BPD partner cant support me through mothers death. help

[esmerelda72]

hello all,
i have been on here for a while and posted on and off to get advice throughout my very turbulent relationship with my pwBPD gf.  we have been on and off for three years, living together then not then we are then we arent... you all know the drill.

its been hard in this lockdown and she has gone from wanting to live with me, to having me be much in her head apce so i live in a caravan on her front garden, to splitting up with me and blaming, accusing, love bombing - all of it.

i am sticking it out as i love her immensely.  this past week my mum died unexpectatntly and though she stepped up and drove me 3 hours to my parents house, cooked my family lunch... she then freaked out cos we all had a few glasses of wine in the morning to cope with our shock... i am not condoing alcohol use for a coping mechanisim at all but i do come from a family who drink.  even though she said she would call me everyday and check that i am ok and be there for me, she has withdrawn the support because i drank in a morning after learning of my mums death.  she has called me names, withheld support or only gives conditional support at certain times of the day under her terms...

i called her out and said it was bullPLEASE READ and not to make it about her and her opinion on alcohol and that we arent abusing alocohol becuase none of my family have drank since.

its all got ugly and we are reduced to emails now with her being very cold and conditional and blaming everything on the fact that i drank.  i have tied to reach that part of her that can be rreasonable sometimes but it is making things worse.

any advice on what to do?  shall i just step back from her emotionally and deal with my own greif my own way and expect no support from her?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Melissinde]

Wow... Esmeralda I really feel you here: my mom died 3 weeks ago. Unlike you it was expected but she was young and the end of her disease was a real trial.. I was feeling really stressed out about whether my uBPDbf would be there for me or not.. turns out it's been quite cyclical, he was there for me a lot but he went back home a few hundred miles from here Saturday and since then he withdrew emotionally and isn't even talking to me...

It is so hard to keep being the emotional caretaker in such a heartbreaking situation, having the pain of the loss cumulated to the pain of feeling let down by the person we love. I don't know about you, but I would have liked to just be able to surrender to my SO care and love and to feel entirely safe with him in such a moment. Alas it's not possible, their emotional struggles don't end when ours start. :/

I don't know if I have any advice to give because I am struggling myself to accept his behaviour. I'm trying to remind myself that he just doesn't have the emotional skills of an adult; when he has crisis phases, he is emotionally reacting like a child and it makes it less painful for me to try and see that and accept that.

I know it's easier said than done because I also do it myself but when they're having an episode it is often useless to try and reach to their reasonable part: it's not available yet. If she is overwhelmed by emotions she may not understand the language of logic and reason. It can really be astonishing sometimes, when my boyfriend had episodes during my mom terminal illness and I would tell him stuffs like "My mom is ABOUT TO DIE, can't you see I'm the one needing support now?" he just wouldn't get it, I'll have to wait until the crisis was ended for him to come to me, apologise and actually be there for me.

Does it mean you can expect no support from her? I can't tell you, you know how she works. If she's currently having an episode because she got triggered by the drinking, maybe she will come around when she calms down. In the meantime it's probably best not to expect anything from her (who knows how long it will take her to get to that point?) because having expectations and seeing they're not met may add to your grief and pain and you probably don't need that at the moment. I think I would have send my SO a message explaining with non-blaming words my situation and why I need support from them, and that I prefer not to talk to them if they are not able to control their moods at the moment. And let them come when they're ready.
Do you have other people available to emotionally support you?

Anyway, this is a horrible situation to go through, you're not alone going through this, every situation is unique of course but I can imagine how it must be for going through something similar. I'm here if you need to talk.

[zachira]

I send my condolences on the sudden death of your mother. People with BPD and/or NPD are usually only able to put themselves first, and in the case of the death of a parent of a partner, the personality disordered individual can be extremely upset that their partner's attention is not exclusively focused on him/her.

[esmerelda72]

thank you Melissinde.  that helped massively.  its true that she hasnt always been able to cope when its me that needs support...when i'm a rock all is well, but life has the habit of throwing things at us when we least expect it and thats when i am not so rock like and need my SO to be so. 

i did as suggested and clearly laid out what i needed from her and that if she wasnt in a position to do that then thats ok but i wasnt in a position to hold emotional issues for her at this time.

she called me, apologised and we had a really deep talk about how it was for me and how it was for her.  i know that she doesnt have the emotional skills and maturity to cope with me being anything other than strong and solid - yet sometimes i forget that when i am knee deep in my own stress and my brain and heart just want to be held and supported - that she isnt always able to.  and yes, that adds to the grief. and all that extraemotional energyi have had to lay out with her and this issue just exhausted me at this time...why isnt it easy hey.

as we know, their emotional turmoil doest end when our starts and that reminded me to have compassion for her and that she is always going through some sort of crisis on some kind of level even when thinsg are good for me, and for us.  i suppose its another lesson in this disorder is that when she can be there for me, i can surrender and appreciate it, and when she cant, then is when i love myself and soothe myself and seek support where i can.

yes i do have quiet a solid tribe of supportive friends who i know i can turn to - just wanted my SO tobe there.  i am accepting her love and support right now, knowing that it might disppear at any moment but really cherishing it whilst it lasts.

Zachira - thank you. yes i think there is a little bit of that running for her too.  she asked if she thinks i might come home before mums funeral and i felt she was a bit upset that i had not given the drama my full attetnion adn as mentioned above, i called it what it was and told ehr what i needed and then ended the conversation.  drama over then.

thanks guys x