Coping with my mum's Narcissistic lies

[Goldcrest]

Hello, my mum has an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. For the last two years she has had cancer and I am back in regular contact with her again. Whenever she has a hospital admission she will lie about the seriousness of the situation and frequently I have been lead to believe she is at deaths door. I finally plucked up the courage recently to speak with a doctor and discovered that although treatment would be tough she had a good outcome. I'm not sure what I am trying to say and it would take a lot of writing to begin to scope out how stressed and depressed I feel. I have put boundaries in place so that I now speak to her only every other day but I feel guilty and a failure because the implied and sometimes clear message is that I should be there at her bedside. My dad doesn't believe in feelings/emotions and also expresses the belief I have let her down by not being there for her every day but accepts that I am not like him. Not strong and able to let her rage/pain wash over me. I often get double binds too. Where I offer to do something that they are asking for but then told not to do it.

I hate that I am probably being cast in a bad light to all her friends and neighbours - why can I not get over this?

And I struggle with the lying. When she goes in to hospital she will paint a picture of consultants and nurses falling to their knees with joy of seeing her, telling her she is wonderful/amazing/so brave. The rage I feel when she relays this to me is crushing because I have to keep it inside. It brings back so much pain of never being seen by my father and having to go along with praising and celebrating her. Everything was about her.

I am even worrying now as I write this that she might see it somehow or that people reading it will think I am the problem.

I have had a lot of therapy and a lot of my difficulties are kept in my head but I'm at a point now where I am searching for a group of people that might have some sense of my inner world. Thank you.

[zachira]

You have come to the right place for support and understanding about dealing with a mother with BPD. Many members have challenges such as yours with a mother with BPD. My mother with BPD passed away a year ago today.
It is terribly hurtful to have a mother be so cruel to  you. You are likely having many of the feelings of somehow doing something wrong when you set healthy boundaries with your mother because it has been this way since childhood. Going to therapy is helpful, and it is still a lot of work to not take on the feelings of the disordered people in our life when they blame us for how unhappy they feel inside. Keep on working on owning your feelings and let your mother feel hers, and reminding yourself you are a separate person from her. My therapist advised me to observe my feelings when in the presence of disordered people instead of focusing on what they were doing, and it really helped. Take care and let us know how we can be the most helpful. We are here to listen and support you in finding your way on this difficult road with a mother with BPD.

[Goldcrest]

Thank you Zachrina. I appreciate your thoughtful words and advice.

I always feel very guilty, especially now she is ill and at times genuinely suffering. I hate to know that she is in pain and I do feel compassion for her. When she is high and talking about how amazing she is and how much everyone loves her I feel intense anger and at those times will attempt to separate but when I do separate I feel sad for her again.

Boundaries are hard and I recognise they are as hard for me to keep as they are for her to tolerate.

[zachira]

Having a mother with BPD is a life long sorrow. It in indeed hard work to stay focused on the sadness which can help you to heal and soothe the anger. What helps you to stay focused on the sadness? Deep heartfelt crying can often bring welcome relief from the anger and overwhelming sadness. It is so hard not to feel sorry for the mother we care about suffer, because we are compassionate and caring people. How do you separate the sadness you feel for your mother from the sadness you feel for yourself?

[Goldcrest]

Yes, you are right that the sadness gets tangled up in my own pain and loss. I will never know what she truly does feel or experience. When I was a child she would sob and sob, the distress was unbearable and I would be asked to comfort her. I felt her pain as if it was my own. When I put a boundary in I feel as though I am leaving her alone to suffer with no one to comfort her and I think that is about my own pain of being without comfort or a soothing parent. My father sees it as my role to take care of her. It's an utter labyrinth at times but I have to keep reminding myself that I am the child and she is the parent. She should be able to self sooth or draw on the support of my father. I am only asking her for every other day off from contact.

I agree that I need to stay focussed in the sadness. I am accepting that I can't rescue her and nor should I have to or be asked to. Thank  you again.

[zachira]

You really do get what is going on with your mother. There are so many members on this site who are/ have been where you are now, wanting to be compassionate with their elderly mother while struggling to set healthy emotional boundaries with her. It seems to be all about separating your feelings from your mother's while she does everything to try to make you feel bad, so she does not have to acknowledge how she feels inside. Then there is the long term grieving of having a mother who could never see us, acknowledge our feelings. It is hard to do the grieving while she is still alive as your safety is constantly threatened by another round of dysregulation with your mother attempting to get things back to where they were before. You are setting both physical and emotional boundaries with your mother, and with time and practice, you will start to feel better and will be less affected by how your mother is treating you at any given moment.
It is also quite common for fathers to enable the mother. This is twice as painful when you do not have the support of either parent. I feel for you when your father thinks it is your role to take care of your mother, and really does not appreciate your kindness and sacrifices.

