Finally Getting the Courage to Post about BPD Mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

  I have been reading posts on this board on and off since about November of last year.  When I found this forum, it was the first time I didn't feel alone.  I could finally see that other people have faced what I have faced while having a relative with borderline personality disorder.  I really appreciate that this forum exists, but I've had trouble finding the courage to post here.  I read that it is more beneficial to post than to simply read discussions, so I thought I would finally work up the confidence.

For a little bit of background, my mom was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  I had started to suspect she had BPD last year, after researching about it.  I read several books about BPD and found this forum, which confirmed it for me even further.  I have struggled with my mom for about 10 years now since I was 18.  My father had his struggles throughout my childhood and was diagnosed with Bipolar I when I was 13.  I am an only child and my mom was really all I had for my entire childhood.  We got along well most of the time, although now I see that she had groomed me to her liking at the time.  When I was 18, I wanted to start my own life.  I started to naturally detach and worked towards making that happen, which is when the trouble really started.  My mom never wanted me to leave.  I left a couple of times to live with a boyfriend for a few months.  I went back both times after feeling guilty about how hurt she was about it.  When I was 22, she began drinking heavily.  I had it by the time I was 23 and packed up all I could and just left one evening.  I had no plans, I just knew it was time for me to leave.  Luckily, I was able to find an apartment quickly, and I felt so much better moving out for good.  I have struggled staying in contact with her since then.  There were times I thought she would kill herself from over-drinking and there has been plenty of emotional abuse over the years.  I tried to convince her to enter a treatment program, which never occurred.  Instead she switched to benzodiazepines and marijuana.  As a disclaimer, I am not saying I have anything against either of these, but together they seem to exacerbate her behavior.  Unfortunately, she feels that since she stopped the alcohol, she is a changed person.  She doesn't notice that she still rants and rages, and insults the people closest to her.  Starting last year, she had what appeared to be manic symptoms, but were the "Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms" category of BPD in the DSM.  Her boyfriend and I convinced her to see a psychiatrist and counselor.  The counselor told her she thought it may be BPD, but the psychiatrist diagnosed Bipolar disorder.  He prescribed a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic at one point, neither of which really helped.  Finally just a few weeks ago he confirmed that he believes it is BPD and not Bipolar.

Unfortunately, the diagnosis doesn't really solve anything.  At least not yet.  Maybe if she chooses to participate in DBT, she can heal.  After the emotional trauma I have received through insults of my character, my choices, and insulting my husband, it's hard to believe it will happen.  When I moved out, she made sure to find anyone that she remembers me having contact with in life friends (even ones from elementary school), ex-boyfriends, and family members  on social media.  That way she could let them know who I was, based on her distorted perception of me.  Most of these people I haven't talked to in years at least, and many family members know the reality.  Nevertheless, it has been hurtful, and I've had a hard time moving past the hurt to forgive her, especially while these things are still happening.  Every time I see her in person, I have an anxiety attack as each time she critiques anything I say or do during the meeting.  It has gotten to the point where I try to push off opportunities to see her, and ignore her texts completely when she starts to rant.  I know this may not be healthy, or may seem cruel when there are many chaotic things occurring in the world right now. For me though, it has been the only thing keeping me sane.  I have gone NC in the past for a few months at a time, and even though it is when I truly feel at peace, the guilt surfaces.  Sometimes I honestly want to be completely NC, and I am working on deciding what is best for me and my nuclear family.

I apologize for the long post, thank you for taking the time to read my story.  I hope to participate more in this forum, as I have read stories and posts from many of you that truly speak to me and are inspiring.

[ArabellaFay7]

  I have been reading posts on this board on and off since about November of last year.  When I found this forum, it was the first time I didn't feel alone.  I could finally see that other people have faced what I have faced while having a relative with borderline personality disorder.  I really appreciate that this forum exists, but I've had trouble finding the courage to post here.  I read that it is more beneficial to post than to simply read discussions, so I thought I would finally work up the confidence.

