner who very likely has undiagnosed BPD.  She is loving, kind, and caring.  I could go on and on about all of her amazing qualities.  But she has also ended our relationship violently so many times I cannot count them, and then an hour or a day later acted as if it never happened.  She has moved out of our house for days at a time and broken off all contact in response to small triggers, only to return and again act as if everything is normal.

We are in the process of separating now, by my decision.  I have felt many of the same feelings as you.  I don't think my partner is a bad person.  I actually have significant empathy for the life circumstances that I believe led to her BPD: emotional sensitivity combined with abusive and invalidating parents.  I remember when I read that this is the primary theory about what "causes" BPD and it really resonated.

But I also know that I can no longer live with her.  It is not emotionally safe for me to live with her.  There have been times when it has not been physically safe for me to live with her.  The physical aspect has slowly but surely grown in recent years and that is a big part of what sealed the decision for me.

What enabled me to make a shift was to start focusing as much on my own feelings and needs as I did on my compassion for my partner.  If you are like me, perhaps you have stayed because you have been so focused on the fact that your partner is not inherently bad and you have compassion for him and would feel guilty about leaving him.  That is a noble quality in you.  But whether it is safe or healthy for you to live or be in a relationship with him is a separate issue.  And facing that requires that you give at least as much weight to your own feelings and needs as you do to his, so that you do not sacrifice yourself out of your compassion.  I am not trying to preach to you, but I am suggesting that you consider the possibility that he could be a good person and that simultaneously you may need to leave him for your own sake.  Those two facts may be painful to consider but, if they are true for you, they are not a contradiction, and it does not make you a bad person to leave him.

Your subject line is about exploring all of your options.  I suggest you open your mind to many different possibilities.  What is it that you need?  For example, do you need a safe place of your own to live in with your children? If so, maybe you could live separately from your husband but maintain some kind of relationship with him.  No contact is not the only answer for everyone.  Maybe there are other "out of the box" possibilities that would be worth considering.  Do you have trusted friends or family members, or a therapist or life coach, who you can speak to about your options with your best interests in mind and without being judged?

I think if you spend time really asking yourself, "What do I feel?" and "What do I need?" and do your best not to censor yourself based on your guilt or how you imagine your husband would react to your answers, you may find some possibilities to consider.  Just keep in mind that you may feel selfish when asking yourself these questions, and do what you can to remind yourself that thinking about your own feelings and needs is just taking care of yourself and isn't selfish.

I would check out Lisa A. Romano's videos on YouTube.  She has some good ones that talk about how to deal with your compassion towards the other person but without sacrificing what you need to stay healthy and thrive.

I wish you strength and peace.

[Arizona]

Hi alkalineanything

You’ve come to the right place. I have recently joined myself and each day that I have logged on I find that someone else is walking a similar path. It helps me feel less alone because most of my friends would agree with you about leaving the relationship. It’s very hard to leave someone you love. At the same time it’s also really hard not knowing if that person you love will be present consistently; My partner can change moods in minutes and without warning I’m now in a relationship with Mr. Hyde. I feel you.

I’m big on making a decision you can have peace with, not one you necessarily like. I decided to work on myself and my caretaking and enabling before I make any other decisions. Coming to this forum is a good step in the right direction for any decision you make. Only you know what is best for you.