Protecting Myself from Physical and Emotional Abuse by Family Members

[zachira]

I have been in a bad spot the last few days while doing everything I can to stay calm and grounded. I am now getting back to baseline, yet I feel I have a lot of work to do on not contributing to the ongoing escalating abuse of me by my siblings and other family members. Several years ago while I was sleeping in a room with my niece, my sister walked in and punched me, saying she was mad about something I had said earlier in the day. The next day I told my sister I would kill her if she ever put her hands on me again. She has never hit me again.
My sister and BIL have made it clear that they do not want me at the cottage this September, which is usually my time, and they want to be there. I told them I will be there. I have continually made all kinds of concessions and this has just escalated to the point, that my sister and BIL want me to pay for the cottage, not use it, and have the cottage be the way they want it. My sister has NPD. We have fought for years over the fact that she wants the renters to use the bedspread badly stained with semen that is on the bed in the master bedroom where she stays. This is my last chance until next year to get my personal belongings out of my brother's house and to get an appraisal of the cottage so it can be sold. I do not know if I will go at all because I have to fly and I am high risk for dying of coronavirus because of my health. We are a few weeks away from September. I want to do everything I can now to heal, be the person I need to be, so I can stay calm and collected, no matter how horribly my sister and BIL treat me. I am working on not letting this rent space in my head, while trying to become stronger and more able to deal with the ongoing stress and fear I will be harmed by my sister. I have decided I will call the police if she hits me again. What advice do you have for me on how to deal with the escalating tensions between me and my siblings? My sister and BIL create their own drama, my sister getting angry for no reason, and my BIL and sister considering me the source of all the tension in the air. Last summer, I kept my calm when I was staying in the cottage with my sister and BIL while I was there for my mother's memorial service. My sister just seemed more and more upset, the more I kept my cool and did not let her presence bother me. It helped to have my niece there because she was kind to me, and her parents I think do have a certain amount of shame about acting badly in front of their daughter. My sister unmercifully abused her MIL when she had to live with them for a couple of months after her house was flooded. I know because my sister told me how she treated her MIL, and the MIL clearly did everything to get along.
What do you think I should do now to prepare myself for more emotional abuse, and hopefully not physical abuse? I desperately want to sell all the properties and not have anything more to do with my siblings. What do you think will happen if I call the police if my sister attacks me while I am sleeping? To me, this is all about being the best person I can be. I do not have the power to change anybody else or control their behaviors.

[madeline7]

I don't really have an answer but I had a thought going through my head while I was reading your post. Through the years, I have allowed myself to be subjected to my uBPD's emotional abuse and enabler Dad's bullying (in a futile attempt to pacify my Mother). But I reacted much differently when there was acting out in front of my kids when they were younger. I acted directly and swiftly and took them out of harm's way. So I began to wonder why I allowed myself to be treated with zero respect, but able to set better boundaries for others. So what I am working on now is to consider myself worthy of that respect, and set healthy boundaries for myself as well. So my gut reaction is to say to you "Stay out of harm's way. Don't put yourself in a situation that may lead to emotional and/0r physical abuse". The cottage, the belongings are not as valuable as your emotional and physical safety. Of course there are many layers to your scenario, and you may need to do what's necessary for the estate, finances, etc. But if this was someone else asking, what would you suggest to them? Know that I support any decision you make, but I am concerned about you being in a toxic environment.

[zachira]

