Mom has BPD with Bipolar disorder

[Nurse6]

Hi,
I am a 25 year old whose mother has BPD and Bipolar disorder. We have been battling her mental instability for a long time. She is very aware with her mental illness and is very interactive with trying to get it under control. She was doing great for a while and volunteering at a daycare. Coronavirus shutdown the daycare which caused my mom to go into a manic phase and a downward spiral. She is now in IOP but I continue to struggle to have conversations with her and feel our relationship is strained. Looking for any advice on how to deal with this type of situation. 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

I am very glad you posted and are reaching out for support. 

I am not sure how to guide you given the info you provided.  Can you give us some more specifics to get a better feel of what you mean when you say that you struggle to have conversations with her?  Is the difficulty related more to you and your feelings or is it hers?  Or is it something else?

I hope you post more.  In the meantime read and feel free to jump into other threads as well.  We all support each other here.

Again,

[Kwamina]

Hi Nurse6,

I would like to join Harri in welcoming you here

You mention your mother having BPD and bipolar disorder. When was she diagnosed with these disorders?

It is very unfortunate that her volunteer work at the daycare centre was halted due to the corona situation. How long had she been working there and how many days a week was she volunteering?

You mentioned your mom going into a manic phase and a downward spiral. Definitely concerning situation. How did this manifest, what were the behaviors she exhibited?

Your mother is currently in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). Did she ever receive targeted treatment for her mental health condition before? How is the program going so far?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

The Board Parrot

[Nurse6]

Hi Harri and Kwamina,

Thanks for your replies!

To answer some of your questions, my mom has been diagnosed with both of these disorders for atleast 12 years. She is very aware of her mental health and has been in inpatient and IOP multiple times for her mental health. When she feels that she is losing control she often seeks IOP treatment herself. Since being enrolled in IOP,  I can see a small amount of her stable self shining through but she is still not in a good place.

She began going into a manic downward spiral when the daycare shutdown due to the coronavirus, before that she was stable for about a year! Behaviors she began to exhibit were picking fights with literally anyone and everyone and posting frequently and often to facebook (which she did not do before). When you would look at her or speak to her when she is in the downward spiral it is like she is another person, a different person than I recognize, and a different person than my mother. She also engages in unhealthy behaviors when she is in her bad place. She had quit smoking and was losing weight and eating healthy and as soon as she starting going into her bad place she began smoking again. Anytime I would call her or try to talk to her, she either would have catostrophic and negative thoughts about everything or just not respond after I spoke. Often times I would say, "hello, were you listening?" Sometimes I wish she would just call me and ask me how my day was, but I also understand with her mental state right now she is very targeted into the "its all about me and my feelings stage"

This past weekend, I stopped by for fourth of July. She originally invited my twin sister and I over for a barbeque. Her backyard has a pool but the way she lives is very overwhelming to me and not to my standards so I try to remind myself that it is her house and not mine. When I thought it was just my sister and I coming over for the barbeque, my mom told me she also invited her friends. Identifying that I felt overwhelmed, I told her I would stop by but would not be staying when her friends came over. She then freaked out and canceled the entire party. Trying to stay consistant, my sister and I stopped by on fourth of July. She sat there quiet and barely spoke the entire time, and when she did it was only negative things. Feeling overwhelmed, I left and decided I was going to be distant for a couple of days because I knew by the way she was acting, that was what was best. I did not talk to her or reach out to her for three days and those three days it ate me up on the inside. All I could think was " I miss my mom, I just want to talk to her" and I knew I couldn't because it would make things worse. A few days went by, and I texted her " Hi, Thinking of you hope you have a good day." In which she responded "you too," since then she has reached out to me and told me she made black bean soup for me. I feel so confused in how to interact with her and it truly breaks my heart.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Nurse6

Thanks for providing more insight into your situation.

How is your sister dealing with your mother's behavior?

Interacting with a disordered person can be quite difficult, particularly when the person is in a bad state as your mother currently is in.

Still, there are tools described on this site that can be helpful. For instance, various communication techniques such a validation and S.E.T. and also others:

Validation, or how not to be invalidating

S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

Were you perhaps already familiar with any of these techniques?

Though you might not be able to control your mother's behavior, you can focus on your own behavior and responses, and these resources can help with that.

The Board Parrot