I'm writing this as I had a chat with my mother this evening, and she felt very strongly that I had been left for another man. My father had an affair when I was younger, so have some trust that she has some intuition on the signs, but I'm more of the mindset of I don't want to jump to conclusions. I'll paint the picture here either way, as the relationship is something I have always had a bad feeling of in my gut.

Late summer last year, my now ex-upwBPD went to a festival with friends. She had asked me to come, but I declined as it wasn't my kind of festival. Whilst there, she befriended a slightly older guy and a couple he was with, and that's all the details I have on the festival really. A few weeks later, she invited me to go with her to drinks with these people, I declined this too, and she went alone. Alarm bells were silent at this time.

Some time later, she was going to get a drink with him again. I asked about it, and found out that he lives and works partly abroad, and had said that he was flying over to see her. Cue the feeling in the gut. I told her that sounded really sketchy and I was uncomfortable with that, but she downplayed things as me being jealous I think. I can't actually recall if they went for that drink, but they were texting fairly frequently I believe.

A month or two later, she was invited to a party about 200 miles away with some friends from university (who I had met many times). She told me she was going and was going to go with this guy. I was shocked and hurt, and told her that was ridiculous, especially considering she hadn't even asked me whatsoever. I rationalised things in my head a little by thinking she may have been uncomfortable going as a couple. She ended up going with a mutual friend (who I do trust), who also did not take their partner, so I was content.

Jump to March, and cue our breakup. I spent a week at my parents, but as the country was looking like it was going to go into lockdown, she asked me to come back for the duration, but stated it did not change things in terms of us. I went back a couple of days later, and all of a sudden the rhetoric became that I was only coming up for a day. We had a lovely day together, and I said I would probably stay another 2 nights before going. This annoyed her. When we got back to the flat, she got all dressed up and went for a drive for an hour with this guy. I was not suspicious of the getting dressed up at the time, I thought she was stressed and annoyed, but now I am uncertain. It also didn't seem to matter that I had driven 250 miles to see her, she wanted to go out without me.

6 weeks later, we hadn't spoken really at all for a few weeks, and I wanted to see her to see if anything had changed. She said that she had been talking to this guy every day and he had been a good friend. We again had a lovely day, but she received a phone call in the afternoon, it was from him. Her phone was on loud enough for me to hear him say "hey hot stuff" when she answered the phone. After the phone call, she kept saying I looked moody and that it was nothing. I did not say a word about it, I simply sat there quietly.

After I left again, she seemed much more open and seemed to want to feel things out again. However, she stated several times that she wanted good prior notice to me going up to the flat again. I gave her good notice the time before, but she kept stressing this. This raised a red flag in my head, but I moved past it.

A couple of days ago, in a moment of weakness, I checked her social media. She had posted an instagram story as it was his birthday. She posted a screenshot of them facetiming, and he is in the bath (presumably naked).

I have always had a bad gut feeling about this guy. And have considered the idea that it may be a driver for why we separated, but have always talked myself out of it. I don't wish to assume she has left me for him without evidence, so figured I would gauge opinion here. I have asked her straight up about it a couple of times since, but she has flat out denied it. In my other post (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344557.new#new) I discuss how I lied about a kiss that happened 2 years ago when we were separated, and how insanely angry and disgusted she has been. I have wondered if her reaction is a projection to some degree, but cannot be sure at all.

I really don't know if there is a romance there, or if maybe the thrill of the idea of it is enough for her, or whatever. I would be fairly confident in saying he would likely have feelings. She is really beautiful and I doubt a single guy just magically becomes great friends with no other intentions. I am a man, I know how we generally think. Either way, I would not be surprised if he is her new FP, I just don't know if its platonic or not.

Any thoughts would be really helpful, thank you.

I wanted to add one more thought on this. As I say, I cannot confirm for sure what the truth of the situation is. However, I am certain that allowing that relationship (whether it be platonic or otherwise) to continue even after I had expressed my concerns is something I don't think is okay. I feel at the very least, I have cause to be angry and disappointed that it happened, even if it was a platonic friendship, as it was something I have always been uncomfortable with. My current thoughts are to write a message expressing that I do not know the full nature of it all, but regardless of if it is platonic or not, she should not have allowed it to happen. It's a fine line to walk between voicing thoughts on something I've always been uncomfortable about, and being controlling over who she interacts with, but at the end of the day, no new friendship (if it is just that) is worth making your partner uncomfortable for. Is sending a message like this (stating that even if it is just a friendship (which I do not think is the whole truth of it) it is not okay) likely to cause significant harm to any potential of patching things up? I would likely voice in this same message that as it stands, I feel done, because I would have given everything for her, and to do that was completely disrespectful. My concern of course is that things broke down because she felt misunderstood, and a message like this may reinforce that for her.

I'd still prefer to work things out with her, so don't want to burn any bridges for good. I don't know what I need to heal based on that, perhaps understanding into if it is likely something has happened there. I think expressing my thoughts to her would be healing in a way too, but again I don't want to sever things with her. I'm really quite angry if I am honest, and I don't know if sending a message expressing how I think that relationship (in whichever form it takes) was inappropriate and disrespectful is going to burn that bridge for good. But I feel like I need to say something about it, I'm not sure why.

That must not have been easy. I have fleeting thoughts in hindsight, maybe I should have been more stern when inappropriate things started to get said, maybe I should have talked to her about it more. But I suppose at the end of the day if these things are going to happen, they are going to happen. It's a choice they make, not ours. Just thinking out loud.


I think I justified it by telling myself that yes there will be pain but I'd rather know if something is definitely going on. But I guess in terms of getting her back, which is still my ideal goal, having this information would not help me in that regard.


Is this because interfering will likely push her further away?

True, but is there not a difference given she left me, and so the scenario of the object of affection wanting to get back together doesn't change anything, as it has to this day changed nothing? But I guess you are right in that it doesn't change much, other than I guess making it potentially easier to let go?


Is this something that is particularly true with those who have BPD, due to potential fears of abandonment I wonder? I suppose also, I wonder if there is a risk of triggering that in the wrong way, taking them to a place of "i knew he'd give up, he really didn't care and I was right to leave"?