Boundaries and Rejection

[PartnerinDevon]

Hello All,
This is my first post on this board and I can't describe my relief in finding this.  I have been in a 1 year relationship with a man with multiple diagnoses one of which is borderline. 
I am struggling with understanding if I should just let go of the relationship or if it is worth persevering.
Potted history he is currently in inpatient treatment with the intention of drying out before titrating onto a theraputic dose of lithium.  This, after 9 months of acute mental health problems has resulted in me living on eggshells waiting for the next bomb to drop.
My whole life has begun to revolve around him and his illness (es).  We had 3 suicide attempts in the past 14 days.  (I got him into inpatient on Monday)  He has been drinking, gambling (he is £20k in debt) and has been using hard drugs on occasion to cope with his depression and anxiety.
I have an 8-year-old daughter who has been exposed to his repeated anxiety, rage and depression for the past 4 months due to the intensity of lockdown.
I can't cope anymore.  He is in hospital and seems to be seeing it as a posh holiday rather than a time to turn his life around.
Our relationship is high conflict most of the time and despite the coaching and therapy I have done and years of 12 step recovery I cannot seem to figure out how to keep safe in his passive aggressive anger and repeated calls for help.
I set a boundary today with him around not gambling or drinking in my house when he gets out and he has thrown it back into my face saying I don't remember myself how hard it was to get sober.
I believe that common sense is that IF he chooses to "dump" me again I am going to let him go.
I just am exhausted.
Any help would be amazing.
D in Devon

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hello All,
This is my first post on this board and I can't describe my relief in finding this.  I have been in a 1 year relationship with a man with multiple diagnoses one of which is borderline. 
I am struggling with understanding if I should just let go of the relationship or if it is worth persevering.
Potted history he is currently in inpatient treatment with the intention of drying out before titrating onto a theraputic dose of lithium.  This, after 9 months of acute mental health problems has resulted in me living on eggshells waiting for the next bomb to drop.
My whole life has begun to revolve around him and his illness (es).  We had 3 suicide attempts in the past 14 days.  (I got him into inpatient on Monday)  He has been drinking, gambling (he is £20k in debt) and has been using hard drugs on occasion to cope with his depression and anxiety.
I have an 8-year-old daughter who has been exposed to his repeated anxiety, rage and depression for the past 4 months due to the intensity of lockdown.
I can't cope anymore.  He is in hospital and seems to be seeing it as a posh holiday rather than a time to turn his life around.
Our relationship is high conflict most of the time and despite the coaching and therapy I have done and years of 12 step recovery I cannot seem to figure out how to keep safe in his passive aggressive anger and repeated calls for help.
I set a boundary today with him around not gambling or drinking in my house when he gets out and he has thrown it back into my face saying I don't remember myself how hard it was to get sober.
I believe that common sense is that IF he chooses to "dump" me again I am going to let him go.
I just am exhausted.
Any help would be amazing.
D in Devon

Hi D - and welcome...

You have found a great place! Happy you have found it = sorry that you are here - if you understand the irony.

My sense is that you already know the answer to your question - and it lies somewhere in the first few of the 12 steps - or maybe 11 and 12. 

As my own T said to me (I am divorced now) - it is much easier to get into a relationship than to figure out if you should get out of one. 

So I would like to offer a suggestion.  Sit with your words for a bit.  Let them sink in. And when you are ready, read them out loud to yourself in the mirror. How do you feel when you do this? What do you hear?  Is it clear?

Reach out any time.

Good luck.

Be safe.

Rev

[PartnerinDevon]

Thank you @Rev. I had a conversation with a coach today who pointed at the truth. It was some.of the most profound thing I have ever heard

Why do I believe that by taking care of myself and my daughter I am not taking care of him too?
So by setting a boundary with him and stating categorically he cannot drink or gamble in my home as this leads to relapse and chaos I am taking care of him too.
He may not like it but the boundary is simple. I am not the cause of his problems or solution to them. If he doesn't want to get help I can't force that. I love him and know that his wisdom will guide him. My wisdom and common sense states it makes no sense to try and make him my 'cause'
So the boundary has been set and now I will have to see what happens and let go.

Would love your and others further views.

D in Devon

[Rev]

Thank you @Rev. I had a conversation with a coach today who pointed at the truth. It was some.of the most profound thing I have ever heard

Why do I believe that by taking care of myself and my daughter I am not taking care of him too?
So by setting a boundary with him and stating categorically he cannot drink or gamble in my home as this leads to relapse and chaos I am taking care of him too.
He may not like it but the boundary is simple. I am not the cause of his problems or solution to them. If he doesn't want to get help I can't force that. I love him and know that his wisdom will guide him. My wisdom and common sense states it makes no sense to try and make him my 'cause'
So the boundary has been set and now I will have to see what happens and let go.

Would love your and others further views.

D in Devon

Seriously - as in I am not being flippant - you have laid down that boundary. That is what takes the most amount of guts - the day you just say - I am just done with this - whether it's a bottle - or putting up with abuse - or ... whatever.

That day - as you well know - it the day you say ... "Now what" - cause you just don't know the day to day details of what it's going to look like.  Right?

So now - who do you trust. You don't trust him.  You don't trust you. You maybe trust your T - or your sponsor - or anybody else who speaks truth into your life.  AND - you trust your higher power.

My sister - you so got this.  No matter what happens... stay or go - you ... got... this.

Prayers for peace and light and courage and confidence headed your way.

Be blessed. Be a blessing. Stay safe.

Rev