[Harri]

Hi Goldcrest and welcome!

I want to join in with zachira in saying I get it.  My mom was very dependent on me, as we my brother and father, to regulate my moms moods and really make things easier for them.  It is a hard habit to break but it sounds like you are doing it!     Changing our own behaviors, is I think the hardest part of healing.  Well, dealing with our own discomfort as well (guilt, worry, the anxiety over changing out roles).  The thing is, as zachira touched on, your moms feelings are hers to deal with.  That does not mean we have to ignore them or be mean (not that you would) we have to see the reality of our loved ones disorder and recognize that they have emotional and behavioral regulation problems.  They may not always have the skills to deal with certain situations in certain circumstance.  We can, if we choose, support them but we do not have to.  The trick is, if we do want to support, learning how to do so with boundaries and understanding what is going on for them.  Learning about the behaviors and what drives them can be quite freeing for us.  So is learning that it is okay to set limits, say no, and put our own self-care first.

I am only asking her for every other day off from contact.

This is reasonable.  I am not sure she will be able to follow your request though.  She is dependent on you and has been for a while.  It will take time for the both of you to get used to that. 

A suggestion about the boundary you have around no more daily contact is for you to enforce it and change your behavior rather than expect her to stop contacting you every day.  So is she calls or texts, do not answer.   Return the call or text the next day if you want every other day contact.  Chances are she will call/text more often and that is okay.  It is common for them to blow up your phone or escalate their behavior when you start changing your own.  They want the old you to stay.  Keep at it though and over time you will get used to taking charge of your well being, setting boundaries in appropriate ways and training yourself to think about things differently.

What do you think?

Oh yeah, I am glad you posted. 

[Goldcrest]

Thank you again @Zachira. Yes I am in a process of grieving and tolerating the loss more without displacing it on to my husband or friendships. It took me a long time to accept that I was limited, that because of my childhood I too had borderline traits and once I could start to sit with the shame of my own past failings I could feel empathy for my mother. If I can understand how I have behaved towards others then I can see better how she behaves and what it is about. I've had to work hard at not splitting and trying to hold both a position of love and hatred at times. To not fly from one end to the other.

I idolised my father growing up but now I see that he enables her by telling her she has done no wrong that she is normal and healthy and brilliant. He will always throw us to the lions to save his backside if needs be. Seeing that both parents have neglected you is really brutal. My dad loathes feelings and will often caution me against asking my mother "how she feels" because it is "psychobabble" and not helpful.

Thank you @Harri too. Yes changing our behaviour is hard and accepting our part in the drama. I ask myself what is the pay off for me? I am afraid to be the failure they see me as. I want to be a perfect daughter and to not be judged by people looking in. As you have suggested she has increased her contact by leaving messages on the days we don't speak and getting my father to leave a message too. She has always been threatened by my relationship to my father and would control contact with him (which he has recently disclosed - that he avoids speaking to me to avoid upsetting her). I do have to keep thinking about what drives her and that although she might be upset with me on the phone in that moment, just as quickly something else will catch her attention and she will be upset about that. It is only me that hurts for long periods.

It's so good to have this forum to drop in to when things are wobbly for me. I recognise I am more vulnerable at the moment because my work is cancelled for the year and I have isolated myself from friendships to cope with how overwhelmed I have felt.

[Methuen]

Hi Goldcrest!

Welcome!

I have isolated myself from friendships to cope with how overwhelmed I have felt [\quote]

Reaching out to these friends on the days you don’t see your mom would be a great place to start looking after yourself and your own needs.  Keep the visit fun for both of you, and slowly bring some balance back to your life.

Your dad sounds like he is an enabler to protect himself.  Like you say, he will throw you to the lions to save himself.  The only thing you can control is how you react to that. 

BTW,  your dad is misusing the term psychobabble, which is a term used when a claim represents itself as good science , when it’s  not.  Your dad is probably afraid of your mom’s feelings because they are so intense. He wants you to deal with them so he doesn’t have to. 

Also, taking every second day for yourself is a good plan.  Her pushback to that will eventually extinguish -if you stick to your plan and see it through.  But if you give in to her demands, it will probably get worse. 

