This is so hard

[Reawakening]

Hey all, I’m 28 hours out at this point. This is one wild rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I am shopping with D12, amazed that I don’t have to keep texting stbxuBPD (is that right?) and checking my phone constantly; having fun going wherever we wish and picking out small items for our future apartment. The next minute I’m plunged into deep sadness. I am proud of myself and so excited for the future but man, this hurts.

There was Initially a lot of pleading and crying and promises when he first found out we were gone. I was able to step back and be the “observer” and see that he was repeating all the promises from last time. Then after that initial burst it all stopped. No idea what’s happening there now. Trying really hard not to care.

[Reawakening]

Adding to say...I shouldn’t have said I’m trying not to care. I do care of course  and wish the best, healthiest future  for him separate from me. I’m trying hard to care MORE for myself and D12.

[Boll2017]

Hi Reawakening

Thanks for the update.   Your situation is like mine.  I tried leaving a year ago but was convinced to come back.  The promises were broken of course. 

I am stuck in the fog.  The constant neediness sends the message of so much dependence.   I too can’t leave for without the constant texting from my wife.

Anyway your perspective on your departure is really helpful.  Please keep us posted. 

[Rev]

Hey all, I’m 28 hours out at this point. This is one wild rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I am shopping with D12, amazed that I don’t have to keep texting stbxuBPD (is that right?) and checking my phone constantly; having fun going wherever we wish and picking out small items for our future apartment. The next minute I’m plunged into deep sadness. I am proud of myself and so excited for the future but man, this hurts.

There was Initially a lot of pleading and crying and promises when he first found out we were gone. I was able to step back and be the “observer” and see that he was repeating all the promises from last time. Then after that initial burst it all stopped. No idea what’s happening there now. Trying really hard not to care.

Hang in there... this is a wicked boomerang effect... breathe... crisis management... calm behavior even if you have to fake it... is there a friends place you can go to?

Rev

[Reawakening]

Hi Boll and Rev, thanks for your responses.

Most of my friends are far away and busy. I haven’t been able to talk to them on the phone very often. I’m trying to stay busy with D, finding little outings for us most days. She is reading a lot which is a nice change for her.

StbxuBPD has been sending pretty constant emails begging for us to come home and describing all the therapy etc he is doing. I am trying LC/grey rock because he is still in the house that is in only my name. I have only repeated that I need space and time and quiet and I’ve been depressed, and variations on that from time to time, trying to stay very grey. After his T appt yesterday everything from him has stopped again for 36 hours or so. It’s a nice break but I know it’s not going to last from past experience.  So far I don’t feel pulled back By any of his pleading or guilt, because this is all a repeat from last time, and we all know what happened when I went back. I am really wanting to tell him that I’m not coming back just to get through that next piece.

I met my new T on Monday and I liked her. She has experience with NPD abuse recovery. I let her know that what’s on my mind a lot right now is when and how to let him know I’m not coming back and that I want to end the marriage. She thinks it’s not safe rt now to do so, and that it will unfold and we will work through it. I guess I understand  that T thinks I should gather strength and distance for now and keep healing, but I wanted to say, “how? How and when will it unfold? When can I get to the next part and start the divorce?”

I will ask this in the legal board too, but does anyone for see a problem with me looking for and possibly securing an apartment for me and D (not his bio) prior to me filing? Family is being very gracious but I don’t want to overstay and I really want an address that he doesn’t know.

[Rev]

Hi Boll and Rev, thanks for your responses.

Most of my friends are far away and busy. I haven’t been able to talk to them on the phone very often. I’m trying to stay busy with D, finding little outings for us most days. She is reading a lot which is a nice change for her.

StbxuBPD has been sending pretty constant emails begging for us to come home and describing all the therapy etc he is doing. I am trying LC/grey rock because he is still in the house that is in only my name. I have only repeated that I need space and time and quiet and I’ve been depressed, and variations on that from time to time, trying to stay very grey. After his T appt yesterday everything from him has stopped again for 36 hours or so. It’s a nice break but I know it’s not going to last from past experience.  So far I don’t feel pulled back By any of his pleading or guilt, because this is all a repeat from last time, and we all know what happened when I went back. I am really wanting to tell him that I’m not coming back just to get through that next piece.

I met my new T on Monday and I liked her. She has experience with NPD abuse recovery. I let her know that what’s on my mind a lot right now is when and how to let him know I’m not coming back and that I want to end the marriage. She thinks it’s not safe rt now to do so, and that it will unfold and we will work through it. I guess I understand  that T thinks I should gather strength and distance for now and keep healing, but I wanted to say, “how? How and when will it unfold? When can I get to the next part and start the divorce?”

I will ask this in the legal board too, but does anyone for see a problem with me looking for and possibly securing an apartment for me and D (not his bio) prior to me filing? Family is being very gracious but I don’t want to overstay and I really want an address that he doesn’t know.

Hi ReAwakening...

I'm going to read this tomorrow... but for now... I am responding to say - hugs and I'll be able to find it easier tomorrow.

Be stafe - stay strong.

Be blessed. Be a blessing.

rev

[Rev]

Hi Boll and Rev, thanks for your responses.




I met my new T on Monday and I liked her. She has experience with NPD abuse recovery. I let her know that what’s on my mind a lot right now is when and how to let him know I’m not coming back and that I want to end the marriage. She thinks it’s not safe rt now to do so, and that it will unfold and we will work through it. I guess I understand  that T thinks I should gather strength and distance for now and keep healing, but I wanted to say, “how? How and when will it unfold? When can I get to the next part and start the divorce?”

I will ask this in the legal board too, but does anyone for see a problem with me looking for and possibly securing an apartment for me and D (not his bio) prior to me filing? Family is being very gracious but I don’t want to overstay and I really want an address that he doesn’t know.

Hi!

Soo proud of you! 

Your T is right - distance - time - new habits build some necessary ... perspective. For me the healing only started about 6 months in when I finally got away for two weeks at Christmas. But by then my new habits took place.

Every person is different - and clarity and perspective - they help to keep the particulars of the emotional spikes or ruminations at bay a little bit.  Getting legal advice now is a great idea because it will help you do concrete things.

So many charms came at me in the first 8 months but they finally had to stop because she and I work in the same organization and at some point circumstances forced her to stop.

Morally I think getting another place and putting down roots that are yours (keep that address a secret) are part of this.  What the law says - well obviously that's what lawyers are for.

Reach out any time.

Be safe - stay safe.

Rev