Life isn't worth living

[zebra18]

I have a 28 year old son with BPD. Growing up, my alcoholic father was diagnosed with BPD. To be given that diagnosis in the 1960's was pretty remarkable. My understanding is he was drunk and ran his car into a ditch. As a courtesy, since he was a doctor, he was directed to get psychiatric help instead of being prosecuted. My mother was actually harder for me to deal with. She was a narcissist of the highest order. As the oldest, and a girl, she fully expected I would be exactly as she was and behave exactly as she wanted me to. She used constant shaming to let me know she did not approve of me as I was. I have dealt with such low self esteem my whole life and it is very draining. Three years ago, my husband of 37 years died suddenly. Grief is also so very exhausting. I find it so hard to be without him. We had one child and, as I mentioned, he is 28. He also has BPD and is a recovering alcoholic, but is not drinking now. He was a difficult child from about the age of 3. When he got upset, there seemed to be no way to calm him. We went to psychiatrists, but maybe we selected the wrong ones. He was hospitalized twice in our local Children's Hospital at ages 8 and 10. He had threatened me with a butcher knife on the first occasion. He always directed his aggression at me, never his father.  What I find especially difficult to handle are the noxious things he says to me when he is angry. I won't list them since they are really vile. He really seems to want to hurt me when he is angry. I feel confused, drained and hopeless. I just want a more peaceful life.  Thank you for reading this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

I understand how you feel when that verbal abuse happens. It is just unbelievable how the nasty words flow - and continue to flow - without pause for breath sometimes. I've been at the end of this now for many years. It used to knock me fore six and I would take a long time to recover. Sometimes I still do. More and more however I understand that these times are truly 'brain fade'. So I don't take them to heart as much. I stay quiet and if this triggers more abuse I just say 'I can't talk while you are so upset. Somehow this works and after a while it de-escalates. Then I try to look after myself for a while so I can recover. It is just so hard to live like this. But this site helps you feel you are not alone.

[Winnie74]

My son is 16 with BPD and his behavior is similar to your son. My son was also diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome in 1st grade. So, he has had many challenges throughout his life. We have gone through many therapists, two out patient programs, and one hospitalization mainly for depression and anxiety. We are beginning with a new therapist tomorrow (virtual). At this point, my son wants to get better. Is your son in therapy? Is he willing to seek help?