Why is it me? PART 2

[Dreamingagain]

Mod note:  Part 1 of this thread is located here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344632.0;all

That feeling on the back of my mind that there is someone new...
That the distance is caused by new romantic interest and im just kept as a back up

Might be my own worries but the gut feeling stays with me and eating from the inside

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

what makes you think theres someone new?

[Dreamingagain]

Just a bad feeling...

But like i said im determined to do better and not push.
Give her space and see what happens.

Hoping

[Dreamingagain]

Even the tiny scraps of contact stopped now

Wish i could find out where it all went wrong...

Time to heal my shattered heart

[Dreamingagain]

God it hurts...
Seeing her talking to our friends and me being ignored...
I love her so much and still wish there was a chance to reconcile...
There was no fight no official good bye no nothing...Just lack of contact...
Im wondering if i should keep it that way or try to push again...
Maybe there is still a chance...

[once removed]

Im wondering if i should keep it that way or try to push again...
Maybe there is still a chance...

isnt it time to move toward a broader strategy in terms of saving the relationship?

shes telling you she needs space. it would be best to heed that.

at the same time, youre hurting, and waiting for her to contact you. but what, if anything will have changed, when and if she does?

think big picture, long game.

[Dreamingagain]

I dont know how to change things
I dont know how to build new ways sonit doesnt happen again IF she comes back

Determined to change but dont know where it went wrong...

[once removed]

take this thing by the horns.

dive into the lessons and tools here. ask probing questions about them.

we know the situation is painful. and we can listen, and we can sympathize.

but it wont improve if thats all that occurs. being in these relationships, saving them, requires a radically new mindset...think of it as a lifestyle change. its hard, but necessary work.

[Dreamingagain]

She is still quiet and im lucky if i get 1 message with 1 line...
She has spend weekend with a friend - not sure how "good of a friend" that is...

Dont know what to do...

[once removed]

She is still quiet and im lucky if i get 1 message with 1 line...

we need more to operate on, Dreamingagain.

what are the messages like? what are you saying? what is she saying?

[Dreamingagain]

Messages are just answers to me wishing her a good day or saying that i miss her.
I get either 'thanks' or 'me too'
No conversation and no follow ups...
Other than that is silence...

[once removed]

saying that i miss her.

this may come off as needy to a person saying they need space, Dreamingagain.

and that may come off as hurtful to a person trying to save their relationship. i dont mean it to; i share your goals.

but if youre trying to save your relationship, you have to stop doing self defeating things.

is it time to give space? it doesnt sound like following up is helping you reach your goal.

[Dreamingagain]

You are right
It was not helpful.

I did send a message saying that i will step away but im here if she needs me.

I got a reply saying thank you and now i will need to be strong and see it thru...

Hopefully my own brain wont sabotage me and i will stay strong in the nc

[once removed]

in the meantime, if you want to save the relationship, you need to think longer term than just not contacting her for the time being.

think about it. if she came back tomorrow, how would you feel? things would probably go badly quickly.

its good to back off to stop the bleeding, and when someone is clear that they need space. but this will happen again. you need to be prepared, have a game plan, for how to tackle this when it does.

[Dreamingagain]

Any advice of how to stop it happening in the future?

[once removed]

you need to find your emotional center. build your strength.

your anxiety is ruling and dictating a great deal of how you are responding to this relationship. these are extremely challenging relationships. if you are in an emotionally injured place, it will run you over.

sometimes romantic partners test each other. people with bpd traits, even more so. sometimes a person needs to see strength in their partner, in order to feel secure in themselves, and in the relationship.

i would suspect this is not the first time youve been anxious in this relationship. i would suspect its not the first youve been anxious in a relationship. as an anxious guy myself, that anxiety can really take its toll. you cant simply eliminate anxiety..you learn new, more constructive ways to channel it.

[Dreamingagain]

You are absolutely correct i am an emotional and anxious person. Insecure at times and quite vounerable.

