Separating of spouse of 20 years with suspected BPD

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Hi all,

I married my husband 20 years ago, several years after what I now recognize was likely an incident of BPD (“I don’t love you anymore, oh wait actually I do, please take me back”), but back then I called it a fluke. Yes, I was young and in love and didn’t know anything about BPD. He’s been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for years, but medication and his half-hearted attempts at therapy didn’t help. After many head-scratching moments where he said one thing one day, and completely reversed course another day (and immediately exploded in anger when I responded in confusion to ask for clarity, based on what he had said before), I started researching and he fits BPD descriptions very closely. Impulsive behavior, trouble making decisions and frequently regretting them (and then regretting even the regretting!), pushing me away, exploding in anger and desperately demanding to be in “control” of everything in the house...the list goes on.

Now we are working on separation/divorce (prompted by him, although he never actually said the words “I want a divorce” and I had to basically pull it out of him piecemeal when he was acting hostile...he does not seem to have confidence in his decisions). He refuses to pursue adequate treatment, which is definitely a deal-breaker for me. Two questions for the group: 1) How do I make it through this time period while we are still under one roof, waiting for legal paperwork before we separate? And 2) more importantly, how do I begin to heal so I can be prepared and healthy for future relationships? What things do I need to watch out for as I grieve the end of this marriage, which was essentially half my life?

[Sparky15]

Hi all,

I married my husband 20 years ago, several years after what I now recognize was likely an incident of BPD (“I don’t love you anymore, oh wait actually I do, please take me back”), but back then I called it a fluke. Yes, I was young and in love and didn’t know anything about BPD. He’s been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for years, but medication and his half-hearted attempts at therapy didn’t help. After many head-scratching moments where he said one thing one day, and completely reversed course another day (and immediately exploded in anger when I responded in confusion to ask for clarity, based on what he had said before), I started researching and he fits BPD descriptions very closely. Impulsive behavior, trouble making decisions and frequently regretting them (and then regretting even the regretting!), pushing me away, exploding in anger and desperately demanding to be in “control” of everything in the house...the list goes on.

Now we are working on separation/divorce (prompted by him, although he never actually said the words “I want a divorce” and I had to basically pull it out of him piecemeal when he was acting hostile...he does not seem to have confidence in his decisions). He refuses to pursue adequate treatment, which is definitely a deal-breaker for me. Two questions for the group: 1) How do I make it through this time period while we are still under one roof, waiting for legal paperwork before we separate? And 2) more importantly, how do I begin to heal so I can be prepared and healthy for future relationships? What things do I need to watch out for as I grieve the end of this marriage, which was essentially half my life?

[Baglady]

Dear Sparky 

I've been where you are in terms of spending more than half my life with an exBPDh.  I'm sure a lot of folks on this site find this a head-scratcher.  A lot of BPD relationships seem to crash and burn in a matter of months or a year or so but not ours.  However, in hindsight, I see that my relationship with my exBPDh could easily have burned out at certain early points but I chose to stick around for a variety of sunk-cost reasons (i.e. loyalty, love, the good-out-weighing-the-bad, my easygoing acceptance, for my child etc.)

Here we are though and make no mistake after decades spent partnering with a mentally ill spouse, we have a tougher road ahead to try to demesh ourselves from them than many.   It's a true question of figuring out where they end and we begin.  And it is a process of grief.  It is akin to the death of our partners.  On the toughest of days, when I found the grief overwhelming, I would remind myself of this.  We are more like widows/widowers than not.  It many ways our grief is harder because we are mourning the alive.  Our grief is also not recognized by many.  It is minimized and invalidated - no flowers, sympathy cards or casseroles for us.  Our prize however, is that we finally get to rediscover who we are.  After decades of putting another first, it is immeasurably thrilling to get to put ourselves first for a change.

I'd suggest educating yourself about BPD (while keeping the focus on how it impacts your life) and keep revisiting this site - it was so invaluable to have the support of others who "get it".   A good therapist is also great if you have an opportunity to afford one. 

Warmly,
B

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sparky, Welcome!  Who knew?  I was married to my BPDxW for 15 years.  I agree with Baglady:

After decades of putting another first, it is immeasurably thrilling to get to put ourselves first for a change.

During the waiting period, your H will likely attempt to manipulate you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt).  I suggest you decline to engage.  Your task is to rise above it.

Many of us have been in your shoes, so you are not alone.

LuckyJim

[Sparky15]

Thank you both. I admit I probably should have left years ago, but I was thriving on the many loving moments we had in between the bad ones, and I was raised believing marriage is forever. I always believed you fight for it and make it work. But he just quit.

You have wise words about grief like a widow. My husband had wanted to preserve a friendship, but I said no. He is not getting help for his problems, which means he will continue to be unstable, and dangerous to me. As soon as he is officially out of my life, he will he out for good — as good as dead.

The grief of that, and of the dreams I had of growing old together, is rough. Thank you for understanding and making me feel less alone.

[Baglady]

Hi Sparky,

I was in a similar spot.  I absolutely believed in marriage also, in keeping my vows and in giving my all to my relationship and my family.  Like you, I also had enough happy, stable days sprinkled in-between the confusing ones to keep me wanting to keep working on us.  My partner just decided in the blink of an eye seemingly (he had a psychotic break) to abandon me and I really had no say in the breakdown of my marriage at all when it came down to it.  His mind was made up and he was gone in a matter of weeks.

