Husband is off the rails again

[FeelingStronger]

I've been married for over 25 years. My husband is undiagnosed but shows all the clear signs of BPD. He had a huge blow up last week and we haven't really spoken much since. Today he told me he wants a divorce. He said all sorts of horrible things that were designed to hurt me and basically blamed me for everything that is wrong in his life. I let him rant and did not respond in kind although a lot of things went through my head to say back. I basically let him rant and told him that if he wants a divorce, that is fine. I'm not asking for one and would be willing to work on the relationship but if he wants a divorce that's what we'll do. This isn't the first time he's had an episode like this although this was one of the worst.
I'm not too worried about getting a divorce. I'll be okay financially. In many ways it will make my life much easier. Not dealing with the constant drama and uncertainty would be a welcome change. But I'm also still really sad. I know the hurtful things he said aren't true. I also think he is really hurting and needs help but right now he turns anything I say against me so I chose to not say much of anything.
I guess I'm posting on here because I feel very alone right now. I haven't told any of my friends or family about this because I'm fully aware he may come back in an hour and be apologetic. I figured people on here would understand what I'm going through.

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[Arizona]

Hello FeelingStronger

You’re definitely not alone. Can’t tell you how many times my BPD partner has broken up, taken off his ring, asked me to leave, , and even submitted an offer on a house he later had to cancel. These reactions and behaviors can be embarrassing to share with friends unless they really understand BPD.

 It sounds like, whether he meant it or not, his words and actions may have been  hurtful. What do you need to take care of you after this “emotional lashing” (that’s how they feel to me sometimes)? He might not even remember everything he said. I’ve recently read that they dissociate a lot and may not have a clear recount of what happened, why it happened, or what was said. :/

[FeelingStronger]

Thank you for your reply. It is comforting to know there are other people going through the same thing. Just sharing on here with people who may understand is very helpful. It's something I should have done before now.

This definitely isn't the first time we've been through this. I'm trying to stick to my routine and doing things I enjoy to take care of myself. I actually just worked out. It was hard to motivate myself to do it but it feels much better now that I did.

I also feel really bad for him. I think his latest outburst has a lot to do with his own depression. The whole quarantine has been very hard on him. He isn't working because of it and doesn't know when he will be able to again which I know is affecting him. I just don't know how to be sympathetic to him at a moment when he's telling me every awful thing he can think to say to me. Afterwards I feel some sympathy but in the moment it is all I can do not to lash at back at him. I think he is really trying to goad me into responding.

[Arizona]

Remind yourself that you matter too. My anger doesn’t last long and I start to empathize for my partner as well. However, in my experience they struggle with empathizing with how their behavior hurts you.

I’m practicing (as we speak) to maintain my boundary of not tolerating hurtful behavior and words. It’s very hard because I miss the caring version of him. I experience grief almost every time he checks out and becomes  mean and cold. I feel like I lose him. Reality is that no matter how stressed out or depressed they might be, it never justifies treated others unkindly. Stay strong my friend.

[thefountain]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this - I have the exact same dynamic playing out.

The most recent one was brutal, so I'm feeling more that you have a chance to get out - and you should take it.

I just came off getting screamed at and told every day I was the reason for someone's depression.   
A few points: you can't blame yourself for their depression,

[FeelingStronger]

Arizona: I think grief is a good description for what I am feeling. I don't take his hurtful words to heart any more. He's also told me the exact opposite things. I realize that his words express more about him than about me. I do have to remind myself in the moment not to respond to his insults. It is tempting to explain how wrong or hurtful they are but that will get no where with him and will likely lead down a rabbit hole. Once he has calmed down he usually apologizes and I can discuss it then. But I do grieve for the fact that I am in a relationship that is not what I had envisioned for myself. And I grieve because the loving partner that I sometime have is gone for the moment.

What sort of things do you to take care of yourself in these moments?

[FeelingStronger]

thefountain: Yes, you are right, I am not the cause of his depression. I do realize that. In fact I was told I am the cause of everything bad that has every happened to him. It's not even worth trying to respond to a ridiculous statement like that.

I'm not sure if this is the last straw or not for me. At times yesterday I thought it might be. I am trying to have a bit of compassion for the fact that we are in unprecedented times and I know it is affecting him more than me. That's not an excuse for mistreating me but it helps me to understand where it is coming from.

Last night he needed help with something from me. I didn't jump to help him because I was in the middle of something. But when I finished, I sat and listened for a long time to his problem (totally unrelated to me) even though he never addressed the issues of his rant earlier in the day. I did some active listening techniques and I think just being heard really helped him. He was much calmer at the end of the talk. I didn't bring up anything from earlier when we finished talking I left the room.

At this point I plan to continue doing things to take care of myself including planning for my future with or without him and not engaging in any arguing with him and we'll see where things go from here.

[Arizona]

Hi FeelingStronger

I make dates with my girlfriends and do a lot of small self care things. Spending time with my dog also helps and this forum has been really helpful. It helps to be around people that are kind and smile. It helps to remind me that there’s more to life than what I experience at home when my partner is having flare ups.

