How do you move on

[grumpydonut]

How do I move on when I can't understand? I don't understand why she strung me along for three months - telling me she wanted to get better - while seeing the man she cheated on me with? Why did she tell me she didn't want to lose me / wish we could still talk the second last time we spoke? Why did she tell me I was a great boyfriend who didn't do anything wrong and was there for her as she needed, only to tell me a week later that I just didn't do enough for her - and thus we couldn't be together again.

Why is she dating him now? Why does it seem like I meant nothing to her? How could someone do this?

[once removed]

im sorry youre having a hard time, man. i remember how those would hit me for months, where id relive and question everything.

its the worst.

things will eventually make sense - in due time, as more of the pain lessens.

do you want to talk about some of these things that happened, that youre asking about? would you rather just talk and get it out?

[grumpydonut]

I want to ask her, but from everything I've read it tells me that I won't find any answer.

Basically, she cheated on June 2019. She begged for me to stay with her. Said it was a mistake and that he meant nothing. Dec 2019 she starts getting weird and moves out to work on herself. Says she wants me to give her until end of Jan. Becomes super distant and cold, and super apathetic. Everytime I say I'm done, she plays victim card and says she doesn't want to lose me. I stay.

In March she says I was a great boyfriend and great person but we can't be together. A week later (our final contact) she says I just didn't do what she wanted me to do, and now it's too late. In this message she says twice "I don't want to lose you" and "I can't be in a relationship and don't know how long I'll need".

Less than a month later I find that she's dating the person she cheated on me with.

[BDR]

Think of the exposure as a blessing . You found out early her character or dysfunction. the closer you get drawn in the harder it is to see. step back and ask why this girl and why you would allow your self to be cheated on and come back for more ? What kind of man do you want to become? Proverbs says above all else guard your heart its the source or wellspring of life . are you being kind to your own heart ? These are questions I wish I would have asked myself years ago.

[grumpydonut]

are you being kind to your own heart

I don't think I'd even know where to start. I just feel shattered. Completely worthless. I don't know what I did to deserve the treatment. Why leave me for the guy she cheated on me with 9 months after the fact? Why beg for me back after cheating, only to eventually choose him? How do you tell someone you love them and can't be in a relationship and don't know how long for, only to immediately start dating the other person...

[Starfire]

You didn't do anything to deserve the treatment, and the reason you'll probably never have answers to the questions is because you're expecting rational thinking and behavior from someone who is incapable of it.

You simply can't apply the same logic in this situation as in most others, and if you're going to try to define the logic your ex uses, you may find some understanding but you'll have to make some giant leaps.

She may have had the other guy "in the wings" all along, or he may have been unavailable to her for those months, or she may have been unsure of his commitment to her.  Perhaps she didn't have him fully on the hook, and one thing's certain, a pwBPD is never going to leave a sure thing for a not-sure thing.  Too risky.

Also, recycling is a thing.  She's going to part ways with you while leaving as much of the door open as possible so that when the new relationship starts to fail, she will feel comfortable knowing you may be ripe to recycle.  That's more risk mitigation on her part.

[Rev]

I don't think I'd even know where to start. I just feel shattered. Completely worthless. I don't know what I did to deserve the treatment. Why leave me for the guy she cheated on me with 9 months after the fact? Why beg for me back after cheating, only to eventually choose him? How do you tell someone you love them and can't be in a relationship and don't know how long for, only to immediately start dating the other person...

HI there,

Yes - this is painful. And yes there is a feeling of being shattered. And there is a way out - and in the beginning it is tough.  But you need to tell yourself that if you do a bit of work to change your thoughts every day - just a bit - and that work is solid - then in six months or so, you will have put some of the pieces back in place.  And some point in all of this, you hit a tipping point where it does in fact get easier.

There are all kinds of tricks one can use - personally I would did CBT and relied heavily on a mentor in the first part. I made lists of all of the difficult and abusive things my ex did to me as a reminder that trying to understand why was not helpful to me - I had a list of pop-psych videos and pod casts that I listened to whenever I needed to hit a reset button. And during all of that my heart started to heal - which is why you need to be kind to it.

Here is one video that I found helpful: https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=dr+ramani+ruminations&&view=detail&mid=1F8901418E33EB42E6FA1F8901418E33EB42E6FA&&FORM=VRDGAR&ru=%2Fvideos%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Ddr%2Bramani%2Bruminations%26FORM%3DHDRSC3

I hope this helps a bit.

Hang in there. Reach out. You'll find great help here.

Rev

[Cromwell]

I relate to wishing to get more understanding.

