I'm new here PART 2

[Janey33]

Mod Note:  part 1 of this thread is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345011.0;all

"A person with BPD does not have adult emotional skills" - yes this sounds understandable as it does sometimes feel like I am dealing with a child. There is quite an age gap between me and my partner anyway, she is only 21, so I do put a lot of her emotional skills, or lack of, down to her age or natural maturity.  I thought that this might get better as she grows up?
The age difference sometimes feels so dramatic that I wonder what I am doing with someone so young. But other times it doesn't seem to be a big deal.

I am happy to give it some time to figure everything out. I have a rough time frame, was thinking that maybe after a year of her DBT course she may learn new coping skills and things will be easier, and hopefully within a year I would have had my own counselling to help me figure out if I can cope with this long term.
She wants out relationship to move forward, she thinks about marriage alot, and with her impulsive behaviour she has booked to see wedding venues, and looked at bands to play at our wedding.  
If I say it's too soon, she takes that to mean that I don't love her or want to marry her so she believes I'll leave her and it causes a big problem.
As I said I am quite a bit older than her, I have been married in the past, for all the wrong reasons, and I really don't want to rush into doing that again. But the way she sees it is that she isn't good enough because I was willing to marry my ex but I'm not willing to marry her.

Don't even get me started on how we have a difference of opinion about having children, again every time the topic comes up, which is more frequent than I'd like, I feel so guilty, and anxious, my chest pounds, and I just try to smooth the situation until the next time.

Things haven't been too bad the last couple of days, but the calmness doesn't last long.  And while I don't have any issues with her currently, I do still have other things that stress me out and make me feel anxious.  My Son is treating me so badly, bullying, intimidating, no respect what so ever, so I still feel on edge and anxious all the time.
I just feel like it's either one of them or the other, I never get a break from feeling like I'm being manipulated.  
I just want a calmer lifestyle, but fear I won't have that for years.

Thank you for reading

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

I never get a break from feeling like I'm being manipulated. 

I understand what you mean.   here is what I think.     

boundaries will help you get a break from feeling like you are being manipulated.    your boundaries.   they aren't meant to change the other person.   they are meant to define what we will and won't accept.    if someone is bullying you, intimating, or treating you with no respect,   what do you do?    there is no reason to stand there and take it.   

boundaries protect us.    it can be as simple as saying "I won't have this conversation again.   I am going to the store and will be back in an hour."

what boundaries do you have around manipulative behavior?
 

[Janey33]

Hi thank you,  yes I believe my boundaries are loose, weak and inconsistent. 
I guess it depends on how bad the week has been, if I have more patience then I tend to take more from others, where as if I'm nearing breaking point I will just want to walk away from everything. 

I think it's just hard for me to admit to myself that I'm a weak person with poor boundaries.  I have had 2 very controlling, dominating relationships which was a daily struggle... when I finally became free of them I spent a long time building inner strength,  I had more confidence in myself and more self worth. 
I feel like I'm going backwards now, everything I built for myself to be independent is fading away, and it's all my fault.

[babyducks]

Hi Janey33

Most of us arrived here with some pretty porous boundaries and a willingness to over function in a relationship.   

Most of us found that the first step was understanding that we needed to look at our issues.  It is a battle.   but one that you can win!

do you want to troubleshoot how to build better boundaries?    what can we help you with?

[Janey33]

Hi, thank you,
Yes I am more than happy to look at my own issues I just don't really understand them.
I think it's just hard for me to not feel like I can just do what I want to do.  For example if I want to pop out to see my mum or my sister or my friend. 
It could be as simple as her feeling left out and wanting to come so I feel guilty and give in.  Or it could be more of an accusation, like I'm doing something wrong or meeting up with someone I shouldn't, so I feel insulted.
But most of the time she thinks that if I meet my family I will decide I don't want to be with her anymore.
There is only so much reassurance I can give that I wouldn't dream of cheating on her, and I don't intend on leaving her.