You can do this.  It can get better.

[zachira]

You have great courage to face how growing up in a dysfunctional family left you to grow up in many ways on your own. It has taken me many years of therapy to not look like I have a personality disorder. It can be hard to pat ourselves on the pack, give ourselves credit for facing mistakes we made because we did not know better because of how our parents behaved.
I hear your distress about your father. I have read that one of the most important factors in recovering from abuse from one parent, is that the other parent knows that child is abused and supports the child over the abusing parent. I am now dealing with the fact that my BIL who has done many generous things for me, has turned against me, and done things he would never do on his own because it is too painful for him to face the fact that he is the pawn of my controlling narcissistic sister. When your father is supporting how your mother treats you, now you have two people mistreating you, not one. It is another painful loss to grieve to know your father does not have your back.
We sometimes just know that what we are feeling would overwhelm our friends and choose to keep to ourselves for awhile. My long time therapist moved out of town, and I am constantly fighting the urge to turn my friends who are caring and kind into my therapist. This site is a very special place. There is no such thing as posting too much, too often, or starting too many threads. We are here for the long road ahead, and to support you in the most difficult times, and to share in your joys as well. Do keep us posted on how you are doing. We care and want to help in any ways we can.

[Goldcrest]

Thank you Methuen and Zachira. I think I believed I could some how control how they affect me but the further you go down the rabbit hole the more brain washing and FOG you experience. When I was in the thick of therapy years ago I had a long period of NC but now mum is sick I came back 2 years ago on a full time basis. I have no contact with my brother who lives in another country. I cut ties with him years ago because he refused to see the damage like my father but funnily enough now he stays away from them and is vilified for it. Despite my mother being so poorly at times he has kept away. My mother and he often clash and in order to stop the triangulation I knew I could not continue having a relationship with him. He also bullied me often - again I idolised him as a child.

My only saving grace is I live a good 400 miles from them so I only have contact over the phone unless I visit. I have visited over the last couple of years but it sends me off the rails for sometime after. They like to dangle things such as inheritance, promising I will get more than my brother etc. It's seductive but I don't get involved anymore.

Zachira I am sorry about your BIL, painful when you allow yourself to trust someone then they turn because they are being controlled. That they can't hold on to what they truly know of you. Your sense of self gets eroded again. This is why I have so few friends left. I tended to be attracted to people who liked me only for what I could offer them, I have met some lovely people in my life but because they didn't come with drama I was less interested in them. Now I see that the drama is what is familiar and I need to seek stable people. So few people can even begin to understand my childhood. I have to say my mother was more aggressive and risky in her outbursts when I was a child. Now she is more of a victim. The cancer has really enabled her to be untouchable in that regard.

It has helped enormously writing here these last few days. Helped to keep me grounded and not lose sight of the damage. Thank you for your care and replies.

[Goldcrest]

My mother called this morning and reporting that she has been vomiting all night has a fever and my father has taken to his bed (my dad is also morbidly obese, his protective suit). I suspect this is escalation. She has carers coming in twice a day but the long silences, which are rare for her, indicate she wants me to drop everything and come 400 miles to her bedside. Previously I would have felt upset for her but I see what is happening, my dad can't cope and because I have put a boundary in he now feels overwhelmed. By taking himself out of the picture (going to bed) it puts further pressure on me to rescue my mother.

I'm okay and it is good to write this here. I won't be jumping in the car unless she is in hospital and it seems very serious - which I can check with staff.

[zachira]

I am admiring how you are setting healthy boundaries with your parents and not allowing them to manipulate you. I am wondering how you are doing in terms of how intensely you are affected and for how long when your parents do things that would be upsetting to any normal human being.

[Goldcrest]

Hi Zachira, thanks for your message. I am pretty low but gently pushing myself to get out and do something every day. It's all compounded by being without work at the moment, work gave me a sense of identity and without it I am more lost and struggle to stick to a healthy routine. I find the boundaries with my parents hard and I can hear my "bad toad" voice critiquing me constantly which I try to ignore. I spoke with a friend today, the only friend I can really talk to about my mother and I felt guilty afterwards for offloading and then immediately started to wonder if the friend would think I was the mad one...I know this is just how my brainwashed mind works.

How are you today, how is the situation with your family?

[Methuen]

My mother called this morning and reporting that she has been vomiting all night has a fever and my father has taken to his bed (my dad is also morbidly obese, his protective suit). I suspect this is escalation.

