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Author Topic: World turned upside down Part 2  (Read 605 times)
Frankee
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« on: June 17, 2020, 03:08:20 PM »

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344302.0

There isn't a financial agreement.  My saving graces right now is I have been back to work and my parents have the boys for now.

He's been calling and texting.  I only answer the absolute necessary.  When he asks about the boys, I will answer and tell him what's going on.  I already told him I'm not coming home.  Something that is concerning is he said.. I know you feel trapped and it makes you miserable. You have to get away or you feel like you'll explode. I'm sorry. But you always came back.  This is a problem in itself.  I have left so many times and I have come back everytime.  Now it's almost as if it's part of a cycle.  I smacked my forehead when I read that and thought.. oh great.

It's been a lot easier to just say.. whatever to his messages and calls.  It's the exact same promises I have heard everytime.. he said 50/50 which I am okay with.  He wants to see both boys 50/50 and I'm okay with that too.  I don't want to hurt either of my boys because we can't be together.
« Last Edit: June 21, 2020, 09:25:23 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2020, 03:50:56 PM »

Isn't it time for an agreement?

Best

FF
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Frankee
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« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2020, 04:09:05 PM »

It is time.  I'm going to figure it all out when I find a place to go.  I only have tonight and tomorrow night at the motel.  I can probably stay somewhere our of town for cheaper if push comes to shove, but I don't want to keep spending my savings.  I got a couple more numbers I am going to call and talk to people. 
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« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2020, 04:41:20 PM »


Most states/counties have a child support enforcement office.  They would be able to guide you through the starting and completing the process.

Many times they can help people do it for little or no cost.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2020, 07:36:38 PM »

Frankee, I agree you need some type of agreement that lays out visitation and possibly puts him on child support.

Since the boys are with your parents, is it possible for you to break all communication for a few days to get yourself some space? He's going to keep pressuring and trying to manipulate you. Don't fall for his feigned empathy. Yes, you have returned many times but you have been extremely limited in options and unfortunately that is one of the main reasons abuse victims return.

Take some time and get yourself a plan without the added stress if dealing with him.
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« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2020, 10:05:59 PM »


I realize that getting a new number and a new email address is painful, yet I think that might be best.

You need a clear head.  All of this contact has to be having an effect (even if you "feel" like it isn't)

Basically...my advice is to be deliberate about any and all measures to eliminate contact with him.

Eliminate.

He is a violent boundary buster 

Do NOT try to "be reasonable". 

Best,

FF
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Frankee
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« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2020, 08:39:10 PM »

I'm going to worry about the courts and a financial agreement once I figure out where I'm going.  My parents helped me with renting a car.  I've been calling shelters around, but they are full.  I have a very distinct feeling that because the boys aren't with me, the urgency isn't as hard pressed.  Everytime before I left, I had both boys or my youngest with me and they always made room.  Catch 22 I guess. 

I was trying to spare them dealing with this, but it has left me sleeping in my rented car tonight.  It could be worse I guess.  I could be dealing with his BS, getting into another fight, be sleeping on the streets or a homeless shelter if I didn't have the car.  I haven't gone hungry.  I don't eat much anyways and I've been getting cheap meals.  I bought a cooler to keep drinks in and food items that don't require to be heated up, cooked, or put in the fridge.

I have gotten to a point where I am so use to surviving on little to nothing, making things work even when it seems impossible, sleeping in different places, even on charter buses, crossing country with two small kids to escape.. that this doesn't even bother me that much.  It's a depressing notion, but I keep telling myself.. it could be far worse.  And I'm away from him.  That in itself makes me extremely happy.

In a way, I have learned skills that may not have otherwise been needed.  Being with him, I have grown in ways I did not expect, did not plan for, and some I did not even want.  It is what is it.  I've learned from mistakes before with going back and leaving.  One of the best things I have done is learning from it all.
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« Reply #7 on: June 21, 2020, 09:30:46 AM »

Perhaps the best thing I learned from years in a relationship with an abusive partner with personality disorders is to pay attention to behavior, not words.

What are some of the things you've learned, both about yourself and about your relationship?
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« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2020, 09:40:04 AM »

I'm going to worry about the courts and a financial agreement once I figure out where I'm going. 

Is this wise?  Would this not push off relative financial security further into the future?

There may be a good reason for delay, I'm not understanding it at the moment.

From what I know of these child support places, they can transfer files to other jurisdictions if needed.

Certainly it's a question to ask and understand the answer.  Not a place for assumptions.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2020, 08:35:18 PM »

There reason why I was waiting on worrying about the financial agreement these past few days is because I was sleeping in the back of a van and a cheap motel.  I was extremely stressed out that my parents were going to call my to pick up my youngest boy and I would have no where to take him to.

I finally got into a shelter today.  It's a bit of a commute back to where I was, but they offer transportation.  I called this morning and they had a bed, so I came in earlier.  Now that I have a place to stay at, I can shift my focus towards the financial, child support, and all the other court paperwork.

My girlfriend sent me a link to a page that talks about reactive abuse.  It was scary how much it sounded like me and I found it a very informative and helpful article.

