Surprise today

[Carguy]

So I have noticed the last while that my ex BPD girlfriend's vehicle has not been at Walmart where she works. I'm almost 100% sure she went to her retreat in Oregon like she does every year at the end of June. I went shopping there the other day since she has been gone and got a bunch of stuff I've been needing to stock up on.

Her vehicle still hasn't been there lately so I assumed she was still gone. I went in today to get some stuff for lunch and as I was walking along I seen her running one of the registers! Apparently she must be driving a different vehicle now or something! The vehicle she has been driving was not in the parking lot.

Knowing this I will go back to my routine of shopping at the only other grocery store in town. It's smaller and more expensive but for now I need to stay away.

I did notice, however, that even though I don't think she seen me, the fact that I seen her did trigger the feelings of missing her and wanted to reach out again. I know I cannot reach out at this point. In the past she ignored me and looked away if she seen me and if I tried to say anything to her she would just become angry towards me. The last time I had interaction with her a month ago this is what happened. It wasn't the first time but it finally pushed me to stay away completely. It was also the advice of my therapist recently.

This is still hard and I am still struggling with feelings of missing her but I am trying to stay strong.

[getout2020]

One of the hardest things for me to do is to be disciplined in not going to "look for her." I suppose I am luckier than you; my ex is in El Salvador and I'm in the United States. The only way I sometimes falter is to "check in" on social media - and even that, as we discussed elsewhere - is usually only after she "pings" me with some kind of attention-getter (following childhood friends of mine, reaching out to my family, etc). I need to stop myself from letting those Pavlovian bells take me back to unhealthy places.

I don't know what I'd do if I still interacted with her in my everyday life or if she worked someplace I frequented as a customer... seems exponentially more difficult than what I'm doing now. Maybe your therapist has the right idea? When I get triggered, it's very taxing emotionally. Just the other day, I got a little touch and went fishing - and of course I was unhappy with what I found. So I'm still not entirely clear and I've been in an entirely different country for four months now!

You know you best, so if not going to that store is what it takes to avoid those triggers, then that seems like a good idea for now.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know someone saw your post and I'm sorry you were surprised... I'm sure it's very difficult to feel those feelings when you weren't expecting them.

[Rev]

So yeah ... that's not so fun.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Carguy]

Thanks G.O.

I struggle with those very things as well. And to be honest, since I seen her I have been struggling with those things as well. I have started feeling me missing her again and wanting to reach out to her. I haven't and know I cannot because it does not serve me well. For months now when I did try to reach out she would just respond in anger. It hurts and honestly at this point it scares me too much emotionally to try to reach out. In the same turn though, I feel hopelessness in realizing that it truly is the end.

Thanks Rev. It really wasn't fun. I have noticed how it has messed with me. I'm just trying to self soothe and work on my mindfulness and stay strong. It's hard.

One thing I have been curious about however. When they 'ping', do the pings get bigger/more obvious/direct or even bring on Recycle attempts or do they fade with time? What has been your experience?

[Rev]

One thing I have been curious about however. When they 'ping', do the pings get bigger/more obvious/direct or even bring on Recycle attempts or do they fade with time? What has been your experience?

That's a really good question - and I would suggest that you start a new thread on that one. You might get some success in hearing a variety of stories.

My guess is that it will depend.  With me, they started small, escalated, hit a peak (she wrote some pretty threatening stuff) - went dormant for six weeks - showed up at my place of work with personal effects - my lawyer sent her a cease and desist - she went ballistic - and by last account has been spiraling down ever since.

The key in all of this is to work on yourself - and then it really doesn't matter - right?  Of course, it would help do that if you could know what to expect. So I found I needed to work on getting strong daily - and I still do. My relationship was particularly emotionally abusive.

Hope this helps.

Rev

[Carguy]

Good idea Rev!

Honestly with her I don't think it will continue into more. I think she may or may not ping a time or two more and stop. From what I have seen and know (and listening to her), she doesn't really reach out to past people. My sister pointed out though "Did she not reach out to past people or did they not allow it?" So I could be wrong.

I do need to work on myself more. I continue to and see the things I need to work on like co-dependency. My therapist has me working on mindfulness and self-soothing this week.

 I am kind of curious as to what other people's experiences have been with this and maybe give me some idea of what I could possibly expect.

Like I said, I don't think she will try to reach out other than possibly a few more pings but you never know. Some of her actions the last several months have been a little surprising.