Goldcrest, you are doing the right thing.  Maybe it's vomiting, maybe it isn't.  My mom always exaggerates, so I never really know what the truth is.  We humans all have to deal with our own vomiting.  When I vomit, I don't call my son who lives 400 miles away to come be with me.  Even as I write that, it sounds "crazy".   Remember that it's not really about the vomiting, it's about her emotional needs.  We have to "re-train" ourselves to understand and believe that they are adults who must learn to care for their own emotional needs.  The "vomiting" is just the vehicle to guilt you into caring for her emotional needs.  But that's not your job.  Your job is to allow yourself to become a healthy independent thinking individual who has the confidence to live your own life.  If her vomiting leads to dehydration, she or your dad can call a neighbour or an ambulance to take her to the hospital.  You don't need to drive 400miles to tend to her vomiting.

It's such an internal struggle to deal with the guilt they've brainwashed us to feel. 

I think of it as a gradual process of "detachment" from the toxic feelings of obligation and guilt.  It is getting better for me.  I started my journey about a year ago.  The very worst "push back" from my mom was in the beginning when I first start changing my responses.  She accused me of all kinds of stupid stuff (such as not loving her), and came up with all kinds of threats (such as going to her lawyer).
 But I held my boundaries, and she has learned new strategies.  My mom found "new" people to rely on.  She has a certain amount of charm that can attract people to an old lady, until her needs of them, start to overtake their own boundaries.  But then she finds new people to help her.  So expect a "push back" in the beginning as you start to set boundaries for yourself.  But know that if you see it through this patch, it does get better.  I don't feel the obligation and guilt with the same intensity I used to.  Now I see her behavior more as what it is - a disease.  It irritates me sometimes, but it doesn't manipulate me into doing what she wants the way it used to.  I used to drop everything when she called for me for any little thing, and run to her, but I don't do that any more.  I guess some people would call it tough love.  I don't.  I just call it looking after myself too.

You can get through this. 

[Goldcrest]

Thanks Methuen, it's really helpful to read about yours and other peoples experience of their mothers. Good to hear it can get easier. Certainly when my mother is off cancer treatment her need of me reduces but when she is sick it is like I must be sick with her. I agree with seeing the behaviour as a disease. The thing I have realised these last few days is nothing I can do will take away or fill the massive void inside her. The one thing I simply can't do at the moment is go home to see her.

The boundary has already been pulled apart. She was taken by ambulance to hospital yesterday, I had a desperate phone call from her crying and telling me that she loved me and her kidneys were failing, she then ended the call abruptly. In a complete turnaround she called a few hours later happy and comfortable to say that all her tests were clear. She was happy that they are keeping her in hospital for a couple of days (she is still having high dose Chemo currently so a risk for infection). Today would be our day off from talking but now she is in hospital she ended the call saying I will speak to you tomorrow. I'm ashamed to say I buckled and agreed to speak to her because she is in hospital. I'm now struggling to sleep because I can see what has happened and I  have been pulled in again.

I'm feeling bad about talking to my friend about her too because she has her own stuff to deal with at the moment. I have been so careful not to burden her but yesterday I let it all out.

Methuen, did your mum change in her behaviour as she got older. As a child my mother was definitely the queen description of borderline. I was terrified of her outbursts and jealous rages against my father and us. Now though she seems to be more waif. I think every hospital visit is attractive because she has so much attention and the sick role makes her very childlike. I also feel like I talk to different selves. Yesterday was the little girl but other times I get other versions of her.

[Methuen]

The thing I have realised these last few days is nothing I can do will take away or fill the massive void inside her.

This is a really big thing to realize.  Good for you. Figuring this out was a turning point for me, because until I figured that out, I doggedly kept trying to fill the unfillable, and be the "perfect daughter".  

when she is sick it is like I must be sick with her

I used to feel (and think) this too.  It's a mindset trap, and I got caught in it last autumn for the last time, when my 84 yr old waif mother fell while she was alone at home and fractured 4 bones in her pelvis and sacrum.  I tried to care for and nurse her.    I wore myself out over 6 weeks.  Of course I couldn't possibly meet her needs, but that's all hindsight now.  She ended up "losing it" and blaming me for her pain.  If I can pass on my wisdom learned from this experience, it's that now is the time to start feeling your own feelings, and let her feel hers, even though she's still in her cancer treatment.  There will never be a "good time" to do this.  When the cancer treatment is over, it will be something else.  In a way, now is a good time to start setting boundaries.  When they are sick or injured is stressful, and since BPD's don't cope well with stress, I think they just eventually dump all their frustrations on us, regardless of how much we do, how much we care, how much we try to show we love them.  Honestly, the harder I tried, the worse mom got.  It turned epic.  Let your mom figure how how to fill her own needs is my advice, based on my experience.  It was after this particular crisis with my mom, that I finally figured out I could never fill the void you referred to.  