For a little bit of background, my mom was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  I had started to suspect she had BPD last year, after researching about it.  I read several books about BPD and found this forum, which confirmed it for me even further.  I have struggled with my mom for about 10 years now since I was 18.  My father had his struggles throughout my childhood and was diagnosed with Bipolar I when I was 13.  I am an only child and my mom was really all I had for my entire childhood.  We got along well most of the time, although now I see that she had groomed me to her liking at the time.  When I was 18, I wanted to start my own life.  I started to naturally detach and worked towards making that happen, which is when the trouble really started.  My mom never wanted me to leave.  I left a couple of times to live with a boyfriend for a few months.  I went back both times after feeling guilty about how hurt she was about it.  When I was 22, she began drinking heavily.  I had it by the time I was 23 and packed up all I could and just left one evening.  I had no plans, I just knew it was time for me to leave.  Luckily, I was able to find an apartment quickly, and I felt so much better moving out for good.  I have struggled staying in contact with her since then.  There were times I thought she would kill herself from over-drinking and there has been plenty of emotional abuse over the years.  I tried to convince her to enter a treatment program, which never occurred.  Instead she switched to benzodiazepines and marijuana.  As a disclaimer, I am not saying I have anything against either of these, but together they seem to exacerbate her behavior.  Unfortunately, she feels that since she stopped the alcohol, she is a changed person.  She doesn't notice that she still rants and rages, and insults the people closest to her.  Starting last year, she had what appeared to be manic symptoms, but were the "Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms" category of BPD in the DSM.  Her boyfriend and I convinced her to see a psychiatrist and counselor.  The counselor told her she thought it may be BPD, but the psychiatrist diagnosed Bipolar disorder.  He prescribed a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic at one point, neither of which really helped.  Finally just a few weeks ago he confirmed that he believes it is BPD and not Bipolar.

Unfortunately, the diagnosis doesn't really solve anything.  At least not yet.  Maybe if she chooses to participate in DBT, she can heal.  After the emotional trauma I have received through insults of my character, my choices, and insulting my husband, it's hard to believe it will happen.  When I moved out, she made sure to find anyone that she remembers me having contact with in life friends (even ones from elementary school), ex-boyfriends, and family members  on social media.  That way she could let them know who I was, based on her distorted perception of me.  Most of these people I haven't talked to in years at least, and many family members know the reality.  Nevertheless, it has been hurtful, and I've had a hard time moving past the hurt to forgive her, especially while these things are still happening.  Every time I see her in person, I have an anxiety attack as each time she critiques anything I say or do during the meeting.  It has gotten to the point where I try to push off opportunities to see her, and ignore her texts completely when she starts to rant.  I know this may not be healthy, or may seem cruel when there are many chaotic things occurring in the world right now. For me though, it has been the only thing keeping me sane.  I have gone NC in the past for a few months at a time, and even though it is when I truly feel at peace, the guilt surfaces.  Sometimes I honestly want to be completely NC, and I am working on deciding what is best for me and my nuclear family.

I apologize for the long post, thank you for taking the time to read my story.  I hope to participate more in this forum, as I have read stories and posts from many of you that truly speak to me and are inspiring.

[Sad4Her]

ArabellaFay7,

I'm so glad you found this site. I am an only child of an uBPD mother and felt so alone until this site, as well. It's like everyone either thinks you are exaggerating or your mom is a sane, just nasty person (which is more embarrassing because then there is no excuse for their bad behavior). The ones who believe you are dealing with a mother with mental illness, think they understand because they have seen Bipolar and such people. However, as we all know (being family members of BPD), it's on a completely different level. I feel for you, as I do all of us. Know that you are NOT alone and have all of us here. Keep sharing and we will too. Maybe , with therapy and all of our stories to share, we can get through it together.

[Choosinghope]

Hi ArabellaFay! 

I'm glad that you found the courage to post. I remember feeling quite intimidated too at first, but it this forum is so helpful!

Maybe if she chooses to participate in DBT, she can heal.  After the emotional trauma I have received through insults of my character, my choices, and insulting my husband, it's hard to believe it will happen.  When I moved out, she made sure to find anyone that she remembers me having contact with in life friends (even ones from elementary school), ex-boyfriends, and family members  on social media.  That way she could let them know who I was, based on her distorted perception of me.  Most of these people I haven't talked to in years at least, and many family members know the reality.  Nevertheless, it has been hurtful, and I've had a hard time moving past the hurt to forgive her, especially while these things are still happening.  Every time I see her in person, I have an anxiety attack as each time she critiques anything I say or do during the meeting.  It has gotten to the point where I try to push off opportunities to see her, and ignore her texts completely when she starts to rant.  I know this may not be healthy, or may seem cruel when there are many chaotic things occurring in the world right now. For me though, it has been the only thing keeping me sane.  I have gone NC in the past for a few months at a time, and even though it is when I truly feel at peace, the guilt surfaces.  Sometimes I honestly want to be completely NC, and I am working on deciding what is best for me and my nuclear family.

While I read this, I was realizing that I could pull out every sentence to comment on. This is really all so relatable. I'm about in the same place, if that's any comfort. I am basically NC with my mom, and she recently gave me an ultimatum about how any future contact would look. Obviously, this ultimatum is not something that I am very comfortable with. I don't think that it is unhealthy or cruel at all to ignore texts or put off opportunities to visit. Something that I was not taught well and I'm guessing almost everyone on this forum wasn't taught was the importance of looking out for your well being BEFORE your parent's well being. It sounds so selfish even now writing it, and yet it is essential to thriving as an independent adult. If that separation is what you need to be healthy, then that is what you should do.

