He's changed...

[McChickenNuggets]

When I met him, he was the most thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate, and sensitive guy. I thought I hit the jackpot. He was charming, nice, HANDSOME, and just great. People envied our relationship.

But behind closed doors he started to be suspicious of me. I would joke that he was a "little detective" as he made interesting observations about what was in my trash, or recent purchases, or something he saw flash on my phone. He would occasionally ask me to show my phone to him -- which was a first for me.

I never cheated. I would go out and he would label me as an alcoholic who would rather drink than work on our relationship. Work on it? Everything was fine, I thought? He told me that I needed to stop drinking if I wanted to continue to be with me. I was shocked, didn't think I had a problem, but eventually caved since I needed to focus on school anyways, etc, etc. But one night while out with my friends, I did have a few drinks. I came home and he confronted me. I got scared and lied. He became so upset. He accused me of being an alcoholic, a liar. I cried. He said I basically cheated on him and dumped me. I caught him looking through my phone in the middle of the night when I was "sleeping" and he admitted that he's been doing that our entire 1.5 yrs we were together. I was devastated.

He chased me for 6 months -- begging for me back -- saying he made a mistake. But it was still hot and cold. He would send me a beautiful love letter then the next letter on how I was cruel, selfish, and unforgiving -- why didn't I forgive him when he forgave me for all my awful behavior?

I took him back but on one condition -- we go to therapy. They suspected paranoid personality disorder. It made sense. We tried to work on things but it became too difficult to manage as my career and education developed.

It was great for the first month, but then it started to get bad again. Our fights could be about anything small really. They would always escalate and I couldn't shake the feeling that he hated me like really hated me. I broke up with him. Later our therapist shared that he might also be Borderline.

It made sense. I spoke with him about it and sent resources. He agreed. It made sense. We cried. I thought things would get better.

We have been trying to work on things but it's getting worse. Our most recent fight was when I asked him if he needed food... I ended up hanging up on him which made the situation worse. He called me unkind, childish, passive aggressive, a liar, sarcastic, and spiteful. He said that I shamed, bullied, belittled, vilified, disrespected, abused, and insulted him. He said that I'm difficult to work with, someone who takes their frustration out on other people, makes wrong assumptions, treats people poorly, expects people to obey everything that I say, expects others to read my mind, labels others, jumps to conclusions, doesn't like others to have an opinion, decides everything, poor communicator, plays favorites, and puts people in impossible situations. (all his words)

This was over a period of 4 hours while I was delivering food to families in need. I finally told him that I needed to study and couldn't continue to engage with him.

What's different? He's not sorry anymore. He feels that I deserve this since I triggered him.

It's heartbreaking when someone who love... hates you. Like I can feel the hatred even though he denies it.

[Babyfangs]

Everything he said about you is exactly what my ex would say to me so you are not alone in having those awful things said about you and none of it is valid.
I’m also so familiar with that feeling of hate from your person NO MATTER what you do or how you behave or change.
There are so many great articles on this site that helped me understand what the relationship was like from my ex’s perspective that might make you feel like it’s less personal and ease your pain a little bit.
Just know I hear and understand you!

[McChickenNuggets]

Everything he said about you is exactly what my ex would say to me so you are not alone in having those awful things said about you and none of it is valid.
I’m also so familiar with that feeling of hate from your person NO MATTER what you do or how you behave or change.
There are so many great articles on this site that helped me understand what the relationship was like from my ex’s perspective that might make you feel like it’s less personal and ease your pain a little bit.
Just know I hear and understand you!

I appreciate your response...
It gets better... when it's less personal?

[once removed]

We have been trying to work on things but it's getting worse.

if this is the case, id encourage you to post on the Bettering board and work out a plan.

this is a breakup board, where members are at least a month out, and committed to detaching. theyre two very different kinds of support.

[FindingMe2011]

When I met him, he was the most thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate, and sensitive guy. I thought I hit the jackpot. He was charming, nice, HANDSOME, and just great. People envied our relationship.

Rest assure the  was there. BPDers use others to create a false self through mirroring...Who couldnt fall in love with themselves? So in a sense you did hit the jackpot. It just doesnt last that long, and for me i spent many years after, trying to get that initial high. It never comes and the cycle has started.



We have been trying to work on things but it's getting worse. Our most recent fight was when I asked him if he needed food... I ended up hanging up on him which made the situation worse. He called me unkind, childish, passive aggressive, a liar, sarcastic, and spiteful. He said that I shamed, bullied, belittled, vilified, disrespected, abused, and insulted him. He said that I'm difficult to work with, someone who takes their frustration out on other people, makes wrong assumptions, treats people poorly, expects people to obey everything that I say, expects others to read my mind, labels others, jumps to conclusions, doesn't like others to have an opinion, decides everything, poor communicator, plays favorites, and puts people in impossible situations. (all his words)


And it wont get better, Getting into therapy with a BPDer becomes a game of sorts. They need individual therapy, just as you should. By you, for you and visa versa...The rest sounds like projection

It was great for the first month, but then it started to get bad again. Our fights could be about anything small really. They would always escalate and I couldn't shake the feeling that he hated me like really hated me. I broke up with him. Later our therapist shared that he might also be Borderline.


Your instincts are spot on, average time of the cycle starting would be 4 weeks. The intimacy fear pushes the abandonment fear and the devaluation begins. Its himself he hates and projects this on you for self preservation. The alternative is annihilation/death to a BPDer

It's heartbreaking when someone who love... hates you. Like I can feel the hatred even though he denies it.

Not exactly but its close enough, again good instincts...May I ask what your instincts tell you now, free of emotions? I wish you well Peace