Madeline7,
Thank you so much for your caring reply and concerns for my safety. I am thinking along the lines you are. What has always worked with my family members with BPD and NPD is to have other people present they want to look good in front of. I really should not be at the cottage with my sister and BIL without having someone else there with me. It is looking more and more like I won't get to the cottage this year as it seems like it will not likely be safe for me to fly. My sister and BIL have had all summer to drive up to the cottage and stay there. My sister sent me an email a couple of months ago saying they were going to take the cottage in September, the usual time I have there. I replied I would be there too. Now they are demanding that I go in August while they take September, the most likely time it would be safe for me to fly. I have taken a stand saying I will be there. I will make my decision at the last moment whether to go or not, and will not let my sister and BIL in on my plans. I am planning to make contact with the local DV resources if I do indeed go. I may go in November and try to stay with the neighbors. I just want to get the ball rolling, get the cottage assessed, and see if I can buy my sister out before next year.
I know with your mother you have had to be so patient and I feel for you. I know how it just gets so tiring and frustrating to be mistreated. You are like a lot of people on this site, who went it came to being a parent, you were not going to allow your children to be abused by your parents the way they abused you.
I am now at a point where the abuse cannot continue to escalate. I have bent over backwards, and let my sister have the weeks when the other relatives are there. My sister often blows up when relatives and other people pay attention to me.
I think my sister and BIL are getting worse with age.
Do you have any advice on how and where to draw the line in the sand with my sister and BIL?

[madeline7]

I think that there is no good answer as to where to draw the line with people who are not reasonable, not considerate, not rational, etc. It has taken me a long time to realize that my uBPDm will not change. And this pandemic has highlighted the need for what my DH calls a PPR, pandemic priority re-set. My priorities are shifting, and as I continue to detach and work towards radical acceptance, my response would be to stay away from volatile situations. For me they trigger anxiety and then I feel ashamed that I allowed myself to be manipulated. I used to see this as a weakness and now I am seeing that this is more of a strength. I truly wish I had a suggestion about how you can approach your family, but I am at a loss.  I hope someone else adds to your post and can help.

[Harri]

Do you have any advice on how and where to draw the line in the sand with my sister and BIL?

Every time I see this expression, I think of declaring war.     Can you elaborate?

[zachira]

Harri,
What I mean, is it makes no sense to put up with the ongoing accelerating abuse from my sister and BIL. Luckily, my brother and I are getting along for now and I am hoping to get all my things out of his house before he has another meltdown. My sister and BIL keep accelerating their emotional and financial abuse of me as 50 percent owner of the cottage as I make endless one sided concessions to give them exactly what they want. Their refusal to take me into consideration when I have to fly and they can drive and come anytime during the summer is just way over the top. I do have to take some kind of stand. I am thinking of telling them that if they are decent to me while I am at the cottage with them, I will give them July as always, otherwise no. I have told them I plan to be on my best behavior. My sister is just getting more jealous of me, blowing up at me in front of others, as I just ignore most of her meltdowns as best I can. She has enlisted my BIL to be her defender, and as parents they have always put my sister's outrageous demands and rages before the wellbeing of their children. There has to be a limit and what that is I don't know. If I can get to the cottage, get it assessed and buy my sister out, that would be the best. My BIL is totally codependent and tolerated my sister terrorizing his mother for a couple of months when she had to live with them because her house was flooded.The ideal solution is to go permanent NC with my siblings after all the properties are sold. I want an end to all the toxic drama with my siblings ASAP. Being a doormat for my sister is not going to work. I finally realized my sister meets the criteria for NPD. I want to stop obsessing about all this, and writing about the worst case scenario of my sister physically abusing me as she has in the past, is really helping me to calm down. I have increased my mindfulness practices on a daily basis so I can get back to baseline more quickly. I may not get to go to the cottage at all, or have to go as soon as it is possible which could be late fall or next spring.

[zachira]

Madeline7,
You are indeed right that it is best to stay away from volatile situations. I am not sure how I can handle a surprise visit from my sister and BIL with her just getting more volatile with age and he more determined to defend her. My BIL did not always take her side. When she attacked me around 20 years ago, he clearly knew she was in the wrong and did not defend her. Now it seems like he is terrified of her meltdowns and always walking on eggshells to keep her from destabilizing. As you can see, I am struggling over whether to be at the cottage when they are there. I have no control over when they may decide to come. As my sister alway says, it is her cottage.
The coronavirus is one of my biggest challenge right now. I am high risk for dying from the coronavirus or suffering serious complications because of my health. I will not know until the last minute if I can fly. I may have to be patient for another year and put up with more abuse from my siblings. At the same time, I am grateful to be able to pay my bills and have the wonderful friends that I do have, and the  support of the people on this site.
My question is what boundaries to set with my sister. I certainly do not want to lower myself to her level. I also think I probably should have called the police when she attacked me in the middle of the night in front of her daughter nearly twenty years ago, and then maybe again that would not have worked out so well.
The truth is I never can predicate when the meltdowns from my siblings are coming. I so badly want to be done with them.
Thank you for all your support and reading this post. It seems like the same old story over and over again, with possible positive outcomes or things just continuing to deteriorate.