Like you, I resisted remaining friends with him (although this was hard - he was my best friend for decades) but I know I made the right decision on this.  He had a vision for his life that included hooking up with lots of women, experimenting with drugs and yet having family time with me and my son on the side.  No way, no how,  was I going to enable the "having his cake and eating it too" scenario  .  I can laugh now about it but it was brutally painful at the time.

Like you, I also had a vision for my older years of us growing old together surrounded by family and grandkids etc.  Poof - all down the drain now  .   I grieve it and sometimes seeing or being around intact couples my age can really trigger a lot of sorrow but the grief does get a smidgen easier every single day.

Hugs to you my dear - sadly you are far from alone in your experience.  Visit often - this is a wonderful site.

Warmly, 
B

[BDR]

you all stated it much better than I can - the initial passion and fact that somebody cared deeply about me  hooked me as I spent most of my life alone up until meeting this very charming , outgoing ,full of life beautiful young women. Looking back I missed so many cues , Tomorrow I face the hardest day of my life - talking to my wife of 20 years who will be with a counselor (she checked into rehab 4 weeks ago after I kicked her out for lying once again as I found her in a hotel) regarding terms of our divorce. All the hope of a future and all the dreams of next season of life gone like that.

[Baglady]

Hi BDR,

All hopes of our anticipated future are gone but I'm increasingly beginning to understand that our hopes were built upon a very poor foundation of sand at the end of the day.  Food for thought. My mother suffers from dementia and I see how my father selflessly attends to her every need.  They are in their mid-eighties and really my mother should be in assisted living.  Every single time, I witness such selfless love on my father's part, I think - no way, no how could I have relied upon my ex to provide me with the tiniest fraction of that level of selfless care (if the roles were reversed however - I would absolutely have provided the same excellent care to my ex).  My ex's behaviors are highly unlikely to get better with time.  If he follows the path of his grandfather (undiagnosed but highly likely to be BPD), he is just going to get progressively more and more abusive.  Cutting my losses now, as painful as it has been, has staved off more horrendous abuse for me in the future.  I'm so convinced of this.   Jackson Mackenzie writes in his book "Psychopath Free" - recovering from these type of abusive relationships is "not like the traditional stages of grief, because you have not truly lost anything, instead you have gained everything.  You just don't know it yet".  Two years out and I'm really starting to see the truth in this.  Hang in there, it gets better day by day...

Warmly,    
B

[BDR]

have any of you went to a co dependency group ? I think thats my next step .My wife broke down as she read me a sincere apology and her plan to get on her own feet and learning to deal with her emotions .It starts with her moving back home with her parents  Then I broke down . We love each other but could never talk about it outside of counseling - like a wall was always between us. I see now how she lived through other people . If all was going well in those relationships she was well , but if someone was struggling than she would struggle . In the hardest seasons of our lives she would always bail or numb out through various addictions of her choice .  What B said about foundation is so true. Our foundation was built on physical intamacy - not just sex but holding each other she loved for me just to hold her tight .    I overlooked so many red flags hoping things would change . You ask how to get along under the same roof .You have to be the one that changes .i joined a mens group at church which helped me deal with some of my own issues . Then I started to see her as that frightened little girl it broke my heart and her intense outbursts no longer had the same sting . The chance of them changing is very slim and is in small increments .Find a good support group , journal  often , pray often .

[Sparky15]

Checking in to say my soon-to-be ex husband moves out of the house tomorrow.  It will be a relief, but also I am crying my eyes out at the same time. For those of you who have separated...I welcome stories of your own life recovery. I want to focus on my future. But I hate being alone...I need hugs.

[Baglady]

Dear Sparky - it's poor consolation but here is a virtual hug at least       

In my case, I left the home for two days when my ex moved out.  I just couldn't be around for the visual of seeing him take his things even though like you I experienced a mix of absolute relief (he seemed like a complete stranger at that point) and soul-crushing grief (for the person I was married too and all the dreams of my future).  You may want to make yourself scarce during that time.

I won't lie - it's been a little over two years and this is the toughest road I've been on (and I had my share of adversity prior to this).  I'm still on the road to recovery and I think I will be for a long time into the future really although it's so much easier now in many respects.

Just some tips that worked for me so take them as you will.   A good therapist was vital to me.  I worked to create a good social support network of friends for myself (and this took time but is paying off dividends now).  I threw myself into my job - it was a lifesaver for me at times.  I joined a support group of women who experienced narcissistic abuse and now I find that I've outgrown the need for this group although I've found some wonderful friends this way.  I tried CODA but eventually figured out that I'm not co-dependent.  I threw myself into so much BPD research that I think I qualify for a degree at this point  .   I journaled a lot.  This site and the fantastic people here has been an absolute constant throughout.  Oh and I got a pet who is wonderful company 

It's not easy but I have grown enormously throughout this ordeal.  I've found strength that I never knew I had.  I have a depth of lived experience of sorrow and grief that has provided me with a level of empathy for others that I would not have had otherwise and I think this has deepened and enriched all of my other relationships.

The biggest of virtual hugs to you 

Warmly,
B.

[alittleawkward]

The compassion in this thread is incredible. A fantastic conversation to read.

Just to echo B, I found the best and most comforting leap on my recovery path was purchasing well recommended books about BPD. Understanding why things happened the way they did was fundamental to my recovery, better so with a collection of different perspectives on it, and I couldn't recommend anything else more. Whilst my relationship was not half a life time and I am not as wise or as old as some of these members, I sympathise and can relate to the collective emotions here all the same. Hold on to the feelings of relief and try not to let those crumbs of the good times come back to haunt you too much. Remember the price they had. And read up about BPD!