I don't think it's unreasonable for me to pop out for a while, but it causes such a big deal that it's not worth it.

I also don't understand why she has a problem with me having a drink. I don't think it's unreasonable to have a couple glasses of wine in social situations, but I just get a disgusted look like I'm doing something wrong. She will count the drinks and make me feel guilty for it, but I just want to have fun. 

Also, if she did come with me, she messages me while we are both sat there with everyone. She gives me a signal to check my phone so I can respond to her. I don't want to be sat on my phone while I am with people.

There hasn't been any crisis points over the last week which is a relief, so it does feel a bit better, but it's the day to day stuff that is draining.

I am working from home becauseof covid,  I have 50 minute sessions on the phone, then a 10 min gap until the next one. In those 10 minutes I am supposed to write up my notes and prepare for the next one. But instead I am replying to her, if I fail to reply she comes up to the room where I am working.
It just feels like there isn't a minute to myself, literally, not 1 minute from the moment she wakes up till she goes to bed. 
I just feel like it's affecting my work, my boss knows it too, I don't think I will get sacked, but I'm losing the price I used to have in making achievements at work.

[babyducks]

hello again,

most of us had pretty porous boundaries when we first arrived here.   

for me, the way it went was my Ex would frame something as... if you really loved me... if you were really a nice person ... you wouldn't go bike riding when you could spend time with me.

and I would kind of think... oh well I do really love her... I do want to be a nice person...   I guess I won't go bike riding today.

I never stopped and thought... hey if she really loved me...if she wanted to be a nice person to me... she would encourage me to do things I would enjoy.   

in other words I was way too willing to give up things I enjoyed,   things that were good for me to be considered a 'nice person'.

I didn't push back... and say well let's talk about this and find a solution that works for both of us.     I didn't stick up for myself.    I had learned that 'love' means accepting someone else's opinion more than my own.

I was a people pleaser.

For example if I want to pop out to see my mum or my sister or my friend. 
It could be as simple as her feeling left out and wanting to come so I feel guilty and give in. 

you will read this same story over and over again here on the boards.   it happened to me.   I think it happens to all of us.    where there is a real effort to isolate us from our families.   as if there isn't enough love to go around... and if we love and enjoy our families we are depriving them of love and affection and attention.

this is absolutely incorrect.  it's not healthy behavior.

There is only so much reassurance I can give that I wouldn't dream of cheating on her, and I don't intend on leaving her.

very true.    and reassuring her re-enforces the idea of her being alone is a bad thing.

I don't think it's unreasonable for me to pop out for a while, but it causes such a big deal that it's not worth it. 

I think the place to look is here.   it is absolutely worth it.  You are absolutely worth it.    as a group we are willing to put our needs second.    or ignore them all together.   it's usually an issue of self esteem.

I am working from home becauseof covid,  I have 50 minute sessions on the phone, then a 10 min gap until the next one. In those 10 minutes I am supposed to write up my notes and prepare for the next one. But instead I am replying to her, if I fail to reply she comes up to the room where I am working.
It just feels like there isn't a minute to myself, literally, not 1 minute from the moment she wakes up till she goes to bed. 
I just feel like it's affecting my work, my boss knows it too, I don't think I will get sacked, but I'm losing the price I used to have in making achievements at work.

It sounds like her constant need to be with you and be reassured by you is negatively impacting your primary relationships... with friends, with family,  with work.   I'd say it's not good for either of you.   

how would you feel about having a conversation with her,  using the tools here and establishing a boundary.

here is an example... using the When ... I think/feel... I will model.

When I am working from home I need to concentrate on writing up my notes.    I think my job performance hasn't been what it should have been lately so I will need to turn off my phone from the hours of X to Y while I am working.  I do not want to be disturbed.

Yes she will push on that.   Can you stand strong and protect that boundary?

'ducks