Hi Everyone

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

  I'm new here and I think my husband is BPD. He was diagnosed with bipolar, but he fits many of the signs of BPD. After 27 years of dealing with the roller coaster ride and jekyll and hyde motions of his drinking and emotions, I made a decision to leave him.  Mainly because I cannot keep dealing with him and being 3 hours away from my family and friends and hometown has not helped. I miss being with people who love me in a normal, healthy way.
As soon as I made this decision in October,  he got really drunk, then decided the next day to get better. He said it had nothing to do with me.He threw out all the rest of his beer, and stopped drinking. He has been seeing a therapist and is on medication,  but it hasn't really done much other than to lessen his anger outbursts. I have dealt with his paranoia,  insecurity, abandonment issues, and jealousy for years and I just don't want to do it anymore.
We have discussed our separation and my moving back home, but he still can be passive aggressive, among other things. He cannot understand why i do not want to try again, after i gave him chance after chance in th past to stop.
I was planning on leaving but then covid hit and we have been in the house together since March-- he working from home. I get some hours to myself during the days, but it can be tense on his free time. He has cried many times and has also lashed out.
I am finally able to go to visit my family in another state next weekend, with plans to talk to them about moving forward.
My question is, how do i deal with his sadness and his outbursts? Without having it blow up in my face?

[Kaylina15]

  I'm new here and I think my husband is BPD. He was diagnosed with bipolar, but he fits many of the signs of BPD. After 27 years of dealing with the roller coaster ride and jekyll and hyde motions of his drinking and emotions, I made a decision to leave him.  Mainly because I cannot keep dealing with him and being 3 hours away from my family and friends and hometown has not helped. I miss being with people who love me in a normal, healthy way.
As soon as I made this decision in October,  he got really drunk, then decided the next day to get better. He said it had nothing to do with me.He threw out all the rest of his beer, and stopped drinking. He has been seeing a therapist and is on medication,  but it hasn't really done much other than to lessen his anger outbursts. I have dealt with his paranoia,  insecurity, abandonment issues, and jealousy for years and I just don't want to do it anymore.
We have discussed our separation and my moving back home, but he still can be passive aggressive, among other things. He cannot understand why i do not want to try again, after i gave him chance after chance in th past to stop.
I was planning on leaving but then covid hit and we have been in the house together since March-- he working from home. I get some hours to myself during the days, but it can be tense on his free time. He has cried many times and has also lashed out.
I am finally able to go to visit my family in another state next weekend, with plans to talk to them about moving forward.
My question is, how do i deal with his sadness and his outbursts? Without having it blow up in my face?

[Rev]

Hi and welcome to a place that will give you lots of support.

So sorry for you to be in this place. It can be so, so confusing.

In answer to your question - what to do?  There isn't much you can do except act as quickly and cleanly as possible. There is no way to predict how people with a disorder well act because they are ... well... disordered.  No rhyme ... no reason.  Very disorienting.

So, the only thing is to strengthen your resilience which will in turn strengthen your resolve.

What ever you do, make sure you have a safety plan. These are tough times and one can never really be sure how others will react.

And now my friend - please hear this with your heart.  THIS is not your fault. It's not necessarily his either, but you need to feel okay doing what you need to do. And that may sound harsh right now. But this ... is... not your fault. And there will not be any easy way for you to not set him off. That's not your fault either.

Reach out any time. I have found the people here so very supportive. 

Good luck and keep us updated.

Rev

[Kaylina15]

Thank you Rev. I know it is not my fault. It took me years to realize it, but I did.
My biggest issue is that I am maternally instinctual.  I love helping people. I'm a giver. I am a teacher by trade, nurturer, and I care so much about other people that I sometimes forget to take care of myself.

Therefore,  i worry about him because he
Iiterally has no one else to support him besides me. He and I distanced ourselves from his mother because she has control issues and was very manipulative when we lived with her years ago, our son is 27, lives upstairs from us, and has his own life, and his stepfather is not the healthiest, so my husband doesn't want to involve him in anything he may be struggling with.  
I know that the choice to not reach out to people is his, as he is an introvert and does not make friends easily, but I still feel badly because I would be moving three hours back to home.

He reminds me of this occasionally, by saying things like "if i have to have knee surgery again, how am I going to get around?" Or " I hate going grocery shopping alone, it is much easier when we go together. " ( I have anxiety about wearing and seeing masks, so I haven't gone to a store since mid April, which has put him in the situation of having to do it alone). I remind myself often that he is not a child and he has been successfully shopping alone for the last few weeks.

I am going to visit my family finally, this coming weekend, and plan on staying there for at least two weeks. He has been left alone before when I've gone for weeks, and the last few times, i think he did well.  At least, he didn't drink.  Before he quit, he would get drunk when i would go away and drunk text me so i couldn't fully enjoy being there. He always thinks I put my family there before him. He doesn't realize I love everyone equally. I discussed this with his therapist when we went together. I don't know if his therapist has picked up on a BPD diagnosis...he seemed to be very narcissistic himself.

Anyway,  I'm working on a way out, but it is taking time.