My therapist told me it's down to two choices, buckle down or move on.

[JustJohn]

Hello out there!

I honestly don't have the first clue how to start; I'm a husband of a BPD spouse that I love and I am at the point where I've gone through counseling for several years, tried all avenues to encourage us to get marital counseling, given all the reassurances and actions and words that I'm here no matter what...and it just seems to never change. I feel like I could write for an hour and I don't want to do that because I truly just want to see if there are folks out there. My therapist told me it's down to two choices, buckle down or move on. We have children, a home, etc...and for my boys, who are super close, I can't put them through the nightmare of a separation. Simply trying to initiate a conversation invokes rage or total stonewalling...but always seems to involve undercutting to the kids - or pretending I'm a ghost in the room.

I'm just sad and feel isolated and just hope there is at least someone who could guide me towards some online resources/groups to get connected with. I know there isn't an answer to my concerns or a manual on how to deal/cope/live/parent/etc... I also want to say while I've come a LONG way in the past 2 years in conflict management (I know a timeout or non-reaction to a gaslight even if it's every single time that it's me deescalating). I used to engage and just feel crushed and really betrayed by words and there'd be a LOT of yelling. I'm having trouble seeing things and actions each day, and having to stay silent because even the mention of how I might feel is met with rage and venomous words.

I know I can do better or do things differently...I also know I've changed dramatically and have deep empathy and compassion for the trauma and pain that's buried deep deep inside my wife, and that what I experience week in and week out isn't my fault. But I'm human and have a heart and all the rationale in the world doesn't magically make it not really sting.

So much for keeping it short! Look forward to making some acquaintances and getting some guidance from those who've been on this journey for a while.

Thank you,
J

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Welcome 

You are in the right place.

There is hope and possibility here.
What I did is read a lot of the posts, respond to those that I feel in common with, sharing experiences.

In this way, my journey is made lighter on most days.

How long have you both been together and how long has the personality disorder been affecting the relationship.

I try to think of the disorder objectively.  Some days I do not even see that he has it.

Take good care,

juju

[Harri]

Hi   

Let me join juju in saying you are in the right place.  We have many members who are in similar situations and who will be able to relate.  We also have members who have worked their way through and reached a better place and can help support you as you navigate your way through your relationship.   

We have children, a home, etc...and for my boys, who are super close, I can't put them through the nightmare of a separation. Simply trying to initiate a conversation invokes rage or total stonewalling...but always seems to involve undercutting to the kids - or pretending I'm a ghost in the room.

Can you tell us more about your kids?  What do you mean when you say "always seems to involve undercutting to the kids"?  Sorry, I can be dense sometimes. 

What would you say is the biggest challenge you want to work on?  We have lots of tools and the collective experience and wisdom you have access to here is quite good.  We all learn together and support each other.

Hope to hear more from you soon and again,