[once removed]

a lot of us are.

it can be something of an achilles heel in a relationship with an insecure person who needs us to be at our strongest.

are you getting any kind of professional support outside of this board? there are a host of coping mechanisms taught here, and it would behoove you to dig into them.

[Dreamingagain]

I want counselling but cant afford it right now.

I kept my distance and was strong in that but after having a very difficult day i reached out to her and made our situation worse again...
All i wanted was to have a friendly chat...

What i got was 'i dont know what we are now but i want to be alone and not think about you or us'

I think its time to think about her in terms of 'ex' rather than girlfriend...

She found new circle of friends and is spending every free moment with them.
I stopped existing in her world atm...

Dont know if there is any more hope for us. It hurts so much...

Is there any saving of it?
Or its the case of 'time to forget'...

[Dreamingagain]

i keep reading the lessons and trying so hard but i am miserable and dont know how i feel any more...

[once removed]

Is there any saving of it?

you cant do the same things and expect change.

as long as you are posting on this board, we will support you in your quest to reconcile the relationship. but this is a board for taking a deep dive, examining ourselves and our role in conflict, and actively seeking the necessary changes to get the relationship on a healthier trajectory.

if you dont feel ready to take that on (its hard, i dont know if id have been ready when i joined), it might be best to post on the Conflicted or Just Tolerating a Relationship board for the time being.

[Dreamingagain]

I am being strong ...
almost 2 weeks with no contact at all..
Its either going to work or not..

[once removed]

thats true.

two weeks is a long time, though.

how are you holding up?

[Dreamingagain]

Coping...

Trying to focus on my life and come to terms of being on my own...

Miss her terribly but life has to go on...

[Dreamingagain]

 
We spoke last night...

Over the time i was pushed away she overused alcohol as coping mechanism. She also cheated on me...

Lost now...

She says shes sorry and wants to be with me...

How do i build it from now?

I probably didnt handle it the best way with tears and saying she needs to stop all contact with the person she slept with  but my emotions took over and the hurt in me was deep.

What do i do now?

[Gemsforeyes]

I’m really sorry she did this.  Really sorry.  And I understand the pain.

What do you do?

My suggestion would be that you take some time for yourself to sit with this knowledge and think... breathe through it.  Take a few walks.  Maybe talk through it here or with a trusted friend or a therapist.

The decisions are yours and YOURS alone.  This decision is NOT hers.  She made a choice.  Now you can decide whether you share enough core values with her to reconcile.  Or not.

In the end, she may not be the person that YOU choose to be with.   There will still be the pain of healing, but My friend, sometimes it IS as simple as that.  Your life, your choices.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Dreamingagain]

My thoughts at the moment are all over the place...

I know she is sorry for what she did but i dont know how much she is able to do what i need her to do atm.
I told her to cut all contact with the other person and i am sticking by it. Might be childish but its what i need.

She is in therapy but i know she started drinking again so that needs to be addressed.

I want to put those boundries in place but with her fragile state atm dont know how to go about it.

Any advice?

[Gemsforeyes]

Of course your thoughts are all over the place.  Maybe now is NOT the time for your decision.  This is new information and you’re hurting.  You’ve every reason to be hurting.  And this will take you time to digest, forgive (if you choose to) and heal from. 

I am really sorry, my friend.  Many of us have been through this painful experience.  Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn’t.  But a decision to put it behind you is NOT made within a few days, so please go easy on yourself.

She has a LOT of work to do on herself, correct?

She’s still drinking.  You don’t want her to drink.

You tell her to cut off contact with the other guy.  Has she done that?  Is SHE ready to cut off contact?  She has hurt you deeply, yet you have not cut off contact.  Adults rarely do something simply because they’re told to do it.

Here’s the thing... we, none of of knows how deep her mental illness goes.  But it seems she’s got work to do.

So now is your opportunity to look at yourself.

Are you too reliant on her?  And can a fragile person like her take on the responsibility of you and your happiness?

You say she is too fragile at the moment...

So what can YOU do for yourself, to strengthen yourself?

Again, in the end this woman may NOT share your values.  The jury is out.

So perhaps take your eyes off of her for a time and focus on yourself.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes