Nothing left but harm

[Eevee]

I did not even hear about BPD until after my significant other passed away in 2019.  I knew there were issues, from depression, to anger management, to feelings of inferiority, and I did try to have him get help to no avail.  I tried to maintain a "self" as well, but, to the person, anyone who knew about some the things happening simply told not to put up with what I was putting up with.  I stayed for all the usual reasons, including the fact that I had dealt with a difficult father and thought I knew a better way to be able to make an insecure person feel validated and secure.  But the last couple of years I was getting the emotional crap beat out of me.  I turned to his family for help, but was told they didn't see what I was seeing.  I was also dealing with his own age-related health and memory issues, so it was very difficult to apportion time and energy to mental health.  There was no way I was going anywhere, because he was quite literally dying.

Near the end, a friend started talking about how my significant other had object constancy issues, and that gave me another new term I hadn't heard of.  I had been looking at everything through the lens of depression.  I was devastated when he passed away because I really think he was trying to die, and, of course, I thought that if I could just get it right, I could buy more time to "get it right" much more consistently.  After his death, I spent a lot time (including therapy) trying to figure out what had been going on in my life, because It had all been so surreal for so long.  I thought it might have been some bizarre high-functioning schizophrenia.  I'm not even sure how I came across the description for BPD, but I knew it was dead on, and not just for my significant other, but also for my father, and possibly for another sibling. 

Thus, I am now mired in what seems like a permanent state of PTSD.  All of my days are filled with a combination of grief over loss, grief over what I didn't have, grief over time spent to no avail, and anger.  A whole lot of anger. I've been doing what I've been doing for about six decades.  I knew it wasn't right, but I could not find a way out of it.  Now that I am out of it, it really is no better. 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but after a friend suggested "Stop Walking on Eggshells," I thought I would join the community.  I cannot even read much of the book without having flashbacks that elicit a physical response.  Except, in my case, there are no tips for living with the person with BPD that will be helpful.  For what it's worth, I tended to do all the things suggested (e.g., don't take it personally, disengage, try to set boundaries, don't enable abusive behavior).  None of it did anything.  My whole psyche was defined by the mood swings of my BPD loved ones.  Actually, to a large extent, I was never able to develop my own psyche apart from trying to somehow avoid the outbursts from the BPD loved ones in my life.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Eevee, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your SO last year.  If he suffered from BPD, it's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome, so give yourself a break.  Don't beat yourself up!  The first step, I suggest, is to return the focus to you and your needs.  Put yourself first for a change.  You've been through a lot.  Practice self-love and self-compassion.  Get back to who you are at your core.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Now is the time to start "developing your psyche," as you put it.  Sounds like you lost yourself for a while there in the BPD swamp.  It's a good time to get back on  your path.

LuckyJim