[zachira]

I spoke to a distant cousin today and he understands the problems with my siblings. I can likely stay at his house if my sister is getting so dysregulated I fear she may physically abuse me. I also can probably get one of his nephews to accompany me to my brother's house to get my things. Right now, it looks like I will not be going to the cottage this year as the cases of coronavirus are rapidly increasing. I have arranged for some distant cousins to be the executors of my will, so my things will go to the people who mean the most to me. It was good to talk to this cousin, who has always supported me, and has not joined in with the first cousins as part of the smear campaigns against the several family scapegoats designated as such since birth. Thank you for listening and your support. I needed to think this one through and stop worrying.

[madeline7]

Sounds like the talk with your cousin was helpful, and unfortunately the cases of covid 19 are spiking, so that is in a way answering the question about getting on a plane and going to the cottage. I am not high risk, but due to an illness earlier this year, and due to my age, my Dr. wants me to "hunker" down in September. There is absolutely nothin good about this pandemic, however it is making certain decisions easier for me. And I won't lie when I say that not being able to visit my Mom in a residential care facility has been a relief. So I am glad that you will be safe, physically, emotionally and medically speaking as well. And yes, there is safety in numbers, and having someone with you when you need to get your things will be important. It sounds like things may take longer, but they will work out.

[zachira]

Madeline7,
Thank you for sticking this one out with me. I just know I can't continue to be a doormat for my brother's, sister's and BIL's abuse, in addition to their supporting cast of family members. Trying to cooperate, be generous, do what they ask, is not working. It seems to make them angry and see what they can do next to stick a dagger in my heart.
It felt so good to talk with my cousin. Now the abuse is no longer a secret. I have family members who I know will likely give me shelter if I need it if there is a threat to my safety and probably go with me to my brother's house when I go to get my things. For the present, it helps to relieve my ongoing anxiety and night terrors. When we are abused and we don't live with the abuser, we need to be able to be in peace as much as possible. I really can't say this for someone who lives with an abuser, as they need to be on constant alert so they don't get hurt or killed.
I am glad you are getting some relief from not seeing you mother, as you can't go visit her right now. I hope this is helping you to heal and feel safer. I am wondering if this long break from your mother will help you to not be so affected by how she mistreats you when you are able to visit her. I also hope you are in good health now and the time you are hunkered down does bring some peace and joy to you.
Thank you just does not seem to be enough to say how much I appreciate your support.

[madeline7]

Is this what unconditional support feels like? If so, I like it and it's great to know we can help each other through these turbulent times.

[zachira]

Yes, I think this is what unconditional support looks like. When we are dealing with abuse, it is natural that sometimes we are going to have to do things that don't make much sense to others and things that most people would not support. In most cases, we put our best foot forward with people we trust. With an abuser, sometimes we have to take actions that seem downright mean and self serving. For example, I really don't like bad mouthing my siblings to the relatives. I don't want to try to brainwash them into disliking my siblings or disrespect their right to feel differently than I do about my siblings. If I do buy the cottage from my sister, I think it would be wise to get some things I want before she comes to get some things that are hers. I fully expect her to take everything she feels entitled to like she did with my mother's belongings. Do I feel good doing this? No. It is like I really have two bad choices, and I really don't know now what I will do. I certainly don't want to lower myself to my abusers' levels.
Thank you for your unconditional support. Post anytime about things you are thinking about, including maybe some things you really don't want to say anywhere else. I often wished my mother would die, and sometimes I wish my siblings would drop dead. I realize I loved my mother and love my siblings even though they don't love me. That is what separates me from them, as they are incapable of loving another human being as they don't love themselves.