Was your ex an impulsive person? Could it go some way to finding an explanation, that she did some of these things not through careful design but rather by emotional impulsivity.

[grumpydonut]

Was your ex an impulsive person?

Sort of, but not exactly. She put herself in situations that would get her into trouble for WHEN her impulsive nature took over.

Seems the same here, I guess.

[Rev]

Seems the same here, I guess.

Could you clarify - what is "here" - what is "same" - I think I am missing something that I want to understand because it may shed light on my own situation.

Rev

[grumpydonut]

Would you clarify - what is "here" - what is "same" - I think I am missing something that I want to understand because it may shed light on my own situation.

She was impulsive, but what I noticed is that she put herself in situations where her impulsivity would allow her to do what she always wanted to do anyway.

For instance, the week before she cheated on me, the guy had already tried to kiss her. They'd been texting / sexting / Snapchatting all week (even when she was sitting next to me). On the night that she cheated, she texted me to ask if I thought she should drink.

The guy had asked her for nudes a day or two earlier, yet she thought it wise to go out with him and his friends and then end up at their house? Please. Yes, the act of cheating may have been in impulse, but her actions show a level of planning too.

Rather than "I will go there and PLEASE READ him" they think "I will put myself in this situation, if something happens, it happens".

My thoughts, anyway.

[Rev]

She was impulsive, but what I noticed is that she put herself in situations where her impulsivity would allow her to do what she always wanted to do anyway.

My thoughts, anyway.

Totally relate - although the impulsivity of mine was to leap into conflict without thinking the consequences through. She was, and is, incapable of moving through anything without creating conflict which provokes others into behaving badly, which causes them to second guess themselves, and then she can claim she's the victim, until people wise up, and then she needs to move on. Two years seems to be her cycle.

Thanks.

Rev

[Domino]

Might be worth asking yourself why you want her back?

I'm the same. I feel like I'm kicked in the balls every few weeks yet still go back time after time.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and therapy in the wake of our latest problems. It's made me realise I'm codependent. I grew up with a severely disabled dad. I'm used to relationships where someone relies on me for support. I have some sort of complex where I feel it's my duty to 'save' people.

Do you think you've got something similar? What makes you so desperately want her back when she's treated you so badly? Why do you love someone that's treated you with such contempt? Understanding this might help you let go...

[Cromwell]

She was impulsive, but what I noticed is that she put herself in situations where her impulsivity would allow her to do what she always wanted to do anyway.

For instance, the week before she cheated on me, the guy had already tried to kiss her. They'd been texting / sexting / Snapchatting all week (even when she was sitting next to me). On the night that she cheated, she texted me to ask if I thought she should drink.

The guy had asked her for nudes a day or two earlier, yet she thought it wise to go out with him and his friends and then end up at their house? Please. Yes, the act of cheating may have been in impulse, but her actions show a level of planning too.

Rather than "I will go there and PLEASE READ him" they think "I will put myself in this situation, if something happens, it happens".

My thoughts, anyway.

Im wondering whether she may have been in a state of emotional dysregulation that aggravated the impulsivity to cheat.

They link up with one another. I had to revisit the day my ex cheated on me 3 months in and the build up to finding out. It can present itself subtly, or perhaps another way I look at it today is that a lot of effort in self control and the techniques I expect she will have had in years of therapy may have helped to contain the dysregulation. Other times she would start what Id call as "weird, unexplainable" behaviour and just want to leave the house. Later on, she would be back to normal and when asked would say she just was "having a bad moment" or that she had been triggered.

That can all it take to set off a cascade.  A trigger that may or equally may not have anything directly linked to us but from deeper rooted issues. Cue the emotional dysregulation where rational thinking, wisdom and all the rest take more of a back seat, if they are even embraced at all, who can tell. In those moments, the susceptibility of engaging in reckless behaviour, cheating, falling for impulses that may have not been caved into under a non dysregulated state.

How do you feel that it may have played a part here, what was she behaving like on that day, have you experienced her emotionally dysregulate on other occassions?

[BDR]

I have been through much of what you 2 are talking about. I noticed with my wife trying to draw close with more intimacy  always back fired. if you notice  the affairs and sex hook ups were most likely with very shallow men. I eventually hid phones and recording devices because my wife  had me convinced it was all in my head. My 50 yo wife sounded like a teenager just happy and giddy talking and having phone sex with men at times close to 1/2 her age . for the men it was all about her and how sexy or beautiful she was - but she was trying to draw more out of it -filling that black hole of emptiness,