Elderly mother, still pushing my buttons

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I decided last week to look for help with handling my relationship with my mother, after a bad phone call that left me feeling really low, even though it was only 10 minutes long.   She talks a lot about what is wrong with her, and she has been saying for years that she bipolar, so I started by looking up that condition, then found BPD, which seems to fit very well.  My sister and I have to contact her very regularly because she is 91, lives alone, and is barely mobile.  I have been using validation techniques I’ve read about, and taken on the idea that it’s okay for me to set boundaries, and it is helping already.  I can feel that I am now in the space where my mother seems like less of a big deal, but I know objectively that I have not fixed her, myself, or our relationship because she has a mental illness.  Good grief, has it really taken this long to really accept that there is this extra factor in our relationship?  I’ve been switching between thinking she is horrible, or I am deficient in being a daughter, or I am mature and handling the relationship well.  

One other point, during our childhoods my sister and I had a lot of conflict, which she now says was all her fault!  She used to try to get me into trouble with our mother and she was very jealous of me (and I was our mother's confidante).  I left at 18 to get away from her and our mother, and she calmed down a lot and is a lovely adult.  Her childhood behaviour sounds a bit BPD, and I’m so glad that she is not suffering from that now.  Has anyone else had an experience like that with a sibling? Thanks, so glad to have found this site.

[LunaJoy]

I decided last week to look for help with handling my relationship with my mother, after a bad phone call that left me feeling really low, even though it was only 10 minutes long.   She talks a lot about what is wrong with her, and she has been saying for years that she bipolar, so I started by looking up that condition, then found BPD, which seems to fit very well.  My sister and I have to contact her very regularly because she is 91, lives alone, and is barely mobile.  I have been using validation techniques I’ve read about, and taken on the idea that it’s okay for me to set boundaries, and it is helping already.  I can feel that I am now in the space where my mother seems like less of a big deal, but I know objectively that I have not fixed her, myself, or our relationship because she has a mental illness.  Good grief, has it really taken this long to really accept that there is this extra factor in our relationship?  I’ve been switching between thinking she is horrible, or I am deficient in being a daughter, or I am mature and handling the relationship well.  

One other point, during our childhoods my sister and I had a lot of conflict, which she now says was all her fault!  She used to try to get me into trouble with our mother and she was very jealous of me (and I was our mother's confidante).  I left at 18 to get away from her and our mother, and she calmed down a lot and is a lovely adult.  Her childhood behaviour sounds a bit BPD, and I’m so glad that she is not suffering from that now.  Has anyone else had an experience like that with a sibling? Thanks, so glad to have found this site.

[zachira]

I am glad you have found us. There are many members on this site who have similar situations to yours with a mother with BPD and challenges with siblings.
It is normal to wonder if you are doing the right thing when you set healthy boundaries with a mother with BPD. Children, even when they have become adults, are often viewed as an extension of a parent with BPD and not respected as an independent person. It is typical that this type of parent will try to make their children feel that something is wrong with them if they try to become independent of the parent emotionally and will try to thwart any effort of the children, no matter how old they are, to be seen as a separate unique individual. I am glad you are finding it helpful to set boundaries with your mother, and know that you are not alone in adjusting to mixed feelings about the newer healthier ways of interacting with your mother.
My mother with BPD died last summer. Unfortunately my living siblings have not shaken off the effects of growing up in a home with a mother with BPD and are very much like her. It is wonderful that your sister has matured and you now have each others best interests at heart.
Having a mother with mental illness and seeing her so unhappy in old age hurts, and brings back a lot of sorrow about what we missed in childhood and a longing to have some quality time with our mother before she dies. We are here to listen and support you. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

I'm glad you posted and are reaching out for support.

I have been using validation techniques I’ve read about, and taken on the idea that it’s okay for me to set boundaries, and it is helping already.

This is great to read.  Validation, or as we often talk about here, making sure we Don't Invalidate, can work very well in a lot of situations.  I linked one of the articles we have on validation in case you want to read more. 

When I first started setting boundaries with my mom and family, it was scary for me.  I felt guilty and like a bad daughter.  It took a lot of time to work that through so I am glad you are on your way.   Can you tell us more about what sort of boundaries you want to work on?

