Victim, I was making rash decisions w/o thinking about what I really wanted.

[Pea8]

Hello
My brother has been chronically ill all his life and has OCD, our relationship was difficult growing up. He was an angry young boy - in hindsight I have more compassion - but at the time I felt bullied.  Looking back I think I left home to go to uni just because I wanted to escape.  I felt I was making rash decisions without thinking about what I really wanted.  

We are better now, but I feel that I’m still being the ‘victim’ in my life even though I live far away from my family.  I feel like I’ve perpetuated this role through my young adult years.  

I love my husband very much but I don’t want my issues to affect our marriage in the future.  

I’ve had some hard times, and husband has been as supportive as he can, good thing is that he doesn’t entertain my ‘victim’ role - he tells me I have to decide for myself.  I’m now on antidepressants and feel this is really helping.  

But I still really don’t know what to do with my life to feel successful and take more responsibility.  I want to feel I’m contributing equally to my marriage. But I have very low resilience in conflict and this has affected me at work.  If someone tells me I’m doing a bad job - I’ll just quit.  

I have taken some other quite harsh steps against myself - including saying that I won’t have children.  I’m conflicted on this because, I do feel that there are too many people in the world, but I also think I may be just making this choice because I don’t feel that I ‘deserve’ it.  

Any advice and thoughts would be welcome!

[Kwamina]

Hi Pea8 and welcome to our online community

It isn't easy for a child growing up with a BPD sibling. This can really affect people long into their adult lives. Based on what you've shared, you've clearly also been very much affected by the interactions with your brother.

When you were younger, how did your parents view your brothers behavior? What did they do when your brother was misbehaving and mistreating you?

You are now an adult, but like many of us, you realize that you have certain struggles related to what you've been through growing up.

Have you ever gotten any support to help you deal with your ow struggles?

We have a resource here that is very helpful for adults who suffered childhood abuse:
Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered Childhood Abuse

This guide helps us assess where we are in our healing, what issues we are currently dealing with, and how to move forward from here. The guide takes us from survivor to thriver though 3 main stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing.

Each stage consists of 7 steps. The healing process described, isn't necessarily linear though, in fact often isn't and we will often find ourselves revisiting steps we had visited before.

When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are right now?

What would you say are the main elements listed that you find yourself most struggling with?

The Board Parrot