Feeling so conflicted..fleas from ex and appear to be doing the charming

[Lulu1]

Hey guys! So I’ve spoken about my ex pwBPD before...We met a year ago. He discarded me in the October, was seeing someone else- made out he didn’t cheat; my fault etcetc. Anyway, mid Feb, I sent a text. Stupidly yes, I know all too well. We exchanged convo for a while. He sent photos of his child and him, then we ended the chats. When lockdown began; what do I go and do but worry about him on his own and reached out. (face palm moment) Anyway, we talked some then ended. 2 weeks go by and he’d message. 3 weeks and I message. Then it became more consistent. He’d text in the morning. Started adding kisses and reminiscing. Remembering things I wouldn’t have thought he would. By this point, I felt those feelings again; by how he was talking, he made me feel he felt the same way- truly did.

When he discarded, he also said he was moving and lost some of my belongings so I was keen to try and get those back plus money he owed! He’s now said he’s found my things so either he kept them or never moved? Old habits resurfaced though when a couple of weeks ago he started leaning on me for emotional support, venting about a subject that he wouldn’t fully describe so I couldn’t help anyway. Then he rang me late one night when I said it was unwise to ring me. He wanted to vent about his ex, child’s mum (she clearly loves him from my POV) I think he reciprocates but can’t regulate that feeling. Anyway, I was kinda annoyed he chose to ring, saying he needed to talk to someone who makes him feel better...yeah sure

A week ago, he mentioned going for a walk to discuss ‘us’ and what happened previously. I gave it thought. Obviously, still Covid etc. I thought about him, the sex, the good times. Yeah, idiotic. So I met him. 8 months on and I fancied him as much as before. We spoke about nothing important, typical and everything became sexual. So a week more of texting, I plucked up courage to say we need to talk. To put it simply, he’s gone from all over me like a rash to emotional detachment- ‘I’d like to continue seeing you on a casual basis. If you don’t want to it’s fine’ All that reminiscing and fondness vanished. I feel like a prized fool, especially during this pandemic. Got what he wanted didn't he

The thing is, I know full well I want commitment from someone- I have been dating others at the beginning of the year but I feel like I can't resist him..he clearly has no feelings for me, or does but cannot regulate that. I actually now don't care if he does. He'll never commit due to not addressing his bpd. Can I emotionally and outcome detach myself enough to at least get the sex I want, but continue to date others, or am I just ridiculous ?

Since the break-up, I realised that I have some of my own childhood baggage stemming from my father. It's like I'm addicted to the pain..I don't know. I also have GAD myself so that sure doesn't help things! Ohh, I hope you can help

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[once removed]

the short version is that neither of you have resolved the old relationship.

but it sounds like you may both be at different stages of grieving it.

you both like the excitement and the connection. you both sense there is unresolved baggage. theres probably a level of distrust there...you both want to resolve it in order to move forward, but it wasnt resolved before breaking up.

its incredibly confusing that he would send a message that he wants to resolve things, and then you follow up, and then he backs up. unfortunately, men often do this. highly sensitive people do this.

he is saying he wants the excitement and connection without the baggage, commitment, attachment. hes saying hes not prepared to resolve or rehash the old stuff between the two of you. at least part of you is saying you arent prepared to do one without the other.

think it through.

you have expectations, and if you go into this ignoring them, youre going to get hurt.

think it through. if you want to rekindle the relationship, post on the Bettering board. come up with a plan.

[Lulu1]

the short version is that neither of you have resolved the old relationship.

but it sounds like you may both be at different stages of grieving it.

you have expectations, and if you go into this ignoring them, youre going to get hurt.

think it through. if you want to rekindle the relationship, post on the Bettering board. come up with a plan.

Thank you so much for the advice! You’re right on the money. I wonder, am I the one who has not grieved enough yet and he has?

We had another weird conversation last night, as I got in touch to say I may be ok with the proposed idea, but that I’m not his friend. He got rather defensive then said what a bad night he’s having. Of course I said I’m sorry he was. To which he dumped his emotional baggage again. I said to stop doing that and if I were to see him again (I’ve not decided) it would be for one thing. He then said all he wants is company, nothing more- to which I said he has friends for that.
He followed this by being harsh, saying ‘I see you as a mate. Fwb’
I said I was at least happy to hear he has no feelings for me at all- I know where I stand and proceeded to say I wish he had told me I wasn’t his type and he just sees me as a mate, nothing more. In Feb, he’d even said I hope we find what we’re looking for and remain amicable’ Haha!
He replied..‘I’ve never said I’ve not got feelings, quite the opposite. I do like you a lot but I can’t say something now that a moment later I then regret.’