I have been reading articles and watching YouTube videos on toxic abusive relationships.  I realized today he also financially abused me.  He was abusive in almost every form there is.

I learned that I have failed a lot.  I have tried, time and time again to get things right.  Everytime I failed, I was learning what not to do next time and what I needed to to differently.  I told my girlfriend that I know I still have my heart.  Places like the shelter remind me that I'm not alone.  Other women have been hurt by ones they loved, even if it wasn't due to a mental illness.  It disturbs me to think there are abusive men like my ex that may not have mental illnesses.. that they are the real monsters.  Then I realize I'm doing it again.  Excusing his behavior on his mental illness when I know mental illness and abuse don't always go hand in hand.

I cried when I got into my room.  Today is my birthday.  No parties, no family, no friends, no big celebration or cake or presents.  My parents gave me money to help which is better than any materialistic thing.  I told the intake lady and she said, pray that you are here to see another day and that almost made me cry.
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« Reply #10 on: June 21, 2020, 09:20:48 PM »

So sorry you aren’t having a good birthday, but perhaps this year will be the beginning of much better birthdays in the future. In the meantime, let me wish you as happy a birthday as possible for the rest of the evening.

 Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post)

I want to address this idea that you’ve “failed”.  How about we call it “feedback” instead of “failure”?

You tried some things that didn’t work. Now you know. So now you can try other things that could have a better chance of getting the outcomes you want.

Isn’t that what life is all about? We try things and we adjust.

You’ve given your ex a lot of second chances. What he chose to do with those opportunities lets you know something important. And from there, you can make a more informed decision about the next phase of your life.
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« Reply #11 on: June 22, 2020, 03:39:47 PM »

Thank you cat.

I'm cutting contact.  The boys are with my parents.  I know what bills needs to be pay.  I have them written down.  There is no need to talk to him.  Same as last time.  Just about bills and kids.  

I feel like I am going through the same motions I did last year, but not going to let it go this time.  I'm tired of being nice.  Nice gets me nothing but ran over with him.  I'm putting my foot down and making sure I get this stupid divorce.  I have to get the divorce, because if I don't, he will always hold on to hope.  All hope is gone.
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« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2020, 09:03:34 PM »

Dear Frankee,

I have followed your story for a some time now, and no - hope is not gone  - quite the opposite for YOU.

 You have come  a very long way, but there will be calm and light soon. For you and for kids.
You should be very  proud of yourself, Frankee!
Thinking about you and sending a big hug,

Vincenta
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Frankee
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« Reply #13 on: June 25, 2020, 07:24:55 AM »

Dear Frankee,

I have followed your story for a some time now, and no - hope is not gone  - quite the opposite for YOU.

 You have come  a very long way, but there will be calm and light soon. For you and for kids.
You should be very  proud of yourself, Frankee!
Thinking about you and sending a big hug,

Vincenta
Thank you so much for the kind words.  I felt like such a failure, having to return to him last year when I couldn't make it on my own.  I know that now I have to make it work.

I laid in bed last night, thinking of times from years ago.  How much hurt.  He use to tell me I need to let go of the past.  In a way that is true, but we also need to learn from the past. 

I remember who I was back then and I get angry.  I wish I could go back to the first time he hurt me, because I know now if I was the person I am today, it would of ended there.

I want to be a nurse, but I also want to help women and kids that have been hurt.  I'm not sure how to make those two connect, but I feel the need to give back somehow.

Just one day at a time.
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« Reply #14 on: June 25, 2020, 07:58:17 AM »

I want to be a nurse, but I also want to help women and kids that have been hurt.  I'm not sure how to make those two connect, but I feel the need to give back somehow.

As painful as it is, all you've been though has given you a very deep understanding of dysfunctional relationships, human conflict, and mental illness. This is profound.

You will have a much deeper sense of empathy and compassion for your patients than someone who hasn't walked in your shoes.

As you said, take one day at a time. You know what you want and keep moving toward your goal.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #15 on: June 26, 2020, 11:55:22 PM »

You're moving forward, frankee, a little bit at a time. I tried several times to leave and fear of supporting myself and the kids caused me to return all but the last time. It's hard, and many women unfortunately return to the abusive relationship because they can't find adequate support to help get them on their feet.

Yes, he will tell you to let go of the past. That means he wants to wipe it clean and not face any consequences or discomfort because of his actions. Letting go of the past is obviously good, but it's impossible unless it's properly processed, and that can't happen while you are still living in a situation where you are being abused. It takes time and therapy to work through the kind of trauma abuse causes. You shouldn't be expected to just do it on your own, and it's a hallmark phrase for abusers: "just let it go, it's in the past".
Abusers' behavior doesn't affect them the way it affects us. You're not a failure. You're gaining more awareness all the time, and it's empowering you to make choices that will benefit you and your boys.
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« Reply #16 on: June 29, 2020, 12:47:42 AM »

Frankee, like others, I also see you stronger and with more conviction on how to deal with your SO.  You  have accepted the reality of his mental illness and are moving forward. 