Once when I was complaining about my mom, a friend asked me, "If you were seeing a friend being treated that way that you are being treated right now, what would you encourage you to do?" That same friend also asked me, "If anyone else in your life was treating you the way your mom is, would you have any hesitations about walking away and preserving your own health?" Those two questions were powerful in jolting me out of the FOG and reminding me that though this relationship seems all-encompassing, it is only one part of my life. In every other part of my life, I know what healthy relationships look like and I feel comfortable giving advice and trusting my gut. Maybe try asking yourself those questions and seeing what that answers are?

[Mata]

Welcome, ArabellaFay7!  I'm glad you found the courage to post.  I also have a mother with BPD and Bipolar.  It's a struggle for sure, but it helps to have a safe place to go for support with others who get it.

It has gotten to the point where I try to push off opportunities to see her, and ignore her texts completely when she starts to rant.  I know this may not be healthy, or may seem cruel when there are many chaotic things occurring in the world right now. For me though, it has been the only thing keeping me sane.  

Not responding to provocative texts is one of the tools my T recommended to me.  His theory is that by responding to her when she is ranting, I am reinforcing that her behavior is okay, or that it works to get her needs met.  So instead, I only respond to 'calm' texts.  I also silenced the notifications on texts from her, so I only see her texts on my terms, rather than as they roll in.  It was a hard change to make at first, I felt guilty, but it has made an improvement in my well-being.  And now she seems used to the idea that I don't respond to texts right away, or sometimes not at all.

It's more than okay to do things to keep yourself sane, I know it can be uncomfortable, but it is also healthy.     I'm learning that my relationship with my mom just has to look different from the relationships I have with everyone else.  What may seem 'cruel' in relation to a different person, is self-preservation with my mom.   

[Methuen]

Welcome ArabellaFay7,

I'm so happy that you are ready to post, and join the conversations.  Like you, I am an only child.  My mom is 84, frail and failing in so many ways, and I'm terrified of her much of the time.  It's crazy.

When I moved out, she made sure to find anyone that she remembers me having contact with in life friends (even ones from elementary school), ex-boyfriends, and family members  on social media.  That way she could let them know who I was, based on her distorted perception of me.

  This is interesting to me, because I have noticed that my mom's negative emotional reaction to an event, often results in a response from her which is very much "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth".  It's a very vindictive response.  If she feels hurt by something someone did or said, she wants to hurt them back.  Your moving away from home when you were 23 is a healthy "normal" thing to do to move on with your own life, but a BPD is going to feel abandoned, and with that she is going to feel a lot of super intense hurt feelings. So since everything is distorted with a pwBPD, I am wondering if in your case she felt justified in hurting you back (by saying nasty things about you).  It's twisted, and maybe my thinking is way out in left field, but I've seen this kind of response from my mom in different situations over my life.  You hurt me so I'm going to hurt you back, kind of like the two year old that hits another child who just took their truck.  It almost seems to me as if the PBD just never matured emotionally, and they formed unhealthy coping mechanisms (emotional intelligence never developed). I hope my "musing" hasn't been too much.  I'm always thinking and trying to make sense of my mom's irrational behavior.  Your story reminded me of how my mom can be.  Sometimes I overthink things.  But for me, trying to analyse my mom's irrational behavior helps me process things.  It doesn't change her behaviors, but it somehow helps me manage how I respond to her.

I'm glad you've found the site, and I'm glad you've posted.  I'm a believer in strength in numbers (and not feeling alone), as we can all help and learn from each other to grow through this journey.

Welcome!

 

 

[ArabellaFay7]

I'm so glad you found this site. I am an only child of an uBPD mother and felt so alone until this site, as well. It's like everyone either thinks you are exaggerating or your mom is a sane, just nasty person (which is more embarrassing because then there is no excuse for their bad behavior). The ones who believe you are dealing with a mother with mental illness, think they understand because they have seen Bipolar and such people. However, as we all know (being family members of BPD), it's on a completely different level. I feel for you, as I do all of us. Know that you are NOT alone and have all of us here. Keep sharing and we will too. Maybe , with therapy and all of our stories to share, we can get through it together.

Sad4Her, thank you for your response.  I definitely agree.  Although having a Bipolar parent can also be tough, I personally have had a much harder time with my mom being BPD.  I appreciate your kind words and I am glad to finally find a group of supportive people I can relate with.

While I read this, I was realizing that I could pull out every sentence to comment on. This is really all so relatable. I'm about in the same place, if that's any comfort. I am basically NC with my mom, and she recently gave me an ultimatum about how any future contact would look. Obviously, this ultimatum is not something that I am very comfortable with. I don't think that it is unhealthy or cruel at all to ignore texts or put off opportunities to visit. Something that I was not taught well and I'm guessing almost everyone on this forum wasn't taught was the importance of looking out for your well being BEFORE your parent's well being. It sounds so selfish even now writing it, and yet it is essential to thriving as an independent adult. If that separation is what you need to be healthy, then that is what you should do.