I struggle with the silent treatment ... it is so awkward and stressful. I’m practicing to not engage him in conversation and just let things be but it has gone up to 2 weeks. Does this happen in your relationship? If so, any tips?

[Kaylina15]

Hi everyone,
I am new here and can totally relate.  I've gone through this for years. I made the choice to leave but we are still living together for the time being due to these times. I can't count how many times he said he wanted a divorce. The last time was New Year Day 2019. We had gone out someplace nice and he got upset because he thought the parking police were going to ticket us if we didn't get back to the car at the exact expiration time. He also got upset because i couldn't decide on lunch. So we got into an argument and he said he couldn't deal anymore and he wanted a divorce. I told him fine, i wasn't playing games anymore.  I started working on plans for myself and to leave.  In the meantime, he apologized after he started getting help last October, and had stated that it was because he was in a bad place in his head. I told him it was too late.

If you are planning your leave, make sure you try to help yourself by meditating, or yoga, or some form of self care. Go take a walk outside, or just listen to music with earphones. And remember,  it's not your fault.

[FeelingStronger]

Arizona: Yes the silent treatment is very hard. I think I used to push for an immediate conversation to resolve whatever the issue was and that would make things worse. I find that we get through the flare ups faster when I recognize what is happening and let him be on his own. A week is about as long as he has ever gone with the silent treatment but usually it is only a day at the most. I don't like tension so it's in my nature to want to figure out the problem and resolve it.

[FeelingStronger]

Kaylina15: I could relate to the description of your last blow up - sometimes it is over such trivial things. It must be tough living in the same house if you've made the decision to move on. I hope you are doing okay. Will you have to continue living together for long?

[secretgirl]

Hi FS! I have been with my ubpdbf for almost a year and a half now and I can not tell
You how many times he’s done this ... even the simplest things set him off sometimes. Usually I just brush it off and act non reactive as you do.
Unfortunately, I have been given silent treatment once for a month! And was
Also blocked on and off. He would text me something within that month , make me react, then block me again. I just stopped taking the bait. Your husband def wants you to react so he can say “I told you so “ in terms of why he should get a divorce from you (in his mind those words are his irrational reaction to something but if You DO react, you’re just proving him “right” so really, it’s a lose lose situation).
I’d say you’re doing the best thing by being there but not reacting. I know it’s hard but o do the exact same things now when my bf has an episode ... i state my boundaries my expectations while also letting him know I care then if he still goes on, I ignore. I’ve said what I’ve had to say and eventually when he calms down , he feels ashamed of what he’s said and says sorry etc

It’s almost like when we blow up and say things we don’t mean ... except for them I think it occurs towards even minute problems.

I’ve found the more space o give my bf during these times and the less reactive I am, the faster he gets over it and calms down . Don’t fuel the fire. And try to not take it personally I know it’s hard. Believe me it took me months and months to learn this but the rest of the time my bf is amazing and a very empathetic caring individual with a big heart. So during his episodes , I know it’s just him over reacting and he doesn’t mean what he says so I contribute it to “word vomit” and let it roll off my shoulders. I treat it as the irrational tantrum it is and leave it at that.

Now on the other hand, if your husband is ALWAYS negative and there is no more positive to look forward to in your relationship then that’s a bit of
A diff story... hope this helps! Big hugs to you!  Treat yourself girl! Get your nails done.

[Kaylina15]

Kaylina15: I could relate to the description of your last blow up - sometimes it is over such trivial things. It must be tough living in the same house if you've made the decision to move on. I hope you are doing okay. Will you have to continue living together for long?

FeelingStronger: My plan was to leave before our anniversary date in August, but depending on how much money I am getting from unemployment and whether I can find a job in my homestate, and what my parents say about me staying with them for a while, it may be longer before I can. I have a hard time with large change, and because I love the holidays, I feel like it's going to be a weird transition...like, I may spend half my time here and half there for half a year or so before I finally settle back there completely.  It may make it easier for both of us. I had kind of been doing that before anyway. I was visiting my family at least once a month for a week or two since 2019, or I would go for long weekends. Being an adjunct professor at a college helped with that scheduling, and it made it easier for me to come back and deal with him.
I guess I will figure it all out piece by piece.

[FeelingStronger]

Secretgirl: Thank you for the encouragement. This is what I try to do. The less I react, the more he tries to push my buttons. Once, when he was being introspective he told me that a big fight makes him feel better. So I think he is looking for that but it makes me feel worse and while he seems to forget the hurtful things he says, he will remember everything I say and use it against me later so it is better not to even go there. As you said - don't add fuel to the fire. He does have many good qualities or I wouldn't have stayed here so long. We also have children together and I would worry about them if they were visiting alone with him when he had a flare up.

Arizona spoke about feeling grief in these moments. I think I grieve the fact that I won't ever have the emotional support from my spouse that I would like. Yes he can be loving and fun and I enjoy time with him but I need to get my emotional needs met elsewhere.

Today is a better day. He has apologized and we've talked a little bit about what happened. We'll see how it goes from here - one day at a time.