Hindsight is 2020

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been reading here and learning about BPD over the last few years as support during my relationship with me ex gf/fiancee uBPD. I met this girl through a friend and I was instantly enchanted and felt her attraction to me as well. I soon was on the ride of a lifetime experiencing things like never before. I could tell from the very beginning that she had been hurt or abused in her past and I admired her strength because she is still a beautiful radiant girl who only wants to delight others. Our chemistry was palpable and intoxicating; I thought for once in my life I found an angel who truly was perfect for me. I come from a conservative family and so I had every intention of doing things the "right" way. After only 9 months of dating, I asked her father to marry his daughter and he inspired confidence in me to take this step. I proposed soon and that is when everything started to unravel. Her anxiety and insecurities caused alot of issues, not to mention the stress of wedding planning. That's when I found you all, and I read stop walking on eggshells, which is a great step to understanding a loved one with BPD. I felt like I was constantly putting out fires she started, and even when there was no drama, the impending catastrophe was only a moment away. A miscommunication, untimely text, or trigger could turn Jekyll into Hyde. It was an exercise of patience and love on my behalf to learn and understand why. Eventually I worked up the courage to share with her my suspicions about the BPD and it was received in grace and she said an ex of hers confronted her with the same conclusion. We thought that we could get through it and I asked her to get into therapy. Meanwhile I did all i could to better myself including going to masculine development studies at church and by reading as much as I could about BPD to learn to understand and love my girl. Despite our efforts, the patterns of BPD destroyed our relationship and we cancelled the wedding and broke up. I had never felt such loss.

We took 6months apart and I did more work bettering myself and trying to learn about relationships. Life coach Cory Wayne really inspired me to get back on track to developing myself by pursuing a mission or purpose, so I decided to study for my state boards for engineering. I gained alot of confidence from this and passed my test. Somewhere along that lines, we rekindled some of our relationship and started dating again although at first I was hesitant to only call it FWB because I was very cautious to guard my heart this time. I shared all my development and learnings as did she and I wanted to create a stable relationship at a pace I determined and regulated. I tried to reason with her when she tried to provide her own way claiming we needed to move in together or get married and have kids etc. Unfortunately the same patterns of self-image, black-white thinking, re-interpretations, and insecurities started destroying us again. She blocked me at least once a week when she felt as though she was inadequate or had feelings of dread. At one point, she started turning her phone off at night time to avoid causing drama with me or saying bad things about herself or accusing me of suspicions. Soon I realized, and told her, that I couldn't fix her underlying issues and traumas, and that she needs a therapist who specializes in BPD. Again, I commend her for handling this with grace and I hope she is working on herself. I told her its not her fault, and that she isn't defined by her trauma. I hope she will be a survivor, not a victim. But I knew that unless I got out, I would become the next victim.

Its been about 4 months with no contact. I pushed a lot of my feelings aside with my logical self knowing I tried everything for the woman I loved more than anyone else before.
Suddenly in the last few days I am overcome with extreme sadness and many tears about what happened. By writing this helps me express my emotions. My heart is still very much broken but it goes out to all of you who have had similar experiences.

[LED_Cowboy]

I have been reading here and learning about BPD over the last few years as support during my relationship with me ex gf/fiancee uBPD. I met this girl through a friend and I was instantly enchanted and felt her attraction to me as well. I soon was on the ride of a lifetime experiencing things like never before. I could tell from the very beginning that she had been hurt or abused in her past and I admired her strength because she is still a beautiful radiant girl who only wants to delight others. Our chemistry was palpable and intoxicating; I thought for once in my life I found an angel who truly was perfect for me. I come from a conservative family and so I had every intention of doing things the "right" way. After only 9 months of dating, I asked her father to marry his daughter and he inspired confidence in me to take this step. I proposed soon and that is when everything started to unravel. Her anxiety and insecurities caused alot of issues, not to mention the stress of wedding planning. That's when I found you all, and I read stop walking on eggshells, which is a great step to understanding a loved one with BPD. I felt like I was constantly putting out fires she started, and even when there was no drama, the impending catastrophe was only a moment away. A miscommunication, untimely text, or trigger could turn Jekyll into Hyde. It was an exercise of patience and love on my behalf to learn and understand why. Eventually I worked up the courage to share with her my suspicions about the BPD and it was received in grace and she said an ex of hers confronted her with the same conclusion. We thought that we could get through it and I asked her to get into therapy. Meanwhile I did all i could to better myself including going to masculine development studies at church and by reading as much as I could about BPD to learn to understand and love my girl. Despite our efforts, the patterns of BPD destroyed our relationship and we cancelled the wedding and broke up. I had never felt such loss.

We took 6months apart and I did more work bettering myself and trying to learn about relationships. Life coach Cory Wayne really inspired me to get back on track to developing myself by pursuing a mission or purpose, so I decided to study for my state boards for engineering. I gained alot of confidence from this and passed my test. Somewhere along that lines, we rekindled some of our relationship and started dating again although at first I was hesitant to only call it FWB because I was very cautious to guard my heart this time. I shared all my development and learnings as did she and I wanted to create a stable relationship at a pace I determined and regulated. I tried to reason with her when she tried to provide her own way claiming we needed to move in together or get married and have kids etc. Unfortunately the same patterns of self-image, black-white thinking, re-interpretations, and insecurities started destroying us again. She blocked me at least once a week when she felt as though she was inadequate or had feelings of dread. At one point, she started turning her phone off at night time to avoid causing drama with me or saying bad things about herself or accusing me of suspicions. Soon I realized, and told her, that I couldn't fix her underlying issues and traumas, and that she needs a therapist who specializes in BPD. Again, I commend her for handling this with grace and I hope she is working on herself. I told her its not her fault, and that she isn't defined by her trauma. I hope she will be a survivor, not a victim. But I knew that unless I got out, I would become the next victim.

Its been about 4 months with no contact. I pushed a lot of my feelings aside with my logical self knowing I tried everything for the woman I loved more than anyone else before.
Suddenly in the last few days I am overcome with extreme sadness and many tears about what happened. By writing this helps me express my emotions. My heart is still very much broken but it goes out to all of you who have had similar experiences.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LED Cowboy, Welcome!  It sounds like you did all you could.  Now, it's time to move on.  I suggest you allow your feelings; acknowledge them; work through them; and let the pass.  How to work through them?  That's up to you, but you could: write in a journal, talk to a close friend or family member, take a walk in the woods or on the shore, meet with a T, practice mindfulness, get a physical workout.

You get the idea!  Suggest you return the focus to yourself and your needs.  Practice self-love and self-compassion.  Return to the person you are at your core.  Listen to your gut feelings!

LuckyJim