I'm feeling bad about talking to my friend about her too because she has her own stuff to deal with at the moment. I have been so careful not to burden her but yesterday I let it all out.

 I've been here too, and did the same thing after the epic crisis I just referred to.  My friend tried to be supportive, but couldn't possibly understand because she has not experienced a BPD mother.  She has a Hallmark card mother, but what I told her came as such a shock, she had no time to process before she tried to respond (she has met my mom a few times, but doesn't "know" her). I can't remember what she said, but I do remember it made me realize that no one except people on this forum with a similar experience could truly understand. Like you, I felt so much worse afterwords.  That was 6 months ago.  This friend and I are regular walking partners and see each other once or twice a week.  I never "spilled" my challenges with my mom again, and our walks are super stimulating with good conversation about all kinds of topics.  Since that one time, I think she has had time to process some of what I told her, and I feel she probably accepts it now, but without understanding the way members on this forum do.  So what I'm trying to say, is don't beat yourself up for spilling your guts to your friend.  You and I were both in a vulnerable place when we did that.  As long as it doesn't become a pattern, it won't hurt a friendship.  The intensity of regret you are feeling now will pass.

I'm ashamed to say I buckled and agreed to speak to her because she is in hospital. I'm now struggling to sleep because I can see what has happened and I  have been pulled in again.

Don't be ashamed Goldcrest.  My goodness, setting boundaries is a learning curve, and we don't suddenly get it 100% right all the time from the first day we start trying.  The thing is now that it went this way, what would you do or say differently next time?  Reflecting back like that is how I started to learn to be able to set boundaries.  I also spend a ton of time on this site learning from others, and I see a T.  Boundaries is a skill that is built with practice, like landscape painting or juggling a soccer ball.  Allow yourself to make mistakes, but reflect and learn from them.  And practice practice practice. And NEVER give up.

Methuen, did your mum change in her behaviour as she got older.

Yep.  She has always been of mix of queen/waif, but as she aged the past 15 years, the waif took over more and more, with the queen coming out less and less, although she can still have a presence.  Since her last fall (mentioned earlier), and Covid, she's turning into somewhat of a hermit (but without the hoarding trait).  She keeps the inside of her house dark, and all the blinds are closed.  The air is hot and stuffy.  She has significant mobility issues and even uses a walker inside her house now.  Sometimes she will text me to tell me which friend telephoned her.  I ignore those texts.  They are bait.  I respond to the texts that I feel are appropriate to respond to, but sometimes I don't respond until the next day, depending on how I am feeling (my headspace), and how busy I am with my own life.  Learning that I could respond to her on my terms was a skill I had to learn.  It wasn't easy.  In fact it was hard.  It came with a ton of guilt in the beginning.  But now that I'm in a much healthier headspace (most of the time), I don't feel guilt the way I used to, and guess what?  She got used to it.  I respond to enough of her texts and emails about things that matter, or that she genuinely needs help with because of her age or disability.

Separating our own emotions from our mothers really does get better.  I'm going to borrow a line from Harri, and say "we've got your back".  You can do this.

[Goldcrest]

Thank you again Methuen, really helpful response.

I can keep putting the boundary back in as I know once she returns home she will try to keep to calling me twice daily. My dad will put pressure on me but I have been very straight with him, told him I can't offer anything more. I know I am still vulnerable to wanting to please him (because I idolised him as a child) but I am holding on to his neglect too now. The observing of feelings rather than being reactive really helps too but recognising I can still get swept along because I am hardwired to do so. It's helpful to hear you are in a similar time of life with your mum and how you choose when to respond, responding to appropriate contact rather than reinforcing contact that is just bait.

After reading all the responses on her last night I had a change of feeling and remembered I could choose to feel dread, sadness and fear or I could step away from that and return my mother to the fantasy land she live in. Hard but I have to salvage something of my life because it is becoming consumed by her and my dad is drawing me in to now because when she is in hospital it is safe to have contact with me.

Anyway no need to reply. I am grateful for the forum and will keep in mind I am not alone.

Separating our own emotions from our mothers really does get better.  I'm going to borrow a line from Harri, and say "we've got your back".  You can do this.

Appreciate this!