I read somewhere that when one is exposed to a R/S with a person with a PD like BPD and/or NPD (and BPDs have their NPD features), you gain a wide perspective of human behaviour and human nature.  You can spot a person with a PD after talking to them at length.  It's like PDs are now on our radar.

Stay strong, Frankee.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Frankee
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« Reply #17 on: June 29, 2020, 07:27:29 AM »

Thank you all for the words of encouragement.  I have been feeling a little lost these last couple days.

I sometimes wonder where do I even start.  I read the old posts and it hurts something awful.  I see where I tried to justify his behavior.  I tried to say it was because of his mental illness.  His upbringing.  All that complete bs.  Up till now where I flat out tell him that his upbringing does not excuse him for treating me the way he did.

I always feel like looking over what I have been through and how far I have come keeps me grounded in the reality. I hear the same promises and pleads every single time I leave.  Nothing ever really changes.  The abuse is still there and I have run completely out of patience for any of it.

I try to keep telling myself, I never did anything to ever deserve to be treated that way. He once asked me why I didn't leave.  I told him.. you threatened to show up at my house, murder everyone inside and burn it down.  I believed him back then.  That's the kind of fear placed in my heart.

I have to allow myself the proper time to heal.  I have to promise myself that I will never ignore a red flag ever again.  I have to love myself and know my worth.  It's going to be a long journey to healing, but it's going to be worth it.
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« Reply #18 on: June 29, 2020, 07:35:32 AM »


Frankee

We are all rooting for you!

What are you hoping to accomplish this week to become more independent?

Can we revisit an issue?  Getting him legally on the hook to provide financial support.  A completely valid concern about starting a process in one jurisdiction and potentially upsetting it by moving to another.

I would certainly feel better about your situation if you made a call to "child support enforcement" and had a chat with them.  Ask them "what if I move to a different county or a different state"?



Best,

FF
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« Reply #19 on: June 29, 2020, 07:47:35 AM »

I have a meeting this morning with housing assistance application and I am going to pop my head into my caseworker's office to set up a time to discuss everything. 

We had talked about a protection order as well.  I'm going to tell her what I have in regards to the incident on Jan 29th. I have my hospital records showing assault.  I have the detective's phone number that I have my statement too.  I have a voicemail from my exbph admitting he hurt me and a text message showing he admitted to hurting me.  I also have a police report number and the officer's number I spoke to on the Monday after he flipped out on me.

It's going to be a process, but I'm going to make this week count.  My youngest comes back next Monday so I need to get the ball rolling this week.

I'm going to break down for her what happened last year and I'm going to be honest about what happened with the courts.  That way she can really help me.
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« Reply #20 on: June 29, 2020, 09:21:25 AM »


Good plans.  Caseworker should have some resources for who can help get started on the financial responsibility.

Also very wise to consider protection orders.

Keep taking steps, I know the journey looks long...you can do this!

Best,

FF
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« Reply #21 on: June 29, 2020, 10:26:32 AM »

I spoke with the housing assessment advocate to get on a waitlist.  She asked some general questions and then 20 questions about my DV situation.  I feel slightly down now.  I answered almost yes to every question.  After answering yes to blacking out and being chocked by his hands, she had to tell me those are statistically the most dangerous DV situations and the most recorded deaths.  Talk about your slap awake.

I have a lot of evidence.  Pictures of broken doors and walls where he punched, hospital records of assault, a statement I made, a police report, a voicemail and text messages admitting he hurt me.  It's a little unnerving.  The COVID19 has made the already slow court system even worse.  I've been reading posts under the law and custody board.

It sucks to say, but maybe his level of violence and craziness will put me at top for need of a safe place to live.

I'm fighting with what I think I know and the reality.  She asked me a question.. has the physical violence gotten worse.  I didn't know how to answer.  I said it's there.  I was better than it was years ago.  That's how completely f***ed this whole situation is.  I don't like having to rehash all the horrible dirty details because it brings up emotions that just completely knocks me on my a$$.

I'm tired.  I want to move on and be happy.  But I know this is just the beginning to a very painful journey.
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« Reply #22 on: June 29, 2020, 10:33:46 AM »

When I ended my relationship with my abusive ex-husband, I had no idea how I was going to manage. I just knew I couldn't go on the way it was.

It's painful to relive the details of what you've been through. I know. But it's a necessary part of healing. I kept all that abuse secret and when I started sharing it with another person, it was like a dam had broken. I couldn't believe all the things that I tolerated, that I forgave, only to have those behaviors happen again, when he said they never would.

I didn't have children, but I did wonder how I'd manage living on rural acreage with livestock, in a trailer, with something always breaking that needed to be fixed.

Well, one step at a time, and I healed from that dysfunctional relationship. I built a little house, which has now turned into a big house, and still there's a lot of work, but now I have most of the skills I need to take care of minor plumbing, electrical, carpentry issues.

What astonished me was that my ex made me believe that he was so capable and I was so incompetent. As I learned how to do a lot of the things that he'd been doing, I realized: 1. he wasn't doing very much  and  2. he wasn't very good at doing what he did.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

The only thing he'd really been good at was undermining my self esteem.

As you said in a previous thread, take one step at a time. You can do it. You are doing it.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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