Guilt - wanting to pretend it’s not happening

[Parents! Get help here!]

My son (21 - undiagnosed but fits every symptom and my Dad and Sister had/have BPD) is no longer living with me after a drama filled couple of years with stalking charges, drug addiction etc. He’s in a toxic relationship with a girl with similar issues and the drama cycle and verbal abuse i was getting was making me unwell so I suggested he lived with his Dad. I’ve worked on my codependency issues and my therapist explained not to be too hard on myself as I’m a mum and it’s hard to watch your child in pain. That helped. But I now rarely see my son and feel he only comes when he needs something. It hurts. I’m planning to move 30 mins away and live with my partner (I’d avoided this previously as didn’t want my son to feel abandoned) but I’m Scared I am going to trigger those feelings in him and I feel guilt. I also kind of don’t want to see him and pretend everything is ok which is selfish as I know from his Dad that our son isn’t great as his dads mum died recently..
My son is hurting and I feel bad that I don’t even want to contact him to see how he is.. cos previously he’s told me to eff off and blocked me when I have. I’ve sent a couple of short messages this week which have been unanswered.. I’m feeling guilty for not feeling that interested in the latest drama because if my son had a physical illness I wouldn’t be like this

Bit of a ramble I know..

[Sillyusername]

My son (21 - undiagnosed but fits every symptom and my Dad and Sister had/have BPD) is no longer living with me after a drama filled couple of years with stalking charges, drug addiction etc. He’s in a toxic relationship with a girl with similar issues and the drama cycle and verbal abuse i was getting was making me unwell so I suggested he lived with his Dad. I’ve worked on my codependency issues and my therapist explained not to be too hard on myself as I’m a mum and it’s hard to watch your child in pain. That helped. But I now rarely see my son and feel he only comes when he needs something. It hurts. I’m planning to move 30 mins away and live with my partner (I’d avoided this previously as didn’t want my son to feel abandoned) but I’m Scared I am going to trigger those feelings in him and I feel guilt. I also kind of don’t want to see him and pretend everything is ok which is selfish as I know from his Dad that our son isn’t great as his dads mum died recently..
My son is hurting and I feel bad that I don’t even want to contact him to see how he is.. cos previously he’s told me to eff off and blocked me when I have. I’ve sent a couple of short messages this week which have been unanswered.. I’m feeling guilty for not feeling that interested in the latest drama because if my son had a physical illness I wouldn’t be like this

Bit of a ramble I know..

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Sillyusername,

You mentioned CD and I can with relate with feeling guilty and putting others needs in front of your own. I think that compassion is good but you also need to protect yourself from from harm. It’s good that you protected yourself and didn’t want have harmful behavior directed at you. I can also relate with you with sending messages and not getting a response and how that hurts.

That’s a part of BPD is not knowing how to handle or having the proper skills on how to handle interpersonal r/s’s, it pushes people away. It’s easier said than done but read as you can about BPD and become I different to the behaviors. I’m not saying to put up his verbal diarrhea- you did the right thing and you put space in between both of you keep that up and defend that boundary.

A half hour away is not terribly far - you have a right to your own happiness . You’re not going far away and despite his pushing behavior you showed that you care by sending a message his in your thoughts. Try to let go of those guilty feelings.