Bettering a relationship

[Mindi]

I am a 53 year old woman,married with two grown children. My husband displays signs of BPD. I am always walking on egg shells while talking with him. He gets angry suddenly and flies in a rage many times without the slightest provocation. I have been ignoring this behaviour as he used to immediately feel bad and apologise and ask me to ignore his outbursts. He said he didn't mean what he said because he said it in anger and I should not take him seriously.I did this for a long, long time. Of late it is getting very difficult for me. Everytime he gets angry and shouts at me I feel abused and and very upset. It feels like a blow to my self respect and I feel like leaving him as he does not care for my feelings. Previously I used to get over it very soon and forget the pain.It is not the same now, it takes me 3-4 days to get back to normal and it involves a lot of crying and self pity. I resent him a lot and don't feel like even being in the same room as him.I feel I am to blame considerably because I continued to take this nonsense for too long and taught him how to mistreat me.
He does not like to talk about it and when we do, he either makes it my fault, or says he didn't mean it and that his anger makes him say things and that I should not take everything he says seriously.This pattern is not changing and every few days I find myself in this situation where I feel it is better to leave him and live with my dignity.
I want to draw boundaries and make my relationship better because we do love each other but I also love my self respect. What should I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

It's painful to be on the receiving end of anger and abuse. I can understand why you would be upset.

It sounds like the two of you sort of agreed that his outbursts would be tolerated, ignored, and forgiven. You want to change the pattern and that will take some strength. Most people don't like change, and having abandonment issues, he will fear that change means being abandoned.

What are some things you have tried in the past? Maybe we can start there with you and walk alongside you.

LnL