So confusing! Maybe you are correct, I’ll just get hurt. I honestly think he really does only see me as a friend, but being the complex person he is, he won’t admit that truth to me?

If I am to continue this- in a form of casual, see other people way, what plan can I formulate to stay strong and detached...or is that impossible?

[once removed]

i moved your post to the Bettering/Reversing a Breakup board for now. if things change, let me know, ill move it back, or you can start a new thread.

i want to reiterate some of the points i made previously.

the two of you are doing a few things...

you are trying to negotiate a relationship, while grieving the old one, while debating moving on, while battling feelings, while being on different pages, and with little to no trust between you.

so primarily, the two of you are fighting about the new terms, and the old terms.

the status quo is a disaster in the making.

I’m not his friend. He got rather defensive

anyone would be defensive about this, especially exes debating a friends with benefits relationship. its combative. if you want to have some sort of sexual, or friends with benefits relationship, fighting and defensiveness on either side will kill it fast. sexual or friends with benefits relationships work best when they are light, fun, free of baggage and conflict.

He followed this by being harsh, saying ‘I see you as a mate. Fwb’
I said I was at least happy to hear he has no feelings for me at all- I know where I stand and proceeded to say I wish he had told me I wasn’t his type and he just sees me as a mate, nothing more. In Feb, he’d even said I hope we find what we’re looking for and remain amicable’ Haha!

he isnt saying he has no feelings or doesnt find you attractive. hes saying that he wants a zero commitment friends with benefits relationship. why? because he likes you and desires you, but the old relationship didnt work.

Lulu1, it sounds like you want more. before you commit either way, you need to fully consider this...think this through.

do you want a friends with benefits relationship that leads to getting back together? are you prepared in the event that it doesnt? can you handle a purely sexual, friendless relationship, where there are no loyalties, and there may be others?

[Lulu1]

You're so very right! I've spent the week thinking about it on and off. I made the decision that it is possible, I think, to have a light, sexual relationship, as long as I come to terms with the fact he only sees me as this. I'm not quite at that stage, and to be honest, he doesn't seem that fussed in arranging time to see me- even though he stated he wants to continue! I don't believe much of what he says due to how he has treated me in the past. I can't keep chasing, so for now, I'm leaving it. He can decide and seek me. If I do see him, I want to try my hardest to keep things on friendly terms.. Doable? I hope so! *fingers crossed*

[once removed]

are you saying you want him to chase you...make you feel desired?

[Lulu1]

To be honest, no I don’t think so. I can’t see him chasing. He’s far too unemotional for that. He’s gone m.i.a already. Typical. He wanted to try ‘casual’ so I obliged, as I said but when I then lessened contact and just sent a message to see when he was free, I didn’t get much reply all week. By last Friday, he said he’s really struggling. I asked what’s up; said if talk with him but I got no reply. Eurgh. So I rang mid week, and he said he’d explain what’s happened (?) never did.
I give up now- said I’d leave him be for now. I’m not sure why he seems to have changed his mind!

[once removed]

maybe it was too much too soon?

[Lulu1]

Perhaps- or maybe he was seeing someone else, which I tend to think, and he’s just such a liar he couldn’t just tell me that! Just ignores instead. Infuriating(!)

[once removed]

i wouldnt jump to conclusions.

youre in a bit of a jungle trying to navigate this. things arent clear, and in reality, they arent necessarily going to be, in a friends with benefits situation. things arent always spelled out and clear cut. that can be heavy, it can mean more commitment than a friends with benefits situation lends itself to.

if hes ignoring, if he says hes struggling, these are signs to read and to heed. it may sting, but it may not be about you...he may just need space and not have the emotional bandwidth or loyalty to spell it out beyond what hes done.

[Lulu1]

Well, he’s not been on WhatsApp for over a week now, at all. So I’m going to figure he’s changed his number or something because he’s never off that! Just a lowlife liar I think who doesn’t want help, haha!