Once when I was complaining about my mom, a friend asked me, "If you were seeing a friend being treated that way that you are being treated right now, what would you encourage you to do?" That same friend also asked me, "If anyone else in your life was treating you the way your mom is, would you have any hesitations about walking away and preserving your own health?" Those two questions were powerful in jolting me out of the FOG and reminding me that though this relationship seems all-encompassing, it is only one part of my life. In every other part of my life, I know what healthy relationships look like and I feel comfortable giving advice and trusting my gut. Maybe try asking yourself those questions and seeing what that answers are?

Choosinghope, thank you.  Your message does provide me with comfort, although I wish you didn't have to deal with same pain.  Over the past couple of years, I have started to realize the importance of taking care of myself.  I remember being told even as a child from my mom that I should always put her first, because that's what she did for her mom.  Even though I do find myself feeling selfish, I know it's important that I put my well being first.  After all, I feel that as adults I am responsible for myself and she is responsible for herself.  I have also often thought to myself,(similarly as to what your friend asked you), “I wouldn't let anyone else treat me like this, so why do I let her?” Anytime I feel guilty, I will continue to ask myself those questions.  I really liked what you had to say about the relationship with your mom only being one part of your life.  That is so true, and I had never really thought of it that way.

[ArabellaFay7]

Welcome, ArabellaFay7!  I'm glad you found the courage to post.  I also have a mother with BPD and Bipolar.  It's a struggle for sure, but it helps to have a safe place to go for support with others who get it.

Not responding to provocative texts is one of the tools my T recommended to me.  His theory is that by responding to her when she is ranting, I am reinforcing that her behavior is okay, or that it works to get her needs met.  So instead, I only respond to 'calm' texts.  I also silenced the notifications on texts from her, so I only see her texts on my terms, rather than as they roll in.  It was a hard change to make at first, I felt guilty, but it has made an improvement in my well-being.  And now she seems used to the idea that I don't respond to texts right away, or sometimes not at all.

It's more than okay to do things to keep yourself sane, I know it can be uncomfortable, but it is also healthy.     I'm learning that my relationship with my mom just has to look different from the relationships I have with everyone else.  What may seem 'cruel' in relation to a different person, is self-preservation with my mom.   

Mata, thank you for your response.  I am glad to know that it is actually beneficial to ignore the ranting.  I know my mom views it as cruelty, and has said I am acting like a child for not responding or has said I must not have a heart or soul to ignore her.  Even though I know those words are not true, I unfortunately carry them with me and sometimes second-guess myself.  I agree that it is self-preservation, and I am relieved to hear that it is a healthy thing to do.

I'm so happy that you are ready to post, and join the conversations.  Like you, I am an only child.  My mom is 84, frail and failing in so many ways, and I'm terrified of her much of the time.  It's crazy.
  This is interesting to me, because I have noticed that my mom's negative emotional reaction to an event, often results in a response from her which is very much "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth".  It's a very vindictive response.  If she feels hurt by something someone did or said, she wants to hurt them back.  Your moving away from home when you were 23 is a healthy "normal" thing to do to move on with your own life, but a BPD is going to feel abandoned, and with that she is going to feel a lot of super intense hurt feelings. So since everything is distorted with a pwBPD, I am wondering if in your case she felt justified in hurting you back (by saying nasty things about you).  It's twisted, and maybe my thinking is way out in left field, but I've seen this kind of response from my mom in different situations over my life.  You hurt me so I'm going to hurt you back, kind of like the two year old that hits another child who just took their truck.  It almost seems to me as if the PBD just never matured emotionally, and they formed unhealthy coping mechanisms (emotional intelligence never developed). I hope my "musing" hasn't been too much.  I'm always thinking and trying to make sense of my mom's irrational behavior.  Your story reminded me of how my mom can be.  Sometimes I overthink things.  But for me, trying to analyse my mom's irrational behavior helps me process things.  It doesn't change her behaviors, but it somehow helps me manage how I respond to her.

I'm glad you've found the site, and I'm glad you've posted.  I'm a believer in strength in numbers (and not feeling alone), as we can all help and learn from each other to grow through this journey.

Welcome!

 

 

Methuen, thank you!  I can definitely understand.  I feel often feel terrified of my mom as well, and sometimes I think I will always feel that way with her.  What you said is in no way out of left field, and I appreciate your thoughts.  I very much agree that it was a form of retaliation.  I also tend to analyze my mom's behavior to try to understand her, so I know where you are coming from.