Doubting myself and my wifes critizism

[something]

Hello!
It feels weird writing here but I came on this site through the book 'Stop walking on eggshells'. My wife has been diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago (which didn't come as a surprise to both of us, been together 13 years). She is amazing in the way how she tries to improve herself, it was her idea to go into therapy, partly also because of her eating disorder. She is handling the situation very seriously. To come to the point: I am currently in a situation that I need to change things in her perspective to help out the marriage and if I don't it's basically not gonna work. I have had a long time of telling her 'this is who I am'. I could do so because I know my family (her and my 3 and 6 yo girls) are my nr.1. I help in the household, with the kids (bringing them to school and help cooking in the evening and bringing them to bed) whilst also providing by running my own business. Her main complaints are that I'm passive: with chores around the house (fixing stuff), with raising the kids, and with initiating intimacy). I'm torn with doubt that she is asking too much of me, hense the 'I am who I am', but she asked me: 'if we were to break up would you feel like you've done all you could've to prevend it?' It makes me question myself and makes me very insecure. I'm constantly walking on eggshells, my heartrate doubles when I hear her in the house. I understand it would be hard for anyone to tell if the things my wife asks are realistic, but maybe someone has an idea for me to find out when someones asking too much of you. Not sure if people read these posts, but anyway it felt good typing it.

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[Rev]

Hello!
It feels weird writing here but I came on this site through the book 'Stop walking on eggshells'. My wife has been diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago (which didn't come as a surprise to both of us, been together 13 years). She is amazing in the way how she tries to improve herself, it was her idea to go into therapy, partly also because of her eating disorder. She is handling the situation very seriously. To come to the point: I am currently in a situation that I need to change things in her perspective to help out the marriage and if I don't it's basically not gonna work. I have had a long time of telling her 'this is who I am'. I could do so because I know my family (her and my 3 and 6 yo girls) are my nr.1. I help in the household, with the kids (bringing them to school and help cooking in the evening and bringing them to bed) whilst also providing by running my own business. Her main complaints are that I'm passive: with chores around the house (fixing stuff), with raising the kids, and with initiating intimacy). I'm torn with doubt that she is asking too much of me, hense the 'I am who I am', but she asked me: 'if we were to break up would you feel like you've done all you could've to prevend it?' It makes me question myself and makes me very insecure. I'm constantly walking on eggshells, my heartrate doubles when I hear her in the house. I understand it would be hard for anyone to tell if the things my wife asks are realistic, but maybe someone has an idea for me to find out when someones asking too much of you. Not sure if people read these posts, but anyway it felt good typing it.

Hello my friend and welcome...

So - you seem to have a pretty mature relationship because there is therapy involved and some boundaries seem to be being put down.

I would suggest that you might want to work on yourself spiritually.  I know that is a touchy word because it means so many things depending on the situation.  But  basically, a strong spirituality will help you to dis-engage your wife before re-engaging her.  I know that sounds counter intuitive but with a mood disorder, it is the only way. Otherwise, when you engage her too fast, you loose yourself and your words about "who you are" might as well have been put into a blender.  Does this resonate?

Hope this helps.

Hang in there. 

Rev

[something]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate that. I have an idea about what you mean. With the young kids in the house there is sometimes not enough time to spend on myself and my own interests. Maybe I should do some selfreflection to see who I currently am. Thank you.

[Bertha88]

Hi something,
I just want to encourage you to continue with this site and to know that you are not alone!  I struggle with the same things in my marriage of 25 years.  My husband (who I strongly suspect is BPD) recently told me I had 1 week to clean out the garage; that I needed to work part-time at his business because he "needs help" (in addition to my FT professional job); that I needed to paint part of our home; etc.  It was almost laughable, the expectations heaped upon me.

I do know that, were I to have a stronger sense of self, I could stand my ground/attempt to negotiate a reasonable solution.  I may have taken baby steps recently toward that end, but for most of our marriage I would have just taken those assignments and thrown myself at them in an effort to please him and to stave off the next emotional blow-up... It's never really worked, but it's almost like my mantra has been:  "If I could JUST [fill in the blank]..."  Like:  make a good meal; get this room cleaned; be more attentive to him; etc., etc.

So--you're not alone.  You're not crazy!  I COMMEND you BIGTIME for your obvious devotion to your children.  Just because she's demanding stuff doesn't mean she's reasonable.  Talk to more experienced people on this site.  Tell yourself 5 things you like about yourself and 5 things that you did well today.

Wish I could fix your situation.  Working on mine!  Keep the faith!