Mother w/ BPD. I am sad, angry, and resentful about the situation.

[breadbaker22]

I grew up with a borderline mom and I haven't spoken to her in a little over three years.  Growing up, I was the "identified patient," and the wounds from that are still very palpable. My dad started divorce proceedings almost four years ago.  I knew that the process would be long, ugly, and painful, but the fallout still tears me apart.  I hoped that it would be resolved by the time I graduated from college, but I graduated last month and the divorce is yet to be finalized.

I'm fortunate to be able to stay with my dad at his dad's (my grandfather's) home and my girlfriend came with me, too, but I still feel spells of pervasive sadness about the whole situation.  The coronavirus situation is stressful in itself, as it's hard to plan for a future that is so uncertain.  With these underlying problems, though, I feel overwhelmed and sad and I just don't know what to do.  I'm trying to bake sourdoughs and other types of bread (hence the username) because I've never really had the time to toy around with baking, but it only does so much.

I hate to feel so down, but I am sad, angry, and resentful about the situation.  My mom has been so cruel to me, my father, and my sister for as long as I can remember, yet she'll still try to call me, e-mail me, and write to me as if nothing has ever happened.  I want to be proactive and plan for the future. I'm studying for the LSAT now and I want to go to law school, so I can have a stable career and security in the future.  I like to think of myself as resilient, but it's hard to always keep plowing ahead.

[Methuen]

I knew that the process would be long, ugly, and painful, but the fallout still tears me apart.

When you say "tears you apart", can you describe that a little more for us?

I feel overwhelmed and sad and I just don't know what to do.

You aren't alone.  I think all of us go through a phase like this to varying degrees.  There are a variety of ways to cope and try to manage through this phase.  Baking sourdough bread is an amazing idea!  Very therapeutic on so many levels.  I hope it yielded some satisfying results!  Generally keeping busy is helpful, which it sounds like you are trying to do.  Studying for the LSAT will also help to focus your mind with a goal, but I also really like that it's something for YOU.  Pursuing your own goals, whatever they are, is going to really really help you.  I'm so glad you have a safe place with your dad.

I hate to feel so down, but I am sad, angry, and resentful about the situation.

I don't know if it's helpful, but for me this was a stage.  I got myself out of it in a few ways.  I got emotional support from my family doctor who validated my emotional suffering (he had experience with mental illness with his inlaws and shared that with me).  I got support from this site and forum, and I found a new counsellor who had significant experience with BPD.  I also forced myself to be physically active, because I knew it would help my brain chemicals.  So I did lots of walking and other exercises.  I also worked with a mindfulness app - especially to help with sleep.  And I made it a long-term project to learn about BPD.  Like you, I was sad, angry and resentful, but I had a deep yearning to understand why my mom behaved the ways she did, why she was so mean, why she had to turn everything into a conflict, and well...what the heck did BPD really mean for her and for me?  Eight months later, I'm still learning, but I'm not "depressed" anymore, I wouldn't say I'm "angry" (all the time), and I wouldn't say I'm resentful.  Instead, I'm mostly sad for her because I have a deeper understanding of what made her that way.  I used to be angry because I took all her meanness personally.  Now that I understand it better, it's not personal anymore.  She still makes me mad sometimes, but I'm not carrying "anger" around like a monkey on my back all the time.  So finding the "supports", keeping physically active and managing sleep habits, and educating myself on BPD and how to manage a relationship with a BPD have all been "self care" strategies that have helped me to cope so I didn't fall into an intensely deep depression and get stuck there.  It was pretty bad though for quite a spell.

Another thing I think was helpful for me was allowing myself to grieve the loss of the mom I wanted and always believed I had.  The mom I have, isn't really a mom, she's a child.  It's not a normal relationship.  I had to accept that, and grieve it.  Anger is a normal stage of grieving, especially when they are mistreating us.

Are you familiar with Elizabeth Kubler Ross?  5 stages of grief?  For the most part, she developed this framework around death and dying, but I think it works for grief in different contexts as well.  Some of here have found it helpful, to identify what stage we are at, and realize that some of the phases we are going through, are a normal part of grieving.

https://hdsa.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/13080.pdf

However, not everything follows a formula, so this is also helpful.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/supersurvivors/201707/why-the-five-stages-grief-are-wrong

Know that you are not alone.

Despite Covid, have you been able to stay connected with friends, or supportive family members (in addition to your father)? 

Tell us more when the time is right.  I am imagining your warm fresh sourdough bread right now, and wishing I could try some!  Oh the smell, the texture, the taste, and the comfort of bread made with your own hands!  That is SOO awesome!