I can feel that I am now in the space where my mother seems like less of a big deal, but I know objectively that I have not fixed her, myself, or our relationship because she has a mental illness.

 

You speak of fixing things and I think I can relate to that as well.  My go to reaction is to step in and fix and manage.  Over time, I learned I was really trying to control things so I could avoid episodes and manage my own emotions.  Not everyone is a fixer for the same reason though.  I just thought I would mention what some of us struggle with.  Learning to let go with love and be okay with my own difficult emotions took time.  I still get upset and want to fix but I am, mostly, aware of it and able to step back.  We can only take care of us and what is ours to care for right?

Good grief, has it really taken this long to really accept that there is this extra factor in our relationship?  I’ve been switching between thinking she is horrible, or I am deficient in being a daughter, or I am mature and handling the relationship well.

    It takes a while but it does get better.  I think there may always be a sadness though when dealing with the reality of the limitations that can occur in our relationships though.  That does not mean we can not grieve and learn to manage our own feelings though.

Has anyone else had an experience like that with a sibling?

Yes, I know both my brother and I have struggled and in some ways still do.  We are aware though and try to relate in healthy ways now.  Have you found any of your own behaviors need to change or are less than healthy?

I hope to hear more from you soon.  In the mean time, take care.

[LunaJoy]

Thank you so much Zachira and Harri for your thoughtful replies.  I feel a bit choked up re-reading them now.  Maybe we children of borderlines all feel outside regular society in some way.

I relate to letting go of controlling things, and I started two years ago to try to let go at home because it had lead to problems with my partner.  I was getting very stressed with teenagers not revising for exams and going to bed late, and he just couldn’t handle the increase in shouting.  Now I try to ask him for support, which I sometimes find difficult,  though not as difficult as shouting while he tries to zone out, I suppose.

I went to therapy for 4 years in my 20s, without which I doubt I would have ever had a functioning personal relationship.  During that time I reached out to my sister, but she was not up for long,  mother-bashing conversations, and I had to learn to respect her space and acknowledge that her childhood was different from mine (she was a naughty child, and I think it stood her in good stead!  She was always her own person).  I've had to step out of the role of bossy older sister.  It was a cheap power trip.

Since ‘discovering' BPD 2 weeks ago, I’ve felt tired, had an ear infection with vertigo, felt a loss of confidence, some low level depression, but I haven’t had an awful phone conversation with my mother, and my personal life has felt more real.  It is such a strange time at the moment anyway, but I do feel that I’ve reached a new level of awareness about how I manage my emotions, and I would like to change some things:

Saying no more directly
Sharing more feelings with my partner, including when I disagree with him
Not feeling offended when he doesn’t agree with me
Allowing sad feelings, without over eating or drinking
Giving myself time to plan my work, facing the fear of not organising it properly then overcompensating in other ways.

Thank you for running this site and for all the valuable information and support.

[Methuen]

Over time, I learned I was really trying to control things so I could avoid episodes and manage my own emotions.

I'm guessing I did this too.  As mom got worse ("needier") over the years since dad died, I probably tried harder to help her make better decisions, which she would have seen as controlling.  She always wanted my support, but when I gave it, it was ignored/dismissed, or she became irritated angry.  Since I've backed off, and let her think her thoughts and make her own decisions, it's been a little better.  But her isolation from Covid has made her physically weaker, which was exacerbated from a fall last autumn which resulted in fractures and immobilized her during the healing process.  So now she seems to be getting worse again (entering another dysregulation phase) because she recognizes she can't even walk in her house without her walker any more. 

Validation techniques and boundaries have helped me through this too.

How are you doing today?

[LunaJoy]

I am okay, thanks.  Our mothers sound similar, and it is awful to see them so distressed as their health worsens.  It is good to have coping strategies, and it seems to have helped me and my mother that I am not trying to cheer her up any more. That sounds uncaring, and tbh I guess I have detached myself emotionally, though I think I can feel more compassion.  I can’t feel compassion when I feel emotionally battered by bad temper and superior attitude.  But now I know that those things are about her mental health, not about me.  Btw, my sister agreed that BPD sounded right.  I hope you are doing okay too.