[Harri]

What I mean, is it makes no sense to put up with the ongoing accelerating abuse from my sister and BIL.

Agreed.  I don't want anyone to put up with abuse and I am sorry you have to deal with this.  It has been a long hard road for you.

I do think there is a middle place between being a "doormat for your sister" (your term) and drawing a line in the sand (declaration of war - where my head goes when I hear or read the phrase you wrote).  We work on finding the middle here, or try to.  Sometimes, in some situations, there is no middle.  I know it was that way when I finally stopped my mom from using and abusing me sexually.   

Sounds like you have made peace with this though.  I am glad you are feeling better and reach out here when you need to.

[zachira]

Harri,
Thank you for your wisdom and all the hard work you do on this site.
I am as much at peace as I can be with it for now. It is unlikely I will make it to the cottage this year, because I have to fly. This means putting off the things I intended to get done this year: 1) Get my things out of my brother's house before he has another major meltdown and starts blaming me for whatever he is feeling. 2) Evaluate buying and/or selling the cottage, so next year I don't have to deal with my sister and BIL wanting the cottage for themselves with me paying half the bills. I still can't wrap my head around them deciding a couple of months ago, they would just do September while they are working from home and within driving distance, and expect me to just suddenly make a plane reservation to come earlier. I am in the process of accepting that my sister has NPD and my BIL is codependent, and I can expect the worst from them.
I am so sad you were sexually abused by your mother. Yes, you did have to totally say no to that.
I am working on becoming stronger inside so I don't take on the negative emotions of others, including those of my siblings and BIL. It has just such a long journey. I need to spend more time looking at what I am grateful for. I am grateful to be able to pay my bills despite the pandemic. I am grateful that I am not as impaired as my two sibling who remind me of mom who  had more and more meltdowns while blaming others for her unhappiness as she aged. I do have my challenges, and am far from a perfect person, and I am capable of growth and change unlike so many of my personality disordered relatives.
Yes, sometimes there is no middle ground. I hate having to plot about what I am going to do, and likely going to be accepting more painful losses. I would like to get the pain over with and move on.
I hope you are doing well, with your health challenges, and not too impacted by the pandemic. I know you said before you are mostly housebound so things haven't changed that much for you. Stay safe and take care!

[Harri]

I am doing well thanks. 

I hate having to plot about what I am going to do, and likely going to be accepting more painful losses.

I hear you.  Family members can make things more complicated and it hurts to have to limit things and plan.  It is what it is though right?   We will manage well and get through it... dammit!    In the meantime that is what you have us for!

Is there anyone who can pack up your things and ship them to you?  Crazy idea:  would your brother do it while in a lull so to speak?  Crazier idea:  are they things you can let go of?

I am with you Z.  I too have a lot to be thankful for.  It helps get through the rough parts.

[zachira]

Harri,
I really don't want everything shipped to me as there are many things I want to throw out. I have had very limited access to what used to be my mom's house for two and half years, so I really need to see what is there. My brother I believe will play the cat and mouse game with me. He says I can only come to his house for a few hours. He has promised not to talk to my sister about me, and not to talk to me about my sister. (We will see how long he sticks to this.) I got the lawyer to get him to agree to let me store my things and to have a professional do an assessment of mom's things before I agreed to sell the house to my brother. The problem is there were no pictures, and my brother absolutely refused to follow the instructions in the will that all three siblings were to get together at one time to look at mom's things, even though the lawyer insisted several times he do so. My siblings and BIL are just so screwed up. They are going to do what they are going to do, and I may have to give up on getting my things just like I gave up on getting any of mom's belongings.
I am glad you are doing well and feeling thankful for what you do have. Thank you for listening and trying to understand where I am at. I think it is important to post my worst fears, so I can actually figure out what actions to take. Of course, I have to be flexible as I never know when my siblings and BIL will do something cruel and irrational to have control and deliberately upset me. All three of them are passive aggressive. The good thing is I think I finally get who they are, so I am less overwhelmed and surprised